Hey Big K,

I was trying to respond in order, but since you're leaving soon, I'll reply to you now:


CONGRATULATIONS! Glad you've made it to 25 in spite of the A!!!! {{{{{Big K and Mrs. Kahuna}}}}}} Thanks for all you do an say to help here on MB.


I just got back from vacation and I hope you have as great a time as we did. I was off the boards for a week of the 10 days we were gone. After only 3 days, DH and I had some challenges (I'll share later on my recovery thread). He notices when I'm not reading/posting on MB. The incident happened on the anniversary of D-Day #4. We're still early in this recovery process, but you're right....MB works, especially if you combine its concepts with God's wisdom.

Thank God for His direction....and for Dr. Harley's outreach through MB. Both are what inspired this poem.


I seldom see poetry here so I can't compare what you meant, but thanks for the compliment. (This was my first post on the poetry forum and I didn't read any others.)

Again, thanks and congratulations (and have a great trip!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Acey

Hi Lillyloo,

So glad you've found MB again....without the Affair Alien driving you back. (I hope).

Just curious about your previous name. If you dont' want to say, please share the dates that you posted as your previous 'self'. I've only been here 10 months but others may recognize you and feel grateful that they've helped you and you're still doing relatively well.


So do you have a thread on one of these forums that shares your 'new challenge'? Please link it for me and others so we can glean insights that may have helped you. If you'd rather not, I understand, but I (and possibly others) am/are interested.

Did you see the Enabling thread? Also, Froz's thread on Freeloader/Renter/Buyer has some excellent insights that may help you.

Again, thanks for your kind words, LL and for coming back for a little boost in your 'new and improved' marriage.

So glad to hear from you, LL. Hope other recovered veterans will meander on back, too. We rookies (and newbies) need all the 'time-tested' help we can get.

Ace <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Great poem, Acey. I thought it and didn't say it when you first posted it. I'm amending.

LA

Yes, for sure. It's a HARD road and working so hard with your S at something that is so very difficult adds a level of closeness and intimacy.

FWH's affair has gotten us talking about things we never discussed before...on a wide range of topics. We are just beginning to reach a level of intimacy that we never even knew was possible, and I believe we have only just touched the surface.

We are "dreaming" out loud together now. We share our dreams, visions for the future, things we hold dear, and try to figure out how we can help each other reach them.

I, for one, am really beginning to see the wisdom in working hard towards finding mutual happiness...wanting myself to be happy but never forgetting about H's happiness either...knowing that *my* happiness will result in happiness for him as well, and knowing that *his* happiness will result in happiness for me, too.

We still have a long ways to go...doesn't everyone? Isn't that what marriage is about? It's a constant work in progress, but rather than just kind of "hoping" it would all work out, like we did before...now we see what we almost lost and are beginning to cherish it even more. And the "hard work" doesn't seem quite as hard anymore...it's all in perspective, because we almost lost it.

"...on track" is perfect way to put it, Acey. I believe ours is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the smile, Mark. It's not often that you reply to me without saying a word. I'll take that as a compliment. Glad you liked (I'm assuming here) my poem.

Also, thanks for linking your fishing thread and the musing thread to your sig line. Both have been helpful for my DH and me in our recovery. (Hey, that rhymes...!!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Acey

Hi RIF.....I think you've probably logged off now, but I wanted to reply to your kind words about my poem written while I was on vacation.

It's so frustrating when you know what's happening but you can't stop the slide in time to avoid the LB's. I just keep gettin' back up and so does my DH. He's very helpful and I know we're going to make it. But the first year was soooooo tough. Hopefully the second will be more constant with less slides down that slippery slope of pride and selfishness and anger and demands.....and unrealistic expectations. (Jeez, no wonder it's sooooooo dang slickery!!!!~~~> is that a word? it is now!!!)

Again, thanks for all you do on these boards, RIF. It has been such a blessing to have you here, even if it means you are separated from your precious family while deployed.

And thank you for serving our country as many times as you have. I'm sure that sentiment is from more than just me.

Acey

[color:"green"] RIF....hope you've seen my response to your post re: this poem. I'm doing a few replies at a time in the order they were posted. It could be termed 'delayed bumping' but it works to keep the poem on page one a bit longer so others can hopefully be inspired!!!![/color]

SHATTERED DREAMS:

I truly appreciate your perspective:


We're early, just completing our first year of what seems like 'real' recovery....so your comment gives us added hope.


It's tough when I ask the hard questions to address this. At first, FWH thought I was prolonging the pain of his realization (how he's re-written our M history), but with time and MC and MB, he is willing to try to explore 'what went wrong' with us. Now, he even brings up comments of his own without my having to prompt him.


Doncha wish that MB principles were part of a required class before getting engaged and married? I do!



I agree that MB helps us cope with the inevitable "Life Happens" stuff.


So glad to hear this, SD. Steady and slowly works for me, too. It sure does make for a memorable ride, but one fringe benefit is that we are better equipped to help others endure this recovery rollercoaster, too.

Thanks for your response and best wishes to you, too, SD.

Ace

Hey Acey!

Thank you for the kind words...

I'm glad that you're here too! You bring a lot of fun to the recovery board and I'm glad you let me work the Night-Shift for you!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi Princessmeggy,


Thanks!


Just 'is'. I know what you mean. We are early in this recovery stage, but the honeymoon has not yet ended. I've posted on the Enabling thread that I just discovered what a controller I must be. Now I'm trying to become a 'recovering controller'.

Interestingly enough, my realization came after a very civil confrontation and discussion without lovebusters. That's a new phenomenon for us....discussion without LB's. And DH is denying that I'm controlling him, but he does not argue with my examples.

Hmmmmm....this is still way better than our 'before'....which, like yours, 'just was'. (And it WAS NOT pretty at all.)

Glad yours is better, too PM. Please check out the Enabling thread when you can.

Thanks,
Ace

Hey Acey! I replied on your other thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey ChaiLover,

I just saw Chai tea in the store today and thought of you. Glad you liked the poem....Thanks for your kind words. Hope you're able to experience true personal recovery, whether your WH defogs in time or not. You're worth it.

Ace

Hi Bob,


I know that this is true, but many of us fail to realize it because we're often too self absorbed in our misery to recognize it in our spouses.


Soooooo true. Thanks for this perspective.



This means so much to me. Your 2006 posts were very instrumental in my decision to register here on MB, Bob. (And it was when you were taking a break!) Thank you.

Ace

Ace...

Thanks for your reply. I just wanted to add what I forgot in my first response....very thoughtful poem. Sums up exactly what many (all?) of us go through, hopefully with an outcome that we desire.

The most important lesson I learned in this whole process is that our marriage was very much in a rut of very poor behaviors. In many ways. So many that our work is still cut out for us daily. In essence, we were living individual lives, regardless of our spouses' feelings. We each forgot to put the other first in so many ways, and changing that focus alone made the most difference in our progress in recovery.

We both exercised "selfish demands", but did so in silence, with little or no discussion. That led to fights and lovebusters after the fact. We had tons of fights, and they were ugly. Now, putting each other first, minimizing our own selfish behaviors, has eliminated the lovebusters. Now we discuss, rather than fight. We are closer to each other than we have been in years.

So I guess in our case we've been somewhat lucky, in that we had two major projects to face. Ending the affairs and all that comes with that, and, fixing the marriage, which included a host of different efforts.

Worth it? Absolutely!

Thanks for all your contributions to these forums. You have as many posts as I do, and you've been here less than a year! That takes a lot of dedication and effort. Those efforts will not go unrewarded..... Happy Holidays!

Hi LC,



So did he venture on over here to read it yet?


You have been such a positive influence on these forums, LC. Thanks for sharing your experiences and perspective. Glad you liked the poem.

Ace

Hi LA,


It means alot to me when you affirm something I have done. I'm so glad you liked my poem. It was quite therapeutic to write it on vacation. (And I read it to DH as soon as he got up.)


And I apologise for my delay in acknowledging your post. I really try to reply propmtly to people who post on any thread I start. But for some reason, I'm doing about one-a-day on this thread. (I called it "delayed bumping" to RIF.)

Again, thanks for caring LA. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Acey

P.S. I cheat like mvg....I use these forums for additional ENs (admiration). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

So glad to hear this, MF. WE are all a work in progress, some individually, some with our spouses, but all efforts will hopefully produce results better than what we had before. At least we can be 'on track' for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Acey

Ace,


No and I don't think he is going to. I am OK with his choice because he is talking to me. That is not something he has always done.


Thanks Ace. DH and I have had some positive things going on and it feels good to finally be where we are. I sense a great deal of comfort on his part based on things he has done recently and something I haven't seen since before d-day.

LC

LC, so glad to hear this. Have you considered starting your own recovery thread? I would love to hear what you've discovered from pre-A days....or you can email me.

*****

Shattered Dreams,

Thank you sooooooo much for your kind words.



Often, I feel like I'm only helping myself by posting, but just today, SMB said something that just makes my day. (Details on her "now eating my words" thread.)

True confession, SD. I get my EN for Admiration met here while my DH is learning how to express his admiration for me in his own way. Having posters say things like you did is something DH has not quite recognized yet...he will, but posting helps me be patient and also helps me keep things in perspective.

Another confession.....I'm addicted to this process and must physically force myself to log off and get to work. Which I must do now as I've been late 2 days in a row. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Again, thanks,

Ace

Hey RIF,

Me let YOU work???? Who are you kidding? You provide a great service to many of us insomniacs on your night shift. I'm so thankful you offered to do it. It's so nice to see/hear a calming voice of reason (usually <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) when things seem sooooo stressful.

I see your posts to folks like Charlotte and mvg and am very grateful. I know you'll be there for many more.

THANK YOU. Hopefully more veteran posters who have Ms that are "Beyond THE BEFORE" will pick up the slack when you're on R and R and when your deployment ends. It is a ministry effort that just keeps on giving.

Acey

[color:"red"] NOTE: I'm repeating Verse one here now that Verse two has been completed; hence the title change. [/color]

Sexymamabear and tst have inspired me to write a poem I posted on the poetry forum about my DH's and my recent challenge in the middle of our vacation. I've taken a week off MB, but DH has encouraged me to post....so I am.....during vacation....while DH sleeps.

My inspiration is from smb's comments that her M with tst seems to be on track to be better than before.

I've named the poem "Beyond THE BEFORE". What the heck, instead of retelling the story, I'll just paste the poem here, too.

*****

Beyond THE BEFORE
(New & Improved...in Spite of the Asinine Alien)

by Ace

Here I sit…
A year has gone by…
That asinine alien refused to just die.

I left on vacation…
No time for MB…
That alien returned to my husband and me.

It brought with it selfishness,
Anger and pride…
And ambushed my H as we went for a ride.

It felt like regression
Just like D-day 4…
Back when I gave up and then showed H the door.

Some false expectations
A selfish demand...
Propelled the exchange which then got out of hand.

It stirred up more love busters,
Mean things were said…
It’s scary what aliens can do to your head.

Our MC was gone
And I’d been off MB…
We sought God’s assistance, He’s never failed me.

The power of prayer
And time to discuss…
Revealed just what forces had overcome us…

Eventually coolness
and logic prevailed…
We soon learned some causes for why we derailed.

He seemed so defensive
And I gave up hope
But together we clawed up that slippery slope

My H was so broken,
He shared such remorse…
But I owned my part for what got us off course

And as tears were flowing
“I’m sorry” was said…
And soon an idea came for this new thread

“Beyond the Before…”
Our marriage improves…
…in spite of that asinine alien’s moves…

…and NO, I’m not thankful
for my husband’s A…
…despite it our marriage is better today

Our MC says broken bones
take time to mend…
But scar tissue makes them more strong in the end

So now that our marriage…
…has suffered the scars…
…from asinine alien attacks on what’s ours…

…We’re learning to recognize
alien wiles….
…and building more passion in spite of its trials

We’re getting resilient,
And loving much more…
Thank God for our marriage Beyond THE BEFORE

~~~~~(continued below)~~~~~~

After I wrote and posted this part of the poem, my DH lied again.......a year after D-Day #4 when we began our recovery.

(Details on the Smiles & Trials 2 Thread)

The following post has the next part of the saga. Hopefully there will be no more. Time will tell. Thanks for sharing.