Mel is right. Getting closer to this guy is a really bad idea.

Did Jennifer talk with you about that? How you're very vulnerable and need to be careful with friendships with men? Especially if they're sending out signals!

Don't kill me!! I figured you would say that. I'm not interested, just flattered I guess. Nice to have someone pay attention to me a little. Jennifer did not talk to me about friendships with men. I will keep my distance and protect myself and my marriage. I will call my GIRLS to hang out with. Got it Mel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ani, how are things going?

Been a while since I posted. Christmas was as good as it could be. First Christmas without my WH and mom. WH had kids in the morning then brought them home around 9:30. I had them the rest of the day and night. I feel a lot more stressed than before. I don't know if it was Christmas mixed in with all this other stuff. I am really beginning to lose hope. WH moved out a little over two months ago. I guess I was hoping for him to come to his senses and come home. I have no idea whether Christmas bothered him or not. My son said he told his Grandpa about our seperate houses. That really bummed me out because he never wanted anyone to know before. He also got the kids bikes for the rental house. Sounds like he's moving on without me. I'm so bummed. What does all this mean? I feel like he's done this time. Last time he moved out he was cake eating like crazy..this time he seems like he's moving on. By the way he still doesn't look good. Lost a lot of weight and looks tired. Anyway...anyone with hope for us please post because to me this seems hopeless. Has other WH acted this way?

Ani, do you know if he is still seeing OW or another OW?

Ani, we can't help you if you won't even consider our advice or call the Harleys. You are not in Plan B, you are not in Plan A. These methods have been proven to WORK, yet you rely on your own EMOTIONALLY slanted plan, which isn't even a plan.

What about YOU Ani? How are you working to moved past this? Are you reading any books, seeing any counselors?

I don't know how many times to tell you that your WH is ACTING like so many others, including mine. Maybe take some time to read other peoples threads here, start looking at the similarities. Stop trying to make any sense of your WH's actions.

Do you see how much pain you are inflicting on yourself by repeated contact with a wayward?

YOu are swirling in a vat of self pity. There are ways to begin to emerge from this, but they require you caring enough about yourself to let him go.

Do not no if WH is seeing OW or another OW. SL- I did counsel with Jennifer a couple of weeks ago. I am working on my letter and conditions if he is to return. J said to email it to her and she will critique it for me. I haven't started it yet because of the holidays. I've been keeping myself busy. Enjoying friends and family. I haven't had contact with my WH. Per J I am to contact him in regards to financial and children. When he replys they are screened by a friend for review first. I was bummed on Christmas Day...I don't think it's self pity. It's just the truth and to say I didn't think of him would be a lie. Of course I wish my family was together. But just wishing that doesn't mean I am not looking out for me. I am and I feel good about how far I have come. I realize that there is nothing I can do to make him come back. I can be nice or mean and that isn't going to change anything. This is his struggle not mine. I pray about it and still hope but that's all I can do. I have strong days and weak days. I tend to post here on my weak days as those are the times I need the MB's the most.

Sounds like Jennifer helped you get a plan going. That's good. Have you identified your personal and M boundaries?

L.

I think I need help with my letter stating my boundaries. Anyone have any ideas or have one they can share with me to get ideas? I need to email it to Jennifer to review. After that I just sit and wait. Start looking out for me and the kids.

You need to figure out those boundaries for yourself. I would think that no contact with OW would be a starter, and then total transparency from your husband.

I'm setting my boundaries as suggested by Jennifer. I have had no contact..not even about the kids. This is a new year and I have to give this my all. I'm not dwelling on why's and what if's any more. It is what it is. I know he is acting like all the other WS. He's no different. I am working on me. Watching what I eat, looking into buying an elliptical. Not sure if I will use it at home but with my kids I think I have a better chance working out more at home than in a gym. Just a little update...since I don't have much to write about.

Ani, you're sounding stronger.

Good choices on watching what you eat and looking into exercise. I highly recommend using an elliptical machine but do review research before purchasing. The first one I bought burned up quickly - because the manufacturer used bushings instead of ball bearings. To replace the parts with the now non-working bushings would have cost about 1/3 of what the whole machine cost.

So, look for machines with ball bearings instead of bushings.

Ani, you sound much more focused on yourself. This is really great news! You still have things to post about, in terms of personal recovery, and we will be here to help.

I'm sorry if my last post sounded harsh. My intention was to get you to STOP thinking about the wayward husband, and to give more concern to your situation, financially and emotionally.

You will still think about your WH, but you will not have to deal with all of the turmoil, and pain that they tend to continue to inflict with their fogged out words and actions.

It's good that you are getting guidance from Jennifer. She's really great!

Here's to a much better year than the last, Ani!

thanks for the advice on the elliptical. The one I was looking at was a Smooth. It is on sale for 1999.00. Not sure about the ball bearings. I'll look into that. Otherwise..it was rated good on a few different sites. SL- You weren't harsh. Just trying to help me and I appreciate that. Kinda like tough love. I am focusing more on me. Holidays were a little sad but hey I made it !!!!!!

For me, the time AFTER the holidays last year was good, it was like a relief to have made it through in one piece, with most of my sanity intact. I actually felt stronger, like, if i can get through that, I'm better for it.

It's tough, we all know that, but we care, and want you to succeed in personal growth and recovery right now, because you are special, and important to many. You may not even know how important you are to some, but know that you are, especially to your family, friends and kids; a healthy, happy mom is A#1 to them.

hanks for the words of encouragement. I am living my life now the best that I can. During the really bad times I was so focused on wayward spouse I feel like I neglected my kids. Not really neglected but I felt like I was on the phone all the time explaining stuff to my friends. I have a great network but to tell each one what happened that day can really use up a lot of valuable time. Now if someone asks I say I'm not sure what WH is doing I simply state I have no idea. This is his problem and he is the only one who can fix it. I am excited about a possible job interview. I passed the first round of interviews and had to take a test. If I score well on that I move on to a second interview. I need practice interviewing as I have stayed home for so many years I'm kind of out of the loop. I really want this job..I think it would be great for me to have something new to focus on. It is in another city so I'll have to commute but it is in the same city that my WH commutes to as well. God willing if he does figure things out and does want to come home one day it would be easy to relocate to that city. I'm not holding my breath though. Anyway, wish me luck I need it sooooo bad!!!!

Good luck, Ani.

You sound better, and I'm glad to hear it. You're starting to get a taste of the peace that comes with a well-executed Plan B.

Don't have much to write about. Just checking in I guess. Things are going pretty well. Every day that goes by though I have less and less hope for WH return. I'm not dwelling on it ..he's been out of the house almost 3 months. If he was going to return I'm sure he would have by now. I'm OK though still looking out for me and my kids. We have a good time together. I'm working full time starting Mon so I'll be busier.

This is faulty thinking. You don't know when the alien is going to let go of your husband. Three months of plan B is not all that long.


This is a side effect of Plan B. When it doesn't happen every day, you are less and less crushed, so that's good. It doesn't mean you wouldn't take your husband back if he showed up on your doorstep.

Fox described what happens beautifully. She said that she had taken her hope for recovery, packed it away into a box, and put the box up on a shelf. If she needs it, she can still get it down. In the mean time, she can go about her life of parenting her daughters, doing her job, and living as best she can.

Plan B is boring. There's not much to post about, which is why the Killer Bees took to joking around so much. Don't let yourself get lulled to sleep by the boredom, though, or else you won't recognize a trigger when it comes (and it will, sooner or later).

I hope the interviews are going well. You're doing very well.

(((Ani)))

Ani, IIRC, Dr. Harley has written that affairs usually burn out between 6 mths to 2 years. I'm glad that you were able to find fulltime employment - a new job will likely serve as a distraction for your mind - at least for a couple of hours a day. I'm glad you are feeling OK. I probably missed it, but is he still spending time with the children? And how are the children handling things?