Hi Zach.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

I wanted to comment on this statement...



I don't feel it's a good idea to hang out with women, regardless of your W's current choices.

I get the feeling that your attitude is that if she is lost to you forever, what's the point.

That implies that your goal was simply to do whatever it took to get her back.

That was never the goal I had hoped for you.

This...all the work you've done, Zach, isn't about her. It's about YOU. If she chose to benefit from it, great. If not, that is her choice and she has the right to make that choice.

She is currently choosing a destructive path and there will be consequences for her for that choice, sadly.

Do you remember some time back when I discussed with you how to remove consequences and that the consequences will still come, whether or not you intended them to or were aware that there even WOULD be consequences for your choices?

That's the point. ZACH is the point. Your learning how to feel good about yourself regardless of your relationships is the point.

Your learning that you are a whole person all by yourself is the point.

Self-esteem...when your actions line up with your morals.

This isn't over.

You are at a real crossroads here and you have the opportunity from every decision you make to show yourself, everyone else and God who you are and what you stand for through your actions and choices.

When you first arrived, I had you pegged for a punk-kid, only in it for what saying the right words could get him.

But you've done some work since then.

I totally believe you can do this if you stay the course and what you do from this point will determine whether you choose to remain Zach - a kid, or Zach - a man.

Thanks frozen, when I first came here I was a punk kid wanting to say things to get her back, you and others could see right through me.

You have made me a man, a great person and a great husband. I owe you all everything for that and thank you. On me hanging out with OW, thats not going to happen I dont wanna risk anything to damage us anymore. I think my W may come back but will she make a mistake with this OP first? Who knows, this is my mistake in the first place so I have to deal with it and fix it.
If she didnt wanna be with me or care for me she wouldnt answer my phone calls, im going to be in this for the long run.
Thank you for that post Frozen, it lifted me up some.

I'm not talking about the damage it does to your chances of saving your M.

I'm talking about the damage it does to YOU as a person and all the personal growth you have achieved.

Ohhh I understand.


Agreed.


Last 2 days for once my family has been very supportive of me, they see my hurt and have encouraged me that ill be ok. Thats a side ive never really saw out of my family and it felt so good to see. Today on the other hand is rough, maybe church tonight will lift my spirits!

Her mom called me and we were just talking and she asked me if I was going to fight the papers if they came in and said I had to pay my car and credit card off in 3 months. And I told her yes and it ended up being both of us pissed off at eachother and hanging up.

The papers when they come in are going to say I have to pay almost 30k.

Her parents we sweet enough to buy me a car and I agreed to make payments on it till it was paid off. This was over 2 years ago way before we even thought about being engaged.

#1- There was never no agreement if we broke up I would have to pay it at a dealine

#2-We werent even married then or anything.

This credit card was never agreed to be paid off at a certain time or anything either. I think its so stupid shes going to waste her money on this just to try and be a ****** and she isnt going to come out on top of that battle.


Just because we are breaking up does not give me a deadline to pay it off.



Ahhh im so mad. My medicine is starting to kick in now.


I really hope this doesnt turn out to be a nasty divorce cause shes pissed off. I know shes going to be mad as ****** when I refuse to pay that money when I get them.

let the lawyers do thier lawyerly things, its not something for you to even allow yourself to get worked up over.

Divorce is ugly, there's really no way around it Zach. Keep doing what you're doing to prevent it, don't argue with anyone, much less your W or your MIL about it! If she wants to talk about it it, simply tell her "oh I don't know, I haven't thought about it, I guess I'll do whatever my attorney advises me to do if it comes to that. I'd much rather talk about finding a way to stay happily married."

Thanks for that advice there. I know theres still lots of hope for us, just some anger and frustration along with emotions being thrown around. She loves me, we can do this.

Well just got back from church.... I wasnt going to go cause I was so down and so tired and worn out. But my Uncle the one I mentioned who is the BS by my aunt. He called me on the way home and asked me if I wanted to go to his church tonight with him. I said ill see.


Then it hit me, is this a sign from god? Motivation? I think so....I took advantage of it and went and feel so lifted now. I hope you all have god in your life, he can do amazing things and I know he will touch me and my Wife through this struggle.

And now... a Total 360



Was getting me some dinner in the kitchen and me and my parents start arguing about money this and money that when it comes to my W and her family. Then my dad being the non emotional person he is aruges with me telling me I need to get over it and move on ect. Of course I get emotional and tell her he doesnt understand it all. And he is like what is there not to understand and then I stay crying cause I cant help it. And he tells me I can help it, I wish he would understand my feelings.


Im crying while typing this. I was doing so good till this happened in the kitchen. Now im not hungry,im balling my eyes out, wondering where my W is. And now I wont be able to go to sleep and have all of this on my mind now.


I now realize what pain my Wife has been through. This is so horrible and he tells me I need to give up and move on but he doesnt understand how I feel and my emotions, hes been brought up to just ignore it and not show emotions and thats where a lot of my problems have been between me and my W's relationship.


Not to Get myself back together and be strong...


Everyone send out a prayer tonight for me please. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry about explaining yourself to you parents. They will support what you choose, they just don't want to see you in pain. They think that by moving on you'll be happier sooner. Just let them know that you won't be giving up anytime soon, that you could use their support in the meantime (but don't count on it), and to please respect your decision.

My mom understands but my father doesnt.

I sent her a goodnight text message and she didnt answer. So I wasnt sure if she got it and I told her goodnight again since she didnt answer. And she answered with "goodnight zach". I guess she got irratated.

Called her on the way to her work this morning and she seemed to be in a decent mood. I asked her if she slept good and all, and she said yeah. I had sent her a few messages on AOL at her house this morning telling her I want to work on this marriage and I got us into this mess and I wanna get us out and I loved her ect. Fairly long.

I asked her if she had gotten them, and she said she got to read half of it and she will finish it up when she gets home this afternoon.

We just talked in general and she seemed in a good mood and was nice, no R talk. We told eachother to have a good day, and I told her I loved her and she just told me have a good day, talk to u later.



Good? I dont know, seems like we're "friends".


But I go to see a doctor tomorrow and hopefully get me on some Anti Dep. but I seem to be fine today. We'll see what the doctor suggests tomorrow.

Just read WayWardNoMore's thread, shows even though u can get at the very bottom there is always a chance. That story was inspiritional and gave me an uplift for today. Is he still around? I would love to have him help me. What a great story. And JM you did a fansatic job, I learned a lot from that thread

You are still trying to manipulate her, Zach. Here you write her a long message. You are hoping for a certain response and press her about a response. That is why you asked if she had gotten it, so that she would respond to you about the message. It is not the message, but your expectation to get something from it that is controlling/manipulating.





Telling her "I love you" to remind her that you do is one thing. Telling her "I love you" to find out if she will say it back...well, that's another controlling action. It seems to me that you are saying it to find out how she will respond. Please examine your motives honestly, so that you can move to a place of interacting in a more pure and honest way with your BW.






Zach, you are still trying to analyze every word and action from your wife. The goal would then be to analyze so that you can change your approach to get what you want. This is more controlling/manipulating, I'm sorry to say.

I want to see you reach a point where you can be authentic with your wife. I want to see you communicate with her without any expectation of a response of any kind, without analyzing how she is recieving what you have to say.

This isn't a "strategy" to get your wife back. This is a process of growing into a Godly man that is capable of being half of a healthy Christian marriage. This takes time.

Getting to that point is a process of stripping away protective layers you have built up over the years, and relearning how to communicate so that you can be honest, real, and true to who you are.

But to get there, Zach, you are at some point going to have to stop focusing on her and put your focus where it needs to be. What she says and does and who she's with means nothing right now. You are NOT READY to enter back into this marriage. You have much work to do--on Zach.

Have YOU set up an appointment with a counselor yet?




Please be cautious of leaning heavily on meds to "make you feel better". I realize you were talking suicide a few days ago, and so it is critical that you discuss this with a doctor.

But meds, IN MY OPINION, are not the "fix-all". They may alleviate the pain, and therefore, allow you to think you are "all better". To really get "all better", you have to work on your issues. They don't go away just because you pop a pill. You want to become emotionally healthy, not emotionally dependent on a pill to make you feel better. Follow your doctor's advice, but don't allow it to stop you from growing into someone who doesn't NEED the pills. Feeling depressed, overwhelmed, grief-stricken, full of sadness and sorrow, guilt--these are all perfectly normal feelings for the circumstances you are in. But if these feelings cause you to question whether you want to live or not, then intervention is necessary for a time to get you through it. CAUTION: This is strickly my personal opinion and has nothing to do with MB or any doctor's advice (except maybe mine). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks SMB,

A lot of what you say to Zach I can apply to some extent in my life.

Each day the understanding of Plan A is about ME and only ME becomes stronger.

B

Thanks SMB

Needed someone to make me think of my actions, im having an ok day today for once, no meds. We've been texting back and forth about her job today. Im still doing what I can to be a better person for myself every chance I can. Ive came a long ways and im going to continue.


Thank you. This OM just has me all in a delemia and I need to let it go.

HE is irrelevant to your becoming a Godly man. Would you agree?

In fact, your BW is also irrelevant to your becoming a Godly man.

When I see in your posts that you "get that", well, then I'll know I've helped you in some way.

Zach, I figured it was just a matter of time before some OM entered into the picture. but none of that matters to what your plan needs to be.

You didn't answer my question earlier.

Have YOU set up an appointment with a counselor yet? (a Christian counselor)

Ive been seeing a Christian counsler (My pastor) since all of this has happened 4 months ago. I see him every tuesday and talk to him everyday I go to church also.


Correct- They dont matter when it comes to me being a godly man.


Its very tough to just like ignore the OM in this. I know I put myself in this and its my own fault. Ive only known a few days about the OM and the pain is deep and Im healing more everyday.

Now im upset, she told me she thought she was pregnant right before all of this happened and how excited my W was when she thought she was. She never had told me about this. She took several tests but they were neg but she had symptoms of being pregnant. I guess thank god it didnt cause it would be even bigger mess.

Her text on her phone...

sweetlilthang981: thats the reason i boughtthose test underthe sink

sweetlilthang981: well i took one when u were at the beach i guess i was going to order that ams shirt n thats y i kepttalkin bout the house

sweetlilthang981: te other was in august when u stopped touchin me n was coming hme late durin the week

sweetlilthang981: yea but i knew this was happening i just didnt want to admit it

I had to say this, got me excited.


A female friend of mine IMed me today on AOL and told me I had to tell deedee if she did one more thing for me it would be go watch this movie with me... "P.S. I Love you".

She said it would open her eyes, this female friend's fianice is just like I was, doing the same things I did, they are going through a lot of mess also, she watched this and she said it made her think a ton.

I mentioned it to my W on the phone a minute ago, and I asked if she would go with me and she replied... "Ill think about it." which kinna suprised me, every answer to everything before has been "I dont know" or "no". So that surprised me. She sounded like she wanted to but wanted to see what she had going on or think it over.


I know someone is going to say... "What happends if she doesnt go? Are you going to be disappointed?".

Answer to that is no, i wont. I understand comepletely if she doesnt and either way im still going to go see the movie sat. With or without my W.