Echo ( and Brenda)

I have interacted with and learned from tens of people on these boards and read hundreds of situations in detail.

Also every book of marriage and infidelity you can point a stick at.

And I can't think of one single successful recovery where the OP spouse wasn't told.

EE, you can click on the name of the poster and go to previous posts to see previous posts. Brenda's are quite a doozy http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3130416 She only knows how to destroy marriages, so she wouldn't be my go-to girl when it came to martital advice.

This is not about Christian or non-Christian. This is about exposing the A. If OM's wife knows, he will have a harder time getting away with it because she'll be watching. Besides, e_e would be surprised who already knows. I was in my case.

I know all about the drama. I've BTDT. D-day was 10-26 & after that my life turned into a soap opera. OW's husband started calling me (after getting my phone number illegally), threatened to commit suicide in my front yard in front of me & my daughter, harassed my WH & OW when they were together, used his security guard friends at the plant where my WH worked to get info on our vehicles, discussed a contract on my WH with a hit man, committed suicide at the front gate of my WH's plant. Hit man showed up at funeral & we had to move out of our house for a week while it was being investigated. Still looking over my shoulder. Now WH finds out that OW is with someone else, feels she cheated on him & lost his job due to his attitude about the whole thing.

Exposure helps, even when it seems it doesn't. Being a Christian doesn't have anything to do with it in any way. I wish I'd found MB sooner & exposed from the beginning. Suicide can be used as a threat to control someone. Waiting for it to all go away will not make it go away. Get it out in the open & continue with your plans to move in 7 months.

It's not about exposing to soothe the pain of the BS. It's about exposing to stop the A. And if OM won't leave e_e along, she needs to do it to stop him. Exposing didn't soothe my pain, I felt worse because so many people knew. But it seems to have finally helped it die, allbeit a slow death.

EE

You said OM is also still involved with the OW #1? Stay away from him. establish NC. Make it clear to him in a NC letter from you and your BH that if he continues to contact you, you will inform his wife. Maybe this is a compromise between your BH wanting to get through the next 7 months and a way to enforce NC. You can also do the RO as MEDC suggested if he fails to keep NC after you send him the NC letter. OM is willing to destroy the lives of 3 women for his own wants and the innocent family members of those women as well, is this who you want?

FTS

Wow! Thank you Bob for taking the time and effort to put together the MB Toolkit. I'm printing it off to keep as a reference. EE

Oh my goodness, 24, I thought I had drama in my life! If the truth be told, I bet alot of the stories on this forum would make for quite an interesting mini series. Hey, perhaps a way to make money - we could sell our stories to Hollywood?! Just kidding. I'll be glad when my drama dies down or at least changes to "good" drama.

You said OM is also still involved with the OW #1? Stay away from him. establish NC. Make it clear to him in a NC letter from you and your BH that if he continues to contact you, you will inform his wife. Maybe this is a compromise between your BH wanting to get through the next 7 months and a way to enforce NC. You can also do the RO as MEDC suggested if he fails to keep NC after you send him the NC letter. OM is willing to destroy the lives of 3 women for his own wants and the innocent family members of those women as well, is this who you want?

Yes, OM is still involved with OW#1. In reality, I think of her more like a 2nd wife. She certainly viewed me as the OW to her decades long tryst with a married man. (A tryst that destroyed her own marriage and children.)

No, I do not want a man who is "willing to destroy the lives of 3 women for his own wants and the innocent family members of those women as well." Thus, my feelings of guilt when emotions are aroused when OM tries to contact.

I have read stories on this forum and think to myself, "How can they even still want a person like that?" But as we all know, that is the nature of sin. There has to be something enticing about sin, especially in the beginning, or it could not snare us. Satan is not stupid. There has to be a carrot out there somewhere. And when temptation comes knocking after being silent for weeks or months, the first thing satan swings in front of your face and memory is that carrot that enticed you in the first place.

Reminds me of that quote: "Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay." That certainly has been my experience in this sordid business of affairs.

DH and I have a lot of talking and praying and decisions to make. Everyone's input has been invaluable. Thanks to each of you for the gift of your time and wisdom. I will continue to monitor this thread for anymore input and will also keep you posted on our situation. It is so frustrating to me to read someone's story or part of their story on this forum and not know how it ends. Kind of like reading a book and getting to the last chapter only to find the pages have been ripped out!

Please tell his wife. I wish someone had told me each time my husband had an affair. They only enbaled his serial adultery by staying quiet and 'protecting' me. They didn't protect me at all. They just kept me ignorant of the truth of my life.

Brenda wrote:
But previously, Echo wrote:
There is no rational evidence that the OM’s wife is suicidal … only hearsay from the current OW, which is highly non-credible evidence (even contradictory).

If you are trying to protect yourself from harassment, and out of compassion for the OMW, the time to notify is NOW. If you are trying to protect the OMW without harm to your own career or financial situation, the time is in seven months.

However, BP wrote: There’s mine.


A was over before DD, no notification.

SSB, I think that many might disagree with your definition of "success." Your idea of "success" is to continue to lie to your H about your affair and keep your other victim [the OMs wife] in ignorance, so it is not hard to see why you consider deceit and fraud to be a measure of "success."

The person who wrote these quotes below is hardly in "recovery," sweetssobriquet:




Those quotes reflect an unrepentant wayward mind, not someone in a "successful" recovery.

No kidding Mel - but I'd like to know where she pulled the 7 months from. LOL.

I think I know.

echoecho, unfortunately, the subject of your thread attracts all the sicko waywards from gloryb who are emotionally invested in dishonesty and affair enablement. They are like sharks who smell blood in the water and come to persuade you to hide this affair.

Melodylane - it was never my intention for my thread to be a stumbling block to another person in their battle to do right in this "affair world." I have never even heard of gloryb and don't believe I want to know about it.

I have spent the last couple of evenings reading posts from about a year ago that went over this exact subject in much greater detail, even with a letter from Dr. Harley. I composed a post with my thoughts on what I read along with more musings on my situation, but will refrain from posting it. It's not worth it, if it hinders someone else's journey.

One thing I sorely missed when I was going through my affair and wracked with guilt, was someone to talk to. Women heal that way, you know. Most of us know exactly what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just need someone to compassionately listen to us talk about both sides and, at least for me, it pushes me towards the right decision.
I'm not quite sure this forum always accomodates that.

As for me, I appreciated EVERYONE'S comments and opinions on my situation. I agreed with some and disagreed with others, but they all made me think. Sometimes when we crawl into our own brains and not reach out to others, we stagnate or our thinking becomes very distorted.

By the way, I wouldn't consider my affair "hidden." I willingly, without any coercion from anyway, told all the gory details to both sides of our families and two close friends. I felt it would be protection and accountability for me since at the time I didn't feel I had the option to expose to OM's wife due to the info. I received about life long philandering and suicide.

I have no idea what bigkahuna is referring to in his 7 months comment. Oh well.

Time to hit the sak. Stayed up until 2:00 a.m. the past couple of nights reading old posts. Lots of great info., but my body is screaming for sleep!


EE

Dear Echo, BigK, and ML -- By stating "seven months," I was referencing Echo's remarks in her letters (twice):


And as to who has marital success or not, that is not for others to say. Since you are not God, BigK and ML, it might be well to remember that you do not know what happens in other peoples homes, hearts, or heads. Nearly three years down the road, my husband and I feel that we have a contented measure of recovery, we enjoy each others company, and we love one another. We UNABASHEDLY consider that to be success.

Certainly, neither one of us is so lonely or desolate that we have to post an average of 7-23 letters a day to total strangers on a message board, for years and years, just to have someone to talk to or share our lives with.

Dear Echo -- Forums attract people who wish to "talk," but unfortunately those who say the most do not always have the most to say.

I truly wish you Godspeed and wisdom on your journey!

--Sweet

SSB, unfortunately, your idea of "success" is a marriage based on deceit and fraud, which is not a sign of "success" but a sign of waywardness. That IS for any thinking person "to say," and Dr. Harley does say that recovery is impossible under those conditions. So, you can "unabashably" consider dishonesty to be a "success" or even a dog fart if that makes you happy, but in reality, it is not a success in the view of anyone who is not WAYWARD or extremely dysfunctional. Calling dishonesty a "success" is simply more evidence of your waywardness and lack of recovery.


They also attract those who wish to HELP OTHERS and those who simply want to push a PRO-AFFAIR, WAYWARD agenda, don't they? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good for you, but that doesn't quite serve to address my points, does it?

SSB....LOL....go away troll girl.

True.

I couldn't help but notice that she presumes to speak on behalf of how her husband feels about the M too. I wonder what he would actually say if questions about the M were posed to him directly?

I can tell you this - if my FWW chose not to be honest with me and refused to answer my questions about the A, I certainly wouldn't be calling referring to my M as a happy, or even recovered, one.

MIM, her "husband" was trolling this forum too initially and in his "role" pretended to be gleefully happy with her presence. SSB is a troll and so is her "husband." Her snide comments when another poor sap BS objected to her dishonesty was:


In other words, we betrayed spouses see ourselves as "tremendously put upon SAINTS" when we object to adultery and dishonesty.