This morning her away message on Instant Messenger says....


"Youll never know how it feels..."

And maybe you won't because the fact is, you aren't in her position.

But you can empathize with her. You can tell her that you know how much she is hurting and you know that you caused her that pain and because of that, you are working very hard to become the kind of person who KNOWS how to protect her from ever experiencing that kind of pain.

You can't take away her pain right now. But you can hold her hand and comfort her through it.

As far as your question earlier...the one about what you were thinking while you were betraying her. How about this?

Today has been a bad day and alright at the same time....Ive been so scared to hurt her and she was going to leave me If I didnt tell her the all out truth. But today I did...Please forgive me for all of this and I hope god and she does also. Today I admitted to her I did have an affair with that girl when we were married. Yes I did, im so sorry and I wish I could have told her a lot earlier but Ive been so scared she would get up and leave I havent. I know im a bad person but I hope everyone on this site will still help me and dont look at me that way, I know ive made a huge mistake and probably will lose my life/wife now, but I dont know, I met her at lunch and talked to her and told her. Shes very upset right now, with sadness and anger, i dont know what to do or what direction to go with my life right now.


Please help me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Zach,

Is there ANYTHING else that you are hiding? If so, now would be a good time to get it out.

No, everything is all out in the open 100%! Im going to talk to my counsler today and explain everything to him,I guess the good news is shes talking to me still and havent said its over, shes really hurt and shes dwelling on everything I did with that girl and didnt show the same affection to her.

Zach,

Has it occurred to you that your desire to reconcile with her is purely selfish?

Have you thought about what that means?

You are so relieved that she hasn't rejected you...yet nowhere do I see you even yet showing care, concern, or consideration for HER.

I'm so happy for you that you are sorry and that you want to turn your life around...but that is all about you.

As you are right now today...you are not an asset but a liability.

Trying to convince her to "stay with you" is asking her to be bound to someone who is not good for her because you still want things FROM her.

You are approaching this from the viewpoint of a confirmed USER and MANIPULATOR.

I understand what your saying, I really dont mean to come off like that. Could you please give me direction on what I should do at this point, I love my wife and im willing to do anything to better myself and make her happy weather shes with me or not in the long run. Right now I just need direction and what to do.

Thank you

Of course you don't MEAN to come off like that...lol...it's that your motives and frame of mind are REVEALED in your posts.

My suggestion is confession.

Tell her that you love her..but that you love her as a SELFISH and immature man. Tell her you love her for what you can GET FROM her rather than love her as a valuable and cherished individual.

Tell her that you are not safe, you are not kind, and you are not a good choice for a husband at this time.

Tell her that she SHOULDN'T trust you because a lot of what you believe, and feel entitled to, and a lot of how you perceive reality more closely resembles a small child than a grown man.

Tell her that you have some growing up to do before you will be ready to be a good husband for her.

Then go do it. Stop making demands or having any expectations that she provide care to you or meet your needs.

Stop trying to keep her on the hook, let her GO.

Pursue change in your life because you NEED it rather than as a manipulative tool.

Ok I said those things to her....Thank you and your right, I need to let her go, and I know its our instinct to keep fighting for the one we love. Ill continue to try to better myself in the mean time and keep hoping and praying.

Also is it very tough to let her go, she knows every single detail of what me and the other girl did. She is asking me 100's about what,why,where,when just everything possibly to know. She constantly asks questions. I cant be away from her cause all she does is txt me with ?'s. How do I handle this? I guess I should answer everyone of them truthfully even though it will upset her?

Well that depends on you.

If you KNOW that you are not good for her then stop accepting her txt messages.

If you know that you can't open your mouth without manipulating then SAY that.

If you are capable of telling her the unvarnished truth and letting the chips fall where they may [even if it means she HATES you and tells you so] then yes..tell her exactly what you were thinking and let her see who you really are.

So far I don't have any confidence that you are capable of that level of honesty.

What do YOU think?

Sorry Im on the run right now...Im going to talk to my counsler ill reply when i get back..Thank you!

I am being totally Honest with her now, Ive been wanting to tell her so badly the whole story but ive been so scared she would get up and leave me.

I will continue to better myself and let god take this in his hands and he will do whats right.

I see...so you wanted to make sure you had the upper hand?

What is the reason you lied to me?

I really do feel so bad and I apologize for not saying. Of course my first instinct is not to tell. I didnt wanna hurt her no more than i had to, I know it would have been better at the time to tell her, but I really thought she would have left me, I know thats selfish.


I spoke with her a couple of times yesterday, she took it better than I thought, I figured she would have said its over and not to talk to her again, I encouraged her to read "Surviing an Affair" that I got her. She got angry a few times with me but nothing crazy, she cried a few times also.
She mainly asks why I did all of this and why I went off and done that if she was as good as I say. Im such a horrible person and she did not deserve any of this, cause she would do anything possible for me, and now ive shot her down and she doesnt feel good about herself anymore.

Talked to her some this morning, she didnt have much to say really but its good shes still talking to me I guess. She may stop by this afternoon she said, she is seeing our counsler this afternoon. I guess shes stuck in between what to do. Ill let god take it into his hands and in the meantime do what I need to do to better myself in the meantime.


You around today frozen and noodle?

Hi Zach, it's Bellevue.

Want to give you more time perspective. While you're going through this, it feels like hours. Go back to the perception of an entire lifetime. No focussing on the ending you want to engineer - reconciliation. Just homing in on the man you want to become. The truthful, God-fearing, good man.

Focussing on the best thing for your wife. On helping her repair her feelings. The simple fact of two people having sex is less important (to me) than the feelings they shared together. If you were romantic and loving to the other girl, it threatened your wife.

It will take time, and nobody can guarantee the outcome. But fate led you to a place (MB) where the best help is available to restore your marriage and rebuild it.

The pain of the minute is so hard. You just want to pull away, or force it to end. Your wife's rejection, her anger, her venting, all hurt. She needs to know that you "get it."

In a month things will be feeling very different. That is true whether you are closer to reconciliation or whether things are same as today. Some of the posters here endured weeks of anger and rejection. Some of us didn't reconcile. Some are still fighting to keep their marriages a year down the road. And longer.

At your age, it is so hard to take a long view. At my age, it is too. But every second you decide to act honorably and honestly and unselfishly is a speck in the man you are building and becoming. Every time you tell the truth about yourself and put an honest speck in your being, the rest of the specks become honest. Every time you do the right thing for your wife and your marriage makes it easier to do the right thing the time after that.

There is no end point. There is just building, and it's never finished.

How did the counseling go today?

Wow great post, thank you so much and I needed to hear that. I spoke with my counsler yesterday and came clean with everything and he understands being a pastor and hes delt with this before, right now he wants me focusing on working on myself and keep doing what im doing in the meantime as she works through her emotions.

I have taken 2months now to take a long view of my life and what I want, and I have no doubt in my mind Im chaning and becoming a better husband for her and hope I get that chance to prove it to her, I wish I could get her on here but I dunno if she will or not. I keep encouraging her to read the book I got her by Dr. Harley.

I know its not much as the sex that makes her hurt, its more the emotions.

Zach,

If your W were to choose to come here and post, this is what I would tell her...

Yes i told her all of that last night.


Today she is letting me have it, its not sounding so good for us, sounds like she may be letting go after the stuff she has said today.