Mel...Any input? I think I'm just going to let it go. Don't want to be a creepy stalking weirdo!!!!

I am also not the EXPOSURE expert (where is that trench coat?). I would say that you DID expose. It is not up to you what to do with that info. You can continue contacting the HR department, but you may look a little stalkerish.

I agree. I would love to know how it all went down though. I Hope that doesn't sound like a creepy weirdo but I've been though so much it would be nice to have to see OW have to justify A to HR director and boss. She hasn't really had to lose anything with this A. Her job is all she's got and hopefully she's a bit ashamed and embarrassed. Probably sounds like I exposed for revenge but I didn't. I love my H and just doing what MB's suggest. I still have hope even after he just said he wanted a divorce. I think that might be angry fog talk because he found out I exposed. He left me a message saying "if there ever was a chance of us working things out, there's not now" this was the day after he told me he wanted a divorce. This was the day he found out I exposed. Whatcha think???

Letting it go is where I hoped you would get to. Letting go of thigns like this is one of the hardest things to do, but when you accomplish it, peace follows.

Peace will help you. Try to calm down and avoid the FogTalk. Breathe. Do something fun for yourself.

It's a marathon, not a sprint . . . .

Ani, the others are right. You can only expose, you can't control the outcome of that exposure. Are there any other good exposure targets that you haven't told me about?

I'm wondering about exposing to her family. Or her H family. I don't know how to find her family, but I know of her H family. Mel- How long can I expect Plan B to last? Can it really make a difference? He seems so angry at me now that I'm not sure he really would want to work it out. He said he wanted a divorce, then the next day said if there was a chance of us getting back together there isn't a chance now. Why the anger? He seems much more angry with me this time he moved out. Was it exposure? Is he feeling guilty again so he has to blame someone? Does she not want to get back together so he's blaming me for that? I just like to understand so I know what I'm dealing with.

I know I ask a lot of questions but I feel like the more I know the stronger I feel. Don't know if that makes sense or not. If I expose to her H family and H finds out won't that drive him farther away? Is the workplace enough? I'm not sure that OW H family doesn't already know anyway.

Expose to EVERYBODY that you can. Her H especially! I exposed to OW's family. I spoke to her mother. It's important that you do this all NOW, quickly, instead of piece mealing it. You want it to be like a tsunami, not like a downpour here and there.

EXPECT your WH to be angry. If you are dark, you will have no idea WHAT he's feeling. Of course he's gonna say that he wants a D, and that there's NO WAY you guys will get back together NOW. THey all say crap like this. Believe me--they DO. Expose all NOW.

This exposure will RUIN their time together. There will be pressure from her family; even if there isn't pressure, OW know that everybody knows her secret. In general, it is a good tool for putting a crimp in the A.

Your first goal is to do all that you can to end the A; your next step is to do everything that YOU can to save your M. Plan B is a part of all of that. Your WH will be forced to have his EN's met by OW; some of which she may not be able to meet. He will not be able to scream at you with all of his anger and guilt, because you will be dark. He'll be forced to deal with it all on his own. He won't be able to confide in OW.

Just expose, get it over with, and go dark.

WE could speculate all day what your WH will or won't do, but there is PROOF that this stuff works, Ani. Just read about the recovered, and those in recovery, who have done EXACTLY what we're asking you to do. It works. Even if there is a chance that it won't work to save your M, you will go through personal recovery, and survive very well.

Just spent the morning reading other threads. Went back and read Longhorn's thread, WAT's thread for newbies, and others. In some ways I still feel like a newbie. I did a great Plan A, but felt like my H was able to do a lot of cake eating. Looking back I wish I would have done a shorter Plan A. In the beginning stages of Plan B. Really miss H lately. Still questioning why he does the things he does. I often wonder if he misses me sometimes. I wonder if Plan B even phases him. It hasn't been that long but from the other threads I've read it seems like WS return quickly after Plan B if they are going to return at all. My H seems angrier at me because I exposed. I know I have to but it seems like it did more harm than good. I know MB's tell me the affairs usually always end, but when??? This seems like it's been going on for about 18 months..with him coming home for some of it. My only hope is that once he saw the light enough to return home..that perhaps that means he was struggling with the A and that he may return again. Then I think that may have been his last ditch effort at our marriage and now he's convinced himself that OW is right for him since he couldn't resist trying to contact her. Today's not a great day..need encouragement from anyone right now.

You think it was "harmful" because he was angry about exposure?? huh? Can you think of ANY possible circumstances under which a WS would not be angry about exposure? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Ani, Ani, Ani, calm down.

Let's see. My FWH had an A, beginning back in May of '05; he left in August, had a PA, then that ended, then he came home from October thru July of the following year (long false recovery). He left again, he began 'dating', he came back around a bit in September/October of '06 (I found MB in May '06), he started another A with another OW#2, I went into Plan B--it was NOT dark enough, by December it got darker, and I began to feel better. WH returned in February '07, saying that he would do all the things that he needed to for us to recover; he left in March. Then I was dark until May, when he contacted me for this final recovery.

Ani, it was a long and winding road just to get to a real recovery. You probably did Plan A too long, but that's neither here nor there now. That's done, in the past. What are you going to do today to save your M? Do you want to be able to say that you did everything within your power to stop the A and recover? This is part of that.

You still have a chance to recover. If you fly blind, your chances could be lower. If you use MB plans, you could increase your chances, and you could possibly decrease the amount of time this is all drawn out.

There are no guarantees, Ani, but there are better odds following the MB plans than discouraging yourself from doing them.

Again, your talking about things he's said. Until the ink is dry on a divorce decree, you are still married, and there is still a chance to do all that you can.

OK. I got the number to OW family on H side. Can't get hers. What if H is not with OW? What if she was really done with it all? Would exposure cause more harm than good? What if he is going through withdrawal from her. What if that is what is making him appear angry with me. Perhaps he blames me for their breakup? Do I go ahead and make the call? You mentioned Plan A might have been too long. Is there any damage in that? He did come home while in Plan A. What do you think??

Ani, I wouldn't call the OWH's family. And I wouldn't call her family unless you have evidence the affair is still on. There would be no point to it. Find out if the affair is still on and then call her parents.

Your H is angry because you exposed him. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY. We knew you weren't going to recieve roses for that.

We have no way of knowing the answers to these questions.

Questions are fine, Ani, but your posts sound like your brain is on overdrive with this stuff. If it is, you need to figure out how to relax. You'll burn yourself up if you keep going at this frenetic pace.

What are you doing for yourself? Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things you can do right now.

So don't call OWH family? I did expose to the OW employer. I do want to save my marriage and i want to do the right thing. I don't know how to find out if they are still together. Try calling her H again? I've spoken to him several times...he's never really much help. OW is close to her H son and wife. That is the number I have.

I know those questions can't be answered. I guess it just feels good to be able to ask them. I have been taking care of myself. Completed all the decorating, I get my hair and nails done regularly. Going for dinner tonight with my kids and our neighbors. Got new ta-ta's which made WH angry because he said I never consulted him about getting them. Next thing he knew I had a date set for the surgery. wasn't happy but I know he's probably pretty interested in what the outcome was. Said he didn't want me to go too big. I told him he moved out what do you care! Anyway, my point is I feel pretty good, and I am doing for me. Started exercising again to get in shape down to 127lbs and 5"6'' so I'm not looking too bad. Feel good too. I just love my H and want so much for our marriage to mend.

Ah, I assumed the A was still ongoing. If you have no proof, NO do not call. If you need to find proof, and you have the money, have him tailed by a PI.

I agree with sdguy. You sound a bit frantic. Your WH IS going to be ANGRY, and he is going to direct that at YOU. EXPECT that; don't read too much into it. HE had the A and he's mad at you. Does that make sense to you, Ani? NO? Well, it doesn't ever make sense, but that's what WS's do.

Just let the exposure do it's own work, and remain dark. No one here can answer your questions with any certainty, Ani. We cannot predict the future for anyone here. That is why we keep telling you to stick to the plans; they are your best bet for recovery, as well as personal recovery. It's quite early in the whole process.

As sdguy would say, it's a marathon, not a sprint...

Tailing him is so emotionally exhausting. I guess I'll do it. Tough though..he works out of the area..commutes over an hour. I just don't know if I can take it. I will probably just lose it if I find out he's with her again. Remember...I have the video of them meeting when he lived at home and the meeting did not seem to go well. Then I spoke to OW and she said she was done. WH said OW said she was done as well. Could be part of the affair reigniting. Who knows. I'm mentally exhausted from all this crap. Sometimes I just want to let it all go and if it's meant to be he'll come home, if not there was nothing I could do about it anyway. I'm not giving up on my marriage I just feel like I really can't impact the outcome of this at all.

Ani, I wouldn't follow him. I would just let the exposure do it's work. If you can find the resources to pay someone else to do it, then, by all means, do that.

Again, we can speculate all that we want to, you won't know what's happening. I would assume the A is not over, yet.

Plan B IS your chance to let it go, so go ahead. You cannot control the outcome. You have done what you can to impact the A, now you can sit back and heal a bit; regain some confidence, take care of the finances and yourself.