p.s. also tell your kids that you will not be speaking to their dad unless its an emergency and to not hand you the phone when he calls. He is not to come in the house either. The kids need to be told this.

Ani, this conversation should have never taken place. it is really important that you stop sabatoging yourself by staying in contact with him. This is why he believes he can stay out there a while longer. He knows he has complete control. Instead of looking for excuses to break nc, start looking for creative ways NOT TO.

I will give copy of letter to kids to give to H. Also email address of intermediary. It will be his resposibility to either get a free email acct or clall her. I will explain to the kids that it's too hard on mom right now to talk to dad. I will also tell him to pick the kids up out front.

I think OW employer may have said something to her. Too much time has gone by for H to be mad about the friends.

Ani,
I know it's hard, but stop speculating on OW and her employment. You have exposed, let the chips fall, no matter how small or big they are, or how long it takes.

In the future, NEVER take that call. Have the children say their goodbyes and hang up. If he calls back, let it ring. Turn the volume down on your answering machine so you cannot hear his voice if he leaves a message. If you hear his voice, delete immediately.

Your WH is mad about you cutting him off; then, you expose, and he wants to rage at you. These are those pesky little consequences of his actions, Ani. Let him deal with those all by himself. Shine that light against his A, and remain dark.

Until he can comply with your conditions for recovery, do not speak to him AT ALL.

Hi All!!! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Just checking in to say I made it through!!! I had a great time. The kids and I and some friends put up all the lights, Christmas tree etc. Now we can just sit back and enjoy. Didn't see H on Thanksgiving, not sure what he did. He did fix a nice lunch for the kids then dropped them off the the afternoon/evening. I hope he spent it alone.

During Plan B, the holidays/birthdays/special occassions are particularly stressful on the WS. They are equally difficult for the BS, but you have your eyes open to the devastation and loss, the WS does not.

It's a giant dose of reality. Keep it dark and quiet, Ani. Eventually, you will go days without thinking about what he's doing, and only focus on yourself, self improvement, preparing for whatever comes your way.

Also, keep in mind, the more you interact with a WS, the more withdrawals from your LB, and the more resentment for what has been done against you and your M. Don't let those lovebusters in, keep dark and protect your love.

I'll echo what SL said. Try to focus on yourself. Try not to think about what WH is doing. I know that this is really hard, but the more you can do it, the happier you will be.

And stay dark. Don't communicate with him unless absolutely necessary.

I had a bit of a sad morning. WH dropped kids off and my oldest said he had a stomach ache. I could tell something was bothering him. He said he didn't have any hope that WH and I could work things out. I guess WH told the boys that we would probably be getting a divorce and that one day he would buy a house. I told my oldest to pray about it. I told him I was sad too. BUt we're in this together and we always have each other. I told him that his dad loves him very much. I told him sometimes people get confused and don't always know what they want. Sometimes you have to lose someone to know how much they really mean to you.

I'm just so mad that I have to tell them this at such a young age. I guess I'm giving up hope now too because WH mentioned divorce to the kids. I'm not really sure if this is still wayward talk or not. He seems to be so convinced that the A had nothing to do with the condition of our marriage. She has nothing to do with it!! The A was just a symptom of the state of our marriage. Does he really believe this??????

Right now, who knows what he believes. Don't deal in what could be, either. Don't react to what hasn't even happened yet. You'll expend valuable energy on what amounts to a lot of nothing. Try to live in today; deal with today. Prepare yourself for what may be, but don't dwell there. Take care of your financial future, but don't buy into anything your WH SAYS.

I remember all of the anger and sadness my son had; it was so difficult to deal with. Just keep talking to him.

((((Ani))))

You will survive all of this.

Is there any hope once they start talking to the kids about divorce? Is this just part of the stuff we BS have to go through? Could he find his way home after all of this? I know he's mad over me exposing to his friend. I'm pretty sure OW employer counseled her by now so he's not happy about that.

I know I will survive this. I feel pretty good actually. It just drives me crazy that he thinks A had nothing to do with this? Are he soooo messed up that he can't see how stupid that sounds!!!

I just went over a timeline in my head and it had been two years since we first had this discussion about our marriage. During that time he has never filed for divorce or saw an attorney. Two years ago he said that his moving out to find himself would probably lead to divorce. This past time he moved out he really sems to be more fogged out. Almost like he tried (right) and it didn't work. Talking about divorce and says he's not taking all the blame for the state of our marriage. Leave OW out of it. I'm just venting this morning. I'm really hurt that my children have to live through this. Oldest said he doesn't feel comfortable at rental house.

Reassure your son that you have a plan, and the family will be alright, whatever the outcome. Then secure your finances and protect the family.

Mostly they come back to the family. I don't care how far gone they appear to be. Hang in there.

Thanks for the hope. I guess that's just what I'm looking for right now. Just a place to come and have people tell me their stories. Just a place to come when Plan B is getting me and I still have people telling me I'm doing what's best for my marriage. I need to know that my situation has hope to gather the strenght to continue.

Gosh, Ani, I went through quite a bit to get to recovery. It took false recoveries, one very long one, and two short ones, to get here. I didn't have MB in the beginning, so it was tough.

Once I got on board with MB, everything felt better, more structured, more manangeable.

There is plenty of reason to hope. This was said to me I don't know how many times, but your WH is not unlike so many that have been written about here before, not unlike mine was.

This is why I tell you to keep dark; save that love bank from emptying, and keep away from the wayward. THis will help you to preserve not only your sanity, but your love.

I think believer has a good point in telling your children that you have a plan, and still have hope. I used to tell my son that we will be okay, no matter WHAT.

Thanks. I wasn't sure about telling the kids I have hope. I didn't want to give them false hope. I wasn't really sure what to say. I will tell them though that mommy still has hope and a plan. I tell them to pray when they feel sad and to pray that daddy will come home. I also tell them that everything is up to God and to believe that he will take care of us no matter what. That he has a plan and it is what's best for all of us. I do feel that if I said to them that I have hope that they will feel better. I just don't want to deceive them in any way.

If I have hope, I have the strenght to continue. It's when I think too much has happened to recover that I lose that hope. My WH seems extremely mad with me right now for some reason. Back a while ago when I took that call from him about exposing to his friend he was furious and said if there was ever a chance our marriage would ever make it that chance is gone now. I think he's still mad about that, I'm not sure he will ever get over it.

Question....Do a lot of affairs happen during MLC? My WH is 39 and used to make comments about his hair loss, weight etc. Can they be related or usually two seperate incidences? Just wondering.

They all say this. It's amazing, but I think they really believe it. They have to convince themselves of this or else they wouldn't be able to do what they're doing.

Yes, MLC is a typical trigger for affairs. It was probably huge for my WW.


You're listening to the FogTalk.

He's mad because he has made some terrible life choices. On some level he knows that, and he probably hates himself for it--for what he's become. And so he doesn't feel really good about himself, but he doesn't know why. He's so far into delusionland he actually can't figure it out. So he looks around for a convenient target for the blame and finds you. It must be your fault. You're the one who is holding him back. You're the one who is trying to ruin his happiness. You're the one who just won't go away and keeps pestering him. And on and on and . . . . Who knows what really goes on in the mind of a Wayward.

The point is, it's insanity, so don't listen to it. Plan B is supposed to protect you from FogTalk. The more you listen to the FogTalk, the less hope there will be for your marriage.

I'm not communicating with H right now, but the kids told me he said we will probably get a divorce. My guess is OW employer talked to her. Do I need to confirm this with OW employer? Or do I let it go? My fear is that they will say they will discuss it with her and not. Is this likely, or do the right people know about it. (Her boss/HR Director)

What would be the positives and negatives of doing this? What might you find out? How would it alter what you are doing day to day?

I'm trying to expose. I'm trying to do what I should have done long time ago but didn't have the courage. I'm finally to a point where I don't care of the outcome of exposure. I protected WH and therefore allowed him to continue his A with no consequences. I think he is mad now because he is having to pay a bit of a price for his A. It would not alter the day to day, but I'd like to know. I feel like if OW has to answer some tough questions it may make her think twice about A. She has nothing to lose and no one to answer to. No kids, husband lives out of state.

It can be a fine line between justifiably outraged betrayed spouse and creepy stalking weirdo. Just know which side you want to be on.

I'd be interested in what Mel has to say. She's the exposure expert. Or, at least, that's what I hear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />