Look, please do not give up on me and my Wife.


Please be here for me, this site is the only thing I have for help in my life, my parents arent here for me. I have no friends that are here for me. Please stay with me here.

Shorter. And get the message in there that whether your wife forgives you or not, the door to anything with you and Crystal is closed, forever.

Mention that you have changed your cell # and other ways of contact, that you will not check on her to see how she is doing and you will block all attempts by her to make any friendly contact.

Short & sweet. Post again.

Dear Crystal,

I am writing this letter to you for the sake of me and my wife’s future relationship together. .I’m writing this letter to let you know I no more want any further contact with you for the sake of my marriage. Im going to have to end all contact with you through phone, email, instant messenger, everything.
-Zach

Wife is speaking with a lawyer tomorrow she has an appointment to see her "options" she says.

Hi Zach,

I agree with Bellevue, the shorter letter is better.

Also, I don't know how your BW would feel about you starting it with 'Dear'... I wouldn't have liked it if my WXH said that in a letter to an OW.

"So for the sake of my marriage im going to have to end all contact with you through phone, email, instant messenger, everything."

I would remove the two words "have to" out of the above part. The OW and your BW will likely interpret that as a coded message to the OW that your BW is MAKING you stop all contact with the OW against your wishes.

I see you have already removed all the apologies to the OW - those would have been really hurtful for your BW to read!

Now, about those text messages from your BW. It may seem to you as if she is just venting at you because she's hurt and angry.

But something else is also going on that you need to be aware of: She is giving you an opportunity to help her deal with some specific aspect of the betrayal that is bothering her at the moment.

Remember that question about the bottle of wine you shared with the OW? BTW if you haven't done so already you should tell her that bottle of wine and the OW you shared it with have no sentimental value to you, that it was a dreadful mistake that you regret, that you understand how upset she must have been to come across that bottle when she was packing to move, and that you want her to lean on you whenever something like that triggers her, that you don't expect her to have to try to deal with those moments alone.

Instead of just giving her a general apology when she contacts you with these complaints, you could specifically address that aspect of the betrayal, how you wish you had made better choices that showed the respect and love she deserved, how you can't believe you did something so stupid that risked endangering her health, how that girl meant nothing to you and you realize what a fool you were to give in to temptation, how sorry you are that you have caused her this hurt and humiliation... AND you could tell her how you will not allow yourself to do something like that ever again. IMHO she is not simply lashing out at you but asking for you to help her deal with the details, or maybe even testing you to see if you will stand by her while she works through this.

Crystal, I want no further contact of any kind with you, for the sake of my wife and my marriage. I have damaged my marriage and hurt my wife with my selfish behavior. I have changed my cell phone #, my AIM [anything else that you tech savvy kids do to keep in touch, add here]. I am doing this because I did wrong with you. I did wrong by my wife.

Whether my wife forgives me or not, you and I are not "friends" Friends don't do what we did. Goodbye.

Zach

[my suggestion]

K thanks Bellevue thats sounds much better.


Meremortal thank u for that great post.


I had a chance to talk to my wife for a few mins face to face last night. After I left I finally realized how hurt she really is, I finally realized that she really needs to help herself out at the moment. She is beating herself down into the ground everyday about what has happened. She really needs professional help. I have asked her several times to read Surviving and Affair that I bought her. Im worried about her, she cant live like this forever. She still loves me and I believe if she would help herself then we could probably get through this.

Today is a rough day knowing shes going to the lawyer at 11am today to more than likely get seperation papers.


I wish she would help herself, shes avoiding everything to help herself, Im worried about her. Hope she realizes its not going to go away.

Anyone around today?


Thank you

-Zach

Me. I'm here. You there?

Yes!


How r u today?

Not bad. U.?

Rough but trying to hang in there.....

She went to speak with the lawyer and we are now legally seperated....:-/

Zach:

What country and state are you in? If you are in US, only a judge can declare you legally separated.

Even so, you are still not divorced.

You need to get off the panic roller coaster by recognizing your worst (and best) case scenarios, and commit to a plan. Place your hopes in your actions, and not in hers, and you will feel better about the future.

Yeah im in the US, NC. By law here it has to be like 1 year till divroced, we are just seperated by law.

Im not in panic cause the stuff she says shes still unsure, she doesnt say there is no chance for us getting back together. Im working on my actions. Right now I hope she seeks out help for herself, she really needs it, shes letting everything eat her up and beat her down, I hope she will seek professional help.

Zach:

I live in NC as well. You are not legally separated until one of the parties submits legal paperwork and the judge approves them. Until then, you may be physically separated, but that is different.

The reason why they require a year here is because a lot of times couples just need to cool off and make some changes and they end up back together.

Which leads me to repeat the same things I said before, that you need to stop panicking and make a plan, and focus on what YOU can do, such as the no contact letter, the new phone number, the new mail account, and the apology letter.

IMHO, you should place all of your energy on those four things... hint, hint!!!!!!!

Onmyway- I gave her apology letter last night

The No contact letter will be printed off tonight

Phone number change is in the process

STD Test tuesday

I have OW blocked and deleted off of AOL list.

Wife needs help, I hope she seeks it but I know I cant control that.


Ive realized I still have a long time to fight for my wife. Today I have sat and made a plan and realized there is still a lot of hope, shes still unsure about a lot of things. Im gonna continue working on myself and continuing the MB way.

You are legally separated? That quick? I thought there was a delay between drawing up the papers and filing them.

Oh well, never mind. That's just the papers.

Thoughts: You say you are concerned about your wife taking care of herself. Please try to view her decision as one aspect of self-care. She is hurt, you did put her at risk for STDs, you broke her heart. Seeing a lawyer and taking steps to legally separate is self care. It is self-protection, regaining self-respect. She needs to put a "the end" sign on this chapter of her life.

And whether or not you win her back, the chapter entitled "other women" needs to be closed in your life. No fence sitting, no open door. They belong to the Betrayal section of your life. That is not who you are anymore. Zach is building himself into a new man.

Can you pull back, let her be, and just endure the pain of loss, and think solely of what is good for her? And if never seeing you again, never talking to you again, is what is good for her, can you leave her alone and make it as easy as you can for her?

Yes as tough as it is, I need to let her go and leave her alone. Everytime I do this she seems to send me a message or something asking what im doing, like yesterday, didnt talk to her most of the day and she sends a message asking what im doing.

Im going to let her be and be on her own, and ill do what I need to do in the meantime and pray. About all I can control at this point.

I think your right about the papers, it doesnt have to go through a Judge I believe, but I think they are going to use Sept. 26th, thats the day I think I left her for the OW. I think they are going to use that date at the Divorce date.