Thanks for checking RIF,

I picked her up at the airport about eight hours ago. Brought her home, talked and touched, made love and spoke obliquely about what is bothering me. I was surprised about my desire for her. That's real through all the hurt.

She obviously feels that whatever she did is justified by past abuse on my part. I also got the sense that she was dumped or rejected by OM. She was second fiddle in that relationship.

Dr. Steve has given me some guidelines on how to expose the affair which I will use. I have my speech all written out. So I guess we'll have our conversation later today.

I'm thinking that I may have married a psychopath. She has given no sign of remorse yet so far, except for saying that maybe she wasn't slated to have a normal, loving relationship with any man. She keeps saying, "I'm back" as if that is the answer to all our isssues.

I will let everyone know what happens after exposure later today.

Hey Hurt!

Well, this is good news!

As for the remorse... it took a long time for Mrs. RIF to show any remorse...

Keep working with Steve and follow his guidance to the letter!!!

Semper Fi,

RIF

To RIF and others,

Well we had our conversation and it is clear that she is remorseful and depressed from thinking about what she did. She is also going through withdrawl from leaving her lover. She confessed to the A and I was pretty well right about when it started and how it was conducted. I have told her there is hope for our M if we follow a certain path and while we have a lot of things to work on, we will succeed.

We had a session with Dr. Harley yesterday, and I believe WW is coming to terms with what has to happen. I've told her there will be personal boundaries that will have to be respected and asked her not to contact the OM. I've told her we owe it to the OM's steady partner to tell her about the affair but WW does not want to do that. I guess I'll have to decide about that issue shortly. I don't think OM ahould escape free from this and I'm certain he will cheat on his "girlfriend" again plus it helps to break-up this affair. I also don't want the OM having warm feelings toward WW anymore. Advice on this point anyone?

I'm feeling a little less stressed now that the truth is finally coming out. WW is depressed and vulnerable right now. I've tried to be as considerate of her feelings as I can. I don't believe I've committed any LBs. I guess we are just beginning the first steps of recovery and I just have to be optimistic that we will succeed.

Hurt - in all truth, any LB's won't have much impact, nor will attempts by you to meet her needs until she is over withdrawal. Please do contact OM's partner. You owe her that.

Hey Hurt,

I agree with BigK... expose to the OM's wife/GF... it will help NC if you have her keeping an eye on the OM.

Semper Fi,

RIF

To all,

I agree that the other woman needs to know what her supposed steady was doing. The immediate problem is that WW doesn't know her last name and it will probably take some detective work to get it. I'm going to see what I can do to contact her without telling the OM.

The latest issue I have with WW is that she has confirmed to me that she was planning another affair with a coworker a few years ago and the only reason that didn't happen was the guy didn't respond. Will I ever really trust her again? Since these affairs are serial, is it likely she'll never be faithful again? She is saying ahe is being honest now, but is that likely while she is still in the "fog"? I have told her that we will give it some time to see if we can reconnect and see where our M goes. We are continuing to receive counseling with Dr. Harley.

If you are counselling with Dr Harley you are in the best hands. Listen to him and do what he says.

You most probably can both get over this and have a great marriage.

Hey Hurt,

Yes, if you'll both follow what Dr. Harley recommends, I think there is an outstanding chance that you guys will reconnect with each other and you will learn to trust your W again.

You're working with the best, but wanted you to know that we're here if you need to vent or want to bounce something off of us before your next counseling session...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey RIF - is there an echo in here mate?

LOL

Hey BigK!

I think it's because we're the only two that are still 'up' on this side of the world! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again for the encouragement. I keep going back in my mind to what MEDC wrote a few posts back, that, "maybe she was never capable of an exclusive relationship", and I'm wondering if he isn't right. She is certainly very sneaky and almost defiantly so.

The couseling with Steve Harley is going full swing and I'm really enjoying that. If nothing else good comes of this A, at least I'll be a better person for it.

Don't get ahead of yourself. WORK THE PROGRAM!!

I thought a little more about what is really bothering me after my last post and I guess it is fear of the unknown. My whole world has been so shaken by this A that I don't know which way is up anymore.

Maybe it's a good thing that I am no longer complacent about my relationship with WW. I've aleays been a rather confident person. I'm not so confident now.

Does everyone experieincing this go through what I am feeling?

Oh He11 YES.

Continue to follow Steve Harley's advice... opinions (mine included) from the MB web site are just that... opinions. Steve is an expert and knows what he's doing.

I've felt the same feelings that you're describing now... your feelings will change. Focus on what Steve is telling you to do and stick with his program... you WILL make it through this.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks again RIF and BigK. It's really helpful to know that you guys have gone through this and survived and thrived. I'm doing my best to do exactly what Steve has been telling me to. So far, everything he has suggested has worked out plus I find the Harleys' insights very interesting and certainly different than what most people say about relationships. I wish I knew ten years ago what I am learning now. You guys would probably never have heard from me.

Hey Hurt,

Many of the things here don't "feel" right, especially when you're deep into try to deal with a WS... and that is part of the problem. When your emotions are all over the place, it's hard to really know what to do... MB gives you a concrete plan of action that has a proven track record.

You're doing great... Please let us know how things are going for you from time to time.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I have a new issue to deal with which relates back to honesty. We live in a cloistered environment here in the ME in a rather small community with little chance of remaining anonymous. After I first revealed to my WW that I knew about the affair, I asked her not to discuss it with her best friend over here in the interest of protecting my dignity, at least somewhat, as her friend is a known foghorn. Well, wouldn't you know, the first time they got together, the status of our M came up, and WW had to tell her friend what was going on, how I was taking it, we're in MC, etc. WW thought that when I asked her not to discuss it with BF, that I only meant all the gory details of her A with OM.

I really don't get it. WW says she wants to preserve our M, but then she goes out of her way to reduce the trust between us. Is this just fog, or is this a character issue with WW? Frankly I'm getting tired of having to parse every request I make of her to insure she has a full understanding. I know she finds it offensive if I try to pin her down about what I ask or discuss. How can we overcome this? Am I being too sensitive?

Diplomatically, I've suggested that these are issues we should discuss with Steve Harley before taking action which I'm sure he would be glad to offer advice about. No response from WW except sullen silence.

I'd respectfully suggest that your "dignity" went out the door the day you discovered her affair. I know mine did.

It's not a bad thing if she has someone to talk to. My wife confided in a few friends. I think it helped her.

Yeah, the problem is that this friend is one of the enablers and has a big mouth. This is a very small community and I'm having enough of hard time dealing with this without every pointing fingers and snickering. She has friends to talk it over with who don't live and work with us.

What really upset me was that I asked her not to discuss it with this particular friend which she agreed not to and then she did. I don't believe my feelings have been part of her considerations for a long time and this is just the latest example. I guess I am just venting.