Considering that your WH got caught instead of confessing, I would not believe his claim that the adultery has ended. You did not suspect or uncover the adultery, right? Somebody else told you, right? So to continue as you were, minus your WH having to become more accountable, minus him writing a no contact letter to the OW stating that he no longer wants any contact with her and chooses you instead of her, then why would you feel that you can trust his claim that he's ended it?

I also agree with the others that his ability to take this all so calmly is probably an indication that he is just being more careful now to hide the evidence. Either that or he doubts you will start checking up on him or make him prove he's ended the adultery. And if you have not required him to provide any proof that he has ended it with the OW, and have not required any accountability from him, then why would you assume that he has made ANY changes whatsoever? He might be laughing at the informants and saying something like: 'see, I told you my wife wouldn't care - she's not going to stop me' He may even be bragging about how you trust him blindly, telling the informants that you don't even believe the info. (BTW, if he admitted the adultery just to keep the informant from giving you some evidence, go ahead and get that evidence from them!)

I would also like to add that no doubt your WH has picked up on your belief that accountability in marriage would be an indication that you have some sort of 'jealousy' or 'snooping' problem. He has exploited your unwillingness to check up on him. And even now, he's apparently confident that you will simply continue to trust his word that he's ended the adultery - the same adultery he lied and denied until threatened with evidence, BTW.

It sounds as if the people who informed you of the adultery had additional evidence that has not been exposed yet? (Your WH hurried and 'confessed' because they threatened to show more proof?) If that is correct, if there is more evidence that these people can give you, why not get all the info? If I were you I would contact those people again to find out all they know about the adultery, especially since you know so little and your WH is telling you so little. This in NO WAY would be a wrong or inappropriate thing for you to do! Failing to gather all the info you can about the adultery, allowing your WH to continue as is without any accountability or proof that he has ended it with the OW, would be irresponsible if you really intend to fight for your marriage. I would even go so far as to say that your failure to require any accountability in the past was a factor in enabling your WH to become involved with the OW. I'm not blaming you - there is no excuse for adultery - but it is far less likely to happen in a marriage that has accountability.

Right now you can't afford to allow any adultery enabling factors because your WH will surely exploit that. What you're dealing with is an addiction. You don't simply believe it when a crack addict claims they've stopped smoking crack - ESPECIALLY if they were exposed instead of confessing, are not showing any withdrawal symptoms, and have not agreed to being accountable to others.

One mistake I made with my WXH was to believe that he would appreciate my trust in him, that someday he would acknowledge what a good trusting forgiving woman I was to take him back and trust him again... No doubt he appreciated my failure to expect proof that the adultery had ended and changes to ensure it would never happen again... he appreciated it because it enabled him to have several affairs, and to extend the affairs after discovery.
That was the ONLY evidence of his 'appreciation' that I ever saw!

FWH here (hold the 2x4's please)

Comments you've had so far are pretty bang on. To your original question of does WS feel hurt the answer is yes but not how you might think. And it comes in 2 stages.

Stage 1 when the A is discovered and NC begins the WS feels an immense amount of loss, depression, etc. towards OP. Sick but true. At this point WS is still in the "fog" of self-created delusions that justified for them why the A was OK and "not about" the spouse. The WS will definitely want to ignore the A and the past and try to pretend it didn't exist and just move on ... but they should be displaying some level of unspoken hurt.

Stage 2 comes later when real NC has been in place for some time (and varies as other have said from a few weeks to months). When the withdrawl is well underway and the "fog" lifts, the WS should begin to see the A for the reality it was ... nothing more than lies and deceptions. They begin to realize that while the A was underway they re-wrote the history of their M to justify the A. The hurt is now not felt towards OP but moves to self-loathing and immense amount of guilt for causing this level of pain to their S.

Since your WH is displaying neither I would tend to agree with others that it isn't over at all.

You do need to insist on complete transparency ... any resistance to that should send up huge waving red flags for you.

RU,

Hey, just chiming in here. Given the fact that he was caught (did not confess) and that now, he is showing little emotion over it, I think he is most likely still in contact with OW.

I know that makes your heart go right into your throat for me to say that. And it is not my intention to make you panic needlessly.

My intention is to give you the benefit of my experience and try to SAVE you from a whole lot MORE pain.

RU, when they get caught, a lot of times, they just bring it further "underground." Then you end up in what is called around here "false recoveries." I had one. It wasn't any fun because then you just have to start ALL OVER AGAIN.

Check, SNOOP, Expose. I know it doesn't feel right. I know it goes against your grain, but let me tell you, I wish I would have done it more thoroughly than I did.

100% agree. Additionally, while it seems like it would be more painful to find out more stuff. It actually is quite a relief to get to the bottom of this mess and find out what you are really dealing with. It was a relief to finally have an explanation for all these "weird" things that had happened.

Along with snooping, I suggest being erratic. I don't mean crazy, I mean mix up your patterns, change your mind about things and then observe the reaction. When WS go underground, they thrive on (among other things) your predictability. Some examples. Out of the blue, decide to wash the WS car, inside and out, cause you wanted to do something nice for them. Surprise them at work for lunch. Have things suddenly come up for them to help you with. Have things you were planning to go do, suddenly fall through.

RU, I can answer only for myself. I stay away from generalities, since what I feel may be very different from your (F)WS.

Does the WS hurt - the WS is the active affairee. I hurt, and had twinges of guilt. I pushed them away - successfully at first. It's called compartmentalizing. But the twinges became more insistent, and eventually couldn't be pushed away, which was the signal for me to end things.

The FWS has immense pain. An analogy would be watching your house burn down and seeing your spouse in the burn ward covered in bandages - all because you were playing with matches. You didn't intend for your spouse to get injured, but intent is immaterial. The reality is the injury from infidelity is as real as a 3rd degree burn.

So what can the FWS do to mitigate the pain of her spouse? At first, truthfully, not a whole lot. The shock is too great. When the shock wears off, the FWS can take action, by becoming an open book with regard to phone, email, whereabouts. The FWS must do this willingly, so the BS is not reduced to snooping. Patience with the BS is required. Lots and lots of patience.

Hope this answers your question.

PK

I had a great fear of snooping, for I felt it would END our M. I was worried that he would find out and leave, never to return again. I was afraid of doing anything to anger HIM; I was desperate and afraid.

You may not feel this way, but if you do, please begin to examine the alternative of living in a M of THREE. You will suffer so much more pain without taking the power that you have to change things. You do have POWER in this RU. Please take the precautions to protect yourself and your family from further harm.

You may find it empowering to take control and responsiblity for your safety and peace of mind. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

RU,

Please listen to the many folks here who took the time to respond. They care about your situation and they understand the pain infidelity causes.

Recovering a marriage that has been damaged by infidelity is a very long and very difficult process. It isn't easy and it isn't fast so you need to decide if you even want to try. No one here will fault you for deciding to simply end your marriage. As a BS you have the right to do so.

If you do want to save your marriage and have an even better one, then there are things you will have to do. No, it isn't fair, you are the victim here, but that doesn't change a thing.

You can choose to ignore the very likely prospect that your WH is still involved with his OW. There are things YOU can do to bring his A to an end. Ignoring that it is still going on isn't one of them.

Read this site carefully, it will guide you, but do not imagine it will be easy, it will be perhaps the toughest challenge you may ever have.

Trying to recover your marriage or not is strictly your choice. But it will require some effort either way on your part.

Who

Thank you all for your replies. I don't really know what to say, but I have read everything you have all written.

There is just so much reading and so much work that the BS has to do...after being hurt so badly, I just don't know if I want to work that hard. Especially since there are no guarantees in life that it won't happen again.

This site and all the others I have read state, "Gee, you have to change in order to be more attractive than the OP." Well, I already know I am not and will never be as physically attractive as the OP and I certainly don't have the fund to get plastic surgery.

I am early into this and much of what I'm saying is the hurt talking...I just wish the hurt would stop. Hearing over and over again that it will, but it may take years, just isn't reassuring.

Probably most BS's feel or felt the way you do. I know my confidence and self-worth was in the toilet for a very long time. My W had several A's in the span of two years that was all I could take. I had been 'plan-Aing' as hard as I could ever since the first d-day all while feeling like dirt.

Our counsellor told me not to try to "become the OM". You need to be the best *you* can be but do not focus on competing with the OP in any specific ways. I don't think becoming "more attractive than the OP" is exactly the point of plan A.

I don't know how to better explain it but maybe others can chime in. Just don't sit by and ignore this or it will get worse and worse.

I do believe the WS hurts-especially the ones that express 'relief' when the affair has been exposed.What tangled webs they must weave-I would hate to be one. Living a lie 24/7, trying to stay one step ahead. What a burdon some must carry.

But that does not mean we have to piggy back the WS-or be the one that does all the work-

I would not personally plan A-but for some a well excecutioned plan A could work and work well, even if a marraige does not survive.(side benefits)

The truth is it is OK if you don't want to work on your marriage, I do not believe anyone here would begrudge you for that. it is your choice. You can or you can't.

Peace

Max

RU,

One thing that I needed to have "beaten" into me, was this A is not about US. Oh most definetly we made mistakes that allowed the A to become a possibility, but the real truth is that there is some "deficiency" in our wayward that would allow them to do something so hurtful.

When my D-day happened, my WH told me that we didn't live a healthy lifestyle - (made it seem that she did - now know she is a crack addict with hep c), and that he didn't want to be married to his best friend anymore, he wanted someone he could desire and he had no desire for me b/c of my weight. I was 327 lbs. As you can imagine, I pictured this OW to be tall, blonde and gorgeous, b/c he also told me they met and it was instanct attraction. Remember, don't listen to their words, look at the actions.

The truth is - she is shorter than me, and fat, just as dark as I am and as one person said "rode hard and put away wet". Please don't let your insecurities rob you of becoming the woman G-d envisions for you and realizing that you are G-ds greatest miracle and don't need to compete with a skank who would cheat with your husband.

One a side note - I have lost 76 lbs and figure I am about half way there.

I hope that makes sense.

SG

Dear Road,

You as the BS w/b going through stages similar to stages of grieving. Happens to most of us.

What is important is you spend some time doing some recovery work for U 1st. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Read SAA, HNHN and Giver/Taker.... all by Dr Harley.

See if both you and your H will take the EN Questionnaire

Then call Steve H @ MB for a recovery plan.

From what I read, your H isn't in recovery.....yet. He got caught in a way he couldn't deny. He is taking the cowardly way out but don't confuse that with recovery.

In true recovery, once the BS has completed a good plan A, then the real bulk of the recovery work will be on the Xws. The BS gets to watch most of the time and gain closure. The Xws on the other hand has to work to regain their status as a valued family member. He has to work hard since he abandoned that place in your hearts. He has to work on regaining your trust.

Trying to get all to just 'forget about it' is ludicrous to say the least.

Learn the difference between a real need vs reverse babble.

As a BS this is the time to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

The reading isn't that hard. You may even find it enjoyable. It will certainly help reduce the pain.

A consultation with Steve is worth every penny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.