Seven months and going strong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

lol

yea, you'll chuckle a lot when agg and i post to eachother. it is always full of such love.

stick in the mud is just one of the many pet names i have for agg...and i am sure he has a few for me as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> lol

mlhb

Uh, I take the Fifth.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

good option.

mlhb

hey, happy thanksgiving stick in the mud, from the feisty blonde. :-0

mlhb

Same to you kiddo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Gobble gobble.

AGG

kiddo? thank you! that makes me feel nice and young <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

m

AGG -

I've been pretty honest with my kids. They were there and remember the abuse. So I didn't have to tell them about that. The fact that he simply disappeared and isn't part of our lives (theirs either) makes it easier, but they understand the part about not necessarily being 'better off' although we don't have to deal with the abuse now.

It's amazing how the kids eventually ASK. All of mine have asked very specific questions. I usually ask what they remember and let them fill in the blanks. It surprised me a while back when we were at a funeral and the woman my ex talked about the most started making over my son and he asked if she still wore green fingernails. She looked at him a bit strangely and asked how he knew about that. When he told her that his Dad told us over dinner one day, her face turned bright RED. (He was 5 when my ex left.)

Kids are smart. Don't underestimate them.

Jan,

My kids were pretty small at the time of separation (3 and 5), but certaintly the older remembers us all living together (I dunno about the younger). Here is the thing though - we never fought, never had abuse, or anything else that would appear to them to be out of normal - which is all the more reason to wonder, "why did you get divorced"?

Now, I could tell them my side, that their mom started sleeping with a coworker, and never stopped. But I don't want to go there, not at their current young age. Besides, it would become a "he said she said" - she would reply that she was miserable (and how does one disprove that rewritten history?), and that the marriage was over, and yes, she made a mistake with the affair, but the marriage was dead, and now she is so much happier. I really don't want to go there.

I just want them to realize that jus because we are all happy now (which we are), it was not a pinless process getting here, and that in many ways, all of us lost out by not having a "normal" family. But I can't find a way of doing that without making it sound like their life is a failure, which it is not - it's just that divorce sucks, and I want them to know that.

AGG

AGG,
I have not read all of the responses that you have received.

My youngest was 10 when her dad decided that the old HSGF fit his needs better then being part of our family. I was open and up front with all three of the kids the older 2 where 16 and 19 when this happened.

I told them that I was sorry that their father did not care to work on the marriage, and that I didn't feel that divorce was the answer til we had tried but that he didn't wish to do that. I put it where it belonged on him, if they wanted to know more I told them that they would have to ask their dad.

Am I happier because of the divorce? No. I am happy with where it is I am in my life? Yes!!! My kids are happy, yes I would have liked to have still been married, to be living all those things that I seen in my minds eyes. I didn't see me being by myself as these grandkids entered this world, but I am, and I am ok with that.

Be honest with them, they are hearing a lot of stuff from her, I told my kids like it was, I didn't like their dad for what he did, but I had loved their father for the man that he had been. The two where as different as night and day.

I never spued venom but I was honest in how I felt, and we have had many discussions because I was open with them, I didn't sugar coat it or make the choice that their father made ok for him, he need to reconcile that with them.

My 2 cents tonight!!!

Dawn

Why not tell the kids your wife had sex with another man and that is what caused the divorce. I bet they can handle it. I mean, dont berate her, just tell the kids the truth and leave it at that. Kids deserve to hear the truth about things.

I wouldn't. First of all, such as statement is one sided. Fault is never 100% on one person. Even it is 90/10% putting the blame solely on an affair is a bit of overstatement.

Six years post divorce with a good relationship with your ex and significant time with your kids seems (to use the MasterCard commercials): priceless.

However, you do want to protect your kids as they eventually start to form relationships with the opposite sex. You could communicate: (1) you didn't want the divorce (if true); (2) relationships (and marriage) are an important part of life, and you think working at them when there are difficulties builds character and makes for stronger/better relationships.

(2) isn't about your marriage, but a life lesson you want them to come to understand. You could mention that you wished you and your ex had been able to work things out.

You could also share a belief that (3) you are glad everyone is happy today, but that you don't think the divorce is the reason why. [But you have to be ready for subsequent dialog.]

My DD-13 had a front-row seat for (one of) my WS's affairs. During her natural questioning about the marital crisis, I told her that her mom had a BF and that it was wrong; it was a wrong done to me, and it was reasonable for me to be upset with her about that. I never pushed my daughter to take my side and I didn't bring it up. I did try to evenly answer questions when asked. You don't ever want to lie to your children.

Anyway, you're a class act. Congrats on not bringing your ex's old faults up with your kids.

- WG

My parents divorced when I was 12. Both remarried and are happy. Why they divorced, I don't remember. Blamed my dad for years. Blamed my mom for years. Can't remeber if they ever spoke badly of about each other. Both came to every event of mine and brother. Friendly to each other whenever they see each other. Ask about each other. Step-sister worked for my Dad while she was in college.

So, what I do know is that when I was an adult each has been willing to share as much information as I wanted to know. Looking back, can of worms I never should have opened, my dad cries and apoligies about once a quarter. Love them both. Forgave them both. Discussed with them middle 20's.

Kids are kids - Adults are adults. Bashing your ex does no good. Someday the kids will be adults and will only remember how you treated them growing up. And if they are interested will ask for your side of the story.

Keep the peace and be a good parent. If it escalates to some level that will cause permanent harm, speak with your ex.

Be there for the kids and show how important they are to you. But also take time for yourself.

JC