Thank you all so freaking much, yall keep me going through the day at work! Ill shut up now and do what I need to do to prove myself to my wife. I love her and ill fight forever. Ill go more in depth with answering a lot of the stuff yall have said tonight when I get home from work. Thank you all so much for this concern, you guys keep me a live and changing every single day. Yall are a gift from god.

And yes my Pastor knows everything, hes calling her to see how she is feeling and let her express herself, hes a great cousnler, hes done wonders to many couples.He gives Identicle advice as you guys do.

Ill get to writing the letter to my W

Wow, look what happened while I was sleeping! Angels from out of the aether with wise counsel. What a place MB is.

SMB- Where exactly is your letter you have 2 threads and a lot of pages? Could you link me or tell me what page ect.

Thank you

First part of my life story with her.......


Where do I start? Four years of learning experiences and love. I remember like it was yesterday when you and I were in the gym in P.E. classes, giving each other looks across the gym and then me having the nerve to talk with you and flirt. You were the most beautiful thing in my eyes ever, I knew then I wanted to persue you. I remember when you challenged me to a shooting contest in basketball, and of course you put up a good fight. Then I taught you how to throw a football across the gym, I wish I could go back to those days. Then the day I asked you to come over to my house during a Alec’s 4th birthday party I believe it was, picked you up at walmart with your mom, and I could see the fear in your mother’s eyes cause she knew her daughter was falling in love. I have never felt something like that when you came over that day and I took you back home.
Then one of the greatest days in my life, the night a group of us went to that spook trail. You were sooo scared and it was so cute, but at the same time you were ok cause you knew I was there by your side to protect you and comfort you. We sat there for like 2 hours in the chilly weather, but it was all ok for me cause you were there with me, everything was perfect. How much you hate clowns, and then came for you and you grabbed me and held on tight knowing youll be ok then. Then at the end when it was all over, and we felt so good, and I hugged you and told you it was ok, I was so scared of what you though of me, and then I kissed you on your head and told you I was proud of you and you would be ok. As shy as I was, I came up with enough strength to kiss you, I couldn’t believe it, I actually did it, I had never felt something like that before, that’s when I knew I wanted to be with you, no doubt.

Then the next day October 26th 2004, the day it all began, it took me all day but I gathered enough courage to ask you out. You got quiet and told me your dad was very protective and you said he wouldn’t let you date. I understood and I knew then the battle begain for your love. I would come to your house cause your parents were so protective, and I would play with your bulldog harley and we would have a great time even though we couldn’t really do anything. I grew a relationship with you and your parents and then let me then take you to my house where we would have so much fun. My parents were so much more laid back and enjoyed watching us fall in love. Then the night I went and bought a moive and you came over to my house and we sat on the couch and during the middle of it had the courage to move closer to you and then we kissed, and how I felt that moment I cant ever describe in words. We got so close that night and made out and held each other, ill never be able to describe what that night felt like, it was like I was in heaven. Then we started spending a lot of time together and then began to grow into true love and learned so much about eahcother.

Should I go into detail about my affairs in this letter or stay on track with good memories?

Zach,

Are you saying that you are planning to send a letter like the above post??? I am very confused.

I don't think anyone here has suggested a letter such as this?

Sexymama told me to write a letter like her husband....

I figured I would write about our 4 years together, I want to remind her of the good times we've had together. I dont know what Sexy's letter consited of, i didnt know what kind of a letter he sent cause i cant look through all of those pages here at work can someone link me?

Ohh i see.....An apology letter. I dunno why but i started rambling on about good times during the 4 years with us.

I sent an apology letter a month ago to her that was like 3 pages long.


would this good memory letter be good to do? It has made me feel better and look back at what i had and what ive done.

Zach,

I have copied and pasted below my FWH's apology letter to me and my response back to him. As you read it, think of your history and in what ways you SPECIFICALLY wronged your BW.

Here's my FWH's letter:


SMB,

I am sorry for the many things that have happened with us and between us.

I am sorry I broke my marriage vows and the promises I made with you.

I am sorry I was not honest with you about how I have felt about many things through the years.

I am sorry I did not trust you with the truth.

I am sorry I withheld what you needed in a husband.

I am sorry my communication with you broke down.

I am sorry I have been so angry.

I am so very sorry I have wounded you so deeply.



I am thankful I chose you as my wife.

I am thankful for the beautiful children we have together.

I am thankful for the years we have been together.


I am unsure if the damages can be repaired.

I am unsure what would be required from each of us.

I am unsure if you would even have a desire.


It is extremely difficult for me to muddle through all these issues and acknowledge my uncertainty. My fear and uncertainty has prevented me from saying these and many other things. I have no answers, but I am looking for an exchange of feelings and thoughts. My communication skills are weak at best; maybe e-mail would be the safe way for you and me to avoid my wall building skills.



Dear tst,

I am encouraged to read these words, but very skeptical and cautious.

Up to this point, all I have seen is your desire to protect your relationship with OW at all costs, instead of protecting our marriage and our children. So I must ask, what are you willing to do? This is not something I can answer for you. But the answer you give is critical.

I can no longer leave my heart out there for you. Can it be won back? Perhaps, with much time and effort. But I cannot guarantee that. Are you willing to put in the time and effort anyway?

I can't tell you any longer that my heart's desire is reconciliation. But I also can't tell you that it isn't. Words without actions will mean little to me at this point. Your actions over a long period of time are the only thing that matters now.

So, tell me, what are you willing to do?

No, no, no. That is not at all what I said.

I said write an apology letter, a very specific apology letter. And I have posted my FWH's letter above to help you see what I am talking about.

This letter is NOT a letter to reminesce about all the good times. For your BW, the bad times far outweigh the good ones right now. That is why she is considering a divorce. You can remind her of all the good times until you are blue in the face. All the while, she'll be thinking, "Yeah, and who were you f*cking during all these good times." You will NOT convince her that your history was rosey enough to come back. You need to focus on: "I'm sorry for..."

Zach, what are you sorry for???? Think about this. In what ways have you let her down, betrayed her, not been there for her?

I think you may be confusing this letter with me telling you to be willing to give your BW all the details she needs about your history. These are two different things. There is an apology letter, and then there is a conversation (or many conversations) where you disclose the secrets of your affairs. She doesn't need to hear about how you romanced her. She knows about that. She needs to hear the MISSING details. You know, the SECRETS you have.

IF she is willing to talk with you, IF she even cares to know anymore (I suspect that if she believes you will be honest and open, she will want to ask questions), then you meet with her and answer ANYTHING SHE ASKS.

BS's ask things like:

How many affairs?

When did they take place?

For how long?

How did they start?

Who is the OW?

What did she look like?

Did you give her gifts?

Did you meet her children/family?

Did you bring her into my home?

Did you have sex in my bed?

How many times did you have sex?

What positions did you have sex in?

Did you tell her you love her?

Did you tell her she was beautiful?

Zach, she may have 100 questions for EACH affair. She may have 10. It is about telling her whatever she decides SHE needs.

Does this make sense? This is about saying to her. I am ready to come clean with you...no matter what the consequences are. I want to be honest with you, even if it means losing you.

She deserves to know this information.

Uhm, no..absolutely no.

Do you really think she doesn't remember. Of course she does. But the pain of your repeated betrayals far outweigh those "good" times at this point.

So reminding her of the "good" times is like telling her to ignore all the pain and suffering she has been through because of you.

Ok i understand what you ment now, I was just quick reading your posts earlier cause im at work.

On the apology letter ill do it, but she knows every single detail about those A's. Everyone ive had the other W has hold her every single little detail, right now I know thats whats killing my W.

She told me our of her own mouth "if I knew it was just a one night stand I could deal with it, but I know every single detail and you wanted to be with her then, you had an emotional affair too."

Giving her whatever details she asks for does two things:

1. Gives her whatever pieces of the puzzle of her life that she needs to complete the puzzle. And hearing if from the OW is NOT the same as you, her husband, disclosing HIS secrets. The OW cannot give certain details...like what you were thinking, what you were feeling, etc.

2. Demonstrates that you are eagerly willing to be totally and radically honest. Without radical honesty at this point, there is absolutely no hope for recovering your marriage.

Remember, the apology letter is completely separate from sharing the details of the affair. The letter should be to the point, not pages long. Just apologies for specific ways you failed her. No excuses, no justifications, no rationalizations, no begging, no pleading. Just plain ole "I'm sorry's"

Remember, write it, then post it here.

I am pleased you are hanging on here. Still unsure about your sincerity, but I am a BW...I relate with your BW's incredible pain and suffering. But I am glad to see you keep coming back.

Zach,



Nope. It isn't killing her that other people have told her every single detail.

What is killing her is that it's the truth. What's killing her is that you made those choices.

Yes thank you, im going to stick on here no matter what cause I know you guys are my hope and what can direct me and change me as a person.

She agreed to see me for just a min tonight, I think im going to meet her at a gas station and talk to her for just a few mins. I guess thats better than nothing. She works at a bank and they were really busy today so she didnt get a chance to call the lawyer she said.

"for a minute" what are you going to say? What are you going to "talk" about?

I hope you aren't thinking about changing her mind. Please don't even try. It would be futile.

What are you planning?

Im just going to tell her I love her and im here for whatever decision

Ok im back from meeting with her....


I had wrote her a 4 page letter of how I felt and started from day 1. I just basically gave her my point of view on our 4 years together and what it meant to me. She sat there and read it, she was crying while she read it. She finished it and she was crying a lot, and I told her I want her to be happy and ill always be her best friend. She told me she appreciated the letter and it was nice. I hugged her and we held onto each other for a minute. Then we sat there and we hugged again and she squeezed me tighter.


She left, I told her to tell me when she got to her friends house, shes gonna stay there again I guess. She txted me and told me she was there, so I called her and asked her if she had any comments towards the letter, and she said it was nice, and those were the good days and she couldnt ever believe I would do those things to her. I told her I didnt either, and I told her to keep praying. And we got off the phone from there.

Anyone around tonight??