Hello BA.
Let me first state where I agree with what I understand to be the thrust of a couple of your arguments :
* There is little tolerance in some quarters of opinions that do not align with MarrigeBuilders principles on these boards. It can look like totalitarianism.
* People who advise contrary to MB, particularly with some confidence or even arrogance can be jumped on hard, quite quickly by some board members.
That said, I think it may be useful to explain why this might be in my opinion. You are at liberty, of course, to print my opinion off and use it as hamster bedding, completely up to you.
Firstly while in a post-modern worldview everyone creates their own reality, and so every opinion is equally valid, in practicality , not all opinion or advice if of the same quality or likely good effect.
Dr Harley's MB constructs aren't his opinion, like my opinion of reality TV shows , or of vegetarian chilli. He is an acknowledged expert in the field of relationships, and particularly building marriages. He has a half century of empirically tested and annotated experience to draw from , not to mention all the academic sources competing and according that he has access to as a respected expert in this field.
Yet, if all this wisdom was inaccessible to hurting folks in the throes of infidelity, or not usable in their lives, his tenets would likely not be so strongly advocated on these boards.
It is that Dr H took this huge body of study and personal counselling experience and distilled that into a set of highly accessible books (and many of the concepts and resources available free of charge on this site)that even the emotionally crippled could apply and derive success from.
Most of the "barefoot doctors" on these boards are people who were once destroyed by infidelity or other marriage problems, and who applied Dr Harley's MB tenets into their own situation to great effect.
So in summary, the people who advise here have every reason to advocate MB principles not because they're one-eyed or paid by the Harleys, but because they truly believe that this is the best way for those afflicted by infidelity to proceed.
your quote :
Keep in mind, I used the word "might," NOT "will" or "chances are" or "likely." Might could mean 30%, 10%, 1% or even .00001% chance.
You (or Dr. Harley) used the words "Most affairs don't end a marriage," NOT "ALL affairs..." which means that some affairs might end up as marriages.
In conclusion, we both are right.
Is of course true, but does the tiny demonstrable chance of your advice working out make it the best advice to give a person ?
Let me put it another way - imagine ( God forbid!) you visited a two advisors to decide upon a cancer treatment :
One, a cancer specialist doctor advises " resection and six months of chemotherapy "
Another person , inexperienced and untaught says "just leave it, cancers can go away on their own".
Who gave the best advice, BA ? Because there are some few documented examples of cancers disappearing on their own, is that good advice when there is a PROVEN well indicated plan of action available ?
Even though the resection and chemotherapy course doesn't always work, is it REALLY equivalent advise to the well intentioned opinion of "best diagnoser" ?
Dr James Dobson says in "Love must be tough"
The fastest horse doesn't always win, but you should still stake your money on it".
On these boards Dr H's advice, along with compatible advice from other experts like Dr Dobson is what is deemed the " fastest horse".
We are not a bunch of folks who show up, declaring expertise in a subject and pontificating as happens on many internet forums. On these boards it is truly peoples LIVES and VERY SOULS that are at stake when we advise , and there is no place for vanity advising IMO.
So you see, BA, you show up here with an arrogant "sobriquet" offering advise that is quite clearly at odds with what many veteran posters KNOW to be most effective, claiming your opinion has parity with Dr H's half century of expert study.
There is CERTAINLY 1% indignation that "BA hasn't earned her wings how dare she post so confidently?" in the criticism you have received, but BA you are advising that which many of us KNOW is likely to make bad situations worse.
Who would you want advising your kids if they were in trouble : people well versed in a proven resolution, or people who have a strongly held opinion without the benefit of study or application ?
Well many of us feel very "parental" to the poor broken souls who show up here on a daily basis and it chafes us badly to see poor advice offered at people's most vulnerable and needful time.
You have been advised to study MB and Dr H's principles before you advise. That is GREAT advice IMO. If you want to advise here, nobody can stop you but surely you would not want to be responsible for bad situations getting worse by giving out uninformed opinion as advice ?
Or, speaking as candidly as only an internet stranger can, if you want to be queen bee of some forum somewhere and be held high as a smart person, despite you not really having more than "opinion" to support your case, find a board where the outcomes are less visceral and existential than this.
I have tried to explain here why you have wandered into "hostile territory" BA, if I can help to explain further, just ask.
