I can't be much help toward your wanting to rebuild your marriage. Mine ended permanently last April. She is seemingly much enjoying her second relationship since we separated. She hurt me badly-said things I yet find difficult to understand since we had sixteen years together.The man who said wives tend to rewrite history to justify wrongful behavior is so very true in my case. It was mind blowing to listen to her version of those 16 years at the end. I loved her deeply. Then I hated her with matched intensity.I am certain I would never love her again.
We have a daughter-soon will be 17 years old. She-the daughter-is greatly influenced by her mother.She, for the most part, only contacts me when she is need of something no one else is able or willing to provide.
Anyway, to the question 'is it worth it' to try to rebuild a marriage when infidelity has permeated the foundation of the marriage, my answer would be no. I am not willing or able to set aside the betrayal to reach a place where I could make the effort to restore the marital relationship. In my case, though the heat of my anger and hatred has cooled, these emotions will always be present beneath the surface. There was much deceit and dishonesty leading up to her announcement that she was finished with me.I only hope to live long enough to see her get her just deserts.

Thankfully, this site is filled with people who answer that question 180° differently.

It is worth it if you build a better marriage than you had before and many people can and do.

Hi, I'm quite a junior member here and am struggling with my own problems to stay sane.


But HS, if I were in your shoes, I would say yes to rebuilding the marriage. I would try to fight with everything I have for the children and for my spouse to come back.

If you read the threads posted here, you will be amazed by how so many marriages which seemed so 'hopeless' had turned out so well. Follow the MB advice very closely and I do hope that you'll be rewarded.

Thanks for the encouragement. I am trying but I struggle heavily. I do not know if I will make it.

HS & LC,

This is a heavy struggle...you don't have to know if you'll make it to do so.

You just gotta believe you'll make it today.

It's reasonable to confuse feeling crazy in what is an insane situation...please know you are not.

Plan A and Plan B are designed so that the BS can grow and thrive regardless of what happens to the marriage. They really work...the concepts here are not for doormats. They're for self-respect and ownership.

Use them. You can do this. There's not a single thing wrong with you. Sure can feel like it. I remember.

LA

i remember my moment in August 2004

it was awful and my prayers are with you

if you want this to work plan A is the place to start but with that said you still need to stay vigilant and keep your eyes open

as you read alot of these threads, a vast majority of cheating spouses don't give up the other person as easily

it's normal for her to have a tough time giving up a man she has been seeing for that long so expect the NC thing to have some bumps along the way

this process will take some intense fortitude on your part in order to make it work

We,each of us, has a perception of what the eventual outcome will probably be in our unique situation. Mine was based heavily on her past with all of the relationships she had had before we met. I instinctively knew she had set her course and wasn't going to alter it.She said things to me one wouldn't easily say to their worst enemy. Anyway, in my case, I wouldn't be willing -or able-to consider restoring the relationship we had.It would take a lengthy post to provide all the details of our sixteen year marriage. It is enough to say it was fraught with problems from the beginning which should have been confronted immediately.

And I am speaking only for myself concerning rebuilding a marriage once infidelity has entered into it. I guess when you feel you invested all you had and were into the marriage only to find the one you loved and trusted was wanting another there isn't much purpose in it.Or maybe I have gone insane and don't know it. It's quite possible.

I do know I have hated her as intensely as I loved her. Those here who want to rebuild and restore I wish them the best success. The best of marriages is hard work. To take one from the murky world of affairs and unfaithfulness and make it into a meaningful, green and growing union, is harder still.

Finally, I strongly believe you have to have the raw materials to work with to justify the supreme effort it would take to restore and rebuild a failed marriage due to infidelity. If,after a carefully taken inventory,they aren't present then all the effort in the world won't yield a viable organism. And you have to know without a doubt you can put the infidelity behind you if you intend to continue the marriage. I could not do that.I think the day will come when I can forgive her. But I know that will never mean I would be willing to trust her again as I once did.I overlooked things during our premarital preparations which I should not have done. It was foolish to say the least.

Now, in all future relationships, I will not subordinate my limitations or my expectations in order to continue it if it doesn't progress with mutual respect and consideration. I know the notion of courtship is archaic but I clearly believe in the value of it. Marriage would have a far greater chance of success if the pair learned to wait and work through the issues of simply living life to see if they are able to function as a unit in the process. In my case, marriage following a one and one half or two year courtship is much preferred to a sixteen year failed marriage. As far as feeling like you're going insane; I believe we all have that in common. It's just part of the rending which takes place in divorce. The stormy seas will subside. It doesn't hurt to look to your Creator for strength and clarity in the midst of the confusion and turmoil.

This pain is just so immense. My whole marriage was a complete lie. This is absolute double betrayl. 3 months into my marriage. I was never even given a shot. I struggle to find meaning to my life. I wish my daughter was not in the middle of this. Did I even have a marriage. If I did not is it worth saving nothing?

What do you want to do? What are you doing? What is she telling you and what is she doing?

I am unclear. I know I am trying too fast. I want it tow ork but I feel stuck in that she does not totally get it. She is trying to be nice and meet my needs but I feel like I need her to feel it more. I know she will NEVER be able to repay or totally understand what has happened to us but I am trying to be patient for her to understand how bad what happened really is. That will help me move forward.
I am trying to make it day by day. making it to work and struggling the whole time.Focusing on my daughter and I in moments that dispair does not hit me.

I felt similar, still do in some ways. I don't think most WS truly comprehend the damage they cause, if and when they do, it certainly doesn't happen quickly.

You've got alot to process, its going to take time, and you don't have to make any decisions right now. I suggest you read the book "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring, it brings some clarity and has a really good section for your W to read. I don't want to give the impression that I have been able to achieve or even really understand forgiveness, I have not, but that book probably helped me more than any other. "After the Affair" and "Surviving an Affair" were also helpful.

Take care of your little girl, you're running a marathon, not a sprint, let things come to you instead of trying to make things happen.

The pain is as you say it is. It will lessen in time. Believe this.

I, too, had a child with my former wife. It definitely complicated matters during the marriage and makes putting the failed marriage neatly away much more difficult. Now you will have to work to to let her know you still love her and she in no way is responsible for the marital discord and possible dissolution.

And, as you question, you may not have had a marriage.You may have thought it was without her commitment to it.

I wish you the best whatever direction it takes.