It wasn't with OW, as in one of his previous APs. It was a friend of his and his wife's and they each talked about their relationship problems. A huge no-no and almost always the first step to an EA.

Zach,
Her question there really had no right answer, but even so, I would have picked my words more carefully. Those bolded words are often used as a justification for infidelity by someone who believes no introspection or change is necessary.

Now, I know that is not how you meant it, but when I read the transcript, that is the first interpretation that came into my mind. I discarded it for the real meaning, but the point is that I thought of it at all. While your wife most likely understood what you meant as well, the turn of phrase most likely caused a brief surge of negative emotions.

Talking on the phone is harder, but on IM, you have the luxury of thinking very carefully about what you write.

Ahh yes, Not the best of words to use there but didnt know a whole lot more to say. I agre one time thing isnt a good way to put it. We havent said anything to eachother after that, shes still online though.I wanted to bust out a ? about the guy shes seeing but I refrained from it, I figured it would be better that way.

Well, it's worse than that. If you think about it, none of your points address her concern.

Let's see, you already had gawd-knows-how-many affairs, and here you are trying to regain her trust, going out with single women, and when she asks if you like the woman, you don't say a resounding NO!, you give her reasons for why you can't have a relationship with this woman - "I am married", "she is in a relationship", "she is leaving town".

Heck, given your past history, if I were your W I would assume that you would have a relationship with this woman if she were not going back to school.

AGG

I understand yalls point. My W knew we were ahead of time, she said it was fine. I got a friend to go do something with me and got out of the house for once. Didnt realize it was that big of a deal especially with her "liking" this new guy. I know my past history it makes it hard to believe my intentions.

Which is why you need to choose your actions such that they would never be questioned by your w. You are simply giving her more and more justification for having her affair, since she can take solace in the assumption that you are doing the same.

AGG

Zach, my advice to you would be to purge the phrase "It was just..." from your vocabulary.

You can substitute this one: "I was wrong..".

PK

AGG- I see going out with a friend wasnt a very good idea. Like I said I didnt go out to make my W jealous, I did it for something to do and to get out of the house, thats why my W was asked before hand. Did my W get jealous? I think so, I mean you can easily tell. No that doesnt make me feel good, and no it isnt my intentions to play games. I guess even though I did something so wrong that I didnt realize at the time, it shows she cares about me. Im still here for my marriage and to become a better person, sorry for the let down.

Zach,
I say this in a completely light hearted and joking way, but you will learn that when a woman says fine, it rarely means fine!!

I think the accepted meaning of "fine" is "Go ahead if you must, but you will pay for it later".

Andrew- I chuckled when I read that, so true.

Did a random search on Myspace being bored tonight and came across my W's. She just made one yesterday and omg her picture kinda scares me. She has always smiled cheek to cheek in EVERY picture ever. This one she doesnt even have a smirk on her face, kinda scary you can see the hurt and sadness almost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


And her Martial Status says... In a Relationship


Unlike mine that says Married.



Been doing good this week, just a small downfall tonight.

Probably wouldnt be a good idea but on her myspace she changed it and talks about without god in her life blah blah. I had a message typed about her turning her back on god what shes doing right now but that would be a big arguement im sure and not a good idea. Sorry that just makes me wanna say something so bad. Cause last time she aruged with me for a while about it.

"
Its DeeDee here... Im 20 years old and graduated from CDHS... I currently work at a bank right now but thinking about going back to school for nursing or something else not really sure yet... cause once I think I have my cards in line some obstacle comes in my way... which brings me to lifes difficult..very.. but Ive made it through some hard stuff recently and its only made me stronger but by my friends and my faith in God allows me to keep going and hold my head high and to never stop smiling... it was just easier when we were kids and skinned up knees were the only thing that caused pain.. now its broken hearts. I feel that I can do anything I set my mind to! I love summertime all because of the BEACH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> "

Zach, why are you posting about your wife yet again? What's more, you're giving private details about her on the board, such as the high school she attended, etc.

Do you think that is right? Did you consider her feelings, or is this all about you?

PK

Yea Im at work now and I was fixing to say yes that is dumb of me acting like that once again. I saw it and I let all those emotions and thoughts come back to me.

I actually had a message typed to her on there but I decided not to send it and I was acting stupid and it would do nothing but lead to an argument probably.

The beach and the god comment is what got to me. The met this other guy at the beach before I had the A. And the god comment, shes the one turning her back on god right now. But im going to shut up cause its the best thing to do, and what I need to be doing. Like I said I saw it and all the emotions hit me, im glad I didnt send that message. Like I said, imma shut up now and worry about Zach.

It's good that you edited your post, Zach.

Now that you know that reading your wife's myspace is hurtful to you, the best thing to do is to stay off it. As you discovered, it's very tempting to enter a comment, and the next time you look, you might not be able to stop yourself.

Find something good to do today that will take your mind off your wife's life. Upthread someone mentioned volunteer work. You want to stay BUSY.

Edited to add:

You said,
Anyone else's walk with G-d is really not your business, Zach. It's your own walk that you should stay focused upon, don't you think?

PK

I agree but my W has always been a strong christian and went to a christian school for 6 years, and she claimed shes not doing anything wrong in the eyes of god when it comes to her and this OM. We argued about that and she said her sunday school teacher said what she was doing is right, that frustrates me.

yes the myspace is very tempting, I think im just going to block her so I wont look at it. The OM put his privite, im glad he did. Cause I know its going to hurt when I see him on her top list. The thing that struck me hard was the beach and the "In a relationship" when mine says married LOL.


It was just a trigger when I saw that I guess, which brought a lot up on me. Yea im glad I deleted my message, it wouldnt have brought any good. Tonight I have something to do which im excited about, going racing with a buddy in his car tonight, I should have fun. And im at work today so that kills time.

Its not the nights that hurt me anymore, it was reading some of the stuff on the myspace page is what brought all of this back, I will block her though and not view her page cause I dont wanna see the comments they may make to eachother, I know im going to be so tempted to look at it every now and then though. Its hard not to, ya know?

Oh Yeah, and that freaking song...U know the one that goes...

"Its too late to apologize"

LoL, good song to describe me huh?

That is my daughter's favorite song at the moment - she's your age.

Very smart of you to block the myspace. No good can come of viewing it. You need to tune out things like the Sunday school teacher and his/her opinions. In a marriage, what counts is the feelings and actions of the spouses - no one else is relevant. And you can't change other people, you can't change your spouse, you can change only yourself.

So stick with Zach. There's plenty there to keep you busy!

Have a good time tonight.

PK

Thanks PK!


She just got online, You know that song by Sugarland (Stay)?

I have that on my away message, I guess thats a way I can show her I still care and want to be with her without really contacting her.


And yes- I can only change myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. The myspace thing was a bad trigger for me and hit me hard after I been doing so good. Its going to be very very very hard for me not to view it, ya know? Thats like having a million dollars in front of you and saying not to touch it.