Oh Believer, I just hope that I can get to the place where you are someday. The holidays really screwed me up. And damn, I was doing so well too. I go from grief, to hating him, to being happy alone, to not wanting him back, to indifference, to grief, and on and on.

The truth is that I don't know if I can ever get over this no matter how it turns out. I think the finality of it hit me today. I don't think my WH will recover the M even if the A ends. I think he feels that too much has happened, and maybe it has. I don't know. I do know that in order for me to even begin to get over it, I would need him to express true remorse. And like you, I would want to be treated like a queen. I've read many stories of recovery here where the FWS never expresses any regret or remorse, and I know for me that wouldn't work.

Darn, I don't want to be a 53 year old single woman. Maybe I'll be OK when I get back to work on Wednesday. I won't have as much time to think about it.....

Have a Happy New Year Believer. Doing anything special New Year's Eve??

Chai,

I'm thinking about you tonight and hoping you are doing better. I have a feeling, though no experience on this at all yet, that one day this part of our journey will end and we will be healed. And when it's done, because we walked through this with grace and dignity and strength, G-d will bless us with something that we can't even begin to imagine today.

Look at Mimi, look at the blessings going on in her life. We don't know the OUTCOME, we just have to walk through what G-d gives us each day and know that he is working something awesome out in US.

Here's leap, so vets correct me if I am wrong. WH DON'T THINK and they CERTAINLY DON'T FEEL. They may not come out of this, that's true, but who they are is probably not what we would want. The OW don't have the best of our H. We are the only ones who HAD that.

They are monsters, selfish, selfcentered, self-seeking and insane. We don't know what they are going to do, because G-d is busy working something out in them.

Remember, vets, correct me if I am wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Chai,

Oh sweetie! I could have very easily written your last post! You are not alone in any of those feelings!

Skins is right in that we don't know what they are going to do, which is why recovery for us needs to stay focused on US. If we can make changes, improvements and learning in ourselves, we will know if/when the time comes IF/HOW we want to possibly recover with our WS or without them.

Hard? YEP.

Can we do it? No doubt about it!!


{{{Chai}}}

Hi Chai,

It does get better...just hang in there... keep doing what you are doing...

Skins, Bugs, Luna:

Thanks so much for your support. And Bugs, as I've said before, you, Believer and WofF5 have been my role models. You've all proven that if it gets to a D, we won't wither and die. We'll keep moving forward.

I had my solitary NYE dinner planned, but just got an offer to go out so I think I'll bag the Sea Bass and go out. A friend wasn't doing anything and suggested we go get some type of ethnic food. She's been D'd 40 years - happily D'd as she says. At least I don't have to worry about that because I won't live that long.

Maybe I'll see some of you around here later tonight....

Have fun, I'll be here. I don't want to go out and be with people. I would rather be here with all of you on here.

See you later,

I want to give you a pat on the back for this:


This is the sort of thing you should be doing! This woman has been single for 40 years now - and it sounds like she has a happy life. But I can imagine that she has also had some pretty lonely times. Perhaps last NYE she was home with the sea bass. right now you have the time, and the opportunity, to spend time with her, and other women like her. It helps them - and it helps you.

One of the 1st people to reach out to me was an older woman from church. I always saw her as grouchy, and a little too "holy" for me. I didn't think we had ANYTHING in common.
She and her H were married 50plus years, until he died of a heart attack - in church!

But after my Ex left, she was the frist person to call me at home and offer her help. She sent me cards, she prayed for me. She reached out in a way that none of my M friends was able to. My M friends helped as mush as they could, but they were busy taking care fo their H's and kids, so they were generally only availbe during the week days. Evenings and weekends I was on my own.

And when this lady reached out to me I realized that there were a whole lot of other single women at church who would be available for a cup of coffe on a Saturday night, a movie on a Friday night, that sort of thing. some of these women were my age - some were 30 years older. But I found out that they all had great personalities! And they were available to talk whenever I needed it.

Sometimes you will look at a woman sitting alone in church and assume that:
1. her H has died
2. She never married

But when you start talking to these women, they start opening up, and you find out that some of them have been where you are!

You are in a unique position right now to do some things you never did before. Take advantage of every opportuntiy that you can. You will not be "single" forever. You may decide to take your WH back some day. or you may find a new man.(after a D of of course) Either way, I would predict that by next NYE you will not be available to have dinner with a single friend. So spend time with them all now, while you can.

WOF5,

That is so true and beautiful. You NEVER know what pain someone else may be in or what love they have to offer you.

Thank you for reminding us of that.

Happy New Year

one other thing I have learned - I buy presents for my women friends. Little things. Nail polish, smelly lotions, that sort of thing. Single women married women. We all like to feel special. And when someone gives you a little gift - even a cheep little trinket - it makes you feel good. I didn't recognize that before, but I know it now. When you start looking for little ways to make someone fell special, your joy will over flow.

right now there are a lot of girly things on clearance. Stalk up now so you can spend the rest of this year blessing all your women friends.

Oh what a great idea!!!

Oh, yeah, I went and looked. Lots and lots of girly stuff. In fact, I bought myself some. I LOVE taking baths with bubblebath and candles and wine. Lots at Walmart for $3.00.

Where did you go and find the stuff? Dollar stores or regular ones in general?

WofF5,

As always, you have said something special. And that IS a great idea. I'm one who loves little things. As Believer said, bath oils/salts, candles, etc. I can go into a store such as Bath & Body, VS, Sephora, or even Pottery Barn and Restoratioin Hardware and come out with a bunch of little things. In fact, I spent $80 at PB today. I bought Lavender Bath Salts, Shower Gel, and Hand Soap. I love Lavender....

I do know quite a few single women, and most of them are busy. For now, I'm trying to learn to be alone. I'm finding comfort in my new place, and I'm having fun decorating it. I have to be careful not to become a hermit though. I've always been somewhat of a homebody, so it could happen if I let it.


Skins, you out there tonight?

I am...

Are you ok?

bump for Chai

How are you fellow Killer B? We miss you!!

Smartie

Hi Smartie,

Doing pretty good I guess. WH called my realtor to relay a message to me about a bill. I didn't have an intermediary because I couldn't find someone who was comfortable with it, but he uses the realtor. She clearly does not like it, so I told her to tell him not to call. Anyway, she told him to call me directly and he said "I don't want to talk to her." Since I'm in Plan B, I wouldn't answer anyway, but he's still very hostile about the sale of the house. Funny how they don't see that everything that has happened has happened because of their A.

My DD tells me that the A is over because OP has another BF. I'm still sticking to my Plan B though. I've realized that in order to recover, I would need him to come back showing some remorse and a willingness to do anything. Without that, I don't think I could get over this.

Anyway, hope things are going good with the AA suit. If you win, what will happen? Will the OP have to pay you? Wouldn't that be great if she has to pay you for him! Will you offer a warranty or return policy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Chai,

Glad you are still around. It sounds like you are doing OK. I have a question ... is your WH a pouter? I ask because he sounds like he is angry and miserable and is really just stubbornly holding on to blaming you for his current lot in life. And he sounds like he is pouting and stewing.

My guess is he knows how to take the first step to make things better, but doing so would involve admitting he was be WRONG, and he just isn't ready for that big step yet.

Who

Hi Who. Good to hear from you.

Well, he does tend to pout a little, and doesn't like to be wrong, so maybe you're right about that. As I look back, I pulled the rug out from under the whole thing, and it happened so quickly. I think life was good with him travelling, having OW, and me at home taking care of everything. Within the course of 3 weeks, the house was gone, I moved, and he now has everything in storage and no permanent address. He's just really hostile about it, and feels that it's all my fault.

I'm doing well though. I've gained back a few lbs that I lost on the famous "Infidelity Diet" so I look and feel better. I was down to about 104 lbs and I looked like death. I've never looked so bad in my life. My hair and skin were yukky too. The emotional piece really takes it's toll. I guess Plan B really does work because I now am way beyond that.


Anyway Who, I'm trying to get to DC soon, so I'll let you know. I'm trying to get a day or two off work so that I can drive down. I want to shop and fill up my car with stuff. Can't do that if I fly.

Hey Chai

Good to hear from you. You sound like you are doing well. I am so happy for you. And I know what you mean about gaining a few pounds back from the infidelity diet--been doing some of that myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I agree with you, it is actually a good thing--people were starting to think I was ill! Still, I am resolved to keep the weight gain under control because I look and feel better than I have in years.

Nothing much going on in Plan B--the wheels of justice turn slowly. Right now, WH and OW have filed extensions to answer the A of A lawsuits. That gives them until the spring. Then the court has to set a court date, then there's mediation, you get the drift.

LOL!! Isn't it funny that OW may have to pay me for screwing aroung with my WH? NO warranty at all -- if she keeps him she gets him AS IS!!

So in honor of taking care of me I am starting a yoga class this Saturday. I bought a mat and mat bag today. I already feel new age-y and serene. OHHMM.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Well it's back to schoolwork for me. Hang in there--I'll check in later.

Smartie

"I've realized that in order to recover, I would need him to come back showing some remorse and a willingness to do anything."

He may not be that way right at first. Mostly they aren't. So if he makes some moves toward reconciliation, don't raise the bar too high at first.