As a side note here....one of the things I've noticed over the years about the need for SF is that sexuality is almost always what I call a "compound" need. It's not just about pleasure. Most people who have a need for SF....also have other needs bundled together around it that "complete" the need. It can sometimes be different for men and women, but generally....people who have a strong need for SF also have a strong need for other needs that are "connected" to that need....specifically....Admiration, Affection, Communication and Attractive Spouse. For many men....the admiration is almost as important as the SF because it's all tied together with how they feel about themselves. Affairs feed their need for admiration every bit as much as they feed their need for sexuality. In many ways, the admiration and emotional intimacy they get from the A is even more important.

For someone whose spouse is still involved in an active A or post A when health and safety have not yet been established....there are plenty of ways to address the need for SF without creating the kind of risk that sex itself creates for the BS. A betrayed spouse can concentrate on the other bundled needs around it...safely...and with respect for self. Admiration is a really good choice for women whose husband's have cheated. Many men see sex as an expression of admiration for them. If a BS combines that with affection and works harder at being attractive....it's not the same as SF, but it does many of the same things without creating so much risk.

And here's another thing....What's almost import as the act itself is the desire to engage in it. I'm not talking about the BS here...but the WS. Enticing the WS to <want> to have sex with the BS (whether they get it or not) is very motivating. Many times, pre-A...A and post-A, the desire for sex has waned. The WS no longer finds their spouse attractive. It's possible to work on building desire without putting the BS at risk by "jumping the gun" so to speak.

I don't know if I'm being clear or not, but what I'm trying to say is that what is derived from SF is not just SF. SF creates physical connectivity, good feelings and confidence about self and your spouse, as well as affection and physical pleasure. With the exception of intercourse, all of those things can be achieved outside of SF until it's safe to be physically intimate again. You can create closeness and desire, you can even physically satisfy someone without throwing self protection to the wind.

Finally, the most obvious (or fastest) solution is not always the best solution. In this case, that's especially true because the most obvious solution is fraught with danger. But let's say that a poster has been ignoring their spouse's need for SF, witholding it, and now their spouse has cheated. The fastest way to get their attention might be to start providing SF....but that isn't necessarily the best way. Here's why:

a) It's sacrificial and doesn't protect the BS. Ultimately, that can cause problems later on of resentment or healthy issues.

b) It creates more power and entitlement for the WS. He/she now knows that in order to get what they want....their BS may need to feel threatened and scared....or desperate to keep them.

c) It can create disrespect for the BS. The WS can look on their efforts as pathetic and desperate.

d) It rewards horrible behavior.

e) It's a shortcut that can prevent the WS from understanding that dealing with the lack of SF CANNOT be addressed in such a destructive way. They learn to get what they want through negative means....and it reinforces bad behavior.

f) It's a temporary fix. It reinforces the idea that the needs of the WS are more important than the needs of the BS. It creates a false intimacy without the WS having to make restitution or compensation for the great ills they've done to the BS.

g) And finally, it can most definitely make a BS feel like a prostitute which in the long run will hurt their ability to continue to provide SF.

I'm glad it worked so well for you Mimi, and I'm sure it would work well for others too. But I think as an <early> recommendation it's far too dangerous to advise (to me) without laying the groundwork for real intimacy first: testing, honesty, end to the affair, compensation, regret, etc. Even if a BS is successful at turning their WS's head.....there's no guarantee at ALL that they will feel good about it within themselves. Real recovery has to take BOTH spouses into account....this strategy doesn't do that for me.

Which is probably what I'm doing myself. So please... can we return to the original discussion.

and the MORE people that have had an experience having sex with their WS that speak out will lull others into thinking they are safe...when in fact they are not.

and the MORE people that have had an experience having sex with their WS that speak out will lull others into thinking they are safe...when in fact they are not.

I have never read where Mimi tells anyone they should go have SF with their spouse b/c she did it and look how her life turned out.

Which NEEDS were you NOT MEETING?

I recommend that you have a goal starting NOW of BLOWING HIS MIND in the areas where you feel you were lacking...

THIS is what YOU can CONTROL...

ONWARD INTO BATTLE, KIM..who is NOT a QUITTER...

You have LOTS and LOTS of AMMUNITION...

IF you are denying him SF, STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY...in fact, instigate it..HE WILL RESPOND...I betcha...cause what HE REALLY WANTS is YOU BACK..rather than having this affair..especially if the affair is just beginning...I made the mistake of waiting TOO LONG and my H was FAR GONE..BUT despite that we have happily recovered...

Consider that your H MAY NOT HAVE SLEPT with this woman YET.

I advice you to do what you want to do with your life since you are a GROWN WOMAN who can make your OWN DECISIONS.