Zach...

The OM is full of crap...know it. He is committing adultery...so is she. This is an A. You're now on the otherside of it...and yes, it's mindblowingly painful.

Many people here on MB know what that's like...look, they are alive, some recovered, are recoverying, and all of them are here helping others get through it.

Your BW didn't have this. You found it. God led you here for a reason.

Don't go into OM's mindset or hers...YOU ARE MARRIED.

You are her husband.

You are.

Know this, please.

LA

What do I do now? Do I move on and ignore her? Do I persue her? What do I do at this point? Does she really like him? Is it just cause hes nice to her and meeting her EN's? Im so lost and dont know what to do here. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!

You need to respect HER choice to end the marriage.

Your age tells alot. You were both children when you started dating.

You have been married since May of this year....and you are only 20 years old and she is 19.

You have had 3 affairs...you are not HUSBAND material right now. You have a ton of growing up to do.

The very first step in maturing would be to LET HER GO.

Not trying to be harsh here...given the state of your last post.

I am posting as a person who has children your age. This is the EXACT thing I would tell my son (or my daughter) if this was playing out IRL for them.

committed

Here is another Suicide prevention number, just in case:

1-800-SUICIDE or
1-800-784-2433

Both should work for you.

Zach - The problem with suicide is that it is so final. I know it HURTS, but you will feel good again one day. Please talk to someone. Call a hotline or go to the ER.

Zach,

You know me and checklists. I'm always giving them to you.

Here's your new one:

#1. Call the suicide hotline if you are seriously considering taking your life. We all understand the feeling of wishing we could take our lives because the pain is so deep. But there is a line in our thinking that gets crossed sometimes and we begin to seriously contemplate the idea. If that is where you are....CALL THE HOTLINE IMNMEDIATELY. Suicide has touched my life through close friends' families. It is devastating beyond belief to those you leave behind. It is NOT AN OPTION.

#2. Start telling yourself you WILL get through this and be a better man on the other side of it all...with or without your wife.

#3. Accept that your wife may truly be resolved to end the marriage. Face the fact that it was never a marriage based on respect, honor, love, or commitment. You never put forth any of these things for your wife. At this point, it is a completely rational decision for her to leave this marriage. I understand that is not your desire at this point. But it is quite possible, and probably likely, that she can NOT get over so many infidelities in such a short time. I know you feel you have been together a lifetime, but Zach, there are BS's here who have 20-30+ years of wonderful history with their WS and the hurt from betrayal runs so deep that they cannot continue the relationship. I have to agree with everything committed said.

#4. Realize that NOTHING IN YOUR PLAN RIGHT NOW CHANGES FROM WHAT YOUR PLAN WAS (OR SHOULD HAVE BEEN) ALL ALONG. Focus on your plan. Remember what it is...to become the best Zach you can be...to become a man that someone would desire being married to. This will be a process over time. You cannot be focused on your wife and do this. You cannot be focused on the OP and do this. You can only be focused on God to become the man I know you desire to be. YOUR ONLY HOPE FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE, with your wife or any other woman, is to work on making yourself a man of compassion, commitment, dedication, and loyalty. Become a man that a woman can respect and desire. You are not there yet. You can get there. But it won't happen by worrying about what SHE is doing, or thinking, or saying...or who she is with.

Keep your eyes on God...not your wife, not OP, not even your marriage....just God. He will lead you to the issues you need to face. He will peel the layers you have built that protect your innerself from the pain of the world. He will reveal what He desires you to work on. Let Him lead you. He can do great things with you, Zach. It is His plan and His will that you must seek.

How are you doing, Zach?

Did you call the numbers below?

1-800-SUICIDE or
1-800-784-2433

Jo

Zach,

I hope you've called those numbers by now...

1-800-SUICIDE or
1-800-784-2433


When you are able, please post and let us know you're OK.

We care.

Zach, it sounds cliche...but it will get better with time. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Call someone Zach...anyone. If you want to talk to me, I will send you my phone number. I have walked in your shoes and let me tell you, it isn't worth it.

Just try and breathe. When I was a cop, I would tell people that were feeling like death was their best option that they could always decide that on another day...but for now, today..live. Realize the dynamics of an affair. It hurts like helll...but it will get better...no matter what you will be okay. So, breathe....calm down and call someone...911 or one of the numbers listed. People are there to help you.

So, call someone brother. Reach out for the lifelines that are available to you...we want to help you.

Hey Zach,

This is lousy news to get around the holidays, but it only reiterates how messed up your wife is right now. This isn't on you. So don't take it out on yourself.

Call a friend or family---get over to someone and get some support. If you don't have anyone, call one of the hotlines. Nothing is worth your life. You will get over this...

Zbach,

Please let us know how you are doing. You have gotten good support advice from those who have lived through your feelings. As Medc says, it will get better with time.

I can tell you that those feelings played a part during the time I dealt with the A. The A and WS work hard to attempt to destroy what we hold precious to us.

Please remember that life is worth more than any OM or WS. It is your real W and your life that is important to you.

In my case the OW said almost the same thing. She didn't want to acknowledge her share in my misery. She wanted to unload all on me and at the time, I also thought my life wasn't worth living. Then I thought about all the people who were supporting me, that God loved me and taught me to respect life as precious, my little son who depended on me for guidance in his young life, the list went on and when I focused on these good things in my life, I was able to ward off the depressing thoughts.

So know you are not alone. We are here to help. If you want to talk through your feelings, let us know. In addition to the hotline numbers provided, call someone. Let us know and the MB members who are willing to speak with you can post their contact info.

Here's mine: **edit**

I do have some errands to run but there are many keeping watch over this board. Please keep us current with your status.

Hugz & take care,
L.

Sorry my mom talked to me and gave me some medicine to calm me down now.


This is so much hurt. I told her she was committing Adultry by doing this. She flipped her lid and cussed me out and yelled saying its not, that she talked to her sunday school teacher ect. about it and its not. And I argued with her and she went crazy on me, then the OP was calling so she got off the phone with me.



To clear things up some. She doesnt "love him, like him really" She and him are friends but I see him meeting her EN's. He is not the type she goes for. Hes being real nice to her and thats making her feel good. I know deep down he isnt as good as he acts. Hes messed around on his other girls before. She says hes nice and makes her feel good. Shes so angry at me.

She IS committing adultery, Zach, and she knows it.

You need to stay calm, stop having angry outbursts, and take good care of yourself.

Did you tell your mom you were entertaining suicide thoughts? You need to.

Ok this Zanex has me about half messed up but in a such better mood!


My W's long time friend I was telling you about that has been helping me and her. She offered to come pick me up and take me to get something to eat.

By that time the meds kicked in lol, good thing she drove.


Well.... We were heading home after eating. Of course, we pass my Wife going down the road and she was breaking her neck looking at us. 10 seconds later, she called her.


My W went Ballistic on her, just yelling off the top of he lungs about how bad I treated her blah blah and this and that. I think shes worried her friend may like me possibly? See this is what I dont get. 1 hour ago, my W tells me ****** likes this guy some cause he makes her happy and makes her feel good and shows respect. But when she saw me out with her friend (female) she fipped her lid? Jealous? Should I go out and do what I want and possibly hang around other women and see how this goes?

She got very defensive and worried all of a sudden. She knows she has me wrapped around her finger. If I go out and do my own thing hanging out with others, is this a good thing? Or would it ruin the chances cause she thinks I havent changed?


Just made me curious how she told me we're done and she has feelings for this dude, but then right after see me out with her friend and she flips out.

The very fact that she has anger shows it isn't about friends. She has broken her vows by creating friendships that are hurtful to your M.

Would you like a plan to keep you strong and focused?

L.

HI, Zach...

Just wanted to let you know that things will be okay...you and your wife will make it through this...

stick with your MB family, k?

I'll check on you later...I know that you are in good hands!

Chin up, chest out!

No, you should NOT go out with others. That is what got you into this mess in the first place.

It puzzles me though. Ive sat back for months and nothing has happened but her moving further away from me. Now she claims she likes this guy cause he makes her feel good and hes nice.


But when I go out for 10 mins to go get something to eat with a girl she flips her lid. I dont think thats fair when she told me 1 hour ago she was through with me and possibly will pursue something with this OP.


I feel she has me wrapped around her finger and she can go do what she wants and still knows im at home waiting on her. The only thing that seemes to grab her attention is if I do something with somoene or go out.



Im not saying I wanna pursue an relationship with OP, I just want to go out and live my life now and not do what im doing now. The only thing right now that is keeping me in the right mind is this medicine I took, it has me all messaed up. She got VERY jealous it seemed when I went to eat with her friend. Why?! She told me 1 hour before that we were done and she has feeling for that OP.

Of course I wanna plan to keep me strong and focused. Im here cause I need you guys! Your my only hope.


When you say that she shows anger it isnt about friends? What do you mean by that?

A real spouse would not get angry when one spends time with friends. Remember the WS has no real friends, just those who enable the A and they are not true friends.

So when the WS sees the BS get support, the WS gets angry. Remember the WS doesn't want the BS (you) to have support or friends.

Scary thoughts? Yep..... but not scary for us. It is scary for the WS because once the BS figures this out, the WS loses their power.

L.

Well i guess im on both boats right now.


I was the WW


Now I may become the BS at the same time. She has every right I guess since we are legally seperated to go do whatever she wants but its still Adultry in my mind. But not hers.


She must still care to get so mad I got lunch with her friend. She told her....


"Hes going to just act normal with you and first, then he will be flirting with you ect."

That tells me my W doesnt really believe ive changed.