And THERE YOU GO..there's YOUR HOPE..

My H didn't even say this..when I did YOUR THING (yea, been there done that, trying to help you profit from my experience) my H said and I'll never forget: "FACE IT, IT'S OVER"..he is so "IN LOVE" with me again NOW and would DENY that he ever said it....



You have got to change your mindset!! YOU DID NOT BLOW ONE THING!! He BLEW IT!! He is the one who is THE LOSER now..HE DID THIS!! You will begin to HOLD YOUR HEAD UP and feel TRIUMPHANT over the fact that you have done everything possible to SAVE YOURSELF and YOUR MARRIAGE..and you will now move on..and WAIT..until he comes back begging to YOU...

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP, CHAI..STICK OUT YOUR CHEST..

Today you did what you felt that YOU HAD TO DO..you did your very best..

You offered him DIAMONDS..he has settled for GLASS...

You offered him a FEAST..he settled for CRUMBS...

Your WH was HURTING today INSIDE and, of course, he couldn't admit to himself what he was doing to HIMSELF and YOU..

Try to FORGET every WORD that he said. What THEY say is FULL OF CRAP, MEANINGLESS...All JUSTIFICATION, RATIONALIZATION, CRAZINESS.....makes NO LOGICAL SENSE...



I know, Hon...I will PRAY for you..It's AWFUL..but you will make it through and BE VICTORIOUS..one way or the other.. I guarantee you...because I BELIEVE that EVIL never WINS OUT...oh, I sooo feel your pain and have been RIGHT THERE...



I think you'll feel soooo much better OUT OF THAT HOUSE. Plan to START ANEW..A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME..for sure...

Thanks Mimi,

I know that I do need to change my mindset. When I walked back inside that house with my friend, this wierd feeling came over me like I had made a huge mistake. I couldn't get my breath. It was too strange. And I had to get out of there. The thought of going back makes me ill. I think about all of the weeks I sat there alone waiting for him to come home.

Anyway, yes, I feel that I did all that I could. I could just never get him engaged in really working on our M.

So, if you don't think I blew it, maybe I can retain a little bit of hope and move forward with my life. I've sent the letter, and had a conversation so he knows where I stand. I realized today that there is nothing else that I can do but wait.

Thanks for being there for me. All of you and my friend who graciously offered her home to me have probably saved me tonight.

I think you did just fine. And good on you for getting the help from your friend! A new home WILL be better. I got divorced and still become sad at times because of all the memories of sitting home alone, night after night, waiting for my husband to come home.

Now there will be lots of pressure on the affair, and it won't be able to stand up to it. I'm hopeful.

Plan B is not just a plan that will bring him back. It is also a plan to save you from losing your love for him. I know it is hard to imagine right now, but if you keep talking to him, you will lose every shread of love you have for him.
When you keep subjecting yourself to his angry outbursts, it puts memories into your mind that you replay over and over again until you start to hate him.
He is nuts. Crazy. Wacko. Get that into your mind right now. Your H is nuts right now. Maybe he is talking to OW every day, maybe not. it doesn't matter. Right now - he is nuts. You packed and cleaned the whole house - he packed the basement, and he wants your sympathy??? He is nuts. He has been living with another woman - sleeping with her, sharing things with her that should only be shared with you. He is nuts. He is demanding that you give him a gun that is not even rightfully his, and if you don't do it he will call the cops on you. Nuts.

His current bad behavior will pass. It will. And it would be best for you to quit watching it.

a thought I had - perhaps you could focus on recovering from your depression, on your own. I know you are hurting right now - depression is an awful thing!!!! You did a great thing this weekened by calling a friend and staying with her. That is a positive way to deal with your depression. I would also suggest reading more books, listening to music that makes you feel better, joining a support group, going to church. Whatever helps you.

My fear is this - right now, you think that the only way to get rid of your depression, is by getting your H back. You are putting to much of your emotioanl well being into his care. He will need plenty of help from you some day. So please, get yourself better first. now. Independent from him. stop waiting for him to finally say the words that will make you all better. make yourself all better (or mostly better!) now, so that later on you can take care of him.

Believer, WoF5,

I know that you are both right. Yes, I was so depressed. I think that everything was happening too quickly. The house sold, and two weeks later it's empty, he's gone, and I have a condo.

I know he is crazy right now. The conversation yesterday was so typical of the WS script that I read so much about here. I saw that so clearly in about 10 minutes.

I still have the piano and one load of stuff left, but decided that I can't go back. Another friend is going back to let the piano movers in and to get my last load. And to think that I had planned to stay there until Thursday. YIKES. I remember the echo as I was leaving. Getting out of there was about the smartest decision I've made in months. I'm feeling so much better today.

I'm looking forward to getting into my new place Thursday. I think that it will be good for me to start painting, cleaning, and decorating.

Yes, working on the new place will be good for you. After my ex left, I went on a cleaning/organizing/decorating frenzy, and it was very good for my self-esteem. I also did some volunteering, started my own business, went out with friends, exercised, etc. It really changed my outlook so that I knew I would have a good life, with or without my husband.

I had one more session with Jennifer last night. She said I have to have no contact because she fears that his outbursts are going to LB me. She said I should wait for up to one year. Gee, after one year I can't imagine how things could be recovered, but that what she said.

So, I'll embark on my journey and see what happens.

I would follow Believer's example. I LOVE HEARING ABOUT HER LIFE!! You'll feel much better in your NEW PLACE!! It's the FENG SHUI!!..away from all that NEGATIVE ENERGY and/or EVIL SPIRITS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, the house closing was this morning and WH hates me so much because of this that he refused to show up at the closing. Gave POA to RE Agent, but would not give it to me. After 20 years in the house I came away with a check for almost nothing. And he blames me for it all.

I guess he really expected me to stay in that big secluded house alone while the damn thing fell down around me. What was I to do? I was so tired of being isolated and living alone in the woods.

Anyway, I have the D/P (barely) for my small condo, so I guess that is a good thing. I'll close on that tomorrow.
I'm going to concentrate on my life alone now because I doubt that he'll be back. Sunday he said that too much has happened.

So, I'm now in Plan Chai. Looking forward for support from some of you out there who are moving ahead alone....

(((((Chai)))))

I know it doesn't look this way right now, but you'll be OK. He is delustional right now ... believing his own Bull sh1t, but he won't be able to keep that up for ever.

Just remember that we are here for you in any case.

Who

I'm going to concentrate on my life alone now because I doubt that he'll be back. Sunday he said that too much has happened.

So, I'm now in Plan Chai. Looking forward for support from some of you out there who are moving ahead alone....

All right sister, enough of the doom and gloom talk, Ok?

Please listen to this one statement that I have made over and over. His A will not last. The time will come when he has regrets, and he misses the memories that he built with you. You need to try to react from that point of view. Instead of reacting from the point of view that he is mad at you, too much has happened, and he is never coming back. Instead, remember that you are in a position of wisdom, and you know how these things usually play out.

Here is the thing – you need to decide if you even want him to come back. Do you want to build a romantic, loving M with this man? After all, the 2 of you were basically living separate lives. Why was that ok with you? I really think you need do some deep soul searching and journal writing on this. Because you need to approach reconciliation from the stand point of “Yes, I want to be married to him, and this is why. This is my goal, and I am in it for the long haul”

Make sure that you truly want him as a man, as a H. Not just because you are afraid of change.

And once you decide that you do want him, then you need to finally accept that what we are all telling you is true. That A’s have a short life span. That men eventually miss the wife of their youth – the W they had a mature relationship with, the mother of their children. That all means something to a man. You know the statistics, you have read enough here. This is going to take time.

He said that too much has happened? So what?! They ALL say that. “Too much has happened, I was going to come back but now you have done too much damage, that is it, the final straw”
Sister – that is why you are supposed to be hiding yourself in plan B. Safe from his blabbering. You don’t want to hear his crap any more. Because you play those tapes over and over in your mind until they sound like truth. And I will refer to SexyMamaBear for just a moment – she reached a point where she believed what her H was saying, and found herself caught up in an EA. I know you don’t think that can happen to you, but please listen to the rest of us who tell you that you are way more vulnerable right now then you even realize, and if you keep going on and on about how he is mad at you, he is never coming back, etc, you will find yourself responding to the first man who says “that dress sure looks good on you”.Just about the time you convince yourself that he really isn’t coming back, that is when you will decide that you are free to move one. And then your single neighbor from across the hall smiles at you……

You are in plan Chai – that is a great thing. Not because you are “moving on alone”. You need to be in plan Chai to be the best Chai you can possibly be. For yourself, as a woman. And then, someday, you will be the best Chai you can be for a H. This one – or another. Honey, this is the only time in your life that you can totally focus on yourself, and your healing. Right now you can do things for yourself, whatever you want, whenever you want. There is no one to complain when you spend $25 on a pedicure, or stay up late reading a book.

And finally, I truly believe that you are way off on this statement:
WH hates me so much because of this that he refused to show up at the closing.

This, is a disrespectful judgment of your H. he did not show up at the closing, and gave his POA to the realtor. I do not think that is because he hates you so much. I think that is because he is in such pain, feels such guilt, that he cannot possibly sit next to you and watch you go through this. I am sure that he told the realtor that he is just to ticked off to show up there. After all, he is a man, he has some pride. He cannot tell her that he feels like such scum for putting you through this. He KNOWS that he could have stopped this at any moment – you have reminded him many times.
But he didn’t stop it – and now he is faced with the reality of his bad choices.

Try to look at your WH through a different set of glasses for a while. Instead of assuming that everything he does is out of his hate for you – try to see his pain, his fear, and his embarrassment as well.

Egg Zak Lee...

On ALL points...

Mark

WoF5 and Mark,

Man-o-man you guys sure are tough on a girl. You wacked me a good one. I deserve it though. I've had too many pity parties this week for sure. WoF5, you are so full of wisdom that you scare me sometimes. How do you know all of these things??? Your words always make me feel better.

Yes, we did lead seperate lives and it was not OK. It was a means of support, but I sure learned a hard lesson from that - it's he!! on a marriage. I see so many couples who have "weekend" marriages and wonder how they manage to stay together.

And maybe you're right - I need to determine if I really want him back. Don't know. Right now he seems like a stranger to me. That mean person who yelled at me this weekend was definitely not the H I was married to before. I guess it was the W factor rearing it's ugly head.

Am I vulnerable? Everyone keeps telling me so, but honestly, I can't even imagine being with anyone else. I'll keep it in mind though and avoid putting myself in any situation where it could happen.

So, off to Plan Chailand I go starting tomorrow when I take the keys to my new place. It will be a land of beautiful paint colors, silk fabrics, fine china, crystal, scented candles, manicures, facials, fresh flowers, chick flicks, spa cuisine, and sparkling wines. Oh, and some shopping too.

And I will remind myself that the A will end and that I need to be the best that I can be when that happens - whether I want him back or not.

How's that for an attitude adjustment? Now, if I can just keep it tomorrow.

Believer would be proud....

OH MY GOODESS!! You are a GODDESS!!! Are you gonna be jammin' some tunes in your car????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am proud of you.

I used to think I wasn't vulnerable too. I was done with men and didn't even want to talk to one ever again. But I went to a charity benefit with my gf at the yacht club and ran into a male friend, had a couple of drinks, and jumped in the sack with him.

And the pathetic part is what started it all out. Before dinner, he said "We're going to get you something to eat. You're too thin." It melted my heart and opened my legs. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe it. So just realize that you ARE very vulnerable. After months and months of this stuff, you will be susceptible to the first jerk who smiles at you.

Good job on treating yourself well with the house preparations.

Hi Chai,

Sorry I've been awol....been on vacation.....still am, actually, but my DH wants me to post in the mornings when he's still sleeping. I didn't even lurk on MB for a few days and the results weren't pretty. (Wrote a poem about it...maybe you saw it.)

You're getting such great advice that all I can do is encourage you to follow through. And thanks for being so open to changing, willing to post your pain and pushing ahead to take care of you....regardless what your WH does.

We've chatted about our similar detached marriages over the past few months. I agree, deciding IF you want him back is the biggest issue right now (after taking care of you, of course).....but I can honestly say that I did NOT want my H back in the same form that he was in when he left ~~~> to have an A. I let him know I wanted the 'new and improved' version or NONE at all. I was better off by myself.

He says that my independence made me worth him changing. Who woulda thunk it? He's been making the effort quite successfully for a year now. But like Mimi says, that's just a drop in the bucket compared to the years that recovery actually takes. It's been a bumpy ride but worth it so far.

I like your Plan Chai, too. But....do us a favor....if you ever slip just a little bit and some guy knocks you off your feet....please crawl to your PC and share it with us ASAP so we can wrap the chastity belt around you before it's too late. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Last year, 6 hours after D-day #4, my WH and I were sitting on a plane in separated middle seats (same row). The guy sitting next to me struck up a conversation and we talked the entire 3 hour flight. WH was quite clingy when we got to the terminal, but I sure did appreciate the attention and admiration without realizing how vulnerable I was.

Keep focusing on your vision, Chai and keep going no matter what obstacles pop up in your way.

Ace

Chai,

You go girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Try to enjoy some solitude and watch out for smarmy dudes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Who

Now this is what I'm talking about!!!
Good for you

I am a big fan of spas, and aromatherapy.

I am trying to turn my bathroom into a Spa type room, but struggling to figure out where to start.

Please share your own ideas here.

I put plants and candles ALL around my tub. It's GREAT lighted all up at nignt..like CHRISTMAS...

Thanks to all of you for the encouragement. Ace, good to see you back from vacation. We missed you!

I closed on the condo yesterday and got my keys. I don't have internet access there yet, and won't until the weekend so I couldn't post.

The carpet was in a little worse shape than I thought, but otherwise looks pretty good. It's bright, airy, and open. And there are people around!!! Just being out of that secluded, dark house where I've spent the last few years alone was a big lift to my spirits.

So, a friend is coming to help me paint a couple of rooms this weekend. She's single and has been trying to convince me that I'll be fine.

I have to admit, getting the whole walk-in closet and all of the bathroom vanity drawers to myself was mighty nice.....
And...

I'm on the lookout for lurking, smarmy dudes.... YUK!