Once they have had an affair, there is always the small chance that they will leave. But the chance is much greater that they will return to the marriage. Don't look at the other site, but there are tons of OW who get dumped by the man. It happens constantly - even when they were soulmates and the love of his life.

In an affair, at first they expect NOTHING from the guy. But as the affair goes on longer, and they think they've gotten rid of the wife, things change. THEY become like the wife that the man wants to ditch.

Your husband has always seemed very attached to you. And he is gone so much, do you really think he trusts the OW? I doubt it.

I don't see why you can't leave ONE LAST LETTER for him..moreso for your own closure.

After 35 years, you are so much of his HISTORY..he won't be able to stay away from you...I don't think...

See what happens after a prolonged period of time with her.

Just like Believer said, she will begin to show her TRUE SELF. The FANTASY can't last....

Yep. The statistics indicate that he is more likely to end up with someone else other than HER if not YOU. Their relationship was established on LIES and DECEIT. He definitely cannot TRUST HER and she definitely is NOT TRUSTWORTHY.

I've been with my H for 35 years. I know EXACTLY how you feel...after being with someone your WHOLE ADULT LIFE...and he will learn that he feels the same way, too...can't say what he will do about it..but HE WILL DEFINITELY COME TO MISS YOU...you are so much a part of his IDENTITY...

Thnks Mimi,

I just don't have a good feeling about this. I think there is just too much happening at once. I'm trying to get in touch with Jennifer today.

I plan on at least leaving a copy of 31 Reasons to End an Affair. If I can't get Jennifer, I will go ahead and leave one last letter. I guess I should still not be here this weekend then, right?

So confused....

ChaiLover,


That doesn't mean that they are "happily" married. Look at it this way, they might be making each other miserable.

This coming from someone who never had to plan B, but I'd stay dark since your WH has waffled his way back into your life several times already, only to hurt you even more.

Let him know the condition(s) he must meet before you will even consider any attempt at reconcilliation.



What OW wants and believes might happen isn't reality, it's fantasy. My FWH's OW was also divorced and waiting in anticipation of my FWH leaving me and relocating. It was a desire and dream of hers based on no reality. My FWH never imagined or wanted a life without me in it, he was too naive to even think his actions might result in just that.

It wasn't until he told OW that it didn't matter what happened, he wasn't going to have any contact with her anymore that she finally understood. And you know what, she might have even learned from the experience. She is still single, but recently started an on line newsletter for singles looking for other singes. He also told her that he was going to spend the rest of his life trying to get me back if we divorced.

Your WH is getting a clear picture of life without you, it finally seems real to him ... don't fog it up again.

You can do this, you know it!

((((((ChaiLover))))))

Best,

Who

CL,

While Plan A is what everybody needs to begin with, it seldom brings an affair to an end. That is why Plan B is needed. It is now time for you to withdraw from the drama, allow yourself to heal and wait for him to get to the end of himself and see what he has lost.

It will be as hard for you to have NC with him as it has been for him to have NC with OW. Maybe even harder...

But you need to get away from the pain and disgust and preserve any love you have left for him in case he comes to his senses. He must know before you go completely dark what you will need from him in order for him to come back to you when he is clean and sober (NC with OW or any other OW). You can't up the ante later and can't sell yourself short now in order to give yourself unwarranted hope.

You have done well and now the hard part begins. We're here for you and many are praying for you. Hang in there.

I have been meaning to jump in here for a while now, but didn't really have anything beyond affirming what others have said so I haven't made it a priority. But I did want you to know that I for one am proud of your efforts so far and will be here to help going forward.

Put down the drama and step away. Save yourself for now.

Mark

I can only talk to you as someone who failed to save my marriage. But even though we are divorced, my ex still writes me letters about the things he missed. He ran off with an OW 20 years younger who was beautiful and exciting. But he misses the everyday things in our history - the fact that I kept a nice home for him, always cooked for his friends. He now says that he has never been able to talk so intimately with anyone in his life. And this is the same guy who wouldn't spend 5 minutes with me during the affair.

I think your husband will have similar memories. And I believe that most men will pick the security and comfort of a long term wife over the drama and excitement of an OW.

If you decide to leave a letter, I would just tell him how sorry you are that things worked out the way they did. Try to point out the good things about him and the marriage.

I think you WILL hear from him again, depending on how stubborn he is.

Mark, Who, Believer:

Thanks all for chiming in. He left the letter telling me that he would be here Sat. and signed it Love, WH.

I was just talking to the movers and they are the ones who were here last weekend getting his first load and are coming back Sunday to pick up the rest of his stuff. Anyway, I mentioned that if I didn't get done I may have to be here this weekend. Well, they all looked at each other with shocked faces. One says in a fearful voice "you're going to be here?" I said "why?", we'll they all shut up and wouldn't say anything, so I prodded them and one finally said "The way he talked, he didn't want you here. All I can say is there must be something wrong with him because you seem like a very nice lady. You have been very nice to us."

That hurt like he(). Right about then my DD came in and I had tears in my eyes. She asked what was wrong and when I told her she called her dad and he yelled at her for no reason, telling her he didn't want me here, and that I better get that piece of sporting equipment back or he was pressing charges aginst me.

Just so you all know. The sporting equipment is a handgun. I target shoot, he doesn't, but it is registered in his name. I gave it to my brother thinking that I didn't want it around when movers were here. Just didn't want to take a chance on it getting in the wrong hands. Anyway, he is making such a big deal about it.

So, that is the drama for the day. That pretty much made me decide that I shouldn't be here over the weekend. I don't know how I will get this stuff done though.

If anyone has additional advice based on the new info please let me know. Why he suddenly hates me, I don't know.

Well, here is another update. Now I know that I can't believe everything I hear, but one of the movers saw me crying and asked if I was OK. I said I was, and again he said how nice I seemed to be. I just explained that I'd be OK, this is hard. He made a comment about 35 years blah, blah, blah, like I wanted the D. I said, well, "he found someone else." They all said "No, that's not the way it happened.". OK, so I shut up. Probably shouldn't have said so much, but it hurts that he would talk so bad about me to movers!!!

The movers have been here 8 hours and it is starting to get dark. They are going to have to stop. We are still another 2 hours from completion. The place is a mess.

Since they are coming back Sunday for WH's final load, they are going to have to finish me then. That means that I cannot avoid him this weekend. I need to get the stuff out, and get this place cleaned up before closing next Wednesday. Because of my new job, I can't ask for another day off.

Soooo, please advise. I think Believer says that I should just be pleasant and do no LB's. If I do the letter, I will give it to him last thing out the door Sunday.

What else can I do? This is all ending so wierdly.

I would get the target gun back and give it to him since it seems to be such a sticking point for your husband. You can replace it later with another one for your brother.

Can you stay calm and cheerful? If you are going to LB, whine, blubber and cry, I would not go.

What you are going through, right now, is one of the worst things you will ever go through. This week will be horrible. Please get as much help as possible.

If you need a few more days before you are ready to move out – call your realtor and have her get you the time. You will have to pay a daily rent to stay in the house – but do what you need to do. If the house needs a good cleaning after your stuff is moved out, please call a cleaning service and get some help. Pay the money. You need to keep your sanity.

Let me just tell you that it does not become easier when all of the stuff is finally out of the house, and you are faced with cleaning up. You will be exhausted. Call a cleaning service today and ask them to come out there Monday.

If you need to be in your house this weekend, packing your stuff, then get a message to your WH that says “I understand you do not want me there this weekend. Unfortunately, I still have so much to do, that I simply cannot stay away from the house. I will need to be there both days, finishing. Please understand, this is very hard for me, I pray that if you do see me at the house this weekend, you will tread lightly.” Have the message delivered by someone else.

If you do need to be there this weekend, can you surround yourself with women to help?

Selling the house, and moving out, is not the end of your relationship with your WH. It is the end of this chapter – the house chapter. But there are many more chapters still to come.

He signs a note with “love, WH”
He is angry that you filed for LSA

These are not the actions of a man who is “done” with you. My WxH would never have signed a note that way during his A, and he was not angry when I filed for the D. He was relieved that he was almost free to marry OW. Your WH has not checked out yet. His anger is not a sign that he is going to go away and forget all about you. His anger is a sign that he is scared to death, and does not know what to do. But your Plan B letter told him what to do. Do not cave in too early.

WoF5,

Thanks for your post. Unfortunately, I do have to be here. I went around tonight and collected all of the little things, odds and ends. I filled a room on each floor, plus I still have things in the basement.

DD called and said that WH told her that I better stay out of his way if I'm here, he's going to prosecute me if I don't get the gun back blah, blah, blah. So, looks like she got word to him. She asked him if he was going to shoot me. He got mad and screamed NO, but she told him that he was acting like that is what he wanted to do. That was a scary thought. Funny, he signs LOVE WH, but then turns around and acts like that..

I just have no choice but to be here this weekend. There is still just too much to do. I have to work next week, have two closings that I have to take off for, and have to have my piano moved at the last minute. I just can't let it go until Monday. Besides, if the movers are coming to get more of my things, I need to be here. You're right, this is going to be the worst week of my life - right up there with the week I found out about this damn A.

I am going to try to get a service in to do the cleaning. You are right again - I'm exhausted. So much stuff. I gave stuff away, threw stuff away, but still there is so much stuff!!

I hope that you are right about WH's anger. Don't know what will happen after this weekend though. I've tried to get in contact with Jennifer to see if she recommends one more letter, but I haven't been able to reach her...

Thanks again for all of your help and support.

If you're in a community property state, he can't prosecute you for giving the gun away. Don't worry about that. Heck, I don't know that he could prosecute you for giving it wasy even if you're NOT in a community property state.

We're not in a community property state, but my son couldn't charge his then wife with forgery when she stole business checks that were in his name and my name and forged his signature, putting him in the hole to the tune of $4,000. I did get some of the money back when I threatened to charge her with theft because my name was on the account. I don't really know if I could have, but hey...I got some of the money back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LC,

Oh, I know he can't really do anything. It's just an example of this anger that he has since I filed for the LSA. I've thought about just not giving it to him, but I don't want to LB right now.

Anyway, his anger seems to be getting worse everyday.

THE WS ANGER...part of the script, CHAI...

He's ANGRY because the affair is not making him HIGH anymore..it's become REAL NOW...

In the whole scheme of things, that's a GOOD THING...

That's the whole point of PLAN B, having him suffer the consequences of his actions...

There's no telling what he told the movers...he's a WS...temporarily insane..an alien being...

I wish there was someway that you could avoid him totally...like you've DISAPPEARED..and he can't find you..all he has left of you is that EMPTY HOUSE....

Mimi,

Thanks for pointing that out. I thought the anger was that he really hates me. It makes you wonder what you have done that is so bad.

I've decided that I won't be here Saturday. I can't get anyone else to come over Sat., so it would just be the two of us and I don't want that.

Sunday, the house will be full of movers again, so we won't have to interact. As soon as the last box is loaded, I'm going to get in my car and leave. I'll come back after he closes up and goes for the evening. I still have to stay here until the closing because I don't have anywhere else to go before then.

I have decided to leave one more letter. That will be my last attempt. I'm then going to leave this house, go to my new place and get myself busy painting, arranging furniture etc. Back to Plan B at that point.

If you see anything wrong with this plan for the weekend, please point it out to me. It's the best that I could come up with as I thought about it all night.

Well, I heard from Jennifer this morning. She actually sent me a letter to give to him one last time. I'm going to tell him again that I want to recover, and that my silence is to protect myself etc. The starting conditions are total honesty and *NO* OW.

Then I do really go dark because the house is gone, he has moved and I will have moved. I'll give him my forwarding address in case.

After that, I guess there is nothing more that I can do but wait it out. Either he will come out of the fog or file for a D. I just need to be prepared either way....

Wonderful news that you heard from Jennifer.

The key is to HAVE FAITH..that it will all turn out the way that it's supposed to be..as long as you have done ALL that YOU can do..and you have...HAVE FAITH..in YOURSELF..that's all that matters now...

Focus on each NEW DAY...TRY not to think about the PAST or the FUTURE..get the MOSTEST out of each NEW DAY that GOD gives you...put your WH in HIS HANDS...LET HIM GO....

Hi Chai,


Well, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. You don't get this angry with someone you don't care about.

I think he is covering up many things by expressing his emotions as anger. He just might be hurting, guilt-ridden and scared at what his own future will be like without you in it.

Just maybe.

Who

I came home today and he had been here. I guess he really is trying to avoid me.

I wrote the letter and sent it email because now I'm not sure if he'll be back here or not. Anyway, I did as Jennifer told me and made one more try.

I have this sick feeling that I've done everything the wrong way. I'm feeling hopeless at this point. I know everyone says that because of our history etc. that things won't work out in affairland, but whether they do or not I'm feeling a little sick about all of this.

Is there anyone else out there who had a spouse that moved away with OP only to have them return?

This is not a good day for me.....Can someone please give me something to hold onto???