You can pretty much count on him dumping the OW. That is what usually happens. But you want that sooner than later so it makes it easier to recover.

Have you started changing and working on anything he complained about BEFORE the affair?

Yes I am trying and have been trying. Of course before the affair came out of the closet most everything in the world was my fault that he was not attracted to me. One of my biggest problems is I am codependent and live to take care of people. I am getting ready to start a book called Co Dependent No More. I know in the beginning he loved the fact that I did this because it made him feel like #1 but over time it bothered him I just did not know it because he has real issues with communication. He has a very hard time speaking the truth because he worries about hurting you but I have told him that is not what hurts it is the lies that hurt. He also all the sudden had an issue with my weight....I am by no means thin however I am the exact same weight I was when we met and he thought I was gorgeous. However the OW is shorter, thinner and has smaller boobs so now he is not attracted to me. This is all such a blow to the self esteem. About the only good that is coming out of this is it sure makes it easy to diet.

KC, keep your self esteem in tact. We are too fat, too thin, too short, too tall and we breathe too much to hear a wayward tell it. This has nothing to do with your weight.

GF

Amazing how they rewrite history. My ex married me because he still had 4 kids to raise and liked the fact that I cooked and kept a nice home, and was not a partier. His OW was a partier/drinker who completely abandoned her 12 year old daughter to go live with my husband. YIKES! Of course the affair didn't last.

If you feel like losing some weight, be sure to eat right and exercise. It will make you feel better and increase your self esteem.

Chances are good that the OW is meeting some emotional need that he has. Try to figure out how she does it. It could be admiration or maybe she acts helpless. Who knows? But figuring it out will help you because then YOU can start meeting it.

I have racked my brain trying to figure that out. I know she is meeting something I was not. All he ever said when they were "just friends" is she was going through a hard time with her husband. Maybe he felt like she needed him and he thinks I don't need him? Then I worry if I act happy and not LB he will continue to think I don't need him? I know he liked her long hair and her hooker heels she wore and she smokes when she drinks. He thinks I am the ex smoker nazi. He said she is a good Mom because she calls her kids to make sure they get home from school ok...HELLO what Mother does not do that. He has NO clue what truly being a parent is. Anyway I am just rambling...yes I need to figure out what EN I need to fufill is. When he came home the first time I tried to get him to fill out the EN questionairre but he thinks books are stupid...he says he knows what is in his head he does not need anyone to tell him

So this is the first week he has been gone since he suddenly left to figure things out which obviously includes seeing OM. Anyway he is still responding in full sentences to my morning e mails and I have still not had any LB and I have done NO relationship talk. My question is this...should I ask and see if he wants to grab lunch or a drink this weekend I am sure he will say no and I am prepared for that but I am not sure if I should ask or just continue to give him space. I don't want to appear needy or like I am pestering him which I think is the normal feeling a WH has.

Sorry to bump this up just want some feedback before I make a mistake...should I ask him to do something this weekend? Trying Plan A with WH not at home

I would invite him to do something that he likes, and if he says no (which he probably will), go by yourself and have a good time. You can even take some pictures to show him.

She may be meeting the admiration need which is a top one for many men. See if you can ask him for some help on something, and give him lots of admiration for assisting you.

I can not thank you enough for answering! I mentioned earlier I was going to work on the leaves but he did not offer to help then again that does not sound like much fun. He just told me to put the bagger on the mower. I think tomorrow I will e mail him and tell him I hope he has a great weekend if he gets bored and wants to grab a bite to eat, or a drink, or rake leaves to give me a call otherwise I will chat with him on Monday. How does that sound? I am fully preparing myself for a no or a no response. He ignores questions sometimes if he is uncomfortable answering because he thinks the answer may hurt you or sometimes he says "we'll see". He only left last week and I know he is contacting OW but I did not know if I should wait another week or ask now. I know if by some grace of God he does agree I can not mention her or look sad or be needy or talk about US

Spend the weekend doing something fun, and you will have something cheery to write about. This time will be hard for you, so you might as well try to enjoy yourself a little.

Well I know he is going to say no and I am going to the movies. I used to go all the time by myself on weekend mornings and I loved it. He hated to go to the movies so we only went about twice a year. I am also thinking about maybe going to church not sure about that one yet. I am going to work on the leaves it is good exercise and the air is crisp. I will try to stay busy...feel like a college girl staring at the phone willing it to ring afraid to leave her dorm room in case they might call.....of course that feeling was before the invention of cell phones..LOL

yet another question....when e mailing and when I see him next I know I am not to do relationship talk but can I tell him I love him?

I would try to figure out something that hubby LIKES to do, and invite him to that, not something he doesn't like.

I just e mailed him to see if he wanted to go somewhere and watch the game tomorrow night

he said maybe....it might mean maybe it might be his way of saying no. Either way I said just let me know, right now I don't have plans tomorrow night and I thought it would be fun. I told him to have a good night and left it at that. So to be on the safe side just in case he says yes tomorrow I better make sure I look good when I come to work tomorrow and if not I will look good anyway

Look good, and if he doesn't show, YOU go watch the game alone, or take a girlfriend. In my town there are many family friendly sports bars (with food), where everyone has a good time cheering on the home team. Then you will be able to email hubby all about the GREAT time you had.

Thank you so much to everyone here....I think most of the people in my life think I am crazy but they need to walk a mile in my shoes and geez I never even realized all this until it happened to me. You people on this board are my sanity and keep me grounded. Thank you a million times over

Everyone always thinks you are crazy to try to save a marriage where there is cheating. That is why this place is so good. Hang in there.

ok I just e mailed him to see what he decided about watching the game tonight. When he says no I want to leave a positive impression so should I respond in an upbeat way....ok catch you next time?

Yep - and then you go yourself. They usually say no, so don't be disappointed. It is important to go yourself so that you can tell him what a great time you had. Meanwhile he is NOT having fun.