You hit the nail on the head Bellevue.


She does want to prove to everyone she can be on her own and do things by herself. She does make the comments to her mom "Mom, im 20, im a grown up" and things like that. Her mom agrees with her. She just dont wanna talk about it in general right now. She knows her mom wants us to get through this, so she isnt going to listen to her.


But nothing we can do but let time pass and pray.

Whew im wore out.....Some reason its 70 outside today in Dec. in NC? LoL...Crazy weather.


Rode my motorcycle for about 3 hours straight today, good exercise and to get my mind off of stuff.


W hasnt called her mom all day wich is odd but has spoke with her father. I was just sitting here and she got online on her cell phone on AOL. I feel she was seeing what I was doing and if I had an away message up or out somewhere, dont see why else she would sign online.

I might finally sleep good tonight, im tired!!

Hi Zach:

I think your wife is not going to want to give reconciliation a chance anytime soon. Lucky for you NC is one of the states that has a waiting period for divorce. Use that time to work on fixing the problems with yourself that caused you to commit adultery.

I do think you should still contact your wife, that would assure her that you are still willing to save your marriage and that your efforts so far have been genuine. If youstop contact with her now you will just confirm what she already suspects: that your expressions regret and committment were just tactics to get what you wanted and that since it didn't work ASAP you've lost interest already.

I am also concerned about something you posted about not calling her anymore because you were giving her time to calm down... I'm hoping this isn't more of the old Zach trying to protect himself from having to see any evidence of her pain? She doesn't owe it to you to pretend she's not still plenty angry and hurt. It would be a big mistake to give her the impression that you will not call her if she isn't willing to pretend she is over it already.

No no not at all Meremortal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She knows I love her and im here, I left her a txt sat night telling her where I was and I loved her. She even asked who I was with. I answered her.


The friend that she talked to, she told my W what I was telling her and talking to her about us. Tomorrow my W is having that interview for her job and I was planning on sending her a txt message saying "Good Luck!". Im not going to ignore her, im just giving her a lot of space she needs and wants at the time. Like she wants.. "I need time to work on myself, and I dont know about us".

So im going to stay pretty far back for a while. Her Bday is on the 18th and Im off of work that day (YAY!). So im going to surprise her by catching her walking out to her car on the way to lunch with some Flowers and a Card.!


Thanks for the concern Mere!! Glad your still posting with me.

Well today is my W's interview for her Job.

I called her ont he way to work to tell her goodluck. I asked her how she was doing and she said good. And she said shes glad I am too. I told her I was trying to but its hard.
I ended up crying, not begging or asking for anything, but crying cause she sounded so happy, I havent saw her like that in a long time. She told me If I wanted to I could call her after 6 to see how it went. I couldnt help it, but I started crying, it hurt so bad to see how happy she is, but it makes me happy at the same time.


I told her I loved her and ill be waiting if she changes her mind, and she said "I know".

And I told her I loved her and bye.

I continue to see manipulation and controlling behavior in alll of your posts. You refuse to focus on yourself, although you claim that you are. I will go back through your posts and quote some of these things so that, hopefully, you will begin to see exactly how you manipulate and control.

One major point I need to make, Zach. Stop using her mother (or any of her family), friends, counselor/minister as your spy. You are destroying any support network she could have. Of course she doesn't confide in her mother, because you have confessed here that her mother tells you what your wife is doing or saying. Her "friend" does the same thing. Your wife needs people to talk to without worrying about you using them to gain intel on her. You complain about the new friend she has, but that is probably her ONLY support network right now.

You are using these people to fulfill your own selfish agenda and depriving your wife the support she desparately needs.

It is probably too late to correct that, because she already feels betrayed by these people. But you still need to stop doing that. It is controlling behavior.

You said this on Dec. 6. Did you follow through??? Or did you break your word???



Yes, you do. But I wouldn't call this worrying about her, I would call this obsessing about her. Worry implies concern for the other person. I do not see that in this post. This is still about you.

She IS helping herself, but you keep trying to get in the way. Seeing a lawyer and setting up a legal separation are very wise things for her to do. I am impressed that she took the initiative to do these things. It shows strength rising up in her.

And yet, you complain about HER needing to help HERSELF. You just defocused back to your BW when you need to be focusing on improving your own self.

She CAN make it go away if she chooses to. She can divorce you, put this pain behind her, and move on with her life. This can be a viable and healthy option for her...not her only option, but definitely one any healthy, strong woman would seriously consider.

Bellevue posted this question awhile back. I do not think you have given this one serious thought. You spout off that you will leave her alone, but your ACTIONS speak differently. Remember, to a BS actions are all that matters.

Leaving her alone so that she CAN help herself and do what is right for her IS an ACTION you can take.

You said this again on Dec. 5. Have you left her alone???

I understand, never really thought of it like that.

Her friend and mom I dont ask anything about her to them I dont ask where she is or anything. I just talked to her friend and I didnt ask her to do or tell me anything. She just told me what she said on her own when he got home that night. I just talk to her mom and me and such, I dont ask her mom for anything or to tell me anything cause she wont anyway, her mom doesnt want to be in the middle of this. She just is here to talk to me cause I have no one else.


My wife just got on AOL and told me her interview was today at 10am instead! I wished her luck.

Quit justifying your actions. If you are TALKING with HER mom, you are interfering in THEIR relationship. You have said on here multiple times...she hasn't talked with her mom today...

How do you know this??? From talking to her mom???

Shes actually talking to me online on her own and me not having to ask her to talk, shes talking not out of anger it seems now. Shes very very nervous though, I hope she does good. Shes had problems in the past with anxiety, she had to take medicine for it, she would get so nervous she would throw up! lol.


We're having a very slow day at work today so im just posting my thoughts and such.

SMB- Your right. Ill only talk with her mom about business. I have to talk to her mom cause I have been moving things out of our old house and helping her with things. Her mom calls me also, its just not me. I also have payments I have to make to her mom and her mom is a mother to me and always watches out for me.

Ill just keep it strictly business from now on and not about me and my W. But she will ask about us I know.

Same words...

This is not about courage. This is about selfishness. You keep "chasing" because of your selfish wayward thinking.


This says it all. You leaving her alone or not is about whether you "get" what you want. You'll leave her alone if it gets you what you want. You'll not leave her alone, if that gets you what you want.

That's why there is so much back and forth, Zach. You are still trying to manipulate people, situations, converstaion to..."get you somewhere."

Saying it again??? Did you follow through??? Or did you go back on your word??? Actions, Zach, actions. Be a man of your word by doing what you say.

You are missing the whole point, Zach. You have come up with all kinds of excuses here.

The fact that your BW isn't talking with her mother and she has moved out of her home could be because she feels her mother's loyalty is to you and not to her.

What kind of a mother would support (emotionally, financially, or any other way) the man who betrayed her daughter throughout their relationship? She should not be "watching out" for you, she should be watching out for her daughter.

You don't Plan A or B.

These plans are done while a WS is in an active affair.

Plan A: Referred around here as the carrot and the stick. There is a link to it, but I'm not good at finding them. So I'll give it my best shot at explaining.

The carrot is the BS making improvements to demonstrate the willingness and ability to meet the emotional needs of the WS. The goal is so that the last thing the WS remembers about the BS is positive before BS goes into Plan B.

The stick part of Plan A is exposure of the active affair to people of influence in the WS's life.

Yes, you do want to make improvements to yourself and, hopefully, become a man who is capable of focusing on another person's emotional needs one day. But that is as much as Plan A applies to you.

Plan B: The BS writes a letter explaining that she is trying to preserve the last little bit of love she has so that when the affair ends, she will still have love left that can be reignited. The letter also sets down the boundaries. Then the BS has absolutely no contact with WS. This is NOT the same as no contact with OW. BS's have no contact because everytime we do, the WS actions and words destroy a little more love until none is left. (This may have already happened to your wife.)

No Contact: This is what YOU the WS do with all OW. Send a NC letter and then NEVER have ANY type of contact with them.

You also seem confused about what withdrawal is. You asked if you wife was in withdrawal. She is not. She is just making some wise decisions and becoming a strong, self-sufficient woman. She's growing up.

Withdrawal: As the WS goes into no contact with the other person, there is a period of time where WS will "miss" and maybe "yearn for" the other person. This is because of the addiction a WS has to the fantasy of the affair.

Does this make things a little clearer for you?

Thought you were going to leave her alone and give some time to do what shee needs to get through this???