Hi CL,



Glad you found what sounds like very helpful support.

Do keep us update when you can. We all care about you and like to know how things are with you... the good, the bad and the ugly!

((((((((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))))))))))))

Well, this week marks the beginning of my 7th month in Plan B. How far I've come....how far I've slipped.

How far have I come? Well, let's start at the beginning. After 9 months of false recoveries, continued lies, continued secrecy, and only lip service as far as recovery, I blew and went into Plan B. Shortly after, the house sold, and on moving day WH said he didn't want to be M anymore so he took his stuff, I took mine, and I ended up in my condo.

So, over the last several months I have moved, gotten a job to support myself, continued to try to run my business on the side, and have spent time trying to concentrate on other things. I painted, bought some great fabrics and did some sewing, and decorated my condo which I love. It's a great place to come home to. I've started taking piano lessons again, and also started to attend church. I've reconnected with old friends, had a few dinner guests over, bought some new clothes, new makeup, and started to cook a little more. I bought my Aero Grow for fresh herbs and a new crock pot too.

So, in that regard I have come a long way. I worked on me I guess. Am I a better person? Don't know how to answer that. I think that I'm still the same person, but a person who has learned a lot I guess. If learning makes you a better person, then YES, I am.

So how have I slipped? I've lost a happiness that was once me. I don't cry anymore (probably the AD's), but there is a sadness, a void, that is forever with me. Kind of like a hole. An anger is there too. Especially this week as I sort through 35 years of paperwork trying to undo a M that I didn't want to undo. The D filing by WH was not unexpected, but I'm surprised at how angry and resentful I have become this week. While I'm sorting through paperwork, he's out doing whatever it is that he and OP do.

For 35 years WH wanted nothing to do with anything that smelled of finances or administrivia. I did everything. Now he is demanding, through his atty, an accounting of everything, treating my like a thief or something.

I am in a battle to protect my retirement and financial future. I can't stop him from leaving for OW, but I sure as h3ll am going to try to stop him from leaving with everything. Background checks on OW reveal a recent bankruptcy. WH admitted a gambling issue there as well. I didn't work 35 years on my retirement account to fund an A.

So as I sit and try to untangle this mess, the anger is building.

WH rode off into the sunset, probably to live in OP's state with her. I doubt that I will ever see him again unless there is some sort of tragedy with our DD. So I feel like I need to finish mourning and get on with life, but that hole just won't close.

Lessons learned? Unfortunately, the lessons learned came too late. If only I could have learned them before the A and before the M ended. I wish that I would have found MB at dday instead of 6 months later. May have made a difference in the way I reacted and handled things.

Anyway, Queenie has finally convinced my to turn it over to God. Let go, quit fighting it.

I know that this probably did not make much sense because I'm thinking faster than I'm writing, but I wrote it more for me. Just needed to vent a little, so thanks for listening. Too many emotions running through the veins tonight.

Hang in there, Chai.

I got real angry at the divorce part, because my ex did the same thing - continued to march with the OW. But then they split less than 2 weeks after the D was final. I think it is GOOD that you have your own life. Let them fight with each other.

Hi CL,

Even though I have been in Plan B much longer...I am about at the same stage you are.....

...it sounds like it might be related to the preparation for and process of D.... involving the yucky paperwork... forcing us to have a closer look at the 'financial' consequences of an A.....

....it's 'triggering' a lot of emotions for me, too... mostly alternating between sadness and anger....

...and surprisingly, a bit like you are doing, it's sometimes anger towards myself for all sorts of reasons.... for NOT having protected myself better.... for NOT seeing the 'signs' sooner.....for NOT having done a better job of answering WS's needs... for NOT having DEALT with D-day better... for having placed TOO much trust in another person...

...but then I think of LA....and what would she say about all that?...

...probably that wanting to BLAME myself is a form of wanting to CONTROL, be RESPONSIBLE for consequences stemming from WS's choices... a means to focusing AWAY and NOT face my OWN 'villagers' .... the irony being that... in wanting to take responsibility for a situation that I DON'T control, so as NOT to feel POWERLESS.... I am actually creating my own powerlessness!

(...sorry LA for putting words in your mouth...LOL!)

....but I think that all in all, CL.... one thing that we CAN do and are doing NOW by being in Plan B is MINIMIZING the damage....and protecting ourselves as much as we can NOW by staying away from the CHAOS of WS's world!

...as far as happiness goes.... that's the hard part.... that we can experience it, but differently from before D-day....as those moments will continually be intermingled with 'triggers' of a trauma, D-day being one among many...

...I never took on the habit like smoking...but I listen to those that want to stop their 'dependency' on smoking (I guess it's similar for alcohol, drugs, etc)... and I hear the pain they are feeling when they equate it to mourning the 'loss of a friend' as it is associated with so many memories.... when trying to stop, not by choice, but by necessity....

...I know of a friend for whom smoking was 'linked' to the memory of her dad who had passed away! ...they shared 'smoking' together.... and so...to quit smoking for her would be like 'loosing her dad' a second time.... it was a 'means' for her to keep him 'alive', and is why she hasn't stopped yet!

....well, a BS has a dependency on WS.... but because of WS's choice to have A and OP, a BS's plan B (N/C with WS) and eventually plan D, is mourning the 'loss of a friend'....our spouses...and not by choice (nor by death!), but by necessary for our well-being

....and I think it's helpful....to avoid COMPARISONS... between our PRESENT and our PAST.... and just see it as different times in our lives!

...what I find helpful is reminding myself of some 'inspirational' story that touched me.... one, in my case, is a French book (that just recently has been made into a movie - translation: the Diving Bell and the Butterfly ) by Jean-Dominique Bauby.... which he wrote describing life while suffering from 'locked-in syndrom'.... literally a prisoner of his own body!


(((((((((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))))

Chai

Haven't posted to you in awhile but I read your thread (and others) daily.

I know EXACTLY where you are emotionally. I am 11 months after D-day (wow it was incredible to write that!) and I was feeling alot of anger and hopelessness right around the time you are now.

Without taking up too much of your thread, I'll just verify that time and what you do with that time (you are dead on there luna <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) it gets so much better. You will become awestruck at far you've come.

For me, I realized emotionally I'd reached another growth point this weekend. See, early on after D-day and WH leaving for OW, weekends were very hard for me. That was my and WH's time together since I travelled often during the week and we both worked full time. Sat and Sun I'd wake up and feel depressed in the early months after WH moved out. Then as time passed I just felt "blah", feeling as if I was just going through the motions as I kept myself busy with schoolwork, classes, friends, movies, house stuff, etc. to put my focus off of WH and onto me.

And then this Sunday, I woke up and for the first time since D-day I felt CONTENT. I felt good in my own skin! I had nothing special planned for that day -- I was puttering around my home with my doggies -- and incredibly I felt like ME again.

And then today, I inadvertently got a little info about WH. A few months ago that info would have really triggered me, made me anxious and sent me in a mental tailspin for hours. But not today--without any effort, I heard the info, broke it down to determine if there was anything I needed to use from it AND LET IT GO. And then I went through my day as normal.

Maybe it's just a high point on the rollercoaster--I don't know, and even if that is the case it doesn't diminish the place I'm at now, in the present. I'm just glad to say I can actually feel close to a whole person again.

I could not have gotten here, one step closer to my recovery without so many at MB--you, luna, believer, queenie.

You WILL get to a place of peace--and joy.

Smartie

Hey, CL.

There's no easy way or shortcut that I know of. I'm still living day-to-day and trying to savor the days that don't suck too much. Fortunately, the longer we do this, the more days there are that don't suck.

It's okay to be angry. You should be angry. And, if you are angry, don't try to hold that in. Let yourself feel it, or else it will just gnaw at you. Come post it out here. Or write your WH a letter and tell him what you *really* think (but don't send it).

We don't know how any of this will end. We're just trying to stay sane until things become more clear--trying to survive this period of insanity in our lives.

Keep on taking care of yourself. You're doing well.

(((CL)))

Hi Chai,

Glad you posted your thoughts. You ARE making progess in your personal recovery.

If WH defogs in time you're in a win/win. If he's too late, you're still in a win/win, but he's in a lose/lose.

His choice.

Glad you are making choices for yourself.

Ace

Hey Chai

Checking in with you. Hope you are well...

Smartie

Luna, SD, Believer, Smartie, Ace:

Thanks all for checking in. Haven't been on much this week due to work, but also, it's just been a tough week going through all of the paperwork. Preparing to rip apart my life's work of preparing for the day when I can't work.

Since I've been the one who maintained all of that, WH just gets to sit back and wait until I'm done with all of it, claim half, and then get on with things. I'm sure bankrupt OW can't wait for the payoff. When I think of almost 25 years of my 401K contributions and where they are going to end up, it makes me totally sick.

Oh well, quit dwelling on it Chai and get over it. My state is a no fault state and there isn't anything I can do about it. I just have to fight to keep whatever I can keep.

So, what do you all think of divorce support groups? They have one starting next week at my new church, and I was thinking of going. Mainly just to get out, meet people, and keep myself busy, but also to share with others who are going through the same thing.

If anyone has thoughts, I'd like to hear them...

Everyone I've talked to here thinks Divorce support groups are great. Be prepared for all women.

There is nothing like being with folks going through the same thing.

Thanks B. Wonder why all women? Not that it matters, just curious. I guess guys don't get into talking about it much.

Did you attend one???

Yes, I did. And before that a grief support group.

Most recovery groups are all women. Men just don't seem to want to get with others and talk things out.

Chai

I'm going to go to a DivorceCare group in April at a church near me. I'll be about 2 1/2 months away from filing for D from WH (if he doesn't file at the same time) so I thought it would be a good thing to get support from others who are in the process or have been through and maybe get some practical pointers about divorce specific to N. Carolina.

The women thing Believer mentioned is interesting. I guess now I won't be surprised if it's all girls. Hopefully, I'll make a new friend or two.

The only thing I'm concerned about is that the sessions will turn into a forum for STBX spouse bashing. Not interested in that--I'd like to spend the time productively...

I'll be eager to hear what you and B have to say about it.

Smartie

And Chai

I totally understand struggling to get over having WH and OW take 1/2 your 401k. In N. Carolina adultrey only affects the cheating spouse's ability to get alimony or spousal support from the BS; otherwise, all martial property is divided just as in a no-fault state.

So I am going to fight 'til the bitter end to keep my retirement accounts as well, but I've also had to resign myself to the worse case scenario that WH may get 1/2 of what I've worked to earn/save. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But we'll survive. For better or worse, I know lots of people who've divorced (even a few nasty ones) and they've all come out the other side okay.

We will too.

Don't forget me next time you're in Charlotte, 'k?

Smartie

B, Smartie

OK, you two convinced me to go. It may be a good thing. Like you Smartie, I was thinking that maybe some new friends may come out of it, which is always good. You can never have too many girlfriends.

Smartie, not sure when I'll be in Charlotte again, but will definitely let you know the next time.

I keep saying that we should do a Plan B get together at some point. I'm always open for travel. I love doing weekend mini vacations.

Hi CL,

Just dropping by to say HI.

...yes... I know what you mean about having to 'handle' the paperwork... it's like 'turning' the knife in the wound! .... or being 'forced' to ride the rollercoaster of emotions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

....I try to keep the focus on the end result....that it's ALL to further help cut ties with WS...someone that TODAY I would NOT choose to be part of my life!

....on my end....it includes 'paperwork' involving the 'unwanted' tenant....OW...so I am asking WS to handle it...FOR OBVIOUS reasons... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />....waiting to see what happens... I know by doing so I am exposing myself to some 'powerstruggle' over it.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> .... I just needed to communicate to WS, somehow, that if I do it...it won't be done by 'choice'! ....and let the rope go!

....WS had hoped to save money 'working it out together between us'... without lawyers... but I think that a 'friendly divorce' would actually be more important to relieve WS of some of the guilt than anything else.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ...while putting a LOT MORE strain on me!

....I worked for a long time as a legal secretary.... and personally I would rather NOT have to resort to their services... but having an attorney to consult when dealing with a WS I think is actually money well spent now...it seems to provide me with a sense of protection, peace of mind, and support.... even if it doesn't come cheap! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


I thought about attending Divorce groups as well but have the same concerns as Smartie...

...so I am also eager to hear about how helpful...or NOT... you find it...

...while we ALL try to keep in mind...

...that like everything else, this, too, shall come to pass... : <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> OYE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi Chai,

If there is a guy at the divorce group, to not talk with him alone. Someone did that without mentioning it here on MB and it was a disaster.

Hope it works out for you, Chai. Finding like-minded girlfriends who are enduring similar challenges must be a good thing.....especially now that you have your wonderful condo for your entertaining.

Sorry for your pain, but don't give up on that miracle yet....it still could happen in a way you least expect it.

Ace

Hey Ace,

Yes, I do seem to remember that happening here, but can't remember when or who. I will be on guard for that sort of thing. I sure don't need to complicate my life right now. I've just found a little peace in it, and I'd like to stretch that out a bit!

Hope all is well with you Ace....

Well, finally finished sorting through the paperwork tonight. I kept putting it off because it was so depressing, but it just had to be done.

It was all very strange today. Like I was looking at someone else's life. Seeing both names on everything, looking at paperwork from the sale of the house, and other stuff like receipts for items that he took or aren't around anymore. Even though it has only been a few months, it seemed like ages ago. Almost like it was a past life or something. Like I was never really M or ever lived in that other house that I was in for 20 years.

Did anyone else in Plan B ever experience that? Why does it all seem so long ago? Maybe I'm just accepting the fact now that it is all over and that the only thing left is really the legal aspect of it.

What does this all mean????

It means, that we are here for you and love you very much and will walk through it with you.

Your pain is so similar. We don't know the plans G-d has for us, but he does. Just keep walking because my sponsor told me if you stop in he!!, you end up in he!!.

Let's talk tomorrow.

Sweet dreams and call me during the night if you need.