Yeah, I see what you mean Ark. I know I have to look at the big picture... I'm just not able to tackle all obstacles at once, KWIM?

And I agree that I shouldn't make this the major focus of recovery. But I cannot deny it's the main obstacle, at least right now. Not just for the relationship, but for me as well. As long as my parents are extremely involved in my life, I can't think for myself and cannot become independent.

I just think it was overdramatical of my mother to react this way over Halloween. Because I told her I needed to do Halloween my way, she says she never wants to see me again, that I'm out of her life forever? I don't know but with a mother like that, it is indeed hard to focus on a larger picture right now. I'm dealing with 2 crises at the same time.

Yes, I do want them to have access to their grandchildren, but I have decided that they will not meddle into my personal, financial or career affairs any longer. I feel i've set up a boundary yesterday, and yes the result was drama.

But you are definitely right when I can't let this drama be part of the relationship with my S. It's my problem, I have to face it, solve it, whether S is in my life or not. I should get him the least involved possible.

DO NOT give them unsupervised access to your children until they have proven that they will respect your boundaries and NEVER bad mouth your spouse in front of the children again. THIS SHOULD BE NON NEGOTIABLE....your mom, until she proves otherwise should be considered a threat to the well being (mental...not physical) of your children. Look what she has already been willing to do....imagine what she could be capable of if she feels like she is losing her grip on you. Be vigilant.

MEDC - I wanted to tell you this. I think it shows how my mom is a bit twisted these days. When I was discussing Halloween scenarios, there were 2: doing it in my neighborhood vs doing it at S's cousin's neighborhood (we are both very close to S's cousin). After asking oldest DS, he preferred doing Halloween in my neighborhood with his friends. But in the meantime, my mother went and told my oldest DS that there more chances of having poisoned candies at S's cousin's neighborhood than ours. I found out about it because DS told me that it was more dangerous to go to cousin. I was like, OMG, I can't believe she's putting stuff like that in my child's head!

It wouldn't be so bad if cousin's neighborhood was a crime stricken neighborhood... I would of understood that. But my little brother lives in that neighborhood, it's where he does Halloween and he has 2 kids. Talk about double standards.

all the more reason to protect your children from her.

she said this to a 7 year old...real nice.

This is one of the many things she said to my DS. Most of things she said were about S. Things like "your father abandonned you" "your father obviously wants nothing to do with you" "forget about your father, your mother is your family now" "grandpa will be there to replace your father".

The father has never wanted to abandon his kids. Take some time off from me, yes. But from his kids, I don't think so. I admit he has somewhat relieved himself of some duties as a parent and I feel overwhelmed. But I have to look strong even if I've never been so tired in my whole life.

you do recognize this for what it is ...right????

Child abuse.

For all of those people that would advocate a soft approach here....imagine the harm these statements do to a 7 yeaar old child.

Keep that witch (in keeping with the "holiday") away from your kids before she does some horrible, horrible damage. You should insist that as part of her being able to spend some time with the kids again, that your mom/dad attend therapy sessions with you.

I'm going to talk about that with my therapist next week MEDC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We had a great evening last night. It was tension free! That's always good. I had a great time with S and the kids and S said he did also. After the kids were in bed, I gave him a long shoulder massage. He seemed very content. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He didn't want to go to his apartment last night. He also told me that he loved me now more than he has in the last year. He is VERY impressed by the changes he's seeing. He just isn't quite sure they are permanent yet. Last week he didn't believe they would be permanent. So, progress here.

Today, DS1 had the day off from school. I took him out for some one on one time since I was off from work as well. We went out to lunch and he asked me why grandma and grandpa didn't come to Halloween yesterday (funny, he didn't ask about it last night). When I told him the reason (that I wanted to do Halloween my way, and that I wanted his father to be there) and the message she left on the answering machine, he said that she was "kinda stupid". That from a 7 year old.

I know he's mature enough to know the truth so I told him that his grandparents didn't believe it was a good idea for me and S to get back together. He asked why. I said "because grandma and grandpa don't think S is a very good husband for me" to which he responded "he HAS to be the best husband for you because he's MY dad" So, my DS is in total agreement with me. It helps validate what I've been doing.

I talked to my therapist briefly today and she thought that my mom's exit was extremely overdramatic.

Great job!!!

I would be happy to email with your H since I have some experience with thsi stuff. If he is interested, let him know my email is attached to my account on here.

I am proud of what you have accomplished in such a short time. (See, I can be blunt with my praise as well.)

MEDC

Part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The other part of me feels really guilty that I've taken steps to cut the grandparents out of my kids lives.

Don't feel guilty! It's only until they get their act together, right? I'm a grandparent myself (4x over) and it is VERY hard not to "speak my mind" about things and I don't unless it involves the safety or happiness of my grandchildren.

But I admit, your mom has carried speaking her mind to the extreme.

YOU have not taken steps to cut their grandparents out. Your PARENTS took them steps themselves. You have taken steps towards a healthier and more rewarding life. Now, hopefully, mom/dad follow suit. If they do ...great...If not, that is their decision.

Haven't heard a peep from them since Tuesday. Very unusual. Haven't heard a peep from my brothers whom I'm sure will get involved and eventually say how bad of a daughter I am.

S spent the evening again at home. We watched hockey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He didn't want to leave again.

We are spending Saturday night too, watching hockey. The kids are spending part of the weekend at his place.

We are planning a real "date" on November 10th. I'm waiting confirmation from the babysitter.

Last night, when we were doing Halloween, he was talking about how he would decorate the house next year. He's talking about next year! Cool!

Princess meggy - It's until I get my act together. They won't change, I have control over myself and will learn how to not let them run my life.

I'm kind of perplexed here. He says he WANTS to come back home but he CAN't right now. That confuses me.

He did give me reasons for it:
1) He wants to be sure that the changes I'm making are permanent
2) He wants to be sure that I can handle the house when he's gone, for example on a business trip, because if he changes jobs, he doesn't want to limit himself
3) He said he still needs some "breathing" room

Should I be worried about this???

Ok, it was a very eventful weekend around here.

According to our temporary custody arrangements, S was supposed to have his first weekend with the kids this weekend. However, last week at the beginning of the week, he found out that he had to work overtime during the weekend because of a special event at his company. So, he took the kids only from noon Saturday to noon Sunday.

However, he asked me over for dinner on Saturday night with the kids and asked me to stay the night at his place. It was great sharing the bed with him again.

Yesterday evening, he came to the house, spur of the moment thing and we chatted a bit. He announced to the kids last night that he was putting his appartment for rent and will be coming back home before xmas. He doesn't want to move back in now, because he says he wants to be able to do some overtime at work (he lost many hours when he decided to separate a few weeks ago, and is trying to gain back confidence of his bosses) and he still wants me to work on my independence *sigh* He also says he needs to be at his apartment because he's going to be putting all the stuff he bought for sale.

However, he says he wants the apartment to be "ours" while he still has it and is going to give me a set of keys this week.

This morning, I had a message in my inbox and it said "I love you".

I've been doing very well without my parents. I've been doing much better actually. I feel guilty for what I did, but I don't miss them at all. I need to work on myself with them not around, it'll be easier for me. I've almost finished reading "toxic parents" and am preparing to confront my parents (by letter) to liberate myself from their control. I've been going deep down in my oldest memories and realized that my problem is only indirectly my mother. My father has always treated me as a second class citizen, because I am a woman/girl. My dad has always been very sexist and looking back now has always made sure I wasn't as successful as he was. My mother has insulted me, but my father has always degraded me, even when I was a child. In more recent years, my spouse has noticed that he seems to take great pleasure at making me look stupid in front of other people. Spouse was actually surprised i had never noticed it. I have always admired my father so much, that I probably never wanted to admit to myself that he wasn't perfect.

I am okay with your H's approach. I am also so very happy to see what you have accomplished in such a short time with your personal growth. You are a good, strong woman.

MEDC - Thanks on the praise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. H said the same thing to me last night... he said "you are much much stronger than you think... you are the strongest woman I know... and I know that when you set your mind on something, you strive for accomplisment" You will be able to say MEDC that you have been a huge helping hand in my personal growth and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.

I talked to H about your offer (to email you) and he doesn't feel comfortable talking about this kind of thing, but appreciates the offer.

I'm ok with H's approach too, although I would want things to get back NOW. But the anticipation, and the preparation will only make things better once he does move back in <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />Because he keeps in contact everyday, sometimes many times a day, I don't feel neglected or abandonned. He's been such great support when it comes to the stuff going on with my parents. He's been my best friend, and he's been my lover too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Someone asked me this morning, "are you hoping that things will be the way the were before". I answered "NO". That person was surprised, but I added.... "things are going to BETTER than ever!".

you are most welcome. I am so happy to see things moving this way for you and your H. You too deserve some peace and happiness...and you will have it. Make sure to spend a lot of nice time together in the coming weeks.

I'm so insecure. He has taken a habit of contacting me everyday through his work email. Today, nada. I know there may be many reasons for him not contacting me, like him being swamped at work. But it's making me very insecure, and I swore to myself that I would let him come to me, which is what I should be doing.

But, it's making me totally freak out. I'm still so insecure about things and wonder every minute of the day if he has changed his mind or not.

Last night he came over for dinner, really really quick. He ate his supper, cleaned up the dishes and then went out the door. Even after the kids pleaded for him to stay. He had to go do his "laundry" and "watch the hockey game". Maybe I'm having a bad day, but I'm wondering if i,m not a pushover and he's taking advantage of me. But like I said, maybe I'm having a really bad day... *sigh*

discuss your feelings with him in a non attacking way. Let him know that you want to feel connected to him and that communication is one way for that to happen.