Can someone help me understand the hostility in WH?

The title company called him today and he was very hostile to them. He refuses to come back to the closing and refuses to give me PoA to close. Will only give it to the realtor who does not feel comfortable doing it.

If you remember, he was very hostile to me last time we spoke (right before I talked with Jennifer and was advised to do a dark Plan B). He hates me, wants nothing to do with me and does not want to talk to me.

He has been gone for 2 months now, and said he would never come back. But, today I came home and discovered that he had been in the house. His mail was gone and he put the new mail on the counter. Since he has been so hostile, I did not offer to forward his mail to him.

I noticed a few boxes in the garage, so he obviously plans on coming in tomorrow when I'm at work to pack a few things. Not sure why he didn't just do it today, but he didn't.

Anyway, why the hostility? Is it because they need to turn it around and make it your fault?? Does he really hate me that much? I don't know that I'll ever understand this. Just when I think that I'm going to be OK, something like this happens and I sink to a new low again. I just want to feel like a normal human at some point.

Please help....

{{{{{{{{{{{{Chailover}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have such limited experience with this hostility, I have no suggestions for you.

Is he possibly in a mid life crisis? It seems he would at least cooperate to get the house sold and gone and over and done if he hated you so much and the house keeps you two connected.

Or not.

I just don't know.

Hopefully, others do. I'll keep praying for you and trusting that God will send laborers your way to uplift you and give you strength and peace.

Ace

Thanks Ace.

After I posted yesterday, I walked upstairs and noticed that all of his clothes were now gone. I guess that I didn't look around much before I posted.

Not sure what he plans to do at this point. I'm feeling less and less hopeful now. I have someone to come and help me pack tomorrow. I just didn't feel that I could be alone. It's hard to lose everything at once. I'm trying to keep going, but I just want to lie down and never get up right now.

This will pass.....CL. Do you have anyone who can stay with you while things are so difficult? Who is helping you move......can they hang around more?

Ace

Hi ChaiLover!

Feelings are just feelings...

from reading your post, It appears to me that you are very strong and you are doing what you must do to protect yourself.

You may "feel less hopeful", but that feeling will pass. Try to focus on the facts... and I think that you will see that you are taking some concrete steps to try and save your M.

I don't have any personal experience with separating, so I can't offer you any advice... I just wanted you to know that I read your thread, and I think you're doing great!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi C,
I have been reading your posts
I think you have done very well
When all this was happening to me it was very long ago, although I just found out about most of it, even then I knew about one A, I was doing the MB way, kind of, and didn't know it.
I remember when H was very hostile to me, wow, it was crazy, they have to be, your H can't be nice right now, its that fog, if H was nice to you H would have to love you.
H has to tell himself all the rotten things you did to him, so H can justify why he left, H can't say what a wonderful W you are and how he loves you, then H would have to be nice. You see how that works?
I do agree that you need to take care of yourself, yes, go get your nails done, join a gym or get some excersise CD's,and trust me I hate that word, (excersise) get your haircut, dyed to something hip and going on, some hot clothes.
like everyone says, you can't control H, you can only control you.
there is hope, there really is, if you want something automatically you will steer yourself in that direction, but H has to change.
it is you that H has the attachment for not anyone else.

C,
We are the same age. You are doing a fabulous job of taking care of business. I am sorry your H is doing these things.

I don't have any wonderful wise words, but want to cheer you on with your moves to real independence, your pink room (I think I'd make myself a real boudoir with purple satin and feather boas all over the place, just to make the guy wonder!) and your cohort of sassy goddesses.

I'll keep checking your thread and see you over on Vacation time.

I confess that I haven't read anything here but the last page.

Do you feel unsafe with him coming into the house?

If so, and if you are going to be living there for long, could you change the locks. I swapped out a doorknob w/ a lock in it for under $25. It may not be the greatest lock but it will be adequate.

Ace, RIF, Doingfine, Chrysalis & Cinderella:

Thanks to all of you for looking in on me. Your support is helping me get through this, so please continue to post to me when you can. I think that the next two weeks will be the hardest of my life. Losing my house and my H will be very tough for me. I wish there was a way to fast forward this thing.

Update: I came home today and the garage was packed with his tools etc. I had a note saying that he needed his birth certificate and car title, and that he would be back tomorrow to move his things. He told DD to ask me what I wanted.

I wrote a list of things that I was taking.

Although I had several people coming to help ME pack tomorrow, I decided to cancel. I felt that it was more important not to break my Plan B. Besides, with his hostility, I didn't want to bring others around it and I don't want to be here with him and his movers. My emotional status right now is such that I don't think that I want to be around him. I just can't take anymore hurt right now.

I hope that is the right thing to do. I've screwed up two other Plan B's and I don't want to fudge this one too. If there is a recovery, it has to be because he wants it and is willing to meet my conditions.

Ace, I don't have anyone to stay with me right now. Looks like I'll be in the half empty to empty house until closing.

Cinderella, no I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me physically, just emotionally.

At least he came back for his things which he said that he would NOT do. Not sure what changed his mind.

Please let me know if you think staying DARK through this is the right thing to do. I just don't know if the situation of moving warrants otherwise.

BTW, Jennifer thinks the sale of the house will be a check on the right side. Will take off the financial pressures.

Oh, Doingfine - I also hate exercise. YUK. Wish I did like it though. I really loved your idea about the hot clothes and hair color, so I will take you up on that!!!
Geesh, how hot can a 53 year old look though?

Hi CL,

Just take your DD shopping with you and let her help you. 53 is like the old 33 anyhow so look as young as you want to feel.

I got mistaken for being in my late 30's (and having an affair with my H) last year. It was assumed by some wives of the all-star players who did not know DH (or me for that matter) and they thought I had hooked up with him in the hotel on that road trip. They were very accepting when they discovered we had been married nearly 33 years.

(Of course, last year I didn't tell them that the trip would make or break our marriage so that's why we were so non-social the entire time.) It worked, our marriage was saved and we've done social things with various couples from that group during the past year.

Getting back to your image you project. It seems to me that while what you wear and look like is important, it would seem that how you carry yourself would speak loudly, too. Your confidence, strength and courage will fill in the blanks if your appearance misses something.

Just a thought or two....not sure how they relate or not but I thought I throw it out there anyhow..

I am praying for you, CL and would love to have you take a break sometime on the Recovery Vacation thread.

Ace

Gosh, I think I would have continued my plans to move my stuff out. But if you can't stay calm and cheerful around him, it is probably best not to be there.

I think he is so angry because he was planning on having his affair and having you at home too. Things didn't work out to suit him.

Is he going to sign for your new place?

Is he getting half the money for selling the house?

Hey ChaiLover,

Just saw your post on the other thread... How are you doing this morning?

Semper Fi,

RIF

Ace,

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm afraid if I took DD with me, I would end up with nothing and she would have shopping bags full. If I did end up with anything, it would be something that she could wear too - like a midriff showing top or hip huggers. YIKES

Believer, maybe you are right. I should stay today and just be cheerful and calm. I guess if he gets hostile I can leave. I'm just so emotional right now that I'm afraid I'll have a breakdown and I don't want to do that. Again, if I feel one coming on I can leave. Dunno. I only have another hour or two to think about it.

Better go so I can get dressed and make a decision....

Thanks for the input guys (said in the generic sense).

Well, I now know the real purpose of Plan B - to protect me. I realized that I didn't want to see him because I really can't deal with anymore hurt, and if he is going to be hostile it won't be good for me to be there. Besides, I looked around the house this morning and couldn't turn off the tears, so thought it best to leave rather than be a pathetic BS mess. We don't like BS pity parties which is what I was having.


So, I left the note as to what I was taking and I came to my business to work on paperwork. I now have to work on my business during weekend hours since I have a full time job.

I will just have to pack up during the evening hours. I'll go home to a 1/2 empty house tonight which will be hard.

CL,

I know you are having a difficult day and it all may be part of the process. That's not very comforting, I know, but there must be a reason.

I understand why you could not do Believer's excellent suggestion......I would want to, but probably would not have been able to do it either.

As you've seen if you're still following SMB's thread, things can change very quickly. She did not do a plan B but other influences created many complications when her H suddenly de-fogged (OW dissed on him re: children) and saw her for who she really was.....which made him realize what he was missing. Have you followed his (tst) thread? I have not checked it over the weekend, but I know they were both very emotional.

Protect yourself. I guess that is my point. If you can do so by going to your office, that works.

DO NOT confide in any male. You are far too vulnerable now....journal your feelings, vent here on MB, but do NOT confide your hurts to someone who could take advantage of your emotional state.

Soooo sorry for your pain, CL. I'll keep praying for you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chailover}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

Thanks Acey. I wish that I could have followed Believer's advice, but just didn't feel that I could. My emotional state is too fragile right now. Also, the stress is causing me to have IBS like symptoms if you know what I mean. I didn't think that would go over well with a house full of movers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I have followed SMB's and TST's threads. In fact, I just posted to tst.

And yes, Jennifer warned me about my vulnerablility. In fact, she actually called me back after our last session to specifically talk to me about it. That is how important she thought it was. Right now, I can't imagine even wanting to be with anyone else. These last few weeks I have just wanted to be alone. Actually, posting and reading here has been my outlet, so I will continue to do so.

Thanks for listening. I think I'll go have a cup of Chai at lunch. That is my fix for calming the soul....

My DH makes pitchers of that stuff for him and the kids. I love all kinds of tea but not that one. I also do not like ice tea's, only hot.

I agree about taking care of yourself and buying new clothes. I would take a close friend. I know I need a little help finding things that look good on me. DH will tell me (in a nice way) if something does not look good on me but he HATES shopping so I bring along a friend when I am going to look for something special. I had to laugh when you said your DD would pick out something she likes. My DD is now wearing the same size as me and she borrows stuff from me. It drives me NUTS when I am looking for my flipflops all over the house only to eventually find them on her feet!

suamico,

Does your DH drink it cold? I always drink the hot chai served in Indian restaurants. I don't like Starbucks or other coffee house chais - too sweet.

DD and I can't live together for that very reason. I would be trying to get ready for work, and my mascara would be gone, my blow dryer etc. I would step in the shower, go to grab the shampoo and it would be gone. Everytime I opened the washer her clothes were in there. GRRR Used to drive me crazy....

Is your story posted somewhere??

Things are far from hopeless. Your husband always seemed to me to be very attached to you. He will have to really realize that things are going downhill now that he is moving his things out.

And his situation with the OW is especially bad. I don't think his fog will last long. You need to just hang in there.