Please don't disregard this. I think it is a CRUCIAL ELEMENT of the MBer's philosophy and program.

On the other THREAD, I tried to refocus on this CONCEPT and it got lost somehow. I encourage folks' thoughts and suggestions about how this can be conveyed in PLAN A without intercourse.

MY STUFF is not RELEVANT or IMPORTANT and I erred in talking about that. MY LIFE is GREAT now..others here are still hurting and wanting to recover personally and as a married couple.

I strongly have the opinion that this needs to be addressed SOMEHOW..BOLDLY and EMPHATICALLY.. in PLAN A if this is tops on a WAYWARD's LIST OF EMOTIONAL NEEDS....

NECKING is A-Okay.

I had sex with my husband during his first A; I then was concerned about STD's, but it was too late. I got tested and was fine.

How's about dressing that body up, making it visually appealing. This can AROUSE a response.

Touching is great, too, and can be even more arousing than the ACT itself. I think FOREPLAY is AWESOME. It's even better, IMO, than the intercourse itself, and can lead you to the same result.

It should be addressed in a healthy way. Have a conversation with your spouse. Let them know what you are willing and able to do..WHEN YOU KNOW IT IS SAFE.

IF a WS is NOT willing to secure the safety of the BS they are NOT worth spit.

People die because they engage in unsafe sexual practices.

Luck was on your side...it will NOT be on everyone else's.

YOU got lucky...nothing more.

This is a major hole not addressed by the Harley's in Plan A.

If I have a need for an attractive spouse...and I think you can only be attractive by having big boobs...would you get the operation? maybe....
BUT, how about if the doctor says there is a real risk of death due to a heart anomaly...and that surgery is very risky....still going for the operation??? Any BS that would is unstable...and, any WS that would request that she do so is a dirt bag.

Good Stuff...

I'm trying not to RUN from what I feel are your personal attacks, though, MEDC...

I don't like to hear you talk about my H as not being worth SPIT...I can't stay on here on the forum and listen to that...just an aside that might not matter to you...



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yes,
I believe I can embrace that aspect.

SF is a very high need for many people.

Seems to be especially high for cheaters ........otherwise there'd be no need for the sex part ......they could just chat and get their fix. But that's another issue.

Sadly,
I ended up looking at the disease factor kinda in the wrong light initially.
Sure I asked about protection (and about blew a gasket with the answer)......but then just for the most part blew off the implications
[cause "I" was looking for that connection, looking for some comfort, reclaiming territory .. as well as just the Raw Emotions made the sex quit intense].
So the post D-day sex was Great ........but the Lows afterwards were just as strong.

Plus add to the fact that I'd already been having tons of sex with my W while she was screwing the CLB [sadly some times on the same day].
With me being the sloppy seconds. Ick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

So ya kinda end up thinking ........."well, I've been doing it for years ....so I've either already got it ...OR there's nothing to get".

Yes I agree .......just cause the first couple of chambers haven't gone off in Russian Roulette doesn't mean the next one's empty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
But we all ain't thinkin quite that clearly in the beginning stages.

However,
back to your point .......yes, you can still have the need of SF met ......and It can/does help in the reconnection process.
So by all means Please use other methods to meet that need ......until you know your safe.
Probably won't be headed ...[as I didn't] ....but at least its more info to consider.

***********
mimi:
in your first sentence did you mean "don't DISregard this"??
Just wondering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

To be clear,
[to me] your other posts seemed to be saying something to the effect of:
"Don't bother warning people of potential diseases.....because it didn't happen to me .....so it must be OK for everyone, you'll be fine".

That's where you lost me.

Cause unfortunately,
I've driven drunk before.
Never had anything happen.

However,
I know first hand those who have hurt themselves, crashed and hurt others .., as well as those arrested and went to jail for doing the same thing that I GOT Away with.

So my advice would still be for others to NOT DO AS I DID ......even if I did get away with it and it worked out for me.

Dangerous behavior is till dangerous EACH and every time you engage in it.

I just wasn't getting why you seemed against warning people. That's all.
I get more of where you coming from with your further explanation.

******************
PS - I don't do it anymore [its been quite a while]...and have no plans to start up again.

OH NO!! I don't feel that way at all. I took precautions and I think folks should be warned. BUT, I do feel like the importance of the SEXUAL FULFILLMENT ISSUE should not be discounted. I should have made myself clearer.

I made the CORRECTION in the initial post. THANKS!!

Mimi...I am NOT attacking YOU...or your H. I don't KNOW that he said that HE wouldn't protect you.
I am making a general reference.

I will NOT attack YOU or your H Mimi. I may attack YOUR point of view...but not YOU.

OK. GOTCHA, MEDC.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, MEDC kinda pulled the same stuff on me a few weeks ago. But it's because dude really cares. I really believe that.

I do agree that it is important to meet SF... however, unlike what I did, you should use a little restraint. I went all the way, like a desperate woman (hey, I was desperate a few weeks ago) but I regretted it after because I wasn't even sure that H was having a PA or not.

I was running purely on adrenaline and instinct when I had sex with my WH. If I had MB at the time, I probably would have been advised NOT to 'go all the way'.

It would have been wise advice. Yes, OW#1 LOOKED clean, but who knows what could have been lurking there. HPV is VERY prevalent, especially in my neck of the woods (B'more), and can wreak HAVOC for women. It just takes ONE contact to have any number of STD's.

I, now, wouldn't do the horizontal tango with a wayward, but I would do what I could otherwise.

OMG, looking clean has nothing to do with STDs! But of course, you know that. I know that too, but the adrenaline, instinct (and sometimes downright desperation) will make you take down all your inhibitions. And, when it comes to SF, I have A LOT of inhibitions.

Oh, absolutely mbm! I was pointing out that many people still do go by the 'clean looking' rule. It's insane to think along those lines, I've always thought that!

Like I said, i was not in the most stable mindset at the time.

I just found a website that deals with affairs and they say that half of the people the coach after infidelity have an STD.



"We advise couples today that: The unfaithful spouse should get tested for STD's before you resume sexual relations. Your concern is very valid. Half of the couples we deal with deal with an STD as a result of the affair, so yes it's a rampant problem today."

And this directly from one of the coaches..


"In conclusion, yes you should be concerned about STD's and we recommend to couples who come to us today, that the unfaithful spouse be tested before they resume sexual relations in the marriage. Otherwise you do put yourself at a very real risk. I was lucky. I could easily have been infected"

And lastly this...

"In this traumatized emotional state, a logical thought process such as "I might get an STD” completely alluded me. As betrayed spouses, we all worry over different things during this time of trauma. The common denominator is the inability to make rational decisions in this heightened emotional state. That’s why it’s so important that we don’t make major decisions during at least the first 3 months following disclosure.

An extramarital affair has a huge effect on the couple's sex life. It goes either one way or another.

Option 1 - You can't bear to have sex with them again and whenever you try, all you can do is visualize them having sex with the other person in obsessive ways, and you are unable to enjoy sex with your partner, if you are able to have sex at all. It's a real struggle. In my experience, more people go this way.

Option 2 - You go into super sex goddess or super sex god mode. It's as if you are out to prove you are better in bed than the affair partner, and your sex life is better in a certain deceptive sort of way, but really not, because the pain of having to "prove" yourself is very sad, totally unfair, and in reality, misguided."

Let's stay on point...

How to CONVEY ability to meet the SEXUAL FULFILLMENT EMOTIONAL NEED....

IT is a PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEED..EMOTIONAL NEED..for MANY...

BTW, for US, NEITHER OPTION No. 1 or No. 2 was true..

Mimi..still struggling also to stay ON POINT here...although I AM A GODDESS...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Effect on our SEX LIFE?

More EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE than ever before...EYES OPEN....not at all JUST PHYSICAL....

I hear what both Mimi and MEDC are saying. I too had SF with my WH, several times.

SF IS a high EN with some people. But I'm sorry, that's one EN that would have to take a back seat if there's a risk of DEATH involved.

I think the issue here is WH was just that... a WH. My WH could have cared less about protecting me at the time. As MEDC says, he wasn't worth spit as a "WH".

However, in my frame of mind at the time, I was willing to do whatever it took. If he had been the man he is now or even before his affairs, he would have NEVER let me take that risk.

If I had found MB at the time, hopefully someone would have shaken me out of my stupor and talked me down from being willing to risk my LIFE in that way. You see, both of my FWH's OW were extremely promiscious.

My FWH and I were both very lucky. If I ever found myself in that situation again, no way would I risk it.

I'm not recommending that folks do WHATEVER IT TAKES...

What CAN BE DONE to COMMUNICATE and EVIDENCE the CAPACITY to MEET this EMOTIONAL NEED during PLAN A????

My H did WORSE things that showed that he wasn't worth SPIT during his A than have SF with me..but I'm trying not to go there...cause MY SITUATION..MAY OR MAY NOT BE DIFFERENT...

Regardless of our different situations, THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL NEED that has to be addressed...

BTW, things are different HERE..

During MY PLAN A, I first moved out of OUR BED after D-DAY and was recommended by FOLKS HERE to move back..and the rest is HISTORY...I don't remember being forewarned but I wasn't STUPID...again MY STORY..but that was about 5 years ago...

If the EN cannot be met safely...it should NOT be met at all.

The point has been answered in the only way it can be. The emotional need can be met only after it is safe to do so. Other things can be done in the meantime that do not put the BS at risk.

So, to stay on point, address the issue that I brought up concerning an attractive spouse. What if that is the numebr one need.