"I went to that girls house that week cause I questioned if I wanted to be with her or not. Ive had 2 months to think and now I realize what I want and Ive been changing my problems."

All I can say is Ouch! That hurt. It took you two months to realize what you wanted and you want her to get over her pain because you now know what you want. You are still putting your needs ahead of hers. She needs time, give her the same amount of time that you needed before you expect her to heal and want to work on the marriage. In that time do the plan A, and work on yourself.

Did you really? Why would you do that?



Lots of people are indecisive and they don't cheat. So why did you choose to do that?


Good answer.

And you know what? You will ALWAYS have a problem with temptation? Know why? Because we are ALL wired to have affairs because we are human. The temptation will always be there.

Now...how can you protect yourself and your marriage from temptation?



To paraphrase Steve Harley's analogy,

Imagine infidelity as a big wound in her leg.

She married you, hoping she could get past your infidelity and learn to trust you. She's been trying to run (be married and learn to trust you) with this big wound in her leg. She couldn't manage it.

Then you went to another woman's house...like rubbing salt in the wound she was already trying to deal with.

She won't be able to "get past it" without your help...not and stay married to you at the same time.

The only way to get past it together is to help heal her wound.

I recommend that you stop trying to get her to run with a big wound in her leg. Instead, help her heal the wound you caused before you married.

I missed one of your posts up top Frozen.

Yes I am doing everything in my power to get her back and i will continue.

I just got off the phone with her, I told her I want to be the husband shes always wanted me to be and all and she seemed very understanding, shes going to talk to our counsler today, our counsler is also our pastor and the guy who married us so he knows us before all of this happened.

Yes I had a problem with temptation, and yes after this life changing experience I know i will never put myself in those situations anymore, and will never do that cause I have all I need and want in front of me.


She did say she rushed to get married to try and hope these problems would go away, she did admit to that.

Okay, so she is willing to go talk to the counselor/pastor. That's a good sign.

I'm getting the strong impression here that she WANTS to rebuild your marriage, but is just finding it difficult to do so on your terms.

If I were you, I would change my terms. Starting with:

Reading everything you can from this website regarding Recovering from an affair.

I would stop telling her that what you did before you were married shouldn't matter. While she did choose to marry you after infidelity, she's obviously rethinking her ability to overcome that, given your terms.

You caused a very big wound with those choices and if marriage to her is what you want, those wounds will need to be properly healed before she is able to run.

Take responsibility for your infidelity.

Taking responsibility doesn't mean simply saying, "I did it and I'm responsible for it". Taking responsibility means, you made the mess, you clean it up and you don't expect someonen else to shoulder that burden.

You destroyed her trust. You destroyed her feelings of safety. Clean it up. It isn't fair to expect her to sit there and wonder where you are. It also isn't fair to get angry with her for asking you where you are or have been.

If you want to take responsibility for rebuilding trust, provide that information to her ahead of time. Be an open book. Give her COMPLETE access to your life...all passwords, access to cell phone records, etc. If you're not doing anything wrong, information about your whereabouts can't hurt you. In fact, it can only HELP you. If she knows where you are and what you're doing and you can verify that to her, then there's no doubt in her mind. If there is no doubt in her mind, then slowly she will begin to trust you.



We all have a problem with temptation.

If your terms are simply, "I've learned my lesson", that's not gonna be enough.

You're asking her to put blind faith in someone who has already betrayed her.

Even if you believe at this moment that you have everything you want right in front of you and you don't have doubts...it's naive to think that you will never again have doubts about your marriage or about her. You've already shown her how you handle things when you have doubts.

What about a plan that STILL protects your marriage, even when you have doubts or things aren't going perfectly between the two of you?

What are some foolproof ways that you can protect your marriage from infidelity, even when things aren't going perfectly?

Great Post Frozen. She has all my PW's and I let her look through my phone calls and txt's and my computer a week ago.
Im willing to do that, im basically willing to do anything possible to save us.

I do blame everything on me and I told her on the phone earlier it was all my fault and I had problems and it had nothing to do about what she done.

If we get into arguemnts ect. later on I will know how to deal with them better and now with god in my life and my counsler I will go to him if I have an issue we cant resolve or anything.

I will not go out and hang out with friends/girls to put myself in that position cause during this past 2 months Ive had the chance to run off with other girls but I refused to do it cause now I see how it will ruin a life. I do not want to hurt her anymore cause ive had a lot of time to myself to think about everything and how bad it is. Ive been saved recently and Im going to try in my power to do everything that is right and I know with god in my life now, I will be in the right direction

Thanks for the help Anne and Frozen, I please ask that you continue to help me through this!


I know she spoke with our consuler/preacher today on the phone and I spoke with her on the phone not long after that. Today she actually made a little bit of a conversation besides making me do all the talking. She seemed to be a little more cheerful.


I go and talk to the counsler tomorrow so I hope all goes well. Its tough going back and reading that message she sent me that I posted today. It made me lose all hope, but he chaning and not acting so hard and mean this afternoon is givng me a little more hope, but I havent heard anything else from her and I dont expect to probably.

Zach,

I see you placing an awful lot of hope on what your W will choose to do. I understand that can be very motivating and I also understand that it's what you want, but if that is your true motivation (trying to get her to stay), I challenge you to consider something:

I'd like to share something with you about love.

When you express to someone, through either words or actions, "if you love me, you will..." you are taking away someone's free choice of how they will love.

To say, "if you love me, you will stay with me" it is an attempt to say, "if you love me, you will do anything I want and not have choices of your own unless I like them."

That is true selfishness - when no one's wishes matter except our own.

That doesn't mean that you can't be upset about their choices. But it does mean that you realize that your being upset about it is your problem and not hers.

"I don't want you to leave. If that happens I will be sad and angry, but it really is your choice to make and I don't blame you for it. My feelings about it are my problem."

Binding someone's choices by guilt, manipulation or dishonesty is not love; it is slavery.

Remember that when you tie a chain around another person's ankle, it will invariably end up around your neck.

It is an attempt to control and love can't grow where control exists. It must be freely given.

If you change yourself because the person you were - the one who hurt her - is NOT the the person you want to be...if THAT is your motivation and she knows that she is truly free to choose without guilt and without expectation or pressure from you, then you can't lose.

Because if she doesn't choose THAT person, someday someone else will. Either way you will have walked away with the ability to have love and respect for yourself and with the woman who is fortunate enough to choose that man in return.

Make sense?

Yes totally, Ive told her weather or not we do get back together im still going to continue helping myself and make my self a better person.


She has a lot of feelings to get through and a lot of decisions to make and Im gong to love her either way she goes.

Good job.

Maybe her opening up for the first time in 2 months was a good thing, she seems to be over the anger stage and now. Shes a little more talkative and ive noticed a change in attitude.


I hope this is a good sign. Hope both of us together can go talk to the counsler soon.


Again, thank you for your help! Please continue helping me through this, it means a lot to me.

It'll be back, so be prepared. It comes in waves.

When it does, try not to react. Be patient and understanding. If her behavior is verbally abusive or attacking, you can tell her that you are willing to listen but only while she treats you with respect.

Yes I have done exactly that...She went through a feel phases where she would be fine and then lash out at me and I would just take it and not respond badly.

Thought it was weird though, cuz like 3 weeks ago one thursday she told me she decided that she wanted to make it work, and we went and stayed with a friend a few hours away and hung out with them all weekend. And everything was great and she was sooo happy. Then through the next week after that she decided to change her mind again when we got back?


I dont understand what happened during that week to make her withdraw like that.

You are riding the recovery rollercoaster. Get used to it.

As long as its to recovery I have no problem with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Update...Tonight she came over willingly I didnt know she was to talk to my mom and show her the new haircut.


She came to my room and sat down with me. As soon as she walked in the room I stood up and gave her a long silent hug.

She sat down and we talked about just general things like how her day was ect.

It was great, we hugged again and I felt so good, I could feel her heart beating fast against my chest.

I walked her out to her car, and my eyes teared up and I told her I wanted to be the husband shes always wanted me to be, and we hugged again and kissed. She didnt turn around and look at me when she got in her car, but I did see her wipe her face when she got in, so I take it a tear came down, not sure though.


But before she left she looked up at me and gave me a really good stare and smile, like she missed me but was hurt at the same time


Overall I think it was a step forward, and I feel we deposited in the love bank.


Hoping for the best!- She was only here 15mins or so cause she had a party to go to with someone that she works with.

Bump

That's great, Zach.

Your W sounds like a really nice person.

Slow and steady Zach. You're getting good support here. There has to be a complete commitment to change, to follow the MB plans, continue with church. Your wife needs to see that she can trust your relationship again.

Thank you, she is a very great person esp. to put up with what ive done to her over the years.

I will continue to keep doing this things and this is a very sincere change. Thank you all, I will keep you updated day to day, we still have a long way to go.