I've wondered throughout this entire thread why your anger, Krazy, is not directed at your wife. Regardless of what OM was her 'f@#$buddy', she apparently just picked the first biter.

Why is your anger seemingly on the OM and not placed directly with your FWW? I remember you stating how angry you were with OM, on your other thread, but never really heard you speak of that anger toward your wife. IMO, that is where you need to work on your R. You are not being honest with your FWW about her A.

I, too, wish you the best in your recovery. I know how difficult the anger is. I have my own set of issues with this to deal with.

I have expressed more anger towards my wife since d-day than I ever thought I would.

I had to choose to either keep a lid on it, or drive her away.

I've read many times that I should be more angry with my W than the OP. I disagree. I love her. I married her. I have never loved or cared about OP.

My W betrayed me, but OP was a total stranger who invaded my life. I could put him in the ground like a rabid dog without blinking. Maybe someday I will forgive my W. I doubt it, but maybe.

I will never, ever forgive the OP. I don't want to, nor will I allow myself to. He can live his life knowing that there is someone out there who truly hates him, and wants him wiped off the face of the Earth.

Call me dense....I'm not understanding how learning that "I could do awful things too" is supposed to help me.

Of course I could do awful things IF I choose to. It would never happen by accident or from sliding down some slippery slope. It would be purely malicious. Premeditated, well thought-out, and only for revenge and some strange.

I agree with this statement.

What I do not agree with is the fact that your anger towards the OM dwarfs that which you have towards your wife. SHE is the one that took vows with you. SHE is the one that was supposed to protect you. SHE is the one that most likely lied to the OM as to the state of your M. They all do.

Again, I will state that I agree with much that you have said...I do not believe that anyone could find themselves in an affair. It is a malicious choice. But YOU need to get hold of your anger and angst towards people here. You may or may not be right about certain things....but really, how's it working for you? I see a man that is in self destruct mode because his anger is ruling the day.

Relax. Develop a plan of action. Let God, karma or whatever else you believe in worry about the other man. Does he deserve to be buried...yep....does your life need to be ruined to do it? Nope. Let it go brother. He isn't worth it.

I'm not angry with anyone here...I will have to watch what I post more closely.

I apologize to anyone who feels I was angry with them. I realize they are only trying to help.

I agree with what MEDC wrote to you, Krazy.

I was going to post nearly the same bit about your wife being the one who is more deserving of your anger, as she is the one who promised to love, HONOR and PROTECT YOU. None of the things she did were loving, honorable or in any way protective. She acted in MALICE because she made these promises. The OM acted to get his d**k wet. The OM never vowed to do anything for you, and his level of commitment to YOUR family is NIL.

In my experience, my anger is with my FWH. Yeah, the OW are POS, but I don't live with them.

Kraz,

I just wanted to say that there are lots of different types of affairs, IMHO. One is, for certain, the type of affair where the WS goes out for sex-for-the-sake-of-sex. My FWH's affair was this kind of affair, and from d-day on, he never denied it.

As far as the anger you feel, maybe I can put it into words?

I felt like he was willing to trade our relationship in on something that meant NOTHING to him.

Which told me that I MEANT NOTHING TO HIM.

Our marriage, our relationship, our love, our entire life together, meant less to him than getting "some strange".

That hurt.


Maybe that's where all your anger comes from.


I think the anger at the OM in your case is misplaced.

It is possible for you to love your wife

and also be angry at her

for devaluing your marriage and life together.



You CAN love her and be angry with her at the same time.



It is in how you express that hurt and anger that makes the difference, Krazy. Being angry with her will not drive her away. However, if you carry that anger with you and fail to properly deal with it, then it will surely turn into resentment at some point.

And your marriage will fail because of your resentment.

You and your wife need to sit back down again. Talk about how what she did made you feel, about the anger still inside of you, about how it still comes and goes. About how you don't want it to be there, but that it still comes to you sometimes, although you fight it. That you need her to help you by loving you through it. Because you are confused by loving her and being angry and hurt by her at the same time, and you need more time to deal with this.

It isn't about the OM. Never has been.

It is about your WW. And about how the two of you deal with loving one another.

Go back to the drawing board, and talk to your wife about this issue.

SB