Post deleted by LTKramer

Wow, need to think about this..... but have a question.

How long has alcohol been a problem? Is she diabetic also?

L.

Post deleted by LTKramer

Post deleted by LTKramer

Put it to rest, if you can't be there at 7:30 to 8:30 in the AM, find someone who will take some pix for you. The not knowing is driving you nutso. Her treatment of you is how I was treated during my H's EA. Sometimes they get ticked off cause we are still breathing. Find out about the mini-van so you can make a plan. Once you find out for sure, you can make a plan and get out of limbo.

Post deleted by LTKramer

Earlier this afternoon, GF suggested you find someone to observe your home in the early morning and 5 minutes later (the time of your next post), you've not only found someone to do that for you AND the surveillance has taken place AND you've found out your wife isn't doing anything? That must be some cool time machine you have there. You've gone back (or was it forward?) in time for a few weeks of surveillance and found out everything is fine. What an interesting thread.

Post deleted by LTKramer

I couldn't catch my wife until I snuck out at 3:00 in the morning to check the recorder I had placed in her car.

The recorder under the sofa was easy to check as that is where I was sleeping.

I had to sneak home at lunch to check the one in the bedroom.

I got MOUNDS of evidence and she was TOTALLY clueless.

What tipped me off was when she got a new cell phone that was on OM's same service provider so they could talk for "free" the old cell phone got the same number and I intercepted all the text and voice messages.

LT, you're still being awfully unclear and I really wonder why. On the chance you're not deliberately obfuscating the issue, please hear this.

The job of finding out if your wife is straying isn't the product of a single conversation with a mysterious "somebody," even a stay-at-home neighbor, a friendly bartender at the pub you and your wife frequent, or the desk clerk at the gym your wife uses. If your wife IS committing adultery, she’ll hide it and keep it away from areas she would normally patronize. A good rule of thumb is to assume your subconscious instincts are coming into play when you begin to think your wife is betraying her marriage vows. You may have seen/heard something that affected you on a subliminal level that is warning you of something seriously wrong, but it hasn’t reached through to your conscious mind yet. You need to resolve this, once and for all.

You’ll never have any real assurance if you cave so readily in a single conversation with someone. Actually, you’ll probably need weeks of constant surveillance to make sure nothing is going on. If there is anything going on, she may not be able to see OM very often—he might even be someone who is only in town every few weeks. It has happened.

Now, I don’t know if you’re actually obsessing (as you suggest) on the idea your wife is sneaking around behind your back or not. If you want to list the areas of concern you’ve noticed, what this mysterious someone saw, etc., we’ll give you the benefit of our experiences when we noticed the same or similar behavior.

If you’re going to be serious about this, do it right. For starters, I suggest you click on the "Spying 101" thread below in my signature area to get some ideas on how to do this task.

Post deleted by LTKramer

Those are more than enough "red flags" to justify some snooping, LT. Read up on how to do it and get to work.

DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!

No doubt, she's having an affair.

Post deleted by LTKramer

LTK,

When you say the SF you had in the last month was out of obligation, how do you know that? Was there some kind of sign?

My EW use to just fake all of our sexuall encounters within the last couple months of us splitting up. Just to shut me up.

Plus when you say you are not attracted to her because of her lies she has said over and over again. That you will get over it.
Does that mean you are going to be that way for the rest of your life? Thats not right either.
If she stops lying to you will you be attracted to her again?

Its a good idea to keep the logger going. It could show up anytime weather its 1 day to 6 months.

Keep me posted

Post deleted by LTKramer

Hey, LTKramer,

I saw you in Emotional Needs, where I normally post, but now you've moved over here. I want to say that my wife, back in our Bad Old Days, used to badmouth me behind my back to her friends and family. And our sex life was very rare, about 3-4 times per year, for about 5 years before I caught on. She had, at the time, no emotional feelings for me (or rather, only negative emotional feelings for me), and she gave me SF out of obligation, just to shut me up.

This went on for 5 years before I realized something was very wrong, and when I discovered her secret email account, I saw what she really felt about me. Exactly like your wife, she said in emails that she couldn't stand me, that I wouldn't do anything for her, etc etc. And she was intending to divorce me as soon as she could.

I'm comparing notes for a couple of reasons. Firstly, when a wife gets this withdrawn, she is on very dangerous ground regarding infidelity. My wife skirted the edge of an EA, although in the end she didn't have one. But I think the possibility is very strong that your wife is having one. Or perhaps she has an unrequited crush/"fantasy affair"/feelings for this neighbor OM. From everything I've seen at MB over the past 2.5 years, I think it is quite rare for a wife in your case to NOT be having an affair. As my wife demonstrates, there is a chance yours is not having an A, but I think the odds are that she is.

Secondly, whether your wife is having an affair or not, you are in an untenable situation. You cannot go on with things the way they are - neither one of you is happy right now. So you need to take action either way. You need to change the dynamics of your relationship, and if there is an affair, you need to combine that with a full-on Plan A to disrupt and end the affair.

Lastly, I want to give you some hope. Everything you describe brought up unpleasant memories for me. My marriage was stale, lifeless and almost entirely sexless like you describe yours as. That was almost 3 years ago. Today, my wife and I are closer than we ever have been. We are each other's rock of emotional support. We are each other's spouse with all that entails: life partner, lover, best friend... everything.

Here's the kicker. My wife couldn't stand me back in the Bad Old Days. And you know what? I deserved it, because I was selfish, immature and very, very neglectful. I was able to turn things around. If there was hope for me, I think there is hope for everyone.

Good luck! And keep snooping.

Post deleted by LTKramer

The ex-boyfriend my wife almost had an EA with lived in Florida, while we live in Virginia. She spoke with him on the phone, and saw him on annual vacation trips she took with her mom and the kids - and, she had the kids along when she went to his house.

It is very possible. I wouldn't have believed it, but when I saw her emails, I knew something was wrong.

I was so lucky. Our marriage really dodged a bullet. But I don't believe this based on wishful thinking. I did a lot of investigating before I brought up the topic with my wife. So I had an idea of what had happened, and when I spoke with her about it, it was more to confirm things than to get any additional facts.

The thing is, if your wife is in an affair, it will be very difficult for you to reach her. You'll need to do the Plan A. And I've seen so many husbands arrive at MB convinced their wives are not having affairs, and try for a long time to stop LBs and meet ENs. When they finally do discover the affair, they are worn out from trying for so long, and they are in no condition to start a full-blown Plan A.

That's why I think it is absolutely essential to find out if there is an affair EARLY. If you can rule it out, great - but more importantly, if there is one, you need to start Plan A while you are still in emotional shape to do so.

Good luck!

Post deleted by LTKramer