Yes DH likes it iced. I buy him clestial seasoning chai tea. He will take 6 bags and slow simmer them on the stove for about 1/2 hour. Then he will take a pitcher and add milk and ice then put a little sugar in the tea and pour the tea over the ice milk. He doesn't like starbucks tea either for the same reason. He does like their coffee drinks though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I don't have a story that I posted. Actually back in June (I think) a good friend of ours e-mailed me to tell me her husband had an affair. There was another one a year earlier that she had squashed and we knew about. I care for them both and it saddened me. I googled something like christian marriage forums and found this place. I started reading and found the principals interesting. I have actually learned some things! Sadly over the years we have seen this happen to people we love. Some marriages worked and some didn't. I really was at a loss as to what to say to my friend so comming here helped me help her. I told her about the site but she didn't come <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I think she could have used the help. He confessed and said it was over on a thursday. He said it was a EA and he kissed her. Then on Monday OWH called her and said they had intercourse (protected) and oral both ways (unprotected) She confronted him and asked if he would like to tell her the whole truth. Then he said there was foreplay but no sex. Then a few hours later he called her again and told her everything she already knew. She still questions if he told her because he ended it or because he knew OW had told OWH and wanted to beat him to the punch. Poor thing had to change her cell number because OW was stalking her. She was calling several times a day and hanging up. Ofcourse she blocked her number but my friend knew it had to be her. I inadvertantly gave her some bad advice and learned that here. I told her she could e-mail and call me anytime to vent but not to tell a lot of people because they may end up hating her H. I thought it would be hard if they stuck together. She did tell the people that matter and followed MB all on her own. I keep in contact with her and they are doing much better. I am worried that he will do this again but I can't tell her that. I am still trying to figure out how to help her in the future so I am still learning. I knew about the one a year ago and this one. I also knew their relationship started out as an A on his live in girlfriend. She had no clue and when she found out she moved cross country to get away from him. He ended his relationship with his GF and followed her. (This was before we knew them)We found out about these things slowly over the years we have known them. Then after the poop hit the fan she told me back in 2004 he almost had another affair. DH and I remember them telling us but they both made it out to be no big deal. He told her he was hanging out drinking at this couples house and when the H went to bed the wife took her clothes off and hit on him. I think this is what she is talking about and they didn't tell us the whole story. At the time both DH and I thought the story didn't make sense but didn't say anything. When she squashed the affair before this one she saw he was in a EA. She asked DH to take him out and talk. After the talk DH thought he had gotten through to him... wrong! DH was shocked.The next day she tells DH he is planning a buisness trip to the state OW was living (old GF) and he was going to see her. She told him not to expect that he would be welcomed back. He canceled the trip. I really never thought he would have a PA although all the signs were there. I thought he was too in love with her to risk it all. Boy was I wrong!

Believer, I don't know what will happen now. I think he was attached because I was at home taking care of business. Now that there is no business to take care of, OP will have to meet that need I guess. I didn't have much of an opportunity to fulfill any other need but that.

I don't know where he is going or what he will do now. I suspect that he will move in with her. Since he still travels, I probably won't see him. Hopefully he will keep in touch with DD. I sure feel like its hopeless at this point.

Suamico, I guess I didn't realize that you didn't have your own sitch. That is a good thing though. You can now affair-proof your marriage since you are learning about all of this stuff.

Well, I'm getting ready to go home. Not sure what I will find when I get there. Heck, he may have taken everything for all I know. I hope that he honored my list and left most of the things that I want, but there isn't anything that I can't replace I guess. Here goes.....

Holding my breath with you, CL....what did you (or did you NOT) find?

Ace

Well, I as I started to come home my DD called crying because this is all so sad for her. She said WH cried because I wasn't here. WFT?? I don't get it. For three weeks now, he has been hostile, told the realtor he wasn't coming to help, has not been cooperative etc. Now I'm the bad guy because I've decided to Plan B because he keeps lying to me about OP.

Anyway, he left more than I want or can take myself. There is still so much junk. I had a note on the table saying that he would finish cleaning basement this week. I guess he took vacation. Wonder why the change??? He went from being "too busy" to come back to being here the week.

Help me here guys. I want to recover my marriage, but its like he wants me to be the one to do it. I have been the one to make the attempts in the past, only to find 3 more times that he is in contact with OP. Shouldn't he be the one at this point who comes to me? I feel that I have done all that I could, and he has never really made the committment. Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing by staying in my Plan B.

Yes, Plan B is the right thing. He should come to you as a broken man, willing to do ANYTHING to save your marriage and actually DO whatever is required.

Thanks Lady. I just needed a sanity check.

He should come to you as a broken man, willing to do ANYTHING to save your marriage and actually DO whatever is required.

BROKEN, as in "tst".

Well Ace, I don't know if that will happen. Not sure that "broken" is in him. I guess that remains to be seen. I just know that after so many lies and ddays, I can't do another false recovery. I know that I have to leave the bar set very high at this point.

I guess if he really wants the M, he will make the effort.

We'll see what happens this week. I have to get packing tomorrow evening or I'll never make it. I postponed it as long as I can, so my help is coming tomorrow. If he ends up here cleaning the basement, I have to try to be cheerful. It could be tricky....

I'm trying to keep focused on my little condo with thoughts of my pink room.....

SMB didn't think it would happen either. Keep focused on your recovery, your home sale, your condo, your friends helping you pack up.....and your [color:"purple"] pink room![/color] I know that's purple, but [color:"pink"] pink[/color] doesn't show up very well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Hang in there, and keep trudging along. I think it was Mimi who went all the way to selling her home before her hubby turned around.

Many affairs NEED a marriage, for some strange reason. My ex and OW broke up less than 2 weeks after our divorce, after a 3 and a half year long affair.

I'm still optimistic for you. Stay calm and cheerful. If you see him, don't LB.

Believer,

That's an interesting perspective - that some affairs need a marriage. Why do you think that is the case? Maybe because of the secrecy or the feeling of getting away with something?

I have someone helping me pack tonight, so if he shows up for more stuff, I will not LB.

I'm getting all of the paperwork taken care of for the purchace of my condo. Funny thing, I ended up putting the condo in a trust fund which means that WH doesn't have to sign anything. It's like - here's a law, and here's a way around it. Pretty cool....

I forget which expert says that affairs need marriages - Frank Pittman I think.

When the wife isn't around anymore, the OW has to take over. She is used to just having to meet some of the needs, and all of a sudden she is on tap to meet them ALL. Then she starts wanting more in the relationship, and the married man gets more resistant.

I really thought my ex and his OW would last for a long time, because they both gave up so much to be together. Long before the D was final I had pulled away from him (in Plan B), and that was what helped end the affair. Of course, I was done by then.

ChaiLover,

Just popping in to wish you well. It sounds to me like you are handling everything well. I don't honestly think that WS actually imagine that there actions might just lead to the end of their marriage and their first reaction when they finally get it is anger that they couldn't have it all their way.

It just emphasizes how selfish their thinking is at the point where they are. Time will tell in your situation as well.

My FWH was dreadful towards the end of his affair, not because of anything I was or was not doing, because I was blissfully ignorant of what was going on, but because OW was pushing to become the wife.

As I understand, FWH was even more mean and ugly with OW than he was with me. You just can't know what's going on in the "other" life.

Hang in there, you're doing great!

Who

Believer, I can understand why you were done after 3 years. I don't think that too many of us would wait much beyond that. I guess what I don't understand is how the WS can have any feelings left for the BS after separation that lasts that long. Not sure why they would even want to come back at that point.

Who,

Thanks for popping in. I'm doing OK I guess. Started packing tonight, ran across some photos and had a little breakdown. He was not here today, so that was good. I'm at the point that I don't even want to see him because I don't want to hurt anymore.

He's been very hostile. According to DD he made a big deal out of some sporting item that was mine so I gave it to my brother (he doesn't even do the sport). Anyway DD said he went off and said that if I didn't get it back he was reporting it stolen. She said he screamed and cursed etc.


Who, do you have a thread that explains how your WH became a FWH? Was it the fact that OW was pressuring him that caused him to turn around?

ChaiLover -

I never found out any of the details of why the OW and my ex ended the affair. He still calls and leaves me letters wanting to get back together. But he did that even when they were still having the affair. He is a man that can't stand to be alone, but has been for almost a year now. I've continued in Plan B even though we are divorced and haven't spoken to him more than a minute or two in the last year.

I do think that when the wife is safely out of the picture, the OW starts demanding more. As long as the WH is with his wife, the OW doesn't have many expectations - or at least she doesn't express them.

ChaiLover,


Not really. Our story pretty much reads like so many here. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I thought we were doing OK.

Seems that I was clueless that my FWH had been testing the waters, so to speak, to engage in inappropriate behavior for pretty much the duration of our relationship both before and after our marriage.

I think that he may have come close to having an affair even before 2003 and may have even engaged in a one-night-stand or two over the years. I’ll never really be sure one way or the other since he lied so much in the early months following d-day.

His affair was with a former college classmate who lived 3000 miles away and I believe began as a standard EA that evolved into a PA conducted mostly when he traveled on business trips.

I think that in part, he regretted it as soon as it began. Initially, tho I think that the benefits outweighed the drawbacks so he continued. At about month 3, OW started professing love and pressing him to leave me and that woke him up because he had never intended the affair to be anything other than the recreational SF suggested by OW.

OW became increasingly clingy, demanding and difficult and the more he tried to withdraw from the affair, the worse she got. She started flying across the country and “surprising” him at his office, threatening suicide, exposure to me and other nutso things right up to claiming an imaginary pregnancy.

I guess on some level, I must have known what was going on because I started moving toward a life that included him less and less. I was kind and considerate with him and when he was being really nasty, I would simply walk away from him. I guess the combination of the OW being a class a B1tch and me withdrawing scared the crap out of him, because he ended the affair telling the OW he didn’t care what she did.

I found out shortly after. He didn’t miss OW and there was no fog or withdrawal since she had LB’d him for months prior to the end.

We have had a couple of real tenuous situations over the last 4 years because neither of us realized that his dabbling in infidelity was a means he used to deal with tough times. We had to do some serious MC to end up staying together and it hasn’t been easy.

I believe we are doing pretty well right now, but I also think that we both understand that I won’t accept any of his former nonsense ever again. If I even catch him thinking about straying again, I’ll make him a single man.

Sorry this was a bit long.

Who

Believer, Who

Thanks for your feedback. Now WH refuses to help the movers get my furniture out. Seems we have to remove the banister to get a big piece of furniture down and he won't do it. The mover won't do it, so I'm trying to find someone who will help me.

This hostility is all because I'm filing for LSA because he won't end his A.

I'm afraid I'll LB if I see him. He is coming back to clean and get the rest of his things, so I'll stay away.

My only concern is that I'm afraid he will go away and never come back. Can someone advise me on what they think? Should I still stick to Plan B???

Help!!

Can you remove the bannister? Most just have brackets that are screwed into the wall. I would not go see him if you cannot be cheerful and upbeat with no LBs.

Believer,

He told that mover that when he took it off the first time he had to glue it back on, and it would be difficult to get it back off. I'm going to need a carpenter.

Oh, great. I think he is just angry and being difficult. Try to hire a carpenter or handyman I guess.

I wouldn't worry about him just disappearing. Things won't work out in affairland.