|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
talked to her for a few today, she seems a little irratated and says shes not gonna gaurentee us working out.
And shes fed up on how I treated her ect.
But one day at a time I guess...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033 |
Zach,
Have you read up on the Basic Principles of MB yet?
How about Surviving an Affair?
Have you thought more about helping her heal the wound of your infidelity pre-marriage?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
I read a lot of Dr. Harvy's stuff on the main page...
Would you be willing to link me?
Thank you!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033 |
Basic Concepts How to Survive Infidelity (and this is just a basic rundown regarding this topic. The book is much more extensive. If you are able, Steve Harley is the expert at recovering from infidelity and offers telephone counseling in which he can guide you step-by-step through the recovery process. My H and I have counseled with Steve and I highly recommend it. MB Forms and Questionnaires If your W would be willing, filling out the EN and LB Questionnaires would offer you a good place to start with learning exactly what things you can do to help fill her Love Bank and what things you have done/are doing that make withdrawals.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Ohhh I see, next week when all 3 of us meet, the counsler has already had her write down everything she would like me to change. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thanks for the links, when I get off of work ill read up on them, ive been reading for about 2 months on here.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Just got back in from church, havent heard anything from her all day really. She ignored my phone call and is out with her friend. Im so irratated when shes out with her friends, she basically acts like she doesnt care about me. Wont say she loves me before getting off the phone and is short with me, but when shes at home its a different story! Geeze what a crappy night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Zachb01; 11/14/07 09:20 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Morning Bump.... I was upset and spoke with her on the phone last night, and she told me "you know how I am, I dont think I can get over with this and forget it and move on". Its been sitting in my mind all night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Also ordered 2 Surviving an Affiar Books, one for me and hopefully she will read the one I bought for her
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033 |
WONDERFUL!!!
Try to understand that she is just hurting and be patient with her.
You're doing just fine, Zach.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,306
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,306 |
"forget and move on" isn't going to happen, and shouldn't be what you expect.
I know you don't say that's what you're asking her to do, but if you are, be aware that it is very disrespectful and hurtful to the BS to have thier issues and feelings dismissed by such statements.
If and when SHE says that, you need to tell her that you do NOT expect that, that you have a plan that you hope will help her regain trust in you and rebuild your marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Yes Ive told her shes never going to forget it I know, and I will be here even if it takes her years to get over this. I told her plenty of times I dont expect her to forget it and just move on, she knows ill be here. Just bothers me cause she says she really doesnt believe she cant move on, just hurts me.
Her dad had a commitment issue as well and still kinda does I think, he keeps things secret and all. She made a comment last night, "im not going to live like my mom and throw stuff up in my dads face like she does for 25 years".
Oh yeah, I ordered those books last night, I live in North Carolina, and couldnt figure out where the books would be shipped from...? I was guessing on how long it would take to get here
Last edited by Zachb01; 11/15/07 12:43 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Well talked to her today, and all she did was just talk about how bad of a person I am and how i treated her Ill quote her on some things, im coping it so its exactly what she said.
"u will never know how it feels and my tummy is rolling just thinkin how bad u took me for granted n betrayed me so u could get some"
"MY HEART EVERYTHING IS IN MY TUMMY JUST ROLLING CAUSE IM THAT HURT U DID THAT TO ME SCREW OUR FIRST TIME U HAD MANY FIRST TIMES"
" uve not deserved anything ive done for u ever 4 years of my life was a lie bc u couldnt keep ur [censored] in ur pants when u was gettin it"
Been a horrible day....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Spoke with her on the phone late last night, she didnt wanna come over and sit down face to face to talk, she said she was to mad at me to. We talked on the phone in general and ended up with her just yelling and telling me every single thing ive ever done bad and how she wouldnt ever to that to me ect. you get the picture. Is this a good sign shes opening up and expressing her feelings?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033 |
Yeah, I did a bit of lashing out myself.
It sounds to me like she wants empathy, but you definitely don't need to stand there and take verbal abuse.
When she does it again, you can say to her...
"I understand that you are hurting. I would be hurting if I were in your shoes, too. But I am working very hard to make changes so that you will never again be hurt like that and I am not the same person who did those things to you."
and then...
"I will talk to you again when you decide to communicate respectfully to me."
Even if you feel like you deserve the verbal lashings, it doesn't help your marriage to take them, so don't enable her to express her pain in a destructive way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Yes you are exactly right, and what you said was exactly what I did last night. I told her I understand shes hurt and im sorry but thats not me anymore and ive changed. Of course that made her get louder, I made her stop talking and I told her if she didnt talk to me like an adult imma get off the phone, I think that kinda stunned her.
This morning I called her on the way to work and she was still a little mad but didnt really show it. When she got off the phone though, she did say... "I love you" first, so that suprised me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033 |
I made her stop talking and I told her if she didnt talk to me like an adult imma get off the phone, I think that kinda stunned her. I'll bet it DID stun her. When my H responded that way to me, it stunned me too. and... I felt tremendous respect for him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Yeah she did calm down a little after that, she hasnt been so bitter towards me today, I guess we'll see how tonight goes.
Ill keep ya updated
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
She had to drive her brother around tonight, she was thinking of coming over but she did that instead, we didnt once argue or fuss. She did tell me she loved me everytime before getting off of phone and she seemed very nice and almost like her old attitude. She is bringing her car to my work tomorrow to get it serviced so ill get to see her then. She is planning on going our with her friends tomorrow night, but she said she would spend a hour or 2 with me after work, i hope she means it.
And another day passes....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
If we decide to spend a few hours together today, what exactly should I do? Should tell her how much i wanna be with her ect, which will bring up all of this and we will express our feelings?
Or should I act like I love her and nohting has happend and us be happy?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 641 |
Well she came over for 30 mins last night and we talked and I could tell something is bothering her. Someone had told her "something" she said and she doesnt believe me, Ive told her everything there is, but she doesnt believe me and I dunno what to do. I wish she would accept im changing and give me a try. I really hope she does, its been a bad day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Frozen where r u?!
|
|
|
|
1 members (Gregory Robinson),
942
guests, and
42
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
