ML-

H is renting a house about 15 min away. I'd rather not say about the video in case someone might know my identity. I don't think anyone would but you never know. Anyway, the video was taken when H lived at home and met with OW after work one day. It was about a month ago. To refresh your memory H stated that OW wanted to tell me about the meeting. But of course she didn't so I called her instead. She did say they met. She wanted to tell me so as to not hide anything. She said she was done. I told her many of the lies H told me and she started to cry. I also shared with her that H said he could not come home right away because she could be really difficult and she was his boss. She said that makes me mad, do you really think i would do that. I replied I don't know. Anyway, Her Employer wil;l be contacting her or may have done it already. I am hoping that me planting the seeds that he is lieing to her as well and the empoyment situation might be what I need to bring her out of the fog and end it.

Ani, that Plan B letter with my remarks needs to be sent to hm again. As far as he is concerned, you werent really serious about no contact and he knows he can break it at will. He is not aware there are any no contact rules in place.

This letter needs to be sent to him by your intermediary. [email?]

OK. I'll have my intermediary email it to him. Did you read my last post? What do you think about sitch with OW? Does it sound like she's getting fed up? Or do they act like that then go right back to WS? I am beginning to sense some tension at least on her part. Probably when H moved back home in June.

Ani, I had read that about the OW, but we need to know if your H is still in contact. Her statements mean nothing to me because she is a liar and because her feelings could do a 180 degree flip in 2 seconds. We need to find out if they are on contact NOW. Can you find this out?

Also, did you give your H a PROPER Plan B letter when you did it last time? Did you post it here?

ML-

Should I expose to his family? I haven't done that yet. I don't think I'm going to get anything from them that's why I haven't done it so far. They keep to themselves and would not even discuss it between themselves or with H. He wouldn't probably even know they knew. We just went to visit them in Sept. Did not get to stay because of my mother. Anyway, he wanted me to buy the tickets back in Jan for us all to go on that trip. He hadn't even moved home in Jan. Was maybe still with OW when he planned our family trip for 8 months later. That's why I kinda always knew he wasn't going anywhere.

Should i wait to see what exposure to OW employer does first?

I gave a good Plan B letter. I think I posted it for advice. Not sure though because one time I had a difficult time trying to post it. I used the sample from the book as I guide. Made certain that he understood that NC must be established and that he can guarantee that no other women will be in our marriage. Set conditions for his return. To contact me only when he can agree to the terms of the letter.

I can try to find out if they are in contact now. Why? What's on your mind?

Yes,I would expose to his family. I would do it like this: tell them about the affair, that you want to save your marriage, and ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. Asking for their advice encourages them to get involved and hopefully will induce them to call him.

Ani, why are you ignoring all of my comments about the Plan B letter? Did you really even give him before?

I did give him the Plan B letter. In fact, he threw it on our bed after he read it and said I'm not seeing her. I told him I spent a lot of time on that letter and asked him to take it with him. I will look to see if i was able to post it, it would have been about a month ago. I will look.

ML-

Here is my letter I posted back on page 9 of my thread. I will have intermediary send a new one like you suggested.



Dear ***,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of our friendship and marriage.

The fourteen years we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears, and laughs.

I am committed to our marriage and believe that it can be better and stronger than before. I realize that I have not been the perfect wife to you. I know now that you needed more affection from me. I’m sorry. I tried so hard to be the perfect mother, I forgot to be the perfect wife. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be “in love”, but we can’t do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then I will avoid communicating with you. If you need to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through my father.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing you are with her.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. At this time I have to move on with or without you.

I cannot be with you or help you as long as you’re seeing OW.

Your wife,

********





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Regardless of whether you gave him a letter back then or not, start fresh. Post what you remember, or a copy of the letter, let's work out some of the kinks, and resend it thru your intermediary. No talking to him whatsoever.

The relentless thoughts that you have about your WH will wane as the days go by, so hang in there. I know you WANT him to contact you, but not the WAYWARD; you want your H. Wait for that and accept nothing less.

Do I resend the original or just the update that ML gave me because I had to change the intermediary. I wrote the update down to email to my intermediary, she can then send it to H.

I still have a question of why I need to know if he is still seeing OW? Wouldn't the plan be the same anyway? Would I change anything if they weren't seeing each other? And I guess I can never be sure that they are not contacting each other by phone.

If they are still in contact, which I think they are, then we can expose the affair some more. It will also tell us what is driving him.

I would ask the intermediary to send the letter with the comments I posted previously.

a repost:

ok, will she be your intermediary? Will she remain NEUTRAL and support your goals in Plan B?

If she will, we need her to contact him and email him your plan B letter AGAIN. [or do you want to rewrite it?] She needs to get the letter to him and tell him this:

"Ani finds contact so painful with you right now that she is asking that you respect her need for no contact. She would like any NECESSARY contact to come through me. Any scheduling changes with visitation should be communicated through me and she asks that you pick up the kids in the drive way instead of coming in.

She does not want to end the marriage, but contact is so painful right now that she would appreciate your cooperation."

Have her give him her email address so he can email her or call her when he has a message for you.

She is to operate as a SPAM FILTER and only pass on HER OWN WORDS of NECESSARY communication. She can't pass on anything else except to tell you that he is ready to comply with your Plan B. In order for him to have contact he must agree to:

a) end all contact forever with OW

b) commit to a plan of recovery for your marriage

ALL of his contacts with her must be answered. If it is something inappropriate for you to hear, she can say: "thank you for your messsage, but I won't be passing this onto Ani in accordance with her letter."

If she does pass something on, she will say: "thank you, Joe, I will pass this onto to Ani and get her response."

I was going to suggest that you write, in the letter, the conditions for recovery.

Agree with SL, you don't need to give in depth DETAIL, simply say: "commit to a plan of recovery.." And when he gets ready to do that, you can go into detail.

She said she would remain neutral. I wrote down your letter and will give it to her this afternoon. Maybe just email it to her. H doesn't have email at his new employer. He does have an acct from home that he can access on any computer but I'm not sure if he is going to want to use that because I can access it.

ML-

You do not they are still seeing each other? Even after the video?

I don't know, but I suspect they ARE. That is why I want you to find out for sure.

Can she call him and ask him if he has an email address? Tell him that you need to send him something and need his email address.