I swear I am not blaming her....but is it fair to assume that he molested her when she never said such a thing. Again, she told my brother, not me. She called my WH and told him that she told my brother. My WH then proceeded to call me and tell me everything before anyone else could tell me what happened.

Just so you know, I am NOT TO BLAME here. I am truly confused and don't know what to think. I guess if she said for one second that he 'molested' her, I would have a different attitude, but she has never even eluded to that. So, yes, then maybe I am wrong, but right now, until one of them tells me different, they were both involved.

I'd want answers to the "somehow"-- who did/said what.

Trust me, I want answers too. I think I am going to call my SIL and ask her to explain it to me again. Now that I've had some time to process it and I have a little clearer head, I might be able to hear her and understand what happened. Also, have I mentioned that she has apologized profusely to me? Why would you apologize if you weren't involved in any way? I don't get it?

Come on... none of us have enough information to make this kind of assumption at this point. I'd want to know EXACTLY what was SAID/DONE the night before AND that morning after he told her about the coffee being ready.

Exactly!!!

She couldn't live w/ herself for not telling.

Your H told you she wasn't to blame. Why don't you belive him?

~ Marsh

Yes you are blaming her: Your exact words were:

"I am not blaming her, trust me, I think it takes two...I blame the both of them."

And yes she did say she was molested by your husband. Walking in a room and grabbing a woman's crotch while she is in bed IS MOLESTATION. It is also considered SEXUAL ASSAULT. I don't care if your SIL called it a DOG FART, her description of events is the definition of MOLESTATION.

Your SIL was not "involved" in being molested, sadwife, unless you are now telling us that she INVITED and WELCOMED his molestation, and I don't believe she said that.

Was she apologizing that she had to tell you this about your husband OR was what exactly was she apologizing for? Did she say specifically?

It is really sad to see you grasp about to look for ways to blame her, sadwife. Why not follow my suggestion and call Dr Harley on his radio show? You can get him now at: 888-606-1776

He is a licensed psychologist and can give you an opinion about whether or not he thinks your H is insane.

The night before at the Halloween party my SIL was all over him. Giving him lap dances while he was playing poker and just generally being a flirt. At one point he told her to go away so he could finish his game. My husband's friend emailed me the next day and said "can I get the cowgirls phone number" so obviously others saw it to. My friend came up to me and said "what is she doing to your husband" and I passed it off as "it's just her" no big deal. My friend told me to be careful......she does have a reputation. I don't know exactly what was said in that bedroom the next morning, I only witnessed what happened the night before and it was almost as if she was daring him. She thrives on attention and she would be the first one to admit that. My brother is not an overly affectious person and that is a strong need of hers. So she gets her compliments elsewhere and acts out because she doesn't get that need met from her H. This is all stuff that she has confided in me.

well, that settles that, the b1tch DESERVED IT!

I think this paints a clearer picture but you still need to get the details from her. If your WH assumed the next morning that "she wanted it" and did what he did uninvited, then it WAS an assault. If your SIL continued from the night before and was trying to start something the next morning, then they were both wrong.

Either way, you need to get the truth and then go from there... starting by calling into the radio show as ML suggests.

How is calling a radio show going to help?

People often apologize for things that aren't their fault.

I'm so sorry, Sadwife.

See?

And often victims feel shame after they have been victimized.

Perhaps your SIL is still not clear about what happened to her.

That's very common.



Your H told you it was all his doing.

Why don't you believe him?


~ Marsh

Speaking to a PSYCHOLOGIST will be very helpful. Dr. Harley, the founder of this forum and author of the MB books will talk to you. You can tell him this situation and get his opinion.

Okay, I think we are getting caught up in the semantics here. Either your WH:

1) Molested her.
2) Had an EA with her and the OW immediately felt guilty when it first got physical.

With the Halloween night info, I'm more inclined to believe #2, but guess what - IT DOESN'T MATTER! The prescription is the same. You need MC and to establish better marital boundaries. What if she didn't eventually push his hand away? I bet that they would be sneaking around screwing each other right now. What do you think would happen if some coworker started flirting with your WH? You betcha, he'd start putting the moves on her as well. You need to get to MC and start working on your marriage now. If your WH refuses, he can stay somewhere else because it is best to do this now before he find another relationship to jump to if this one starts becoming difficult.

On another note, your brother's WW needs to stop being friendly with members of the opposite sex and inviting OM to pursue her. They need counseling just as badly.

Because either way you need help in your marriage...
Once you're armed with the TRUTH, then you can decide what you want to do. Dr. Harley can help you with that.

((((hugs SadWife))))

What our fellow MBers aren't getting and that you're not able to verbalize is you're feelings of betrayal by your H and SIL.

I see it clearly. If H did molest your SIL against her will and she told her H (your bro), then why in the ever living he** did she call your H, who happens to be the "violator" in all this, to let him know that she told her H. Why didn't she call you instead, once she told your brother?

It definitely leaves room for confusion on your part. If your SIL truly didn't have anything to do with H's behavior, then she would've called you instead of him.

Listen, I'm 5 years out from dday and I had a similar situation. You need to get each person's version of the story without giving any info about what you've been told. Get your H's story, your bro's story and what she told him, and your SIL's own story. Write down what they say so you don't get confused later on. Put the pieces together based on that.

It looks like SIL and H are hiding something (maybe past flirting, etc) by her telling her H and then your H that she's spilled the beans. SIL's discussion with your H before she told you could be part of a cover up for their behavior, like they agreed to say that x,y, and z happened.

Honestly, either they're both lying to you, or your H is a sociopath.

Sorry to T/J, but now I've got to take care of my own situation. My h is in a world of sh1t since I've read the responses to this post. I will be getting some advice from you long-term MBers once I get more facts and post my story.

Jewel

This is what I am talking about, your radar was up. Does she behave like this often? You said in an earlier post the family knows of her behavior but they chalk it up to "that is just her" Your family needs to STOP condoning this outrageous behavior. I am absolutely floored at her behavior and shocked at your reaction. If ANYONE was giving my H a lap dance they would BOTH be walking funny for a week. She was wrong for doing it, he was wrong for letting her and you were wrong for condoning it. NEVER let this happen again with ANYONE!

A good man doesn't let another woman give him lap dances. Let alone in front of his W, family, and friends.

Were your boys there?



I'm glad he finally found a point in which he finally asked her to go away...

too bad he didn't value his M and family more than he did his poker game.

A good man, Sadwife?

~ Marsh

RMJ, we very much understand her grief and betrayal, but we also understand that staying in DENIAL is not the solution to the problem. We also understand that there will no solutions until the TRUTH comes out. Sadwife is rationalizing her H's actions ["temporarily insane"] and demonizing the SIL, who we know did not ask to be molested. There is alot of denial and spinning going on here that will prevent her from resolving this problem.

Nor do I think that the SIL calling her H first negates the fact that he walked into a room and molested her uninvited. It doesn't change what happened.