I need to know if you would consider this an affair, or how I should be reacting to this....

I found out last week that while my Sister in Law spent the night at our house after a party (my brother wasn't able to come with us) the next morning I went to take a shower and apparently my husband got up and went into our sons room where she was sleeping to tell her he made coffee, somehow, his hand ended up on her stomach and going south....this lasted for approx. 30 to 60 seconds and then he walked away...she felt the need to tell my brother, which of course resulted in me finding out. She was a willing participant in this from what I understand. I guess he realized what he was doing. THEY DID NOT HAVE SEX

He has shown genuine remorse as has she. He claims he doesn't know why or how it even happened as he isn't even really attracted to her. He can't answer any of my questions. Of course, I was completely devastated. We have been married for 7 years and have 3 children. I would have never thought this would happen. He has always been very trustworthy. And now this...I am so hurt and confused. I don't know what to do. I have to look at her for the rest of our lives....it's not like I can just walk away. My brother seems okay with everything, as long as it never happens again, but I don't know if I can be that quick to forgive and forget....I need some insight PLEASE!!!!!!

Uh-uh. Something else is going on here. I'd bet there's a history there. Maybe even just the night before (at the party?)

You found out because SHE told... not because WH admitted. Maybe you should start doing some snooping?

He did that while you and your kids were in the house? Imagine what he would do if you weren't there and if the OW is not related in anyway to you or your family. Something more has happened.

Yes, while we were in the house. They both claim that this was the first time....I so want to believe him. Truly this is not who he is. He is a good man and a good father. I kept asking him if he was still drunk...Like I said, they did not have sex, he just "touched her inappropriately"....I seriously don't know what to do....

He is not being honest about what happened. This was not a "mistake," but premeditated, planned behavior that probably has happened before. You will get nowhere here until and unless he comes clean so the problem can be addressed.


I am puzzled by this comment. Is there some suspicion that he ever DID NOT realizse what he was doing? Is he mentally retarded, mentally ill, under the influence of some mind altering drugs like acid? Can you clarify what you mean?

What was her reaction when he did this to her? Did she move his hand? Scream? Come out and tell her H? What? How long afterwards did the truth come out?

If he continues to refuse to explain, I would ask him to take a polygraph. You are not getting the full truth.

She did nothing....She allowed him to do it, which is why I say she was a willing participant. She says she didn't know what to do-was confused. She told my brother that night - last Sunday, then my brother wanted her to call him and tell him he knew, so my wh called me at work to tell me this.

What I meant by that comment was, part of me thinks he must have been temorarily insane or something, that he realized what he was doing and walked away instead of it going any further.

I love this man, like I said, I have never had a reason to doubt him...thought we had a great marriage, blah blah blah

If I had a nickle for everytime a BS said this, I'd be a rich woman! Why NOT ask him to take a polygraph as ML suggests? His reaction alone should be very telling.

I know, that's why I included the blah blah blah part....Cause this is what everyone says and it almost sounds stupid.

He said he had no intention of ever telling me because he didn't want to hurt me. Knew that it would never happen again. He has apologized profusely, said he can't imagine his life without me and the kids in it. I told him I wish he would of thought of that before any of this happened.

He would take the polygraph....

You are NOT getting the whole story. How can she be a willing participant in something that "just happened" Is your husband in the habit of rubbing other woman's sex organs without a leadup? (flirting, getting the red light) At the LEAST there was some kind of flirting that lead your husband to believe that she would be receptive. At the most they are having an affair and something triggered your SIL to fess up something. Keep asking questions and talk to your brother. I suspect he has the same concerns you do.

Your SIL a willing participant?

Not if she was sleeping and it took her 30-60 seconds to wake up.

~ Marsh

SW:

I think a polygraph might be a good suggestion here.

Your H walks into a room, and "touched her inappropriately"

And SIL never said a word? And all this happened while you were in the shower?

What if YOU were visiting your IL's and this happened to you? What would your response BE?

1. If you were awake, when it happened, I would like to think that some shouting would occur.

2. If you were asleep, then you might have potential Rape charges to file against someone.

3. And if you were awake, and you were willing to go along with what your IL was offering, and you really didn't mind what was happening, it sounds like WHAT did happen between your SIL and H.


Your H had a serious breach in his boundaries. Even if SIL ASKED him to do it. HE should have just said NO. That was a cookie jar he could NOT put his hand into. This is the issue to address long-term with your husband.

"How could you allow yourself to do that? And what are we doing to grow and learn what are proper boundaries?

LG

Unless, he thought she was passed out/sleeping soundly, and could touch her w/o her waking up.

~ Marsh

sadwife,

I don't think you've gotten the whole truth either....and there IS an explanation....one that he may even be hiding from himself. Frankly, if he isn't attracted to her, I actually find it more troublesome....because it means that he reacted unscruplously when the opportunity presented itself....despite not being attracted and despite the fact that this is his SIL. If that's true, and it's "situational"....he has an impulse problem....and that's kinda scary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If he really can't explain it....how can he prevent it? How can you ever feel safe? The answer to "why" is there somewhere. It could be previous history, fantasy or impulse control....but it's something and you can't address it or protect your marriage without knowing just what "it" is.

I would suggest having him committed to a mental institution if he is criminally insane, even temporarily. If he is so insane that he does not know he shouldn't molest sleeping women, then this is a matter of protecting society from him. You do realize that "temporary insanity" requires that he be sequestered from society?

Also, I do not blame your SIL. She did not volunteer to be molested, MADAM. Being sexually molested by your temporary INSANE BIL has nothing to do with having an "affair," so lets not indict her only because she was too _______ to scream and ****** slap him for assaulting her. She was sexually assualted and if it was me, the police would be called with charges pressed. I believe what he did would be considered sexual ASSAULT in most courts of law.

Ya know something here was eating at me. I find it MORE disturbing if it happened just as the 2 party's say it did. That is a sick violation of his SIL. If he could do this, what else is he capable of? I know if I were SIL and things happened as she said they did I would not want to be around this man again and I wouldn't want my family around him either.

Your brother is ok with his sister's H feeling his wife up as long as it doesn't happen again? Does this make sense to you?

Sadwife, I think you ought to encourage your SIL to press charges against your H.

He molested her.

And if it was truly his first time, maybe it would be enough to force him to get some help, so he doesn't molest anyone else.

Do you have daughters?

~ Marsh

Have you talked to BIL and SIL personally? Or are you just getting your info from your husband?

sadwife,

Women react differently to being touched inappropriately....some yell and scream, some freeze up, some keep it a secret, some tell....most feel humiliated afterwards that they didn't react the way they think they should have. BTDT Again....it worries me that he proceeded "impulsively" (not out of attraction...but ENTITLEMENT)....which shows a lack of control that I find really troublesome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />