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Hi Ace,
I just posted to Believer's T-Day thread. Hope you had a wonderful day.
Furniture came and I have such a big mess. Still about 50 boxes to unpack. What a chore. I just don't know where to go with all of the stuff.
A little depression set in yesterday. WH has been telling DD that he is not with OW, yet he turned off his phone yesterday and wouldn't answer her calls. This is usually what he does when with OW.
Atty sent him the LSA docs and he keeps telling DD that I filed for D. He is still very hostile about all of this.
Is it normal to start second guessing yourself in Plan B? I keep thinking that maybe I made too many rash decisions. Maybe I should have given it more time, etc. Maybe I shouldn't have bought the condo because it looks like I don't want to recover? I don't know. It all seems so final now. He still blames me for all of this.
Anyway, I have no choice but to keep moving forward. When I think about going back to the way it was with WH (the continued secrecy, lying etc) I know that I don't want to go there again, so I'm better now I guess.
Hopefully I'll feel better when everything is unpacked and put away....
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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I knew the brick wall was coming, and it finally hit hard this weekend. I thought the ADs were doing their job, but this weekend was tough. I've realized that I'm now alone and after 3 months in Plan B, I'm starting to lose hope. Jennifer says to wait a year. I just didn't think that he would really give up 34 years, but I was wrong.
Well, I don't want to whine and have another pity party. At least they aren't coming as often as they once did.
I've been busy unpacking and learning to do things on my own. Fixed a leak, but had to call someone to switch out the dryer cord and hang a pot rack. I'm working on hanging some pictures and putting on a new toilet seat. I'm going to keep doing what I can....
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Hang in there. The holidays are tough. But your husband will most likely reappear. Mine is driving me crazy. He is hounding me to go out with him.
Continue making a good life for YOU. Chances are still excellent that he will want to be with you again.
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Believer,
That is really something about your XH! I was just thinking about something that Jennifer said to me, and wanted to share it with you. She cautioned me because I was vulnerable right now, and she said that I should hold out because "the ALL come with baggage."
I know that you said you had a new man in your life and that you were done with your XH, but you also said in one of your posts that you thought the feelings could come back in time. I guess there is no guarantee that a new person wouldn't cheat on us. Maybe your XH now realizes what he lost and would be so happy to have you back that he would treat you like a Queen. I don't know... Just thinking out loud I guess.
Maybe if mine returns someday, I'll feel like you do - that too much has been done.
My uncle had an A, and he and my aunt D'd for 5 years then remarried. They seemed very happy. She died first and he was totally lost. He died not long after that.
Would just like to hear your thoughts, and also how you are responding to your XH. I always learn so much from you....
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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I want to respond to your most recent post by referring to your first post on this thread. When you feel like you should have waited longer, or you didn’t’ do enough tos ave your M, it is good to look back in your journal – or your posts – to see how far you have actually come. I hope this doesn’t sound like a 2 X 4 – I just want to try to give you some perspective. “Dday was last December when the assignment came to an end. He said that he loved me, it was over, and that he wanted to stay together. I didn’t know about MB then, but I did a Plan A. Actually for the next 5 months I thought we were doing great, only to discover (in May) that the A never ended. They still had been finding a way to meet while he travelled. He called her in front of me that time and left a voice message that he was with me and working on the marriage. I found MB shortly after that.” So, first of all, you worry that you should have given it more time. D-day was 1 year ago. How much time do you think a wife should give her H to continue sleeping with another woman? How much time would you advise your best friend, or your sister, or you daughter? ”It’s been a roller coaster since then. I worked with Jennifer and she guided me through somewhat. So for the last 4 months I have been in and out of Plan B. Each time he said that he wanted to work on the marriage and promised to write a NC letter but didn’t. I’d find evidence of more contact, then go to Plan B again.” You say that you realize you are alone now. In reality, you have been alone for this past year. Your WH was “with” you for a few months, but he was also “with” someone else. You have been alone most of this year all ready. ”Throughout all of this, he has not really been remorseful or sensitive to my pain, thinks MB books are crap, and thinks the sessions with Jennifer are a hoax, and will not quit the traveling job, so he is very seldom home. Since Dday we have spent probably less than 45 days together. “ See what I mean? If you had stayed in that house, instead of moving to your condo, you would still be alone. ”About 5 weeks ago, I discovered that he lied again and was in her city. I blew up, told him that I was filing for LS and that I didn’t want to see him again. I know, big LB, but after being at this 9 months I was just tired.” You did NOTHING wrong here. Nothing. You finally took control of your life. If there was anything I would question – it is the way you blew up and told him you were filing. The actual filing was necessary, and inevitable. Perhaps you could have told him in a calm, clear manner that you were filing. But, so what? This is one small thing. He lived with another woman for 6 months – and you didn’t even know it! It is understandable that you blew up!! Anyone would have! “I tried communicating through the RE agent, but that wasn’t working. He said that he was never coming back, that he will send a mover to pick up and store his stuff, I can take what I want, and he has nothing else to say to me. He said that I threatened him (with LSA and forced sale of the house) and that he doesn’t put up with that.” Ok, re-reading this line makes me furious at him all over again. He doesn’t put up with that? Huh???? The man was LIVING with another woman for 6 months! And he continued to see her even after he claimed that he was going to “work on the M”. Let me put this in perspective for you. He lied, and kept his other life a secret. What you did was: announce your intentions, ahead of time. You said to him “WH, I will be filing LSA” and you did it. Then you announced that you would need to lower the price on the house, to sell it. The house you were living in, alone. The one that you were caring for, alone. You needed to get it sold, and told him what your intentions were, and then followed through. You did nothing wrong here. I will ask the question again – What did he expect you to do? Stay there forever, waiting? He gets to go out with skanky OW, pretending to be married one day, single the next? And you just have to stay home and tolerate it? Has he always been this abusive to you? ”I know that I haven’t done a good job of following MB plans very well , and I know that I haven’t stuck to my boundaries well either. and yet, you were ready to break plan B when you were moving out – you wanted to have yet another “one last conversation” with him. When are you going to finally commit to a plan? He mentions that he loves you? Bull Sh1t walks in this case. He says one thing – but shows something else. He is manipulating you in a big way. Sister – if this is love, I don’t want any part of it. He loves you, but he continues to come and go as he pleases, with not regard to your feelings? I have been here alone for the last 3 years taking care of the house, my business, administrative stuff etc. You are not suddenly alone, you have been alone for a long time. I have a few other things to address, but I need to go to lunch first. Hang in there my friend. You are doing just fine.
Married 18 years D Day June 25, 2003 Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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WoF5,
Thanks for getting me back on track. In my head I know that you are right, but my heart keeps telling me otherwise. I guess as a BS, we always think there is something different, more, better, whatever, that we could have done.
Yes, if I had stayed in the house, I would still be there in the middle of the woods alone with a house that was basically starting to fall down around me. I know that I wouldn't go back to that situation for anything at this point.
As for the blow up, I wish I had handled it differently because that is all he remembers. He's told our DD and realtor about it many times. That's the power of LB's I guess. One LB wipes the slate clean.
And just to set the record straight - he lived with her at least 9 months, possibly the entire year, without my knowledge. Whenever I think about this, I know that you are absolutely right in everything that you say.
I'm glad I found the condo. It's fairly new, bright, airy and clean. It was a good choice, because it's a place that I don't mind coming home to at night. And when I look outside, I see other windows with lights inside, other cars, and other people. I don't feel isolated at all. I feel safe too.
Thanks again for your post. I'm looking forward to whatever else it was that you had to say. You force me to keep this thing in perspective.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Hi Chai, WofF5 wrote: I have a few other things to address, but I need to go to lunch first. Then you said: I'm looking forward to whatever else it was that you had to say. Now I say: Me, too.....I amd looking forward to WofF's input, too. Ace
FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr. 4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Ace,
Yes, WoF5 definitely has a way of saying things that make me think. I'm glad that she is here contributing to us.
WoF5 - hope you chime back in soon because we love to hear what you have to say. I think you should change your name to WiseWomanoffaith. What do you think Ace??
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Sorry that it has taken me a while to get back on. Very busy at work. There is something I have noticed in my own situation, and many others here, that I want to share with you – if I can find a way to say this. I believe that recovery cannot (or should not) start until you have finally reached a certain level of growth in you personal, spiritual, and emotional life. For me – and I believe most people here – in the very beginning I would have done ANYTHING to win my WH back. I wanted to fix everything that he said was wrong with me. No matter what was best for me, or the kids. As I started to gain a little bit of my self respect back, I realized that we could never have a good M based on me giving into his every wish, and putting myself aside. The only way to truly build a good, strong M was for each of us to grow to a point where we were BOTH willing to do what it takes. To give of ourselves – to put in 100% of our efforts. I remember reading that recovery was going to be very difficult and I couldn’t imagine why. After all, you hope and pray for a chance at recovery, so certainly when the time came, you would be happy all the time. I now have a much better understanding. The thing about recovery, is that you are no longer working hard to just “win them over” they are back. And many times the WS gives off an air of “I am here, but could leave again, so you better treat me right” . Meanwhile, on your side of the coin, they are back – but they fall right into a lot of the old, bad habits. Anything that used to irritate you before – will come back quickly. Only now it is worse. Because now, you have the flash backs of mean, hurtful things he said to you – and about you. You remember that moment when he finally confessed that there was “someone else I have been seeing”. The memory hits you like ton of bricks, and you wonder if you can really live with this man again. You can forgive your WH for everything that has happened, and truly feel like you have forgiven him, but not be able to forget the harsh words he spoke. This chapter in your life, is about your own personal growth. Learning as much as you possibly can about relationships, about yourself. Building hobbies, and friendships with other women. Learning to cook better, clean better, eat better. Building yourself up as much as you possibly can, because the day will come when he will want to “try again”. And he will not be strong, or wise. You will have to pick up the slack for him, for awhile. So you need to build your strength, to get you through, until he finally grows up to your level. One of the classic stories here is that of Lostva. If I remember right – her WH was gone about a year. She said that later, looking back, she realized that if he had come back any sooner, it would have been too soon. She wanted him home right away – but she needed to grow more first, before they could really build a good, strong M. I think that is true for most people here. As for the blow up, I wish I had handled it differently because that is all he remembers. He's told our DD and realtor about it many times. That's the power of LB's I guess. One LB wipes the slate clean. Nope. One LB does not wipe the slate clean. You will LB him again someday – and he will LB you as well. In every M there will be LB’s. You limit them as much as possible, but they never completely go away. The M relationship allows for the occasional LB. In sickness, in health, etc. You cannot go through the rest of your life constantly fearful that you may say one wrong thing that will completely destroy your R. I think that deep down inside you all ready know that. So, why does he keep bringing this up? Because he needs to find a good reason to blame you, and this is all he can come up with. He can’t tell people that he is a jerk, and dumped his wife for another woman. He has to find something to pin all the blame on. All WS’s do this. They scrutinize your every action to finally find that Aha! moment that they can pin their blame on. For your WH, this is it. He lived with OW for at least 9 months – and lied to you about it. That is a HUGE LB! If anything had the power to wipe your slate clean, that was it. But that is not enough to destroy 30 years of M for you. However, there is only so long that you can allow him to continue to be married to you, and living like a single man. Your LS is the normal, expected course of action. Everyone knows that – including him. So you finally exploded one day, and yelled at him? Frankly, it was long over due. Let him regurgitate that line as many times as possible. Do not respond to it. And eventually, even he will see how ridiculous that is.
Married 18 years D Day June 25, 2003 Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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WoF5,
I read your response last night, and I really had to think about what you were saying. I agree that both parties need to be in a position to do whatever it takes. My M is proof of that. WH didn't have that attitude, but I did.
I also understand what you are saying about growing spiritually, personally, and emotionally. I guess what I'm having a hard time with is the fact that you say we need to do that first before we try to recover. The thing that I'm struggling with right now is how this no contact thing is a good thing.
I understand the concept of it, but for me it's been almost 3 months now (except for the brief contact when we moved), and I'm getting to the point where I'm settling in and getting used to being on my own. I almost forget what he looks like. If WH is experiencing the same thing, how can we ever establish a M again? Will I even want to? Will he? I'm just beginning to question the complete separation thing.
Still, I understand what you are saying about being the best that we can be and being stronger if they do return.
Have to run for now, but will post more later.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Remember that plan B is not just a plan to bring back your WH – it is also a plan to salvage your remaining love for him.
One of the biggest reasons I ended up divorced was because I had no love left for my WH at all. I never went to plan B. If he called, I took his call. And afterwards I will start to thin: he is out with OW right now. Or, even if he wasn’t out with her – the bottom line was that he was not with me. He could have been – I told him many times that I wanted my H home. That we could have a better M, if only he would come home and commit.
Another thing plan B does, is it gives your WH a true picture of what life would be like after a D. Your WH especially needs to see this. He is not facing reality at all. He gets mad at you for filing LS, but that is where your M is headed! He cannot continue to disrespect you, and your M, and stay married to you. Please, do not allow your DD to see this whole scene, and think that she would ever need to tolerate such horrible behavior. This is my one regret – my WH did not get to see what life would be like after a D. he thought that once he was single again, he would be free to date other people, do whatever he pleased, and I would be his friend still. But the truth is – you would not be friends with your ex. You may try to be friends, saying that it is best for the kids and all, but after awhile you get sick of watching the mess they make of their lives, and what a waste it was for them to throw your M away. Also, IF you do get a D, someday, you will date. I know you don’t believe me – but you will. And a new man in yore life does not want your ex hanging around as yoru “friend”. Finally, why would you be friends with someone who lies to you, destroys your self esteem, and has not regard to your well being? That is not a friend.
The thing I will ask you: If you were not in Plan B, what would you be doing? And how would he be responding? You have all ready told him, many times, that you still want to recover. You have sent emails. I think you have even sent letters. Chai – you have told him all ready. He knows.
You gave him a Plan B letter. He knows what he has to do to recover. The more you tell him that you want him to come home, the more you come across as needy. That is not an attractive trait. That is not how you “won him” in the first place. When you first dated, if you had said “Please marry me, I need you, I will do whatever you want” do you think that would have been attractive?
If you had been in a healthy R with him these past few months, having good conversations, and doing things together, you would not likely be in plan B right now. But it seems to me that you were putting out all the effort, and he was letting you do it. Is that the life you want? You have been doing that for about a year now, and nothing was changing. So why would you continue in plan A, or whatever the old plan was, doing the same old thing, and getting the same old results?
Plan B works, because no one can ever completely forget their spouse. You were married for 30 plus years. You think he is just forgetting all about you? Especially this time of year! You have 30 years worth of traditions – the way you decorate the house, the foods you eat, the gifts you buy. These are memories that pop into his mind at odd times of the day.
I think that when you say you are starting to forget about him, what is really happening is that you are not feeling the every day drama, and the every day life with him. You don’t know what he eats for breakfast anymore, or who he hangs out with. You don’t know who he is right now. That is a very disturbing thing. After all, he is your H. You should know what his daily activities are.
But he CHOSE to exclude you from his everyday life. He CHOSE to live with another woman for almost a year – and you were clueless about that.
So you are forgetting parts of him – and your daily life does not involve him. But that does not mean you have forgotten him – and he has not forgotten you.
The thing is, plan B is effective. It is. It is not a guarantee that you will stay married to this man. But at least you are doing something. You were not doing anything before. Just waiting around for him to throw you a bone. Is that really what you want for your life? Why not commit yourself to this plan, and let it play out.
Married 18 years D Day June 25, 2003 Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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WoF5,
OK, I think you hit the nail on the head for me. I now know what is bothering me, and it’s just as you said – I don’t know him anymore. Don’t know what he does on a daily basis, don’t know what he eats, etc. And yes, that is disturbing after almost 35 years. Even when he worked out of state, we talked every day. So I think that’s what is bothering me so much.
And no, I’m not going to break my Plan B. When I think about going back to the way it was, I get a sick feeling. I don’t want that.
I guess what I’m afraid of is that I might be losing my love for him. Some days, I just don’t feel anything, which is what I meant when I said that I almost forget what he looks like. It’s weird. Suddenly, I’m totally alone, transported to a new part of town, in a new home, in a new job with new people around me. Almost like I’ve been beamed into another life. Things might be different if I were still in the other house doing what I’ve done every day for the past couple of years. I’d still be alone though, huh?
My DD did say the other day that she doesn’t know why I let him treat me like that, and I should take him for everything he’s got. Of course, she was mad at him when she said it, but it was an interesting comment.
So, Plan B is where I’ll stay. I recognize that any further pleading would be unattractive and I won’t do it. I also recognize that there wasn’t anything else that I could do besides look the other way, and that wasn’t an option. Jennifer says 1 year, so that’s what I will do. Three months down, 9 to go.
Thanks for the input. Holidays will be tough, but I have many friends who are helping me through this. I may even take a little vacation over the holidays just to rest and have some fun.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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WOF is right. The most important part of Plan B is protecting your love for your husband. I waited way too long for Plan B, and my love and respect is gone. And the sad thing is I have no interest at all in working on it.
Hang in there.
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Yep, still hanging in here. I'm starting to see improvement. Almost 3 weeks now and no tears or breakdowns, so that's good.
Been shopping for a few pieces of furniture that I need, and bought some fabric to make a duvet cover. Stopped at Fresh Market and got some "designer" green beans and cranberry relish last night, so I cooked for the first time in ages. I even set the table with fun dishes and flowers.
I don't even ask DD about WH anymore. I don't want to know. It's almost like hearing about a stranger.
At this point, I think it would be very awkward to be back together. Did anyone else feel that way at the start of a recovery after a long separation?? Would like to know how you felt when your WS came back after a long, silent Plan B.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Chai, I just dropped by and had to compliment you on this - Been shopping for a few pieces of furniture that I need, and bought some fabric to make a duvet cover. Stopped at Fresh Market and got some "designer" green beans and cranberry relish last night, so I cooked for the first time in ages. I even set the table with fun dishes and flowers. Perfect! It felt good, didn't it?! Keep it about you and you will continue to garner more strength - - Strength you may not have known you have! As you know, i can't speak to any recovery stuff. Still hoping for that myself someday, but not sitting back missing out on my life in the meantime. Same goes for you! Good job!
BS (me) ExWS -Drac DD 9 DSS 15 D Day 11/06 Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Yes, good job. I mourned for a long time, and just kind of dragged through the motions of life. But then decided to make a nice life for myself. That includes nice table settings for my meals, fresh flowers, candles, and a warm and welcoming home.
Someone else will have to advise you on what happens when the Plan B'd husband returns. I was over mine and moved on by the time he woke up.
He was still bothering me, and I requested to be left in peace over the holidays. So far he is complying.
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Bugs, Believer,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am having fun "playing house" in my new place. No tears since the last day in the old house (when WH told me he didn't want to be married). Wow, that was my bottom that day.
I'm just afraid that when all of the boxes are unpacked, all the painting and decorating is done, and the holidays are fast approaching, I'll hit the brick wall. I hope not.
As for the end of Plan B, well, I'm not holding much hope. According to DD he is still spewing venom, and says he is never coming back here. He doesn't communicate with her much anymore.
I realize that I'll be OK though. I never wanted to be single at this age, but I probably would have outlived him anyway and been single at some point.
Believer, I know you have been away for a few days, but if you get a chance look a few posts back on my thread. I had a few questions for you.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173 |
Chai - how are you doing? You haven't posted in awhile which makes me worry.
Married 18 years D Day June 25, 2003 Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390 |
Hi WoF5,
Thanks for checking on me. I'm doing OK. I've been somewhat busy at work, so haven't had a lot of time to post.
Not much to report. WH has still not responded to LSA. Been 3 weeks now. Not sure if he is getting an atty to fight or just ignoring. He keeps telling our DD that I filed for D. Keeps telling her he did nothing wrong. I guess continued lying in his book is nothing wrong.
Anyway, he called my realtor last week to pass on a message to me regarding DD who seems to be in some trouble. He wanted me to go get her dog and keep it because he can't since he travels. Well, I have a job in which I now travel too but he just expects that I'll take care of it. Obviously his job is more important?
I didn't have an intermediary specified in my Plan B letter way back in July since I really didn't know anyone who was comfortable doing it. He called my realtor because I now live down the street from her, but I don't think she wants to be the intermediary.
At this point, I'm moving ahead as though things will not recover. I think if he wanted to be M, he would have realized it by now. Its been over 4 months since in Plan B. I think due to his job, he just settled into the other life with OW and that is now his new life. I can only move ahead in my new life too.
So, no other news to report except still working on unpacking and getting things in order in the new place. Had my alarm system installed today, and also my new plantation shutters. It's looking pretty good. Best of all, it's a place that I love coming home to. I feel comfortable here, which I knew would be what I needed.
I have a friend coming in next weekend. We've been friends for 30 years, so it will be good to spend time with her. We met when our H's were in the military together and we all lived in Europe. We had a lot of fun back then, so we always talk about old times. We were a lot younger then with big dreams. She's still M, although about 20 years ago she was a BS and I sat and listened while she cried. She did the same for me this last year.
So, I'm hanging in there and plugging along. What choice do I have??? Ws's don't exactly give you many options.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
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Joined: Jan 2007
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Hi Chai, You seem to be making great choices. Self recovery is going to benefit you whether your WH wakes up from his fog in time or not. (He may wake up, but it might be too late!) I don't mean to seem trite, but Recovery has its drawbacks, too. My DH succumbed to that alien again last week and nearly gave up. (Details on my Smiles & Trials 2 thread.) My calmness during the 72 hours before we could see our MC, due mostly to my own efforts at self recovery, was really impressive to him. He was doing well before, but is even doing better now. And so am I, but it is not easy. Keep it up, Chai....things will get better. AND...contrary to what you stated on the "Thank You Vets" thread, you DO have something to contribute....it will become more evident as you progress in your self-recovery. Don't discount it when it evolves. Believer is one of the best examples of successful self-recovery on these forums. Ace
FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr. 4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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