Just called to check up on her and make sure she was doing ok. She was driving down the road, and came up on a wreck so we talked about that. Then she said....

Her- In 10 mins its been 6 months since we've gotten married

Me- Oh really

Her- Yep

Me-I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

Her-Yeah..

Then I told her to be safe since its raining and I wouldnt want her to get into an accident. She said yeah.

BTW- Shes on her way to go talk to our preacher/counsler.

Talked to my preacher/counsler and he said they talked for almost 2 hours, and he said they had a good conversation. And im going to stop by and see him tomorrow.


I called her to check on her cause I havent heard anything from her. She was at her friends house she always hangs out with. Shes really really upset cause its our 6 months today. I could tell and my preacher told me. I told her if she wanted to stop by or go out and get something to eat to give me a call, she said ok.

I told her im sorry for a rough 6 months, and I could tell she was upset. I heard her sniffling or whatever, im sure she was crying.

And since its raining I told her to be careful cause the last thing I want is her to be in an accident. She said ok. And I told her I loved her, and she said "ok bye".

So I guess we'll see if she wants to stop by or not tonight.

Havent heard from her at all since ive been off of work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think shes done...She took me out of her profile on AOL

I had a message in her profile that I put in there...Saying I love her so much. She took it out tonight

I called her last night and asked her why she took the message I put in there a long time ago out. She said she doesnt think she come move on cause she cant ever get this out of her head.

Zachboi... (shaking my head) One of the things you have GOT TO STOP DOING if you ever hope to become ZachMAN is pretending that your betrayed wife is beign 'mean' or 'hateful' towards you when she says and does what ANY normal person would say/do when betrayed.

So what if she asked about the wine bottle you and the OW emptied together?!?!? You interpreted that as being 'hateful' to you? IMHO you best wise up and toughen up real fast boi!

WHY did you interpret that question from her as being 'hateful'? Did you make that disrespectful judgement about her asking that because of how YOU FELT when she brought it up? What do you ASSUME is her reason for bringing up such things? Can you think of any other reason she says things like that? Besides your presumption that she's just trying to be 'mean' or 'hateful' to you, what might be her motive? What do you think SHE felt like when she came across that wine bottle that you shared with the OW? And what do you think she was hoping you would say in response to her question about that wine bottle? Can you see that she was giving you an opportunity with that question - an opportunity that you totally blew off?

Also when you talk to her and she sounds upset, why do you ask if there's something wrong? Dude, you KNOW what's wrong - you cheated on her. When you act surprised and pretend not to know why she's upset you are basically telling her that in your opinion she should be over your cheating by now... so if she sounds upset (still) you're going to assume there's been some new bad news in her life that's the cause. Also, you are signaling to her that you expect her to just suffer in silence and pretend as if she's all better now, just so you can feel better ASAP. That is SO selfish and cruel. Sheesh - no wonder she sounds 'pissy'! It STILL sometimes angers me when my WXH tries to talk friendly to me as if nothing ever happened. When the WS tries to minimize the immensity of the hurt they've caused THAT becomes a whole new offense in itself. Seriously it's one of the signs of emotional abusiveness - the perpetrator pretending what they did wasn't really that bad... that the victim is overreacting...

Every time you pretend to not know why she is still upset you are telling her that IF/when she does manage to get over this you will not even give her much credit for recovering and forgiving. Because if you EXPECT her to be over it so soon and so easily, she knows you will not appreciate the immense effort on her part it will really take for her to heal enough to even want to remain friends with you let alone give you another chance instead of just dumping/divorcing your butt!

In your list of those you exposed the truth to you didn't mention YOUR family. Have you told your parents the truth about you and the OW?

Also, you might have already said this but I don't remember, have you given the OW a no contact letter stating that you CHOOSE your wife over her and want no further contact with the OW, not even as 'just friends'?

"I called her to check on her cause I havent heard anything from her."

You've already been advised several times here that you need to be calling her regularly for the purpose of giving her comfort and reassurance - NOT because you need assurance because she hasn't contacted you.

"She was at her friends house she always hangs out with."

That's good.

"Shes really really upset cause its our 6 months today. I could tell and my preacher told me. I told her if she wanted to stop by or go out and get something to eat to give me a call, she said ok."

So you communicated to her that you expect her to ask you out for your 6 month anniversary? You didn't plan anything to give to her or to invite her to yourself? So she spent that special day feeling neglected and hurt, PLUS insulted that you obviously think you're so cool/hot/whatever that you expected HER to ask initiate/plan the date? She spent that anniversary knowing that you DID make an effort to be romantic with the OW (that bottle of wine) but were basically going to sit back and wait for her to come to you if she wanted to do anything together for the anniversary?

You've admitted to us that in your marriage you had allowed things to get boring, failed to plan any date nights with your wife. Then for some excitement (for yourself - not you and your wife together) you indulged in adultery with an OW, and adultery that simply COULD NOT have taken place without you purposely putting effort and time into romancing the OW. Then you put zero planning or effort into what could have been a romantic anniversary date with your wife...

My WXH had the same bad attitude. I swear (and sometimes I literally did - yup I got 'pissy') my WH would go all out to create the right environment to enable adulteries with OW but when he was supposedly 'working on recovery' he instantly reverted back to lazy mode. I began to seriously suspect that the only reason he'd end his adulteries and come back to me was because he'd run out of money and energy on the OW and assumed he could get his needs met from me cheap and easy!

I couldnt go out and do anything with her I work late, and she WILL NOT get around me. Ive tried to set up several dates with her, she does not want to, she will refuse. She will just say "I dont know"...I cant make her go?

When I got home, she didnt want to leave her friends house.

Im sure the reason she said that comment towards the bottle was to make me feel her pain and how she feels. She made another comment today twice to me. "Go by the house and get the rest of your stuff, and clean the house like you did when you and the OW was there"

Yes my family knows what ive done and the past things ive done. My mom told her a while back she would have left me a long time ago, I agree.

Your right, I dont need to ask whats wrong, I already do know. Shes sick again the last few days so shes having some bad days.


I called this morning to ask her if she wants me to go eat lunch with her since im off of work on Tuesdays, she said " I dont know" She might go eat with her dad, I dunno. Everytime she said I dont know, its usually a No.

Please know Zach that as tough as people here are being on you, they think through everything they write. They draw on their own experiences in dealing with infidelity.

Some of us lived with adultery for 10 years (me) and a six month marriage is a blip in time. Not an insignificant blip, just mentioning that because if your wife removes you name from AOL it is just an action. You should not read into her actions any prediction of whether to give up on your marriage or whether she has given up on your marriage.

The Boards grant you the luxury of time. Print out the posts and read them. Put them away for a day, folded up under your pillow. Then unfold them and re-read them. Don't mentally answer them right away or react to them right away.

We are not attacking you or trying to destroy you. Fate or something led you here. If God led you here, He has a plan for you. Had something led you to a Divorcing website or a Dating website, your life path could be really different.

You are being counseled to look deeply into yourself. I believe running away from the pain of recent months would be a mistake. Not suggesting you beat yourself up, but rather that you examine meremortal's and Loving Anyway's posts and the other's posts and in the privacy of your room, consider their thoughts.

Nobody can see your face. There is no public humiliation here; you are anonymous. Here you are in a private Purgatory, and you can come out better and stronger. Some of us came out with renewed marriages. Some of us came out alone.

Thanks Bellevue, I know the posts you guys make my be harsh, but I know theres a good reason to them and they know what they say to me. Im not going to run away, I want to change and become a better husband for my wife. Again, thank you all, yall are truly a blessing.



My wife said this on AOL to me a sec. ago.


sweetlilthang981: idk zach it b different if this was the first time or our marriage was great n ithappened or a one night stand


Shes txting on her phone so a lot of stuff is choppy.

Zach, regardless of whether or not your wife would have accepted your invitation to go out for the anniversary, it still would have been a very wise and thoughtful thing for you to have planned and invited. And there's no excuse for not having at least gotten her a card or gift.

Again, you are using whether or not something will pay off for you as the measurement of whether or not you will make the effort to say and do the things that will help your wife recover her feelings for you and trust in you.

She feels rejected because you wanted to be with the OW so much that you were willing to risk losing your wife even. But you won't make efforts with your wife UNLESS you have some sort of guarantee that she will say yes to you? So in other words it's OK for her to feel hurt and rejected but you can't risk/tolerate feeling that way for yourself?

So what if she might reject your invitation? It still would have served the purpose of making HER feel better if you had made SOME effort.

There were lots of ways you could have dealt with the work schedule and still planned something for the anniversary. You could have asked for hte night off work. You could have planned a romantic date for the day before. You could have planned a romantic date for earlier in the day - before you had to go to work. And there really is NO excuse for not having sent her a card and flowers.

Again, it has NOTHING to do with whether or not she would have accepted or responded to your efforts in a way that pleased you.

You'd best slay that selfishness once and for all, boi!

You can BET she's seeing that selfishness just as crystal clear as we are. The evidence of your selfishness is like a big flashing banner warning her that anything you DO say and do in a recovery effort is FOR YOUR BENEFIT - not hers.

Even in the best of situations, it takes a sustained, unselfish effort from the WS to win a BS's trust again. But every time you reveal to her that your #1 priority is that she give YOU assurance, you are making the length of time and the list of things you will have to do for recovery that much longer.

PS...it would be good for you to lay the plans and be fully invested and have her refuse you anyway.

Yes your right Mortal- I should have atleast gotten her a card or flowers. I may go uptown here in a bit and get her something to show her I care about her.


Ive asked her a lot the last few months and tried to plan something to take her out to eat or to see a moive, but she will avoid it at all costs. She wont even tell me whats shes doing when she gets off of work so I have no clue what to even do then. She will go straight from work to her friends or something, or run her brother around. The other girl lives sort of out of town about 30mins away from her house.

She made this comment to me a few minutes ago...


sweetlilthang981: idk zach it b different if this was the first time or our marriage was great n ithappened or a one night stand

I went and talked with my cousnler today so that went well.

Afterwards I stopped by the store and Picked up some Cards (I got a few cause I didnt know which one I liked more lol) and some flowers.

I stopped by her work when I got out of talking with my counsler/preacher since its like 1 mile away. I txted her and told her I had a surprise, she asked what it was. I told her to come outside of her work and find out. She came outside and I gave her the flowers and cards, she smiled and told me thanks. And I gave her a hug and kissed her on her cheek. She seemed pleased and not ill with me, shes been pretty sick she may go home early today. I asked if she would like me to take her out to eat tonight, she said "im not sure I dont feel very good, ill let u know when I get off of work".

I said ok thats fine, and I told her if she didnt wanna go out since shes not feeling well then she could stop by my parents and I could cook her something. She said she will call me when she gets out of her work, so we will see this afternoon what happened.

I told her I was going to walk her into her work holding her hand, and she laughed, and I said... "Would I embarrass you" and she started laughing, so I walked her to the door, hugged her again and kissed her, and said call me when you get out.



Today I also went over to our old house, she had asked me to clean the bathrooms, the house is a complete wreck. I cleaned the bathrooms, mopped the floor. And I took all of her stuff and boxed it up, and even took it to her parents house and put it in the building for her, she was pleased that I did all of that without her even asking. She told me thanks.

She told me thanks for the stuff a min. ago and said I need to save my money. I responded by saying, "I know, im just showing how much you mean to me"

Are you going to be angry that you bought her the card and flowers and cleaned the house if she doesn't respond the way you would like her to?

Nah, I prepared myself for her not to come. Not saying I wont be a little disappointed but no I wont be angry and let it get me down.

I was just sitting here wondering though I know everyone is different and all. I was curious to why....


I read a lot of stories on this forum and I see all these BS's wanting their WW spouse to come back so bad and want to work it out with them. Why doesnt my wife want that? Why doesnt my wife want me back like a lot of these BS's do on here? I know she loves me and all.


I know someone could give me a better answer, im just a little curious to why? I know everyone is different and theirs a ton of stories just like mine out there.

Thanks

She put a big dent in me tonight. I know I shouldnt get frustrated but im just breathing.


I gave her those flowers and such and she told me she would come over. She says she will call me when she gets off of work. She didnt. I call her, shes at walmart and she will call me when she leaves. She doesnt. I call her and ask her where she is...shes at her freaking friends (of course). During the day she told me she wasnt sure if she would come over cuz she "feels sick" but yet shes not sick enough to go sit at her friends house all afternoon, after I got ready and dressed up and did all this special stuff. Sorry for the illness, im just venting. I know I SHOULDNT expect anything from her, but she tells me one thing and then does another.



So ill enjoy this evening alone

Are you sure you really want an answer?

OK....but remember you asked for it.

1 You have only been married for a minute and change and already you have cheated several times.

2 You weren't very good at meeting her needs so she probably already wasn't in love with you anymore.

3 Your cheated wasn't DIFFERENT it was more of the same [ie you weren't a committed husband for 30 yrs before accidentally developing an attachment].

Your waywardness is a character/maturity issue which affects every perception that you have. You were NEVER a committed husband and adult...you were acting like a teenager who isn't having fun at prom anymore and is ready to ditch for a kegger.

That attitude comes across and isn't attractive at all.

However...I believe that even though you didn't get a return tonight and she didn't accept...you did make a deposit which is a good sign.