Hi all,

I am new to this forum and am sure I will gain a lot of insight here. I have a lot to spill out, so please bear with me...

I was married for about 8 years, together with ex-h for 13. I divorced him when I found out he had a year-long affair with a co-worker. Although we had some issues in our marriage, I was relatively blind-sided by the affair.

Only a few months after my separation, I met my current SO. We have been together about a year and a half. Although he has an extensive dating history, I am his first truly long-term relationship, the others all under six months or so. There have certainly been some growing pains for both of us- for me, adjusting from a marriage that ended with infidelity and beginning a new relationship so soon, and he, transitioning out of bachelorhood.

The first seven or eight months were fantastic, of course... typical honeymoon period. Then, our differences became more glaringly obvious. He had more of a partying lifestyle in his past, and he lied by omission to me about some illicit drug use. Once discovered by me, it all stopped, and I have no doubt of that.

I thought all of that was behind us, that we had addressed the fact that I expect full disclosure in a serious relationship, that no matter what the truth is, it is better to let me know than to hide things. My ex-h's infidelity wasn't the reason I divorced- it was the year of lies and cover-up; I knew I could never trust him again. I do not want to be in another relationship in which I am constantly wondering if things are being hidden from me.

Months go by and no new issues, things are looking up. Then, SO drops a bomb on me. He admits that the year before we met, he was involved with a married woman. Although he thought she would leave her husband, he does recognize now what a mistake it was to begin something with her before she separated (and of course ultimately she did not leave her husband and left him feeling pretty used). From talking with him about the whole experience, I do think he has learned from it and now understands what appropriate boundaries need to be in place.

Yet I am having problems with the fact that it took him this long to admit this to me. I understand in the beginning it would've been tough, but he knew from the get-go why I divorced. Especially since I thought we had discussed keeping relevant things from each other...

I know I've painted him to have many issues, but the fact of the matter is he brings more to the table emotionally than any other man I have been with. I know he truly loves me and wants nothing but the best for me. I've never had doubts about his feelings for me, and I think it is his feelings for me that have kept him from being completely honest with me in the past- he's afraid of losing me.

I think what's at play here is that this is his first serious relationship, and he's never had to be as open and hoenst before with anyone. Yet for me, having been married, it's been a bit difficult to be the one going through his transition from bachelorhood with him. He has been amazing about dealing with MY issues (insecurities after being a "woman scorned"), however... and he was there for me during a pretty dark period. I do love him and want this to work.

But I am struggling. I am struggling with the now multiple omissions, and the fact that he was once involved with a married woman has been triggering me a lot. I'm not sure I can as easily confide to him about what I'm going through after my divorce.

I know this is rambling, but any insight would be helpful....

His "omission" was something that happened before you were together. You've only been together a year and a half. I say "only" because in the grand scheme of things, it's not terribly long. Probably he didn't say anything at first because he was ashamed of his own actions. Then when you had the full disclosure discussion, he might have been a little afraid to admit to something else beyond what brought on the discussion in the first place. He probably struggled with it for a while - do I tell or don't I (because honestly could you have ever found out if he didn't?). Eventually he chose to tell. I see this as a positive thing - a sign of growth. He has shared with you something from his past that caused him shame and that he knew you would be sensitive to. That also shows he has faith in you.

At least, that's how I see it.

Hill;

What are your boundries on the marriage issue?
Is separated still married?

I personally believe that you are not free to date or become involved with anyone until you are DIVORCED. And even then I think that makes you legally ready to date, but possibly not emotionally ready...

According to my standards -- you were still married when you became involved with your SO. So also in my view, I don't think you can judge him for being involved with a married woman when in fact YOU were a married woman when the two of you got together.

Just my opinion...you probably disagree...

Thanks you two for the fast responses!

Tabby- that is exactly how I WANT to look at it. Perhaps my being triggery due to him telling me the truth about this previous relationship is my issue... I AM glad he told me the truth, although it took him a while to do so. I am also trying to understand that... I hope with time I can.

Lexxxy, I do see the two situations as fundamentally different. The married woman he was previously involved with was NOT separated at the time. In my eyes, she was on the fence about leaving her husband (and who knows if that's really the truth anyway).

I, on the other hand, was separated and had NO intention of reconciling with ex-h. In my opinion, our marriage ended when he broke our vows and then chose to lie to me for a year about it. I was emotionally done with my marriage. THINKING about separating is vastly different than separated with ABSOLUTELY no desire to reconcile.

Had I chosen to wait to date until after my divorce was final, it would've been a year and nine months. I feel ex-h didn't deserve to put a hold on my life for any longer. I did feel ready to date at the time I met SO, but of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I know I entered the relationship very soon... but to me, that had nothing to do with still being legally married.

Lexxy, before you judge too harshly I've had some issues with the terminology myself. In my jurisdiction, a divorce is nothing more than a certificate issued by city hall to permit remarriage. The dissolution of the marriage and division of all marital assets occur upon signing of the separation agreement. In my case, I am separated, not "divorced", and I am legally and ethically free to date anyone I choose. I am seeing somebody and it is above ground in the open and nobody, least of all myself, considers it adulterous. Whether or not I'm emotionally ready for this - I'll probably find out in hindsight.

It's quite possibly the same situation for the OP. And that's not the problem she was posting about anyway.

Tabby brings up an excellent point. By the way, I'm not hurt when others disagree with me... I do want different opinions on my situation.

In my state, there is no legal separation. However, my divorce happened to take almost two years because my ex-h refused to come to an agreement, so we had to go through the court system. It takes months to schedule each court date.

That's another reason my current relationship is different than SO's past relationship with the married woman. Theirs was secret, no one knew of their involvement even though they were co-workers. She fed him the usual lines of having to announce more publicly her impending divorce... which of course never happened.

Our relationship is completely out in the open and everyone knew my situation.

I think it's the problem with web-based forums. There are people here from all over the world bringing their own local dialects to the board. As long as we all respect each other's POVs, then it can be a great opportinuty to get completely different perspectives.

im still in the heated divorce process so take this with a grain of salt because my WW still causes me grief but tbh hill... i'm not sure i could have a relationship with another person after he or she admitted to doing something which caused myself so much pain

imo, the person who can do that is the kind of person who could easily do it again

yea people make mistakes but it sounds like you got with a guy who is very capable of doing it again

charlie... yes, this is what I struggle with.

Add to it the fact that i know after the affair supposedly ended, SO was still in contact with her. In fact, I know that some of it was inappropriate... dating only two months before he and I met. So, this is relatively recent history for him.

He actually contacted her about six months ago through one of the internet connection sites. This to me does not speak of someone who truly understands the devastation he was directly part of causing to a marriage, especially while knowing intimately how infidelity affected me, his then girlfriend of almost a year.

I'm not sure what to do at this point.

the way you are wording it sounds like you already know the answer

i guess it depends on what you want out of this relationship

not sure if this was stated already but are you living together? when did he move in? was it his place or your place if so

you have been together for a year and a half and six months ago he contacted this woman. that is a blazing red flag.

i honestly don't know what others think about electronic snooping but i am in favor of it under certain circumstances. have you ever tried installing a phantom program or is that against your beliefs?

it's not something you should keep on his computer for long but over the course of a few weeks you could learn alot. again, it's a tough decision to do something like that

You are missing the big elephant in the room. The big pachyderm is not that "he does not truly understand what devastation he was causing to the woman's marriage", the mastodon is that he contacted her after you and he have already been dating for a year, showing that he did not understand the concept of monogamy. If I need to put it in clearer terms, here you go - your BF was cheating on you, if not physically then emotionally.

Now, add to that the surreptitious drug use, the fact that he had an affair with a married woman, and what is it that you are uncertain about? If he is trustworthy? Do you really need to ask?

AGG

No, we do not live together, alhough he talks about doing so in the near future. I still need to sell my marital home as part of the divorce agreement, so I have some time to think things through.

It's so hard when you see the good in people, the possibilities. I don't want to CHANGE him, but he really has some growing up to do when it comes to figuring out how to be part of a couple, and not living like the single man he was his entire life before me.

I love him very, very much but I am just tired. I am not sure I have it in me to be the one to guide him through this. I felt like the parent in the latter years of my marriage, and I don't want to go through that again.

I get frustrated with his cluelessness (for lack of a better word), and he gets frustrated that I'm frustrated.

The fact that he was part of an affair is difficult for me. This is a man I have shared my deepest thoughts with about what I went through, all the while not knowing this history of his.

The drug use.... I am not sure how to handle that. I think the major issues are dealt with but it's not entirely out of the picture.

I am in my mid-thirties and want to have a family (no kids with ex-h). It makes it that much harder to klet go of something that you want so much to work....

agg did you have to break out the dictionary to write that?

:P



Hill,

One tough choice now could avoid alot of problems later and it only gets that much cloudier if you have children with a man you are having doubts about

AGG our posts crossed.

After I found out about continued contact with exes (although I didn't realize at the time this one was married), I told him how uncomfortable it made me given my history. I do believe that after that conversation, he has ceased contact. I didn't ask him to but he volunteered. It's frustrating it took ME to tell him it made me uncomfortable, though... he should've realized that contact, especially with her, was very inappropriate.

It's hard as he has done a lot of good things for me. He has b een very supportive in many ways, and loving.

I just don't know if he's the right partner for me. This kills me.

So why are you dating him? Just because he loves you?

AGG

Yup, all crossed up!


Precisely, that is the elephant I am referring to!


I have yet to see a happy marriage born out of such doubts. If you are so torn, you know your answer. As the best book I read on choosing a partner said, "trust your gut". Your gut can tell you things that you conscious part cannot pick up, but the subconscious can - that is why your gut is hurting. Don't ignore it.

AGG

The reason- he loves me?? That very well could be.

After the pain and betrayal of infidelity, that's a powerful draw.

I know, BTDT, that is why I asked. Unfortunately, that is what most of us have done by getting involved in relationships too soon after being cheated on and divorced.

Hill, when you do this, date someone because they love you, you are allowing someone else to be in charge of your happiness, and that is a very bad place to be. You apparently have not grown secure in being alone, or become the kind of differentiated person that you need to be in order to be in a healthy relationship. Maintaining a relationship with someone who is wrong for you only because they love you and that makes you feel good is a classic sign of codependency.

I would really urge you to examine your inner strength, and if it's lacking, to spend some time alone, growing and learning about yourself, your boundaries, and your ability to be happy on your own. Don't let the biological clock lead you to misery.

AGG

AGG, you are very right. I think deep down I know all this, but am in denial.

I was supposed to have my second individual counseling session tomorrow, but they canceled (I first went after separation and they told me I didn't need therapy, I have a good head on my shoulders and was dealing with everything so well... puhleeze). I am hoping if I try some therapy, I may learn some tools to help me navigate through all of this.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings!! ;-)

Hill,

You told us that you have spoken to him about your concerns six months ago when this contact took place or soon thereafter.

But have you told him that six months later, it is still bothering you?