Hi Chai,



...I had a bit of the same problem as you...working on the ASSUMPTION....that IF I could UNDERSTAND..WHY? and HOW did it HAPPEN? and on and on...then it will be LESS painful...

..but then...for a BS, isn't this a way of AVOIDING to focus on what we need TO DO and what concerns US?

...until I realized that all I was DOING...is WASTE valuable time.... on the PAST and on WS (which we cannot change or control)...and it would not have been so bad...if it were not for the fact that it was taking away ENERGY that I could be investing in the...PRESENT...where I CAN make a difference!

Would you think twice about having a reasonable conversation with a drunk? ....wanting to understand the stupid destructive stuff he could do while drunk? ...and more importantly....would you be a PASSENGER and go for a ride with WS driving? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

....since then...it helps me equate a WS to a drunk...and the A as a way to numb the pain inside of him rather than deal with it....and until, and IF, HE decides to get sober (n/c with OW, etc.) and face issues that were there before the affair (and the added issues BECAUSE of the affair) rather than AVOID them.....

... I try to be more productive with my time....and just be further ahead in case WS decides to REMAIN...drunk!

...CL....when I came on here I was a real BASKETCASE, and that is an UNDERSTATEMENT...

...and like B says...it takes time... you can't rush the 'healing'....if you break a leg....even if you do all the RIGHT things....it still will take a CERTAIN amount of time to heal... and with a WS....the best thing you can do to minimize the damage...is to stay away (PLAN B) and protect yourself as much as you can... because a WS is NOT thinking, period....his TAKER is out of control.... never mind considering the IMPACT/DAMAGE of his actions and decisions on OTHERS! ....and so dangerous for anyone that chooses to be AROUND him...or be a part of his life!

...I say it again..given what's on your plate...a WS....your DD... just keep doing what you are doing... and like me....you will reach a point where putting energy in UNDERSTANDING is just 'not working for you'....then you will move on to something else!

...it is a DAILY struggle....and I OFTEN catch myself...THINKING about the PAST in a non-productive way....but it gets easier.... with TIME!

Hi Luna,

You're right, it IS a daily struggle. Queenie says we just have to do it a day at a time, and she's right. I can't think too far into the future right now. It saddens me - growing old alone etc. so I need to keep my focus off of that stuff.

Today was an interesting day for me. I had a therapy appt. with a therapist who specializes in addictions. She says that I need to let DD go and let her decide to live. She says that I'm not allowing her that choice by enabling the current situation. She asked if things had gotten better over the past months. Ugh, no. Bingo, there was my answer. They have only gotten worse - much worse.

She says DD is dead inside, and I won't let her make the choice to live. She may choose not to live, but I can't make the choice for her. I guess I hadn't thought of it that way before. She says to do it because I love her.

I guess the same thinking can be applied to WH. Let him go too. He needs to decide his own fate as well I guess. I can only be responsible for mine.

Next was meeting with the atty. WH wants me to take part of the debt accumulated giving OP money. I refuse to take even one penny of that debt. While I was struggling to pay our own bills, he was giving money to OP and I drew a line in the sand on that. If he chooses to stay with her, so be it, but I will not allow him to leave me with any of that debt.

So, my atty calls his atty, and as it turns out his atty did not know about OP. His atty said that was not a concern and didn't even need to comment on it. My atty says yes it is a concern when he gave her marital money. Dead silence. Seems WH forgot to tell his atty that minor fact.

WH is also into claiming ignorance on things. Like he didn't know we had a loan on something so he shouldn't be responsible. Claims he didn't know we had an investment fund that I cashed for an emergency last year. We had it 20 years. My atty says it's a good thing that WH has an atty because the atty will be smarter than that.

It seems that WH didn't know he had a spouse at home either. Ignorance is not an excuse. Sorry WH.

So, I didn't want it to get to this but it has. If I'm going to be D'd, then I'm going to be D'd with something to fall back on. Not letting OP run off with my WH AND all of my retirement account.

So that was my day - driving down the D road. Had a little road rage along the way but I'm OK now. Those AD's really do put you in the driver's seat.

I agree with your counselor. Many, many people turn their lives around, and some don't. I've told you about my step-kids mom - she has been an addict for almost 30 years. No matter how we tried to help her, her kids tried to help her, her brother tried to help her, she just marched on in her addiction.

Hi CL,

Looks like you had a rough day....





I think these thoughts will be helpful to you....now... the hard part...figuring out how not to lose SIGHT of them... and, more importantly, how to put them into PRACTICE... and let me tell you, that's going to keep you reeeaall BUSY!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))))))))

Chai

Dropping in to check on you. The fact that you hold it together with DD and WH only proves what an amazing woman you are.


Well said my fellow goddess. AMEN.

(((((Chai)))))

Smartie

Smartie, Luna, Believer, Queenie - you all are so wonderful. Thanks for being there for support. It helps tremendously on days like today where I feel like I'm falling apart.

How can you do so well for weeks, then out of nowhere crash to the ground? There is a sadness today that won't go away. Like a death or something. Can't explain it, but it follows me around and won't let go. Maybe it's the realization that there is an ending of my M. The hopelessness of the whole thing.

It's just a hard thing to accept. I guess I'll always be wondering if I did the right things, did everything that I could, etc. Plan A longer? Plan B sooner or not at all? less LBs? less DJs? and the list goes on.

Is this normal? Can someone chime in with their own experiences at this?

Chai,

Your counselor is right, as hard as it is, you have to let your DD go, and at the same time your WS.

((((((hugs chai))))))

You WILL feel better, and you WILL recover, no matter what.

Stick around, you have a LOT of people who care about you here, and you know what, you are WORTHY.

God Bless,
Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi CL,


It's what we call around here...being on the rollercoaster... just hold on tight.... and it will get better!

...just keep telling yourself... that if you're feeling it.... it's normal.... stay with it.... it's not comfortable..... stay with the feeling....find healthier ways to deal with the feelings... by focusing on what you can DO...NOW.... rather than the past...WS's actions....eat or drink away your emotions...which are just....AVOIDANCE means.... all short-term temporary FIXES....but not helpful if you are aiming at HEALING the wound..... long-term!

....the PAIN is normal...CL....you have LOSSES to overcome... can't expect to be happy.... but you do want to get to a place....where you CAN accept, and let go of, what you can't control... and FOCUS on what you CAN!

....think of labour pains....in order to give birth.... and breathe... part of a process....to get to the other side!

You can do it!

(((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks MissM and Luna.

It really is a rollercoaster. How long does this take? Not sure we really ever get over it, do we? It always seems to be in the back of your mind.

Worst is when I wake up every day. For about 5 seconds, I feel a sense of relief. You know, that relief you feel when you wake up from a bad dream and realize that, whew, it was only a dream. But then the reality that it wasn't a dream hits me dead in the face. I hate that.

Hi CL,


There is life before the A....and life after the A...

CL...it will get better..with time...the pain WILL lessen... and once you learn to handle the 'triggers'... which is 'whatever' reminds us of the...losses...

....but you will...laugh again.... learn to enjoy life again... once, I believe, you can reach the point where you focus more on appreciating what you do HAVE in life....versus your LOSSES...



I know the feeling! ...actually...a LOT of us here.... KNOW the feeling.....

...again...with time...and learning to focus on the...PRESENT... you will change your thought patterns enough.... to reduce those MOMEMTS enough.... to ENJOY life again....

....you are going to have to learn to catch yourself THINKING about what you can't change or control which promote feelings of powerlessness.... and reroute that energy on THINGS you CAN CHANGE and CONTROL....YOU and the PRESENT....which will EMPOWER you.... which is much much healthier! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I know..I know... easier said than done.... but it's what you're.....AIMING to do!

Chai,

I am right here loving you and thinking about you. Rollercoater ride is exactly what this is. And it's one ride we didn't ask for, but we are on it regardless.

You are my strength because I watch you and see how hard you are fighting to walk through this. You will be ok. G-d has a better plan for you.

I'm right here and you can call me anytime. Know that and do it in the middle of the night when you can't sleep or have that nightmare.

We all are here for you. We all have to walk through these feelings alone, but we are together because we all understand.

I think I finally jumped off the cliff and and flying down telling G-d here I am. Reach for G-d Chai, he is there waiting for your hand and loves you so much.

As do we all on here.

Thanks Queenie. You're a gem.

And you'll be happy to know that I am going to church this week. I haven't attended services in many years, but this week I have had two different people call me and invite me to the same church, and the two don't know each other at all. I figured it must be a sign. I need to turn it over to God.

HI Chai,

I am glad you are going to church. I hope you find comfort there, but if NOT, that's ok too. G-d is really with us whether we are alone, with people or in his house.

He just wants us to reach for him. Which I do all day long especially when I can't take it anymore.

Reach for him honey, he is there and loves you so much.

Queenie,

I'm reaching girlfriend. It has been a tough week.

Now my DD tells me that WH is going to bring criminal charges against me because I deposited a $200 refund check in my account. I did not sign his name, just mine, but deposited it in my account. I called my atty and asked if he could really do that and he said no. I did not tell DD about the check, so I know that she heard about it from her dad. I just don't get why he is so hostile about all of this. I'm the one who should be hostile.

I wonder if anyone has been able to recover after such hostility and a D? It would be hard.

As you as I talked about tonight, there can be recovery. BUT if it's G-ds will and desire for you. We just don't know what he has planned for us, but I think I am safe in saying it will be beyond our wildest dreams.

G-d needs us to stay faithful and diligent to him. Lean on him and look to him for guidance. It won't come in our time I can assure you, but it will come if we are still and listen. We just don't know when or how...

I love you Chai, talk to you tomorrow. I didn't get home until after 9 which would have been too late to call you.

Chai,

I haven't been posting much lately, but wanted to stop in and say Hi!

I've been keeping up with a few threads and just want to give you a bump of encouragement.

Don't worry about the check thing, , if your A says you are ok then you are ok. WH is going to lash out about you. Just remember, it's not really about YOU, it's about him. It's a deflection move. Deflect the attention from him and what everyone knows is wrong in his world. Standard stuff that a Goddess deflects with a mere wave of her well manicured hand!


I am VERY excited that you are going to church! An invite from 2 people to the same church seems to me to be a sign. Glad you saw it and are accepting it. While I have been a Christian most of my life, I too had not been attending church until recently. It's been SO helpful to me and I am sure it will be for you as well.

Have a great weekend!

{{{{{{{{Chai}}}}}}}}} I hope you are sleeping soundly tonight.

We will talk tomorrow. Please know you are in my prayers and I love you very much. You are NOT alone, I am right there with you gal....

Hi CL,

How are you doing today?

Hi Luna,

Thanks for stopping by. Lots has transpired within the last couple of days. Of course, no change in my sitch with WH, or should I say STBXH. Lots with me, but I still have to sort it all out in my head before I can write about it.

I guess the biggest development is that I started church services tonight and was glad that I went. The message was about those who are convinced that their lives are manure. That would be me. The minister said however, that we are great candidates for sowing seeds because we are good soil.

I'll go back again. There are many functions there to participate in and I think it will be a good community for me to become part of. They have a D support group there, so I may consider attending next week.

Going to bed now. Hope you all have a great weekend....

I hope you sleep well. Call me in the AM. We can have a few laughs about my day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I can hold you on your day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />