Silent- That sounds so good. You brought tears to my eyes because I'm so tired. It's been a long hard road and I don't think I can go back there again. (Meaning tailing him) It was by far the most difficult part of this whole thing. I can remember the pain like it was just hours ago. I can't stop crying because I can't go there again. It's too much. I would drop my kids off at friends houses and have to lie about where I was going. I don't want to blow my chance but I really don't think I have the strenght. I don't have the money for a PI.

Ani, just do the plan B now. If some solid proof comes your way, that's fine, but I wouldn't tail him anymore.

Are you taking any meds? Are you seeing a doc or therapist? Are you exercising? Do you have things that you like to do for yourself? Fun movies you enjoy, a good book, shopping, decorating, ANYTHING that can occupy your mind and time? Start doing those things now.

I actually do quite a bit for myself. Mostly feel pretty good. Counseled with Steve a few times. H did once as well. Only work PT so I'm not overwhelmed with chores. Went to IC some but most of the therapist seemed to be interested with why I would want to work on my marriage after the affair. Kinda got tired of trying to explain my reasons. They pretty much made me feel like some loser trying to hang on to a man that doesn't love me. Who knows maybe they were right. Anyway, my little breakdown a few minutes ago felt good. I guess I needed that. The whole idea of tailing him again made me feel like I was back in the beginning of this nightmare. I feel tons better now. I am on AD, low dose but seems to keep my emotions nice and even.

Okay, so your past couple of posts sound better. The more you can focus on you rather than him and the affair, the happier you will be. So, don't tail him. Try not to worry about he is feeling, doing, angry about, etc. It's impossible, I know, but it's something to strive for.


Okay, so let's go with this. Let's take this as a given. There is nothing you can do today that will make your husband come home.

So. . . what are you going to do today? Are you going to worry and fret about whether or not he's going to come home? How will that help you?

Or are you going to do something fun for yourself? Or if not fun (it's probably hard to imagine something that would be fun), something productive that will keep your mind busy.

Are there things you could do to your home--projects that would make you feel better about it? Or maybe make it more inviting?

Lots of counselors don't understand how infidelity works. Most, in fact. You could always look around for another one if you didn't like your previous one, but keep in mind that the counselor will work to try to make *you* feel better, and the MB concepts may be counter-intuitive for them.

By not giving up on your marriage, you are choosing to put yourself in a painful situation. Plan B is about preserving your willingness to reconcile while minimizing the pain of your situation.

There are ups and downs. Lots of them. Every time you go down hard, you will be tempted to quit. Or lash out at him, which will only push him farther away.

Being able to relax is very important. Do you ever meditate? Have you ever tried yoga or the like? I recommend it.

(((Ani)))

Yoga sounds good. I used to be a competitive gymnast so I really like all the stretching etc. Love dance. Thought I might take a class. Money is tight being that we now have a rental house to pay for. I only work PT. Thought about going to work FT among other things. Thanks you guys for picking me up!!!! You're the best!!

Good Morning All!!! Much better day today. Finally think I get Plan B. I was thinking that it was a way for my husband to see what life would be like without me. Have OW have to meet his needs etc. I know part of that is true but I see now that this could take awhile and I would grow very impatient if I'm waiting for him to realize his mistake and come home. I see now that if I have no expectations of him then I can't be hurt. I see how detaching myself saves me from his wayward behavior. I still miss him and find myself missing him more every day. I thought that feeling would go away but not yet. The only remark I can make on that is I used to see him at the kids games and they are no longer playing on those teams. So I guess for us it is truly NC with each other since then. I'm trying to be dark. The kids said dad was going to put up Christmas decorations with them this weekend. It makes me sad to hear that. I hope that it makes WH sad too. Probably not though.

Another question. If I do run into WH should I give a little wave and smile? Do I just look away? Sometimes I drop off the kids if I'm going to be over near the rental. I never know what to do when I drive up.

Do whatever you can to minimize any contact whatsoever. If you don't HAVE to drop the kids off, don't. If this is necessary, then you will have to react in the moment. I wouldn't be JOLLY toward him, but I would be civil.

Plan B IS about showing the WS what life without you will be like, and it IS about protecting yourself and letting go. Personal recovery can begin to happen at this time. It's a long road, so don't try to accomplish it all today. Piece by piece, little bits a day.

You miss your H, because that is who you love, it's natural, and it's a process. Your WH is not that man, and needs to be shut out, until your H reappears or you are fully healed. Either way, you will survive this.

Thanks Silent. I guess I'm glad I miss my H...some days I don't. It just reaffirms the love I have for him. Plan B is so much easier now that the kids aren't in sports. I struggled with should I attend games or not. That won't come up until Spring. I read something that said most affairs end w/in two years. 80% of spouses are back together w/in 5 years. Is that true? Not sure where I read it?

Dr. Harley talks about the typical length of an A. I'm not sure about the 85% stat regarding spouses returning. I know that many do. That is why it is imperative that you start looking at personal recovery. Get yourself healing.

You are responsible for you own happiness, regardless of who is in or out of your life. You also have to mourn the losses that you have incurred due to the infidelity. This takes time.

You can be given every statistic in the world to read, and it still won't make you feel safe, Ani. Focus on you right now, not the M, not your WH.

It's hard not to focus on my M. I guess I'm looking for hope, for strenght. Some days I need more encouragment than others. Some days I could rule the world. What was your story again. Does my situation look bad?
May 06- WH moved out
July 06- D-Day
Plan A
May 07 WH moved home
October 07 moved out
October 07 weak Plan B
November07 stronger Plan B

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3338242

This is my current thread, with links in the sig line to my first thread and my Plan B/Beginnings of recovery thread

The situations that occur here all differ in small ways, some in big ways, but mostly we can all identify with what a poster is saying. Your sitch is in no way HUGELY different. Your WH is in no way VASTLY different than many others here.

I think when we see our spouses as soooo different than the other WS here, we keep ourselves from hearing the messages of hope. If you can take some time and read the threads of the regular posters, and those in recovery, you will see that we've all weathered very similar storms. You will begin to see your spouse as not so different than the others here, and you will begin to regain faith that there is hope.

My first Dday was in July of '05. I've been at this for a while now. My husband returned, but not until I really followed the plans.

Great words of encouragement. You know I still do have hope. Some days more than others. When I saw the tears in my H eyes when he said he wanted a D, I could see the pain in his eyes. He cried many times during the past 1 1/2 years. Once he broke down after watching a movie about a man that had a one night stand. Cried so hard I couldn't console him..at the time I did not know what was wrong. Then again when he moved out the first time, then the second time, then when the song Remember When played on the radio. The list actually goes on and on. Sometimes this was occuring when he was still seeing OW. There's not doubt that he at times is sad about the A. That's my hope. That the man I knew as my H will once again appear and we can put this behind us. I just can't see how a man that cries so much over this can honestly want it. But what do I know?

I had a great weekend. No contact with WH at all. I feel like the darker I can be the more beneficial Plan B will be. It will make the most impact.

Plan B is what me, so I'm a great fan of Plan B. And the longer and darker it was, the better I felt. The downside is there are few problems to post about.

Thanks believer for your encouragement.

I've been meaning to get on here and post to you, Ani.

You have a lot of reason to hope. Keep up the Plan B, and keep it as dark as possible.

Sometimes it will be easy, and you will feel good. Other times, something will trigger you, and you'll be tempted to break out of your plan B. Do you know what I mean by triggers and how to respond to them?

Thanks for thinking of me sdguy. I don't know what you mean by triggers though. How do I respond to them? So far I have good and bad days. There are times I think of all the crap my H has put me through and think he doesn't deserve me. I was a really good wife...devoted, good cook, kept myself fit, always fixed myself before he came home from work..unless I mowed the lawn for him so he wouldn't have to do it. I guess it wasn't enough. I guess he needed a boss giving him promotions and raises to make him feel good. Someone to stroke his ego. I did that but he made a comment one day that I was his wife I was suppose to do that. So I guess he needed it from someone who wasn't suppose to do it.

He needed the attention, and shut himself off from you. That has nothing to do with you. Try to understand that. His cheating has nothing to do with you. It's a choice that HE made. Instead of coming to you and trying to hash the issues out, giving you insight into his needs, he chose to let someone else into your marriage.

Ani, his choices are his alone, no matter what kind of wife you were. He never even gave you a chance. There is no one to blame but himself. Plan B is also meant to have the WS face this on their own, to give all of the consequences of their choices directly to them.

You sound like you did well as a wife. Maybe you didn't fulfill his EN's as he would have liked, but it's up to him to TELL YOU, not for you to mind read.

Read Mulan's thread about flirting. This may help you to put your WH's choices into perspective.

I know I was a good wife. He won't take that from me. I accept my part of not meeting his needs while he was traveling but I also had needs that weren't being met during those times. I didn't go find someone to meet them. I told him I felt alone when he was traveling..told him I didn't want him traveling anymore that it felt like we were two separate people. It fell on deaf ears..so I started doing for me and the boys and I didn't feel connected to him. But he didn't give up the traveling. He said the traveling had nothing to do with it and that we were drifting a long time before the traveling took place. When he started traveling it was with the OW. Not the OW at that time but a friendship did exist. I think she always had a little thing for my husband that he didn't even pick up on in the beginning. That's why she always scheduled him to travel on certain jobs with her. Anyway, I'm so mad at the way he tries to say we were drifting way before the traveling. That wasn't so. I never even knew there was a problem. He never ever said anything was wrong. Only after he had been traveling with her for a while did I ever know he wasn't happy. I'm so mad at him that I'm not sure I can get over it. I don't even know if I love him right now. He has been so awful to me that I almost hate him. I know I'm having an angry day today. Some days I'm sad, others angry. I guess it's just part of the process. I love him but I don't know that I would be willing to work on things so easily if he wanted to come back. I've been hurt and wounded and he has to do a whole lot to repair that. Am I losing love for him? Is this part of detaching? Is it normal to feel this way right now? Does it mean I don't love him anymore? I'm so confused over my feelings right now.