I’ve been off the board for a couple of months because I thought that my identity was known, so I came back with a different name.

I’m losing the battle and need the input of all of you to guide me. Just to recap – WH was on a long term assignment for about a year where I learned that he had an A (actually lived with her for most of the time, but I didn’t find that out until much later). Dday was last December when the assignment came to an end. He said that he loved me, it was over, and that he wanted to stay together. I didn’t know about MB then, but I did a Plan A. Actually for the next 5 months I thought we were doing great, only to discover (in May) that the A never ended. They still had been finding a way to meet while he travelled. He called her in front of me that time and left a voice message that he was with me and working on the marriage. I found MB shortly after that.


It’s been a roller coaster since then. I worked with Jennifer and she guided me through somewhat. So for the last 4 months I have been in and out of Plan B. Each time he said that he wanted to work on the marriage and promised to write a NC letter but didn’t. I’d find evidence of more contact, then go to Plan B again.

Throughout all of this, he has not really been remorseful or sensitive to my pain, thinks MB books are crap, and thinks the sessions with Jennifer are a hoax, and will not quit the travelling job, so he is very seldom home. Since Dday we have spent probably less than 45 days together. The whole Plan B thing just makes him mad. He gets mad because I won’t communicate. One of my big problems is that when I’m hurt I don’t communicate and he hates that, so Plan B is more of the thing that he hates.

About 5 weeks ago, I discovered that he lied again and was in her city. I blew up, told him that I was filing for LS and that I didn’t want to see him again. I know, big LB, but after being at this 9 months I was just tired.

So this time around he left town and we have had no contact. I remained very dark, but have not heard from him until today. We got a contract on our house (we are downsizing) so we needed to communicate because the buyers want us out fast. I tried communicating through the RE agent, but that wasn’t working. He said that he was never coming back, that he will send a mover to pick up and store his stuff, I can take what I want, and he has nothing else to say to me. He said that I threatened him (with LSA and forced sale of the house) and that he doesn’t put up with that. If that’s what I want then that’s what I get. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

I know that I haven’t done a good job of following MB plans very well , and I know that I haven’t stuck to my boundaries well either. The travel makes things difficult and he hasn’t given me the standard WS script. He has always maintained that he loves me, wants the marriage, etc. which is confusing because most posters get ILYBNILWY script. I’ve never gotten any of that. Plus, he still maintains that he is not seeing her.


I don’t know if this marriage can be saved at this point. I have been here alone for the last 3 years taking care of the house, my business, administrative stuff etc. He doesn’t even have to take out the garbage. I did travel with him some weekends, but that was hard due to my business.

I think that he led a 2nd life that I wasn’t part of, and now I’m like the AP which he needs to give up. This is so hard after 35 years of marriage. I don’t know what to do to make this work.

Anyway, I’ve sobbed like a faucet all day and can’t turn it off. I’m now faced with having to find a place to live alone and he isn’t even coming back to help me move. I realized that I probably needed an income, so I got a job which I start next week (making more than he does) but I’m so distraught at the moment I can’t function. I scheduled an appt. with Jennifer for tomorrow, but I would like to get feedback from all of you.

Don’t 2x4 me too badly because I’m really depressed. Can I do anything to get back to a plan and save this marriage?

Thanks for your help

Hi again. Did the two of you agree to sell the home?

Yes, the house has been for sale for a long time now.

I'm sure you will hear from him again. So you are going to buy another one on your own?

CL,

He is the loser and you need to pull yourself up and move forward. W/b easier than you realize. Financially you w/b ok. He won't.

He is babbling due to having a revolt. He will soon up chuck.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Stay out of his way when he throws up. That WS lifestyle, isn't healthy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Where's your support group? Can they help you find a place?

take care,
L.

The whole Plan B thing just makes him mad. He gets mad because I won’t communicate. One of my big problems is that when I’m hurt I don’t communicate and he hates that, so Plan B is more of the thing that he hates.

so what so what so what if plan B makes him mad...

that's bullcrap babble...

he doesn't like it ....
babble back...

well dear I really don't like trying to communicate with someone who lies to me over and over and over....so if think me not talking to you makes you mad....mulitply that by a billion when I do talk to you...and ALLLL you do is lie....

wah wah wah wah...

if he wants this marriage then he has to SHUT UP and PUT UP....

isnt' it convenienant for him to have such a nice travely job to escape to ....and just tuck tail and run run run....

has jennifer advised the multiple plan B's...or is that your doing....

He has always maintained that he loves me, wants the marriage, etc. which is confusing because most posters get ILYBNILWY script. I’ve never gotten any of that. Plus, he still maintains that he is not seeing her.

empty words....when you really want something you work at it...period...
obviosly the man knows how to WORK ..so he is capable of working on the marriage...

I think a move..
a new job

all this will be a huge huge message to mister treat his wife like a doormat...and then run run run....

ARK

Orchid,

Yes, I have a great group of friends including my RE agent. WH is now trying to get her to coordinate the move of all of his stuff to storage. I told her not to help him. According to him, he works too many hours and is too busy to take off work. He has tons of junk in the basement and garage. We have a 4 BR house that we have lived in over 20 years, so you can imagine how much we have.


I've decided to find a place and take my things, then leave. He can figure out how to get all of his out. He can also worry about utilities, mail forwarding, etc.

Ark,

Yes, Jennifer advised me on the first Plan B. I just couldn't afford to call her too much. I am speaking with her again tonight though.

And yes, I have basically been a doormat. He travels and I stay here and take care of the house, bills, taxes, my business, DD25 with major problems, elderly mother etc. As I said, he doesn't even take out the trash when he is here.

I guess I'm having trouble letting go. It's obvious that he really isn't interested in working on the marriage, but 35 years is a long time to throw away. Just not sure what else I can do at this point.

I will let you know what Jennifer advises me to do.

Thanks all, I appreciate the feedback. Sometimes you just need to hear it from others...

Well, I had a great conversation with Jennifer. Again, back to Plan B and totally dark. She said that he is now really angry because I've filed a LSA and forced the sale of the house. This is really throwing a kink in affairland. I'm removing myself totally from doing anything for him with the move.

Since we have to be out by the day of closing (3 weeks), I'm going to find an apartment tomorrow and move all of my stuff over the course of the next three weeks. I'm leaving his things and he can get them however he can. I really believe that he thinks I am going to coordinate his move, be here while his movers are here, get a storage unit for his stuff etc. WRONG. He's so used to having me do everything. Going to be a big surprise for him. It will be interesting to see how he accomplishes this move without coming back.

Jennifer said that if he does call and I answer (not knowing it's him) I should say "Are you calling to recover our marriage?" If he says "no", then I'm to say "sorry but I can't talk to you. I still want o create a new marriage with you. Goodbye." If he ever is ready, I'm to have him call her first before anything happens.

Sounds like a good plan. Feeling much better today. Off apartment hunting tomorrow and I'm going to find a great apartment that will be nice for me to come home to everyday. Just have to find one that will take my Boston "Terror"

I think that I found an apartment that will work. I will have to store a lot of my own things for a while.

Movers looked at all of the junk that is his and it will take 2-3 days to pack it all. Who does he think is going to be here to supervise it? Of course he thinks that I will do it.

So in three weeks I have to start a new job, pack my own things, move in to a new place, and close. I still can't believe that someone you were married to for 35 years would leave you to do this alone.

I guess if he decides to chuck it and not even come back for his own stuff, I'll have the burden of getting it out too. There is so much that I won't be able to afford the storage bill. Friends say I should just auction it off.

DD25 wants to call OP and tell her what a mess she is making of our family. Is it wise to give her the number? I'm afraid that DD will threaten because she has a bad temper.

Thoughts?

Good idea. Your DD can let her know that she will never be accepted into the family and will always be hated because of her hand in breaking up her family. Tell her to be very firm and very polite. She might even want to record it. If the OW is ugly to her, that won't go over well with your H.

Can someone please help me understand better what is happening here? I know this is an addiction, but please, is there no lengths to which they will go?

My re agent spoke with WH, and she thinks that he is going to say h3ll with it and walk away from everything. I don’t understand how he can walk away from a 35 year marriage with only the suitcase that he left with.

I’m trying desperately to understand this. Our marriage was not perfect, but neither is any other marriage. In fact, I thought it was pretty good. We always got along, raised our DD, did things together (remodeled house, rental property etc), almost never fought about anything. We have a very comfy nest egg built for retirement too.

Is it me? I’m not a bad person. In fact, I'm a pretty good person. I’m educated (MBA), had a good job before I started my business, got a good job again. I’m not ugly. I’m 5’4”, 107 lbs, dress very well. Although I’m mid 50’s most people think I’m 40ish.

He’s leaving a house full of furniture, his beloved hobby stuff, his dead mother’s antiques, clothing, gardening tools, tractor etc.

Since the OP lives about 1000 mi away, I don’t know much about her other than D a few times, financial problems, several kids and grandkids.

Can someone please help me understand this? I don’t know how to fight it anymore. Should I just accept the fact that it is over and go for a D?

ML - Yes, I am going to give my DD OP's number and let her call. I was just afraid DD might threaten her and get into trouble. At this point, I don't know if it will help, but I guess its worth a try.

Please help me understand this.....

Sounds to me like he is on drugs! Seriously, that was my first thought, and then I remembered that is what MB compares affairs to.

Good for you for taking care of yourself though! Sounds like with the new job, new apartment and dd on your side you will be fine.

Chai, your H fell out of love because you live apart. The marriage grew to mean nothing more to him than a convenient legal arrangement. This is exactly what happens when a couple live apart. His needs were not met by you so someone else met them. It sounds like he left the marriage emotionally some years ago and is already quite detached.

ML,

I know that you are right. I guess that I just didn't want to admit that there was no hope here. I've seen it so many times before when one spouse travels. In our case, it has been three years now.

I know that I need to get this over and move on. Has anyone seen cases like this where the M was able to recover???

Chai, oh yes, this could easily recover if he moved home and you worked on the marriage. But i know of no other way.

Up to this point, he has refused to quit his job because we have had bills to pay. Now that I have a job and we have sold the house, he no longer needs to keep the travel job, but whether he will quit or not at this point is questionable. The A may be too serious now to break up.

Jennifer advised me to a DARK Plan B no matter what, so maybe that will shake it loose. I can only hope and pray....

Listen to Jennifer. What did she advise you t/d for you, recovery plan wise?

Have you identified your personal and M boundaries? Secured your finances? Completed a background check on the OW?

I strongly suspect the OW is a gold digger and found a pile of gold..... that really belongs to YOUR family. The WS is stupid, in the fog and being duped (yea...like being on drugs). Regardless you've got some work t/d.

Put on your gloves, get out the disinfectant and start cleaning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Jennifer advised me to keep busy, work on me, etc. She said that I definitely needed to stop meeting his needs (doing anything for him at home). I knew that, but I was having a hard time disengaging myself from all of the "home" stuff.

Yes, I have filed the LSA since he has run up considerable cc debt due to the affair. I also transferred any joint accounts to my name only.

I did do a Peoplefinders check, but was not able to find much more that name, address, marital status (D twice), and several former addresses. I found evidence of two former bankruptcies listed in her town newspaper.

When you say "start cleaning" - did I miss anything? Anything else that I should be doing but didn't? Any advice is appreciated. I've messed up a few times because I wasn't clear on my boundaries, and I don't want to do it again. Per Jennifer, I'm not to talk to him at all about R until he calls her first.

Hi CL,

You need to complete identifying your personal and M boundaries. Then implement them.

Make sure all your finances are secured. Check out your spousal rights in your area.

As for the background search. Go check out Google again. Check out this site w/info: http://cguidedotto.nfshost.com/Background.Search/

It is an article about different search sites. Be cautious.

Even if you only find the info you already have, it is quite telling. OW is looking for someone to pay her bills and let her make more. There's a lot like those kind out there.

Keep moving forward.

L.

Orchid,

Thanks. I'll check out those sites. Funny, WH even said that to me one day - "OW is looking for someone to take care of her" but, in the next breath "she really loves me."

Upchuck...