Orchid,

I can understand exactly what you're saying.

In my situation the affair was 6 +years ago, with a "bump on the road" about 4 years ago. I don't know if this changes anything in my situation and I don't know if you folowed my story but approx. 4 years ago I found out that OW had intiated contact with my husband and that she drove by the place where he works.
From what he told me this happened 2 times and they talked very briefly. He was scared to death to tell me and lied about it until I "pulled it out of his nose".

He swears to this day that the affair was over and that he didn't want contact with her and that he should of told me immediately........but I'd say that "we" in MBers know what this contact means..........even if the contact wasn't "Body contact" it was contact and he broke our deal and he surely did ruin the steps we had made up till then.

But again, I didn't expose this to anyone, except to my mother. I was determined to "pack my stuff" and move back to the country I'm originally from. This would of meant a BIG step for me (I've been in Europe for over 30 years) and believe me I was serious.
He "knew it too" and this was my way of putting my foot down..........

Anyways, I don't want to make my post too long and therefore I'll try to get to the point. My husband feels like a complete slime bag, for the decisions he had made in the past.

I can't take that feeling away from him and I don't feel as if I have to do that. He made the decisions, not me.

I didn't talk about it with anyone and therefore I really think that when this topic comes up, he feels terrible. Even if I don't tell the details, it brings up a BIG dash of reality and what happened.

People would surely be shocked if they knew about "this side of him"...................

I've seen great changes in my husband since then. He can't believe who he was at that time and he can't believe the things that he was capable of doing.

He hates what he did...............only we all know that we can't turn back time.

Orchid, I really am thankful for your point of view. It gives me lots to think about. Do you see anything missing in our situation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

bb

Hi BB,

Thanks for the update. IMHO, I see you needing closure and he needing good MC to get over his guilt. He also needs closure.

Let's see, just because he is a kinder person now, doesn't absolve his guilt. Recovery includes facing one's demons and conquering them.

Maybe asking him why he feels he is a slimeball. I recall asking mine the same and he told me that was because of what he did. Ok, I told him that as long as he chooses to live with his guilt, he will be a slimeball.

My H is generally a conflict avoider. He will go through great lengths to do so and I am just the opposite. I will go through great lengths to face the issue and resolve it. So you can see the conflict this creates. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still we are here together today. Not perfect but he is facing his personal demons and learning to work through them. While all this was going on, we had to deal with his very dysfunctional parents and it became quite evident when his tendencies leaned towards the dysfunctional side things weren't going well with us. He even thought he was strong enough t/b a KISA again and though there was no PA, EAs were developing. This was after 2003 which I have not written too much about. Out came plan B and slapped him back to reality. This is a small island which loves to gossip so me finding out is not an impossibility. It is just a matter of how quickly.

He realized that he stood to lose more than it was worth and dropped his contacts. There are needy women all over the world and most of them are drama queens. So he learned that being a KISA isn't always a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Drama Queens thrive on KISAs... in fact they eat them alive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe getting your H's input on other situations (i.e. other people's A related issues or help others work through dysfunctions) may help see reality in a more clear light.

Hey, I even tell H when he is babbling. I refuse to speak that babble with him so ..... believe it or not, he straightens up quickly. LOL!!!

On the other hand, I have had to make sure I stay in line as well. This isn't a 1 sided thing. I am not too demanding but also I learn NOT to fix all for all. I give my GIVER a rest more often and find things are easier to deal with. Having dysfunctional in-laws is quite taxing. I will have to tell you about the chicken soup and plane ride incident one day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Think your H may be interested in chatting or corresponding with Steve?

Hope this helps! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks again Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My husband definately thinks differently about affairs/women now than he did years ago. He sees the games "some women" like to play and due to the fact that approx. 95% of our customers are females, he has his eyes WIDELY open............well at least he tells me alot, which he never did before because he wasn't aware of so many things.

Just in the last situation where my girlsfriend came to me and I told her that we have experienced infidelity and our marriage recovered........well they are in the middle of disaster and my husband CAN'T believe what a slime bag that WS is. If that WS were to say anything to my husband about his affair(s) my husband said that he'd tell him a piece of his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This shows me that my husband has grown alot the past few years. I was astonished that my husband was actually angry for what that WS is doing........yesterday he even said: Gosh those guys hormones are going NUTS!!!!He should hurry up and wake up before it's too late.

Think your H may be interested in chatting or corresponding with Steve?

If Steve speaks German............NO problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My husband doesn't want to IC..........and I can't force him to. But I do feel that our conversations have a positive outcome..........not immediately but things do sink in within time.

Hubby was definately a conflict avoider but I'm not letting that go...........I'm not forcing him to do anything but my way of dealing with situations seems to affect his behaviour in a positive manner.

It took alot of courage at times for him to react to a situation which meant "confrontation"..............but after him getting a pat on the shoulder from me, it got easier for him.............I'm prowd of him!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Even though I do have to swallow at times because he's NOT letting me get away with anything either but if he needs me to practice, that's ok with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your posts always HELP. Thanks so much.

bb

BB,

I see progress. Not sure if Steve speak German. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Still there is progress.

Like BK, my H found out he is healing more when he can show empathy. You know even with the A raging at one point he counseled another WS whose BSW used to post here on MB. Didn't do a lot of good for that WS since I had to go and serve an RO notice on him with a friend and 2 husky/cute police officers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Imagine a short oriental 'orchid' serving a 'body builder' his RO notice. Guess who the real scared one was?!??!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yep.... the WS, he got on the stoop and was crying. LOL!!! It was a sight as we were hauling out her stuff (i.e. clothes for her and her children, baby bottles, etc.), he was boohooing like you won't believe. I could have knocked him over with my pinkie. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Anyways, let your H keep helping. Maybe in time he will appreciate your need to talk about it. I let mine know if he couldn't help me get closure I would have to keep talking about it. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.