Count me in! But if we take photos for the MB Photo thread, I gotta wear a bag over my head! (Same when/if we go to BK's BBQ in Ozzieland in 2010).

Ace

Hi Chai,

...just finished reading your thread.

Just wanted you to know.... you are getting great advice and you are doing great...keep doing what you are doing....

...I am just here to confirm what 'I know for sure'..... PLAN B is preserving my sanity....removing me from WH's drama...and forcing me to focus on....ME!

Keep up the good work!

Thanks Luna,

Wow, you've been in Plan B for over 2 years??? Any chance of recovery?

Yep - y'all come to sunny California. It is COLD here now - 45F last night and only 67 now.

I spent the morning walking on the beach and reflecting on my recovery.

Then home to do some last minute cleaning. Feels good to be ready for the holidays.

Hi Chai,


I have no idea...based on his actions....WH is still a...WH.... and we are taking the D route at this moment... mostly to protect myself financially, and so be less vulnerable to consequences of his decisions.

...when, and if ever, he wakes up and complies with PBL (PLAN B letter)....whose main condition, as you know, is to end A....AND H resurfaces wanting to recovery M, it will depend on where I am at, then.

For me, that's too many ifs and buts to waste energy on now.....until it is warranted.

One of the consequences of an A, for me, was to learn that you never really know when life will take a turn, nor where it will lead you.

...so...I have learned not to invest too much energy on planning for nor thinking about too much about the future... I try to focus more on the present, appreciating what I have, enjoying my friends' company, etc. etc. and most of all, watching my two beautiful boys....grow.

Try it. You will see that it is a much much more enjoyable way to live... it's what I call the 'upside' to experiencing being a BS.

Those that were around when I was a newbie BS, me being the first to admit it, will attest to my being a TOTAL basketcase, believe me!

It looks to me that you are already quite far ahead of the game in personal recovery. Don't worry about the WS... his life....his choices...up to him to live with the consequences....chosen or otherwise!

Oh....I know.....I do have something to suggest to you.... one of the biggest challenges ahead of you will be how to deal with the numerous triggers, on a daily basis, with which you will be faced with, especially with 35 years of M behind you.

An article that I found very interesting and helpful, I will see if I can find it (or maybe someone here has it bookmarked) was one on how memory works: like a filing cabinet, it will open a folder of 'memories', facts only, and your job will be to learn to close it quickly enough (like within a minute by focusing on something else), so as not to allow the 'emotional' memory to 'come up'....and in so doing minimize the emotional pain of the 'loss' that accompanies it. I know I know... it's mind games... but you gotta do what you gotta do to get better....n'est-ce pas? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Take care.

Great post, Luna -

Some of the most damaging stuff to me was the length of time all of this went on. I spent WWWWAAAYYYYY too much time focusing on my WH.

But I finally was able to accept that I might have to continue on my own. That was the turning point for the changes I've made in my life.

And if you'd known me before, you wouldn't recognize how different my life is now. It wasn't something I'd ever planned for, I thought we'd be together forever. But I can say that I'm happier than I've ever been.

I think most people give up too soon. The statistics say they will come back. I really never expected the affair to end, but it did. Like they all do.

Hi B,


It was also MY biggest challenge at first B....as I suspect it is for most BSs going into PLAN B, from being in withdrawal from N/C with WS...as it might be for you, too, Chai at times....that's where the need to 'trick' the mind to refocus on something ELSE comes in... it does the 'trick' over time...LOL!

...these days...I hardly think of WH except when receiving or communicating info. re boys... which is as 'minimal' as you can get if children are involved....

You will be OK, Chai.... just hang in there... you will get to the 'other side'!

I know it sounds a bit ridiculous to suggest that you consider what total strangers tell you....but... I believe people know when they hear the 'truth'.... and we are just echoing what deep down you already know....

...just like you have been able to deal with all your other challenges in your life..... you will do so also in dealing with this one....just see it as a 'slightly' bigger challenge than the others... but trust yourself that you will be able to get passed it....

...but what you want to do, is do it with as little damage as possible to your self-respect and dignity.... in order to be able to continue to look at yourself in the mirror each morning (well, maybe not every morning)...and be proud of yourself... be proud of your efforts in doing the best you can with what you know.... never forgetting that we are humans... and that we make mistakes and fall...... but need to dust ourselves off, and learn from them!

...and this means....as hard as it might be.....choosing to not be in a relationship with a WS...unless and until WS chooses to be honest and respectful and willing to invest and do whatever it takes to build a healthy intimate relationship with BS....Amen!

Luna

I had this almost EXACT same thought upon waking this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> God is good to give us the confirmation we need. Thank you for confirming that truth for me, Chai and others.

Smartie

Your welcome.

Hey Luna,

I know that you are right in what you're saying, and I know that I'll come through. It's funny what happens to a person in this situation. I'm a very independent female. I always thought that if this happened to me, I would boot WH out on his ear, then run over him with the car. Would NEVER allow a man to do that to me. HA!! Does your viewpoint ever change when it does happen to you.

Boy, does being left for someone else crush your self esteem or what? And I don't even know what OW looks like.

And yes, you never know what change your life has in store for you. One year ago today we were talking about retirement, moving to a smaller house, travelling more etc. Two days later was my DDay (yes, Christmas Day) and here I am one year later in a condo living alone. One year ago today I would have never imagined it.

I am keeping busy though. A friend who came to town the day after I bought the condo came back again today and couldn't believe it. When she first came, she came to help me paint and clean before my furniture arrived, so the place was totally empty except for 2 lawn chairs. When she came back today she was stunned at how the place looks. She says it looks like something out of House and Garden. I have to admit that it does. I have been so busy painting and decorating. Great therapy. And I love coming home at night.

Anyway, thanks for your post. I'm adding you to my role model list!! You and Smartie are now on it too along with Believer, Bugs, WofF5, and Sis.

Chai,



I could have written this same post to the letter!! I always thought I'd run him down with the car, too! And, I have never seen the Ho,,,,,or any of the OW. Kind of glad I haven't to be honest!

Sounds like you are doing really well. Using your energy on positive improvements in yourself and your environment! Fantastic!

I'd love to have a picture perfect decorated home,,,,not quite there yet. I intend to work on that room by room next year - and of course, am starting with DD's room first and then am going to do some things to help make DSS's room more 'his' than the guest room look it has right now. I think it's important for them to know that this is their HOME, no matter what. (Drac told DD the other day that HIS house is her home, not this one. What a jacka$$)

Sorry for the mini rant there,,,, I just wanted to stop in and say you are doing really well.

Have a Very Merry Christmas!

Hey Bugs,

Keep working on those rooms one at a time. I was able to accomplish so much because I don't have any little ones to look after - just the dog. So...I have too much time on my hands at night and I try to keep going until I drop.

So you have not seen OW either, huh? For a short time I was obsessed with knowing what she looked like, but my friend told me to let it go. She said "If she's beautiful you'll feel bad, and if she's ugly you'll feel just as bad."
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Guess she's right. Does it really matter anyway?

Drac and my WH would make good friends. They seem to be a lot alike. WH recently told my DD that he didn't do anything wrong. Go figure.

Have a good holiday.....

Uhhh...I'd advise against driving over with the car...

BTDT. Didn't work out so well for me.

Merry Christmas, Chai!

(Back at 'cha from my thread)

Well, I threw my own pity party last night, so it's not as if I missed out on the "festivities."

Sounds like a wonderful meal!! For you AND the dog. I just enjoy NOT cooking for a change when the kids are gone, so wine, cheese, and crackers are right up my alley.

Maybe you should take a nice bubble bath, watch a movie. Just get yourself through the next 24 hours. If you cry, you cry. Might as well let it out. Make yourself a nice comfy spot, get the kleenex box, and let 'er rip.

It's not as if you can stop feeling the pain (you are human, after all), but you just don't have to wallow in it. Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, lonely, whatever...and give yourself a deadline. I find a good night's sleep is very therapeutic. Maybe take a Benadryl so you sleep really soundly.

For some reason I think you'll do fine.

Oh, so did you try to run over her with the car???? Wow.

I'd have to drive 10 hours to get to where she is. I'm not the violent type, but now my DD...that's a different story. She would knock her silly in a moment's notice. She has threatened to go find her. In fact, she has asked me many times for OP's number, but I won't give it to her just because I'm afraid of what she will do. I know it would be real trouble. Goin to jail over it would not phase my Dd at all.

Eeek. Might phase her more than she'd think.

Anyway, not quite. It happened all in the course of about 60 seconds. I discovered WH at her house, all the lights off. Keep in mind we live in the same neighborhood. Evidently they weren't interested in visitors at the time. Or at least not the screaming hysterical kind.

Ten hours would be a blessing, believe me. Nothing like an OW who lives three minutes away and drives a silver Dodge Caravan...because THAT'S a rare vehicle here in Michigan...I NEVER see more than--oh--25 of them a day.

So where's DD today/tomorrow? Are your visits with your mom pleasant (I know sometimes that environment can be difficult).

Sorry you are so alone.

Any friends whose Christmas you can crash?

I figure I have no pride anymore, so I always ask to be invited places. I do offer to bring wine....

Sis
Looks like we were posting at the same time before. Keeping up with the activity tonight is hard!! I didn't think there would be too many on here.

I may have been capable of the same thing if I were in your situation. Heck, you got a double whammy - your H and your friend. And then to have your face rubbed in it every day with her down the street. Not sure how you survived that.

I will see my DD tomorrow. She has an addiciton issue, and this situation is not helping at all. She is almost 26 now, and really needs to get her life straightened out.

Yes, nursing home visits are very difficult. So much so, that I sometimes find myself avoiding it. I do have a brother, but he just got M again (#3) and will be with his new W's family. Other than that, just cousins that I'm not really close to anymore.

I will have a good cry later and get it over with I guess. We do need to let it all out sometimes.

I just want tomorrow to be over so that I can go back to work on Wed. Being at work takes my mind off the entire deal. The hard thing this year too is that Christmas Day last year was my DDay.

Merry Christmas, CL

It gets a little easier all the time. There are ups and downs, to be sure, but you will get better at filling your time, protecting yourself from Wayward behavior, and caring for yourself. When you get too distraught, schedule a session with Jennifer to re-evaluate.

I hope tomorrow goes well with your daughter!

(((CL)))

Thanks SD. I talked with Jennifer about a month ago and she told me to give it a year. She sent me another letter to WH that I could use when I feel that I needed to, but at this point he didn't answer my previous two, so I see no need to keep at it. That would be almost to the point of begging. Maybe I'll use it if he peeks throught the fog, but at this point he makes it very plain to DD that he never wants to talk to me again.

And yes, it does get a little easier every day. I'm beginning to understand that I can't make anything happen. The frustration of trying to do so nearly drove me to consider the crack pipe myself. I'm used to making things happen, but this stopped me in my tracks. But, decorating a condo is so much safer and healthier! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stay safe. Enjoy that CA sunshine. It's a place I've always wanted to live if I had money. I love it out there.

Hey Chai:

You doing OK tonight?

I have not followed your story...can you give me the quick rundown?? I see that your WH has filed for D?

Thanks,

LoBoy