Well Ive been out for the first time in months being able to be in a decent mood and not worry myself to death and enjoy life. Looks like everyday that goes by it gets easier? We'll see. Overall so far a decent day, still no contact or anything. I must have fell off the face of the earth?


Anyway, ive visited all my family around town today and they gave me hope and encouragement. Something my parents have a hard time doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> keep praying for us.

No you haven't fallen off the face of the earth, this statement, however, is another form of self pity.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
When you become aware of these forms of self pity you can begin to change your thoughts.
Recognize what you are saying and change the pattern.

I see, didnt realize it till after I read it for myself. I just said it kinda being a smarta$$, not that it really bothered me.


Ive done pretty good today! Hope this is a new beginning. I will stick to my new years promises.

I was just sitting here thinking and reading around for a while. I seem to have a pretty unique situation?

First of all we are very young
Second Im the WH, she files for seperation papers which I havent gotten yet. And then she doesnt want recovery due to she found OM, especially so quickly. She has only been with me her entire life, I treated her horribly and she no longer loves me, so she says. This OM is meeting her EN's and she is getting attached very quickly. As far as me having exposure, I really cant? Everyone knows but what can I say? Im the one who treated her bad and got us into this mess. Im like a sitting duck waiting on Divorce it seems.


Is this just a phase she is going through? Shes an emotional wreck and everyone see's shes not acting her true self. Shes borderline losing her job due to staying up so late and coming into work late with a bad attitude, so not like her! She smokes like crazy now. Everything is so unorginaized when it comes to her. My W has always been someone who has EVERYTHING planned out and sweet and kind, and has her future for the long run planned out. Now she lives day to day not knowing what to do, wanting to quit her job and not sure what she wants to go to school for. Shes an emotional wreck, always pissy and ignoring her parents.


Phase? I know she loves me, but will she fall in love with this OM? Will she miss me not speaking with her over time?


Sorry if it seems im focusing on her so much, im really just typing out my thoughts as of now, it makes me feel better since I dont have anyone else really to talk to.


Im still focused on recovery for Zach, and what Zach needs to do, I understand I cant control my W. Im just wondering is there any situations out there like mine or any stories?


Thanks

-Zach

If you're young and have never really known other adult relationships, I'd say you're both better off trying being adults, on your own, for a while before you even think of trying to get back together, even if she wants to. You both need to learn who you are, what your life goals are, what you're all about; THEN see if another person fits that person.

As for her, she's just rebounding and trying to understand the chaos, after she thought she had her whole life planeed out. If you still have any sway over her, I'd help her realize she's just fluxing, and urge her not to make any serious decisions for at least 6 months. If this OM truly loves her, he'll wait that long.

Show her your concern, and continue to learn here and with an IC, so you can better yourself and not make any future mistakes. Be the kind of person you should be, and she may come back around. Even if she doesn't, you'll have become a better person to serve you for the rest of your life.

Yes shes rebounding, I see that. Shes clueless right now. This guy is there for her, being nice to her, giving her something shes been needing, comfort and kindness. I dont have any sway over her at this point. She basically hates me at this point, but I kept pushing her away by begging and such. She I think has already made a serious decision by going off with this OM.

Like she says she doesnt believe ive changed, guess If I keep being a good Zach and doing great things then possibly she will see that and miss me? Who knows? The OM just got out of a long relationship also.

She knows what I want, she knows Ill do anything for this marriage and I think she was making the turn for the better a month ago till she had feelings for this OM.

I will still be waiting for her making good decisions and such. She does love me weather she admits it or not, and she will eventually forgive me and what ive done. I have my priorities straight now.

Zach,
your not unique here on this board, you are a typical wayward, and a serial cheater.
Sorry to burst your uniqueness bubble..

You are young I will give you that. However, you are still a wayward trying to change your life. I'm glad you are willing to accept your fault in all of this.
You have no children (thank God) or things would be even worse.
Since you are young and have no children it is often going to be recommended that she move on...and that you move on as well.
I still think you are feeling sorry for youself with all this musing about whats she doing with blah, blah, blah.

Zach, stay focused on what you can do differently in your future, set a few goals, as I said before - outreach programs, etc.

Threadjack...

TST, I think you might be able to help, Imsodone. Take a look.

I understand it would be best to move on for her and I. But I love this woman and I will continue fighting for her. Ill do my own things and better myself and see if she comes back. She loves me so there is always hope. Just like a week ago or so when I went out to eat with her friend when I was having that rough day, my W went ballistic! She cares...


Ill be here waiting for her, I love her and im going to fight for my M. Please continue helping.


Will continue to work on Zach and Zach only, I can only change my future not hers at this point.

Reason I asked a few of those questions was for the psychology aspect of this. As her actions are so different and not really like her. Thats why im guessing this is a phase and she will eventually crumble. She cant keep living like this. Everyone is worried about her.

Zach,
I just had to pop in to encourage you some. I've read part of your thread and I know the pain you're feeling, I've been there. You've been getting some very good advise here.

I am a completely recovered BS. We're a bit different in that you started this by cheating in the first place and I'm sure you've heard it said before, "you shall reap what you sow" thats from the bible.

The fact is, your marriage is on the rocks and it’s taking on water fast. The good news is, facts are subject to change. The truth however can not change so lets take a look at the truth...

You have stated that you have accepted the Lord and you are now ready and willing to turn your life around. That’s called "repenting" and that is a huge start in the right direction.

The truth is what God says and He says you are now a”brand new creation, old things have passed away and all things become new..."
You are the light of the world, the salt of the earth because Christ now lives in you. God now sees you as perfect in His sight, not based on anything you've done but based on what Christ did on your behalf. That’s why God now sees you as "perfect" because he sees Christ in you, washed clean with His blood.

I said all this because you need to start seeing yourself the way God sees you, perfect, holy, blameless in His sight. Read the book of Ephesians and you'll begin to see yourself in that light.

In Proverbs it says that "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.... therefore, guard your heart with all diligence because out of your heart will flow every issue in your life." In the past, you saw yourself as a sinner so you went on sinning and look where it got you.

Now you are a brand new creation (truth), old things have passed away... Start seeing yourself in that light. Keep persuading your heart, (which really is your subconscious realm) your heart doesn’t think, it only responds to what ever has been placed there. It’s like soil, what ever you plant, that’s what’s going to grow. You can either plant good seeds or bad, its up to you.

All this is going to help you change things about yourself in a positive way. The more you see yourself the way God sees you, your heart will begin to change and "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he..."

This is what your wife needs to see and it wont happen over night. When she sees or hears from you, she will start to see a "brand new you" and HER heart can then begin to change.

I know some will disagree with what I've just said, saying that its a cop out to say I'm now perfect, after what I've done in the past. But you know what? What I've learned, I've applied to my life and it has changed my life.

I'm praying for you right now... Father, you said that all things are possible through you. I pray that you intercede in this marriage and soften their hearts so that healing can begin. Father help Zach to see himself in the new light that is only possible though your Son so that he can make positive changes in his life. Father I pray that this OM begins to see the error of his ways and departs from this marriage right now. Father thank you for loving us just like we are and I pray that your love will begin to flow through Zach in a new way that only causes his wife to respond with love in return.

If anyone agrees, please say AMEN!!!

Hang in there Zach, that’s why it says in the bible that "when you know the TRUTH, the TRUTH shall set you free"

God Bless,
SH

AMEN.



Thank you for that inspiriation before I head to bed, it brought a tear to my eye and give me hope cause I know the lord will take care of me either way. When you read my thread please do post, good or bad I wanna hear it. Thank you again for that, it was beautiful. We are all Perfect in gods eyes, he can forgive us all by accepting him in our lives.


God Bless YOU.

Good Morning, Sitting here at work bored to death. Hope all is doing well. I can say im doing alright. Church tonight!

Here's a great place to start improving yourself. Since you are bored at work (and seem to be often), look for something to do for your employer. Look for tasks that may not be a part of your "job description" but still need done.

My husband owns his own business and is always impressed when employees find something to do to contribute when work is slow. Remember, your employer IS paying you to be there. He does deserve an honest day's work.

Even if he says it's OK to just hang and be on the computer, he will be impressed with your initiative and motivation if you use your time there to contribute.

I agree but I get paid off of commission. I get what your saying though, I did clean my office out this morning and disinfected everything due to everyong being sick all of a sudden lol.

My job involves me dealing with the public and being on the computer. We are slow today which is unsual, and geeze is it cold outside. With windchill it feels like 10 degrees!!!

Is there trash that needs emptied? Counters that need dusted? Floors that need swept? Coffee to be made? Papers to file?

You could ask your employer how you could be helpful today. Tell him you really need to keep busy and would like to be more help to him.

If there isn't work to be done, you could start working on this...

Tools for Handling Conrol Issues

Ill see what I can do,


Frozen- Unfortuantlly cant view that here at work due to the stupid website blocker, Ill make sure to read it tonight when I get home from church.

I have a small proverbs book, I like to read it when I get bored sometimes.

A big problem with me and my W when we were married was funds. I had a problem with spending crazy money on my car and motorcycle. And she paid a lot of the bills. Granted she didnt have car payments ect. cause her parents bought her car for her (they have money). So my W always paid the bills, I paid some also but for the most part she paid for them and I didnt really realize how big of a problem it was till all of this happened. She jumped me a bunch of times during this seperation about that. I feel very bad. As I mentioned I have a credit card I really need to pay off.


I make good money so I finally got my priorities straight I yesterday I paid the MIL $700 on my Credit Card. She was very impressed, maybe she will pass that on to my W. Ive been saving my money and im going to finish putting my new motor in my car and im going to sell it. Should be good for 30k or so. Im also selling my bike, another 10k there. Maybe she will see the changes and im being a lot more responsible now.

"Just like a week ago or so when I went out to eat with her friend when I was having that rough day, my W went ballistic! She cares..."

Zach, she may still care... but when you make such choices, in order to get the pay-off of her anger as assurance for youself that she still cares, then you are proving to her that you haven't really changed. The same incident that signaled to you that she cared, signaled to her that you do not care, that you haven't really changed at all. There will come a day when you will use this tactic to get a reaction from her but will no longer get the reassurance you seek.

Is this partly behind your reason for cheating on her in the first place? Did it bring you some of assurance when your cheating hurt her? Is hurting her, seeing her hurt reaction, what it takes for you to feel loved? If she had left you the first time you cheated, would you have told yourself that she just didn't really 'love' you then? In what ways did her staying with you in spite of your cheating stroke your ego and help you feel 'loved'?

What if she is now wondering if you really 'love' her enough to be hurt too?

You have to accept the fact that IF she still has any feelings for you, it is not because you are entitled to her affection anymore. Your desire to make yourself feel better, and to even do something that will hurt her in order to achieve reassurance for youself, is not going to be interpretted by her as something positive.

I know she has become involved with an OM... So you may be telling yourself that it's OK for you to spend time with women, with the added bonus for yourself that she may reveal some jealousy? That may seem fair to you but it doesn't really work that way. You are still married to her and you are still hoping to reconcile with her, right? That's two very important reasons for you to not spend time with any other women regardless of what she may be up to.

It is not even advised for the posters here who are BS's to start dating before the divorce is final AND (not OR) they no longer have any desire to get back together with the WS. But in your case, you are the WS, so it is even more important that you refrain from dating until the divorce is final AND you no longer want to restore the relationship with your BW. And this has nothing to do with what she is up to and with whom.

You already have so much working against you, Zach: all those betrayals you committed, you're both very young, you weren't married very long, etc.

IMHO your BW has already given you far too many chances and opportunity to prove yourself.

You need to give up some tactics that have served you well in the past for getting what you want. Stop trying to make her jealous or angry in order to assure yourself that she still cares about you. If she's smart she will need to see you stop that before giving you another chance.

Do you really want her, and only her? If so then stop pretending that any other woman will ever do. If, on the other hand, some other woman could substitute, then IMHO she's better off without you. Again, this has nothing whatsoever with her seeing an OM herself now. Your task is to prove to her that she is special to you, so special that no other woman will do, AND so special that even if she cheats on you with the OM (like you cheated on her) that you will still want ONLY her.

Consider carefully the messages you are sending to her with your actions, Zach. You cheated on her several times yet she was willing to give you more chances... But now that she is involved with an OM she is watching to see how forgiving you will be of her, how long you will hang around waiting and fighting for her, how quickly you will just replace her with an OW...

She may be just trying to make you feel jealous... or trying to get revenge... or honestly trying to move on without you... Or she may be testing you to see if you really want her specifically? Or will some other woman do?

Being cheated on causes a woman to feel as if her man desired the OW more, that she's not special to her husband.

Is that true Zach? Is she special to you or not? She needs to know the answer to that question. BOTH your words and actions (NOT reactions) need to consistently convey that she is.

Is this just about making Zach feel better in the short term? Or is this about making her feel safe and loved enough to give you another chance? Are you going to continue to play games with her just to give yourself quick fixes or are you capable and willing to be her hero?

IMHO she already endured too much in order to give you second, third... chances. She's suffered hurt, fear, anger, loss of self-esteem... because of your selfish choices. She doubts you will put up with much discomfort for yourself just to keep her in your life. Will you stand by her and your marriage even though she is now involved with an OM? Was her love for you stronger than your love for her? Do you consider her feelings less important than your own? She's determining the answers to those questions by what you say and do.

I make good money so I finally got my priorities straight I yesterday I paid the MIL $700 on my Credit Card. She was very impressed, maybe she will pass that on to my W

Still expecting something from your W aren't you?
You want it to be noticed by your W, so you really didn't do because it was the RIGHT thing to do. You are expecting a payout. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Im also selling my bike, another 10k there. Maybe she will see the changes and im being a lot more responsible now.

And still more of the same.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

You aren't getting it Zach... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Have you not caught on yet?

committed