This is a parent/child dynamic. This is not the way an adult deals with conflict...by pre-emptively trying to avoid what they believe will happen. It's also not very honest and open.

A better method for accomplishing the very same thing (avoiding an argument) would have been to use the boundary skills I've mentioned to you before.

If she is speaking to you disrespectfully, politely tell her that you will be willing to listen to her point of view, but only if she is treating you with respect.

I don't know about you, but I find it very difficult to feel respect for a man who avoids my phone calls (particularly if it's over a conflict that HE created). I would feel much more respect for him if he treated me in a way that showed me that he considered himself my equal, rather than behaving as though he were my child and didn't want to be scolded by "mommy".

I see what your saying Frozen.I know her intentions to that phone call, she did it to ring me up again. This has been a rough day today, ive been dreading tonight for a while now cause she will possibly be kissing him at midnight ya know? But what can I say? I screwed 4 girls.

Ill handle it differently next time. On the telling he to be respectful thing, last 3 times ive said that she will reply with... "RESPECT!? Dont tell me about respect". She got 3xs more angry when I said that and then she will continue yelling louder. What do I do in that situation? Last time I told her if she kept doing that and couldnt talk respectfully then I would have to get off the phone

I ended up hanging up ...I stayed calm the whole time, calm voice.

Im sure she wont be contacting me anytime soon anymore anyway. Shes with her new boyfriend, the guy that makes her happy. She has no reason to call me. ****** she even said she didnt Love me anymore last night. I know thats WS talk im sure. It hurt though. I kinna look at it and think....4 months ago I knew how she felt, I was in her shoes at the WS. But at the same time its different cause of the situation.

Also,

I dont want to, But should I? Send a Happy New Years text? Knowing she will probably be hanging out with the OM makes me not want to.

I was just sitting here wondering also....

The biggest tool we have is exposure on A's. What do I do in my situation I cant really expose? I screwed my marriage up, she seperated me, she has a right legally to go do that. If I expose or say something concerning her hanging out with the OM ill be called an idiot and no1 cares cause im the one who screwed our marriage up.

I know its new years, but is anyone going to be around tonight? Im trying my best to keep my composure.

Zach,

I would find the whole 'respect' thing a bit laughable at this stage too. You haven't earned her respect and she hasn't earned yours.

If she can't speak on the phone without Angry Outbursts and Disrepectful Judgements then it's time to end the conversation. A request to keep the conversation civil is not unreasonable.

If she wants to talk to you she will eventually buy a clue.

You have dug yourself a very deep hole in which to climb out of. Trying to convince her that you are dedicated to a complete makeover is going to be a tough sell. I do not envy you.

Zach this whole notion that you are now a betrayed spouse is nonsense, please stop with this........it's not very becoming of a young man who has proclaimed to have changed.

You need to get out of all the drama you constantly are creating.. "she did this! whats it mean! look at all I'm doing! look how bad she is now!"

Come on Zach... Your wayward LIFE - I mean entire dating and married life - were nothing but lies. And I mean constant lies. She was 15 when you first lied to her and it never stopped. So come on Zach what do you expect her to feel. Her entire life with you has been nothing but a lie. It would be mature of her to be done with you.

Please stop with all the self-pity, I'm-betrayed babble and let's get back to working on you to make you a better man, which is what you keep saying you want to be. It's also what I'm praying you will be.

Thanks TST, I ask you please stay with my thread.


Im trying my best to become a great person. Some reason I have the tendency to get on here and just blurt out what im feeling and thinking. Sorry, My new years resolution is for me to become a good person, a good husband, a good human being. Please stay with me, pray for me, and continue to help me all. I promise you I will be one of those success stories someday that you will read through and at first think there is no hope at all to seeing the unbelievable.

Get off the phone.



You're right. It is. These are consequences. They're not much fun, are they? You can't do a whole lot about the consequences you're experiencing now, but you can do something to prevent future consequences of this sort in your future relationships.



I second what tst is saying.

I don't mean to be harsh, Zach. Remember a couple of weeks back when I talked to you about what taking responsibility looks like? It looks like accepting your consequences without complaining, even though they suck.


No. Yesterday you said that you weren't going to contact her anymore.

^^ Thanks Frozen


Yes im suffering my conquences now, what comes around goes around huh? We love eachother, thats something they dont have together. I know theres still hope, its in gods hands now between us, in the meantime its in Zachs hands to change Zach.

Honesty...not really.

Whatever pain you are feeling now, I'm almost positive it's not even a drop in the bucket compared to what she has endured. And she didn't even have the consolation that you have of the knowledge that she did something that somehow deserved the consequences she got.

Really, Zach, it's no comparison.

Correct, im sure my pain will never amount to hers, especially the week she was begging for me back. Looks like now shes strong enough to move on with her life.


I must do the same.

I am not saying that any pain she has felt makes what she is doing morally right. It's not. She is still married.

And so are you.

Yeah I understand that. Like I said Legally she has every right to. Morally shes doing a horrible thing. Will it last? Who knows. I dont see it ending anytime soon. Hes a charmer.

All I can do is change myself, and pray to god.

Like she even said to me and her mother and sister.

"He hasnt changed, hes lying."

Everyone will be proved wrong.

Zach, I think you need to stay away from your wifes family and allow her the chance to reclaim them as people she can trust again - without you manipulating in any way.
Each time you allow them to tell you things about her, they are continuing to betray her confidence and it's all adding to her pain.
You have no need to contact them, it doesn't help in any way that I can see. you can send your MIL any money you owe her the same way we all pay bills----through the mail!

I also would like you to stop complaining about her friends that are supporting her...I'm sorry you can't manipulate the woman your wife moved in with, it's no longer your call who she receives support from.
See your manipulation has removed the trust she may have had with her other friends and family due to your constant contact with all of them. You cannot blame her for turning to a few friends that may not be the best....at least she can trust them to not talk with you...

Zach - Get involved with your church - community outreach, homeless shelters, youth groups that need some help, etc., anything to refocus some of this energy and get you out of youself and invest into the lives of others. These are the types of life changing experiences that are available if you will ask your pastor and others in the church how to get plugged into them....But it will require effort on your part to engage.... Best part is none of these cost you any money <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> just a little time, which right now you have an excess of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Im involved with church and a few other activites outside. Ill ask my pastor about some more for sure. I went to sleep at like 11 last night,most nights I have to take some medicine to help me go to sleep so I wont be up all night. W stayed with the OM last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Yeah im going to stay away from her family. One problem is my MIL calls me sometimes to try and get something out of me, see I work with a good buddy who hangs out with the son of the lady my FIL is running around with. So my MIL calls me sometimes and asks me something, Ive told her its not my business. They have one big messed up family, nothing but drama

Hey Zach this response is a set up for yourself to keep excusing the contact before it ever happens....can you see this?????

Yeah your right, it is an excuse cause I dont have to answer my phone. Im trying my best to keep my composure and keep my head on straight, its getting easier everyday it seems, im starting to accept the fact she isnt coming back. I guess it takes time and soon enough ill be able to live normally without running 1 million questions through my mind and get on with my life.

you can answer your phone, you just need to ask them not to call - give an honest reason as to why you make this request and ask them to respect your wishes in the future.
It really is that simple!

Easy enough.


I was reading someones success story not long ago and I cant find it again where Double Infidelity was involved. Anyone know who it was?