In response to the plantation comment. Why the need to be in control? By the way, because he asked for the credit card statement I told him that I would give all the bills to him to pay. Financially, he will get a clear picture on what this affair has cost us. I always paid everything and he never saw the actual finances because he was so busy with his second life. This is a dose of reality he must see. He will try to shift the blame on me. He will say why don't I work 40 hors a week. For years we made it on one salary, I only started working PT again to basically finance his affair. The money I made paid for the rental house etc. I know he will blame me.

I will contact my sister in regards to acting as an intermediary in the morning.

Wait a minute, you don't want to give him all the bills to pay. Your finances should be seperated since you are seperated. I would give him a copy of the cc bill as you agreed but leave things as they are. Finances should be seperated and he should continue to deposit his check in your account.

Don't give the finances over to him. You separate them, so that what's his, he recieves in the mail, but things such as the mortgage, and utilities are in your name. Can you get a legal separation agreement?

Another vote to separate your finances. In my case we were the opposite - all bills were in his name and I had to transfer them to mine. There were a couple that weren't so straightforward (due to contracts he had signed). Since he had his mail forwarded, I never even saw the bills and they ended up calling collection on me. Now there is still one company that sends the bill to him by email yet takes the money out of my account. I am fighting with them on this since it means that he is still getting information on me which really makes me angry.

Yep, please keep the finances like they are. My ex ran through all of our savings, his retirement savings, didn't pay the bills, and we went bankrupt. He was spending $1,000. a week on his affair. THAT was his top priority.

Do we half the bills? I'm not sure how to do it. Does he give me money every 2 weeks for me to pay the mortgage and utilities? I only work PT so my pay is very small. I can't live on that.

Keep things the WAY they are, Ani.

Whatever he does now, keep that going. I suggest that whatever bills are solely his, and will not impact your credit/finances be sent directly to him.

ANYTHING that is joint stays in your hands, and you handle that. Like i said, if you can see a lawyer and get an LSA, much of this would be ironed out, and he would be LEGALLY held to it.

For instance, I had our car insurance broken up, we shared no credit, so that required no change. Eventually, I had all of the utilities put in my name. The mortgage, and equity line of credit remained the same. He paid me every two weeks, as he had always done, but I had that include Child support, and mortgage/equity line payments (what was called ALIMONY in my separation agreement).

Protect your assets as best you can.

Called sister to ask her to be the intermediary. I can't get a hold of her she is out of town. I left a message for her to return my call. I hate to disrupt her vacation with this garbage. I feel like I need to secure this intermediary asap. Should I ask my friend? In some ways she would be good, but I think she might try to talk to H about the situation. My sister on the other hand will probably keep things pretty straight forward. Whatcha think??? By the way, I'm feeling really bad right now. I really feel like it's over- that he pick OW over his marriage. I don't know if we can recover from this. How can I have hope when he just said he wants a divorce. I can't tell if he was just mad last night and said it but now feels bad or if he really means it. Maybe he really thinks he tried when he came back home and he really doesn't love me anynore.

You CAN recover from this, Ani. This affair is not likely to ever make it. It will crumble.

Can you ask your friend to do this and will she be NEUTRAL? She must agree to be absolutely neutral, she cannot give advice or lecture your H or you.

Stop feeling bad. I have a lot of hope for your marriage. Talk to your sister and see if she will do it. Your friend sounds like she won't be good.

Please quit focusing on what your addicted husband is saying and doing, and get busy on a plan that can save your marriage.

I take care of all the finances now. When he gets bonus checks he gives them to me to deposit. I pay all the bills with out joint account. I really don't know why (other than protecting credit) that we have to separate the finances. Technically, I'm making out good.

Do you guys think it's over this time? I mean he did move out a second time. Do they really come out of the fog after this long????

I agree with Believer and Melody, you can recover.

Don't listen to WH. Just take care of business right now. Get the intermediary and go dark. Get the finances taken care of. You goal is to find an intermediary and go dark. Start there, do that, then move on to the next thing.

Stop looking for your WH to make any sense. Stop LISTENING to him. Go dark.

Guys, I'm trying to remember not to take his words to heart. But this is the first time he said he wanted a divorce without any hesitation. He did look me in the eye when he said it and his eyes were tearing. Sounds like he truely means it if he had tears.

He is probably hurt and babbling. If a heroin addict told you he wanted a divorce to continue his habit, would you spend a lot of time wondering why he chose the drug over you? No, you would realize that he is an addict and you can't trust what he says.

I think Plan B was starting to work. In Plan B they often find excuses for contact.

I'm sure he did mean it.......YESTERDAY. And he will really mean something else tomorrow. And next week, etc. Just because he really means something today, doesn't mean he will tomorrow.

ani, it is REAL IMPORTANT that he spend Thanksgiving WITHOUT his family. With absolutely no contact from you. Can you get your friend on board with this and have her contact him as I suggested earlier?

What will he be doing for Thanksgiving? Any idea?

Maybe plan B was starting to work. I wasn't in a dark plan B though. He was upset that I was thinking about going to nursing school. Said how are we going to pay for it. Why do i want to all of a sudden go back to school for nursing. I could have gone years ago. I know he also didn't like it when I did't consult him about having my surgery. Maybe he feels like he is losing some power. Not sure though. I'm thinking if he is really so wrapped up in OW why does he care what I do? We're not going to have a future together anyway.

I agree with Melody on Thanksgiving, and all other holidays and celebrations that follow after entering Plan B.

Yes, he may have meant what he said about divorce when he said it. Again, LOOK for what he does, not what he says. I know this is hard to do.

Here's what you do now, stop seeing him, talking to him, relating to him in any way. Go dark and let him be. No matter what you FEEL right now, things will change.

H said he would like to see the kids Thanksgiving Day. He didn't have a preference on time. It is my day to have the kids but I don't mind if he see's them some. I asked him if he had plans that we need to work around and he said no I'll be by myself Thanksgiving. We never firmed up any plans.