I hear you, CL. Don't think I don't. It's so much easier to give advice to someone else than it is to apply it for yourself.

Cool on the Sirius. I have NPR on most of the time, but sometimes they're doing news I can't stay focused on.

You didn't tell us what you're doing for yourself tonight.

I do listen to NPR sometimes too. I LOVE Car Talk. They crack me up.

Tonight? I'm getting ready for American Idol. I usually don't watch too much TV, but decided that I would tonight. I need a mindless break.

Car Talk. Great example. You can download the show as a podcast and listen to it whenever you want. That's one I download, but my favorite is 'Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me' the NPR news quiz. It's the kind of snarky, sarcastic, high-brow humor that really appeals to me.

That and the Unger Report. That guy is a riot.

And sometimes the News From Lake Woebegone from Prairie Home Companion.

All free. Tons of other stuff, too.

I'm a new convert to this stuff, in case you hadn't noticed.

Being in the technology field for umpteen years, you would think that I'd be doing all of this stuff, but I've just seen so many things come and go that I don't get too hyped up about it anymore. Guess I'm gonna have to get on the podcast bandwagon now. I've had friends talk about the Unger Report but have never heard it.

I guess I need an iPod now, huh? Or an iPhone? or both? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Only if you want to take the podcasts with you. If all you want to do is listen to the Unger Report, download ITunes to your computer and then go to the store. The podcast is free.

Hey Chai.....

How's it going?

Ace

Hi Ace,

Thanks for stopping by.

Well, let's see. DD25's pregnancy threw me for a loop. She's high risk because of the chemical dependencies that she has. Her whole situation continues to deteriorate. Anyone who has expreience with this will know what I'm talking about. It's ugly. No, it's UGLY.

Had to send WH an email yesterday regarding all of this. Jennifer told me that if I need to contact him regarding stuff like this, just to title it "Things you need to know" then state facts, and put "No need to respond" at the end. So, that is what I did. I told him about her, that he needs to send me tax info etc. I know he won't respond anyway.

So, other than that I don't have much to report. Plan B is going into it's 6th month now. As far as I'm concerned, it has been good for me, but as far as having any effect on WH - no. He just doesn't seem to get the whole idea of the Plan B letter etc. Maybe it's just the fog, I don't know.

Hope all is well with you Acey. I've had a hard time getting on here much as of late.

Hi Chai,

Sorry about your DD's situation. Becoming a Grandmother is such a great experience under the right circumstances. Unfortunately, this is not the case here.

I just feel bad that you are dealing with a new tragedy. zSome days you must feel like Job.

(((((((Chai))))))

Who

Chai, I am sorry to hear of your DD25's struggles. My DS23 is in his fourth month in rehab since September. Every time he tries to come home he falls apart, and we only got him back in because he wrapped his car around a pole and totalled it on a rainy night. We are going to make him go in to sober living rather than come home again.
It is so hard to watch them be out of control. My DS23 has precious few life skills.

Hi Who,

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, I would love to have a grandchild under different circumstances. This is why I did not make it to DC last weekend. I'm going to try for Presidents Day next month. The shock of all of this should wear off by then.

Chrys,

So you know what I'm talking about. Don't wish this on anyone. She has basically nothing left. No car, no real belongings, no apartment (getting evicted again), no job, and now I have the dog. I took one look at him last week and brought him to my house. I cannot allow her to live with me. The screaming, fighting and general disrespect for me (name calling etc), and no regard for my privacy (helps herself to whatever) is more than I feel that I need to put up with. My new condo is my "safe place" so to speak, and has been the only thing that has allowed me to begin to heal over all of this. Besides that, I will not put it or myself in jeopardy by allowing her to engage in unlawful activities in my home.

After 4 years, I've finally realized that I can spend thousands on rehab, apartments, clothes etc. but unless she is ready there isn't a damn thing I can do for her. I can end up bankrupt and on the street and it won't help. She would just kick me and go off to find someone else to drain. Sad but true.

That whole world is so alien to me because I'm a scrapper. I've worked 18 hours a day doing something since I was 16 and got my first after school job. I even got my Masters when I was working full time and had her as an infant. I guess its the life of the addict - no sense of responsibility for anything.

I will pray for your DS and my DD both and hope that a miracle happens. Have you read The Cross and the Switchblade? Just finished. True story and miracles do happen. Read it if you haven't already.

Chai, Thank you. My DS23 has never held a job for any significant time, has been spotty with college (An OK semester followed by several of nothing...) He completed a great semester last year and was doing amazingly well-- and then fell apart and is really fragile and "ill" now. He is not the angry type, but he will steal car keys in the middle of the night to go out and buy something, so I can't have him at home.
Our plan is to get him into sober living and have him paying his own rent after 3 months, but......
He does reasonably well with the structure of rehab.
I have read the book you mentioned but it has been many years.

Chrys,

Same with mine. Can't keep a job more than 3 - 10 days. She did manage to finish college, but only because she was almost finished before this got so bad. She is very much the angry type, and has difficulty getting along with anyone, and of course EVERYTHING is someone else's fault - not hers. She hasn't really stolen from us in terms of taking things out of the house, but has sold everything she owns and has used our credit cards inappropriately before we quit letting her use them. She would fill her car with gas plus two others, pay for the gas and use the card to get other stuff etc. I believe that things have gotten so bad that she would steal from me now if the opportunity arose.

One question - do you think that this contributed to your WH's A? In a way I do, because both of us were constantly calling him. Me begging him to come home and help with her, and her calling always with nothing but problems. I used to think that I didn't blame him for not coming home. Who wanted to come home to that? I'm a little bitter because looking back, he abandoned me and left me to deal with that and many other issues in our lives while he lived with another woman and told me he was working. I don't know. Sometimes many things run through my mind.

Chai,
I don't think Ds23's problems contributed to my H's As. I do think that our DS13's problems contributed to the first A (DS13 had his first major bipolar episode that year, at age 5-6. It was a nightmare for all. )
And that year is the year DS23 first started to experiment, so I would say if anything, the other tensions in the family (little brother scary sick, dad somehow disconnected) contributed to his lostness.
H never told the truth about this first, brief A. He buried it, emotionally detached more and more. DS23 continued to slide.
The second A started just after my sister died. I do feel that my H emotionally abandoned me during some of the most difficult times of my life. I wonder why it is he couldn't be the H I needed.
And although we are in recovery, this is one weakness he has not openly addressed.
I think a lot of the BS's on these boards have similar stories of the A's happening just when the spouse was most needed.

Hi CL,

I see that you have your hands full... so at least with PLAN B....you don't have a WS to deal with on top of everything else!

...just keep doing what you are doing.... the best of a bad situation...and not lose sight that you need to TAKE CARE of YOURSELF...first and foremost...to get through the hurdles!

I don't have much time, but I did want to stop by and say Hi.
I would like to chat with you and Chrys some more about this when we all have time
My oldset brother is now in his early fifties, and the longest he ever held a job was about 1 1/2 years. Most jobs less than 6 months
at this point - I can not remember the last job he had.
His biggest issue is Meth
He has a long term live in GF who works to pay the bills, but he does nothing. He has 3 kids from his 2nd M, and the GF has 2.
He also had a son from his first M, who is in his twenties now, and I have not seen him since he was 2. When my brother went to jail in San Diego, years ago, wife #1 divorced him, changed her name, and went into hiding with the son.

I can not understand how he has made such a mess of his life
Why can't someone jsut get up in the morning, and go to work, and keep their mouth shut??

Last year he had a stroke (meth related). of course he has no insurance. He was in the hospital about 1 week. They wanted him to go into a rehab (not drug, but something similar to a nursing home for stroke patients) but he refused. he left the hospital against Dr's wishes. Which is just as well, becuase he has no money to pay for the rehab, and will never pay a dime to the hospital.

Still, his attitude to this day is that it is everyones else fault but his.

P.S.
Chai - you are doing the right thing with your DD.
You are right in protecting your home.
I am proud of you - I know how hard it is.

WofF5,

Wow, except for the age, you could have described my daughter. I've asked the same question - why can't you just go to work to pay your bills? And the hospital thing - there at least 2 times per month for something or other. No insurance, no car, getting evicted over and over etc. I have finally realized that there is nothing that I can do except to keep writing checks but it is now putting me in a financial bind.

Would love to talk about this with you sometime. Maybe you can give me some pointers on how to deal with it....

Chai, Wof5,

I'm here. Somehow I missed this yesterday.

I don't know if it is missing wiring or a switch that never gets flipped, but we have the same questions.
DS23 has done a bit better the last couple of weeks, and he has actually had entire good years before, so maybe we are in for a better time for a while.

"I have finally realized that there is nothing that I can do except to keep writing checks but it is now putting me in a financial bind."

My step-kids mom is a drug addict and has been for 25 years. We tried so hard to help her.......... Getting a new apartment each time she got evicted, co-signing for her, buying her a car, putting food on the table.

We're probably out around $100,000 and she is STILL continuing on her merry way.

We did it to try to protect her kids. Finally figured out the only way to protect the kids was to get them away from her.

Believer,

I spent over $80K on my daughter's college education. When I add in totalled cars (9 cars in 8 years - all totalled but one), money for this, that etc., I'm also probably out over $100K. I have an appt. with a therapist next week to learn how to deal with this. In professional terms, I think they call me an "enabler."

Addictions baffle me. I can't imagine being addicted to anything, so I just don't get it.