Thanks Believer. I think I'm just about stressed out over all of this. It feels like I'm losing everything at this point - my M, my house, my business, my DD (who is now mad at me because I won't make up with WH).

I feel like if I let him walk out this time, he'll move to her state and not come back. Plan B is scary because it feels like you are pushing them away.

Help me know the right thing to do.....

Plan B is what usually brings them back - much more often than Plan A. You sent him a Plan B letter, right? He knows he needs to have no contact with skankgirl.

Mine never could get the NC thing through his head. And he STILL blames me for the divorce, telling me that I wouldn't let him come back home. The reason I didn't is because he was still with OW.

But I feel good about my decisions now. I couldn't have lived as happy as I am now, always not knowing if my husband was mine, or up for grabs to whoever would stoop the lowest. I have peace in my life again. His life sucks - too bad.

Thanks Believer. I'm the age that you were when you went through this, and it's scary at this age when retirement is hanging over your head. Yes, I've sent the plan B letter and numerous emails stating that he had to end it for good - either in front of me or by letter. I still don't think he gets it (or doesn't want to).

I need to listen to you. I kind of feel the same way - do I want him back if he can so easily feel entitled and be so cruel to me? Is he always going to be up for grabs?

What has brought you happiness? A job, a new man, what?

Yikes!!!
You have been through the wringer these past few days. I am sorry I didn't get a chance to check on you yesterday - have been busy with work.

I need to go to lunch right now, but I will post more when I get back

Hang in there!!! I KNOW what you are going through, and it will pass. And none of this means that he is never coming back. None of it.

Thanks WoF5. I need encouragement right now. I will look forward to your post. Leaving work to do more packing so will check back later.

What is interesting to me is your WH’s anger at you over the LSA. What exactly was his plan for the future? Doesn’t he realize that his on going A will certainly lead to a D? What else are you supposed to do? Has he ever even mentioned D?

It would appear that he is angry with the world, and himself. Your filing for LSA, and purchasing a condo, are normal expectations. He must have known that this would happen, when he refused to put a permanent stop to the A.

I want to just share a few things to help you through:
1. You are the “wife of his youth”. You share a history with him that will never be erased. Songs will remind him of you. Smells will remind him. When he eats meatloaf – it will not be quite the same as yours. He will see the back of a woman’s head, and for a moment think it is you! And then become disappointed when it is not you. It is these things that will make it impossible for him to just move on, and erase your M.
2. His R with OW will not last. And in fact, it is under attack right now. His anger, and yelling, are actually an expression of fear. All out fear. The realization that this is really happening. You are doing the right thing when you do not respond. I am just sorry that your DD has to put up with her adolescent fathers behavior.
3. He should be doing everything he can to help you with the move. We all agree. But consider for a moment how he must have felt, when he walked into the house and realized the magnitude of what was happening. You are a lot further along in the process than he is, because you are facing it every day. He stays away, and ignores the problem. But when he walked through that door the other day……it must have hit him hard. How does he finally admit that this is mostly his fault? He doesn’t. Instead, he lashes out. He picked out the one little thing he could blame you for – a piece of sporting equipment that he didn’t even use. Do you see how ridiculous that is? He is going to call the cops and report it stolen? It almost makes you laugh – if it weren’t so darn sad. He makes a big scene about that, so he doesn’t have to deal with the hurt that is really going on inside. He is responsible for the break up of his family. The loss of the family home. The separation of stuff that took years to accumulate.
His refusal to remove the banister – I suspect it would just be too hard for him to come into the house and do the job that the “man of the house” should be doing. Think about this for a moment – if he were ready to just move on with his new life – if he felt comfortable with his decision to continue his A – he would have no problem coming into the house and helping with the move. It would be easy. He would be excited about the change. His refusal to help speaks volumes.

I would suggest you just continue to do everything you can to make things easier on yourself. Hire a handyman to help. Perhaps your realtor can recommend somebody. Sometimes they will even wait until the house closes to get paid. Take all the help you can get with the packing.
Call your garbage company and ask them how much it would cost you to get the biggest dumpster possible right in front of your house – and start tossing stuff. Use this time to clean out your old stuff. You will be glad. Throwing things away does not mean “that is it – we can not reconcile” It means “I am starting a newer, simpler life. Hopefully, my H will be part of that new life. If not, I will still have a newer, simpler life!!”

WoF5,

Thanks so much for your words. You always make me feel better.

The hostility is because I filed the LSA. Also, he didn't want to accept the offer on the house, and I basically told him that I would have to force the sale. He was perfectly happy travelling with OW while I stayed behind to take care of his life. He says that I threatened him.

Tonight was very emotional for me. I feel so overwhelmed with trying to pack all of this stuff that I broke down. My realtor called while I was sobbing and she said not to worry. She is going to organize a group to come help me get it done. I'm normally a strong person, but this is bringing me down. I just never expected to have to do all of this alone.

Maybe you are right about the anger. I think that he actually expected to be able to keep his job, keep lying, and keep me here taking care of things. I guess I ruined his arrangement that seemed to be working so well.

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm going to keep trucking along here. Only one more week to go. My movers come Thursday, but I'll still have odds and ends to pack. I just plan on staying here, sleeping on an air mattress until I can get done. New owners take possession the same day as both closings. Maybe when all of this is done and I'm in the new place I will be able to move on.

His movers are coming back this weekend to move the rest of his things, so I think that I will remain dark and not be here. I'm so emotionally fragile right now that I feel I need to protect myself. I'm trying to get scheduled with Jennifer just to run all of this by her and to make sure sticking with my Plan B is the right move.

And all of those things that you said about him being reminded of me...well, it goes both ways. I will always be reminded of him too. That's why this hurts so badly.

Hi RIF,

Just saw your post from the other day. Sorry I missed it. Thanks for looking in on me. Just trying to get through the next week. I know you look after the night shift around here, but I'm headed to bed so see you all tomorrow.

Good night CL!!! Hope you get some rest tonight...

Semper Fi,

RIF

For me, just having it OVER made me happy. I was just thinking today that my ex's affair started 5 years ago. I didn't find out until July 2003, but I knew something was wrong. The whole thing was so awful that everyday I feel GREAT.

My life has completely changed from what I expected. We raised 8 kids together, and mainly my life was working and taking care of the kids. Now they are all on there own, and my husband is gone. So it was a big shock, but I LOVE my life now. You'll get there too.

Here is what Mimi (happily recovered) said. She got all the way to the point of selling their home.

I'm sorry I don't know C Lover's Full Story but I would recommend for her NOT to break PLAN B. I regret any time that I did that 'cause I think that set me back in the Recovery process.

On the day that I sold our house, my H called me and said: "What about us?". I proceeded with trying to find a house of MY OWN and he found the house that we now live in...literally almost begging me to RECONCILE...he took the sale of the house (which he tried to prevent) as well as my work with a realtor to mean that I was moving on..he NEVER came and got HIS STUFF..left a full closet of clothes...which I moved to this house with me..before Recovery...LONG STORY..but I'm a firm believer in NOT BREAKING PLAN B...

Believer,
Thanks so much for asking Mimi. Mimi if you are there, thanks!!
OK, WH was here today. When I came home there was another note that said he would be back Sat. to clean basement and that he wanted a copy of LSA. Signed LOVE WH

I left some pictures scattered about and I noticed that he took several of me and of both of us.

At this point, I have no idea where he is moving, and he knows that I am moving to a condo but doesn't know yet that I bought it.

My movers are coming tomorrow, his are coming Sunday to finish his stuff.

HELP - Does everyone agree that I should remain dark?? I don't know why, but I feel like this is my last chance. I'm afraid that if I let go he won't ever come back. Maybe I'm just scared, I don't know. Selling the house all seems so final. Over the last couple of months, I've sent two emails stating that even though I filed the LSA, I still want to recover. He never answered them.

Please advise me guys. Don't know what to do...

Ack!!! Do NOT contact him!!!
Read back through you first post on this thread:


You have your answer right there. you have been in and out of plan B. Sister, that is not even plan B. That is just plan P for pout. "I am going to pout and ignore you until you throw me some small little bone, and then I will cave in"
Tell us how you went into plan B.
Was there an actual letter? If so, what did it say?

I am sure that he is caving at this point. I am sure he was very emotional when he stopped by the house. Those are good signs. but do you want to live the rest of your life going in and out of plan B? Or would you like to finally get on track with your M?

I would suggest an urgent, emergency appointment with Jennifer.

just wanted to add -
this is not your last chance. You have many, many years of History with this man! that does not just go away.
Selling the house is final about one thing - the sale of the house. and as Jennifer pointed out - that may be a good thing. You may be able to take the financial pressure off your marriage. A fresh start on a new marriage.

Chai - the old M is gone. Finished. thank goodness! Becuase the 2 of you were living seperate lives. You have a chance at a new M with romance, and fun, and time spent together. Do not settle for anything less. You want to have a partner to enjoy your retirement with. Settle for nothing less.

Sorry. I have not been keeping up with your story but by all means..STAY DARK!!!

You've communicated enough through your E-Mails.

(((Chai))))

I agree, stay dark. It does seem like the last chance, but you are the wife, you have a daughter with him, and a history. Somehow he will find his way back to you.

Believer, WoF5, Mimi:

Thanks all. I will stay dark.

WoF5, yes I did have a Plan B letter the first time. Took it right from SAA, however WH looked at it as a threat, a dear john letter or something like that he said.

After that is when I first contacted Jennifer. She advised me to write a letter proposing how we could build a new life etc. He responded positively, however never did the NC letter and continued to be dishonest.

I've been trying to get an emergency appt with Jennifer, but she is booked. I asked for 10 minutes, so hopefully she can squeeze me in.

I have to be out of here and have it cleaned in one week, so staying dark means that I will have to leave here both Saturday and Sunday while he's here. This will put me behind in getting the house emptied and cleaned.

It feels like this is the end and that there should be some sort of closure. I keep questioning myself, so please keep posting and helping me through this. I know that I've done just about all that I could, but it still doesn't feel like enough.

I have to move ahead with the LSA to protect myself. I guess if he comes back with D I won't have a choice.

I'm scared.....

Will post tomorrow....

I just realized why I'm so scared. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking of a boss that I had 13 years ago. He left his wife of 25+ years (2 grown kids) for another woman with 5 grown kids, and they moved away together to another state. I heard that they were still married and had retired somwhere up North. That was one of those 10% that make it I guess....

I think it is more like 3%. At least that is the percentage quoted on the other woman site. I think everyone knows someone that married the OW and rode off into the sunset. But most of us know another bunch of people who made it through an affair.

I hope you can talk to Jennifer. But when you think of it, your husband is not going to just disappear because you didn't show up when you were moving. And if he DID, would you have wanted to stay married to him?

After surviving infidelity, I guess I feel that there are worse things than a walk-away husband. One of them would be living the rest of my life with someone who could leave so easily.

If you can't get Jennifer, call the radio show tomorrow.

Thanks Believer. I'm so glad you were here tonight. I think what scares me is that OW is single and waiting in another state. He has basically already lived with her and had somewhat of a second life there. And yes, I ask myself everyday why I still want to save this marriage. Why I want to be married to someone who could discard me so easily. I guess because of the history. 35 years is a lot to give up.

Maybe I'll call the radio show.....

I hope that I can get to where you are someday.....