Dear Believer


[color:"blue"]I thought of you so much today
I went to God in prayer,
To ask Him to watch over you
And show you that I care.
My prayer for you was not for rewards
That you could touch or feel,
But true rewards for happiness
That are so very real.
Like love and understanding
In all the things you do,
And guidance when you need it most
To see your troubles through.
I asked Him for good health for you
So your future could be bright,
And faith to accept life's challenges
And the courage to do what's right.
I gave thanks to Him
For granting my prayer
To bring you peace and love.
May you feel the warmth in your life
With God's blessings from above

[color:"blue"]

[color:"red"] ~ by anon ~ [/color]

PEP!!!!

** sniffs and reaches for tissue ***

Nice to 'see' you.

TA

Believer, the man must be devastated now that reality has set in. He is poorer in every sense.

Hope your dad is comfortable and that your mum is coping. Take care. TT

Ex called again Sunday evening, get this, to offer me some money in case I need to fly back to Seattle to see my father again. My father is gravely ill, and has been for the last 2 years. My ex has known this all during his affair, and hasn't asked about my father for the last couple of years.

The crazy thing is that when ex's mom was at the end of her life, we spent EVERY weekend for over a year visiting and helping her. When I needed my ex, he had disappeared into his affair.

Last night he was crying and told me how sorry he was, how family is the most important thing in life, etc.

It just AMAZES me how completely ex has turned around. During the affair, I was just like an old, unwanted piece of furniture to him. He had NO interest in me, my family, or my problems.

Sure, I've made a lot of changes, but really what has made the difference is that the affair is OVER, and he is done with withdrawal.

I explained again that there is no chance to date or get married again, that I'm happy with my life. I'm going to stop taking his calls because it is already causing problems with a guy I'm seeing.

I am so pleased that you have vindication. I would love to have that.

I love the Dr. Phil comment - about the switch. It is fatal to NOT expose, to tolerate the infidelity. It was for me. I too wish I'd found MB earlier, had the guts to expose, follow the plan.

Was that REALLY PEP???????????????

Hi Bob - You are right. I don't need a project.

AS far as vindication, it doesn't feel as great as I thought it would. It feels like the whole thing was for nothing. OW is back (happily?) with her ex. My ex is miserable. I'm on to a new life, and it just seems like the whole "soulmate", "God brought us together", affair babble was so pointless.

I can only imagine how he feels. I've always said that I would rather be the BS than the WS. He's got to be hurting big time.

You said in your first post that he told you how the A ended. How did it end? Did he end it or did she?

Frank Pittman, I think said that an affair needs the marriage. The reason the affair broke up is because the OW wanted to get married right away. All those years, my ex had an excuse - that he COULDN'T get married and would need to get divorced first.

OW put her own needs aside and did EVERYTHING to hang on to my ex. Then when he didn't immediately marry her, she started LB'ing like mad. And the funny thing is I think he WOULD have married her, he just wanted to wait a while.

But now he makes ugly remarks about her, how the match wasn't made in heaven, he is tired of drama, what a HUGE MISTAKE it was.

Of course, I'm only getting his side of it. OW is living with her ex-husband again. They are divorced and he very much wants her again. I used to talk to her ex weekly, but have left them completely alone so that they have a chance to make it. She HATES me, imagine that.

Well, believer that must have given you some sense of comfort or vindication anyway, even though it was too little, too late.

Congratulations.

I am curious as to how he reacted to your telling him that you were no longer interested in dating/remarriage with him?
Did it affect his attitude in any way? Did he give any indication that since his remorse and friendship towards you didn't result in reconciliation that he will go back to the bad attitudes again? Or does he seem genuinely changed now even if it hasn't paid off as he had hoped?

I'm curious because I sometimes wonder if my WXH will ever get it and express remorse for what he's done. I can't envision him ever doing what it would take to repair the damage he's done to the point that I could ever consider remarrying him. But it would be beneficial for our daughters if he would at least take responsibility for what he's done and make what ammends he can.

Wow, believer...I don't know much about your story, just what you have posted a little here and there, but this is amazing, isn't it?

I just IM'ed my H and told him about your story...and talked about what a sad waste this all was, and what a dummy your ex-H was/is. And I said "I am sure glad you aren't a dummy anymore!" and he said "ME TOO!".

Great info, I hope that other waywards hear it and take heed. It can be brutal when the fog clears, especially when it is too late.

[P.S. HI PEP!!!!! I LOVED your poem/prayer to believer!!!]

I think he is really back to normal. He has been calling/writing to me for months. Saturday was the first time he came out and said that he wanted to get back together. Somehow I can just tell he is just like he was when we got married. But I'm not going to continue contact because I'm really done, and don't want to drag problems from my divorce into my new relationship.

(((((believer)))))

God bless.

Amazing, believer!!

You've described in various posts how he was at rock bottom, and I just assumed he'd stay there. But I guess it was just withdrawal and/or the thickness of the fog...?

"They all end" is what we hear, but to end AND come out of the fog completely and take responsibility....I wonder how typical THAT is?

I agree with you and Dr. H...two years for any kind of relationship sounds about right. There's just too much trauma.

So...do you feel gratified that he's finally acknowledging the truth, or does it just make you feel really sad?

Thanks so much for posting this real proof that a WS will eventually come back, out of the fog. I'm sorry that it's too late for you to consider reconciliation, but I completely understand. I too heard Dr. Harley talk on the radio show about how the WS cannot wait too long or else the BS will lose their love for the WS and it will be incredibly difficult to get it back. I'm pretty much there and it's only been five months for me. When my WW finally expressed remorse (a few days before she moved out) it didn't feel as great as I thought it would. But it's still good to know.

Thanks for posting it, Believer.

I think one (of the many) false assumption(s) the WS makes is that when/if they are finished with the adultery the BS will always still be waiting for them...

And the WS also typically assumes that the recovery can be very quick and easy...

IMHO the length of the adultery, the number of false recoveries, etc. is directly related to not just whether or not recovery is possible but how long that recovery would take - even just recovery to the friendship level.

It does get to a point when it's gone on so long that it would simply take too long for recovery of the marriage. The BS doesn't in any way owes it to the WS to not start a relationship with a new person once the divorce is final and the marriage has been over for a couple of years, or to end a new relationship to give a FINALLY repentant WS another chance at such a late date.

(BTW, did your WH know that you were dating and have beocme involved with a new man?)

If the divorce is final, and the BS finally has recovered on thier own from the betrayal, and has started a new life, then it's probably too late.

It would still be the right thing for the WS to do to express remorse and do whatever they can to take responsibility and repair whatever damage they can... but that should be done minus any expectation that thw WS' efforts will pay off for them in winning the BS back.

Having said that, the fact that repair of the damage done would maybe take years is in no way an excuse for the WS not to make whatever ammends they can. The time will pass whether or not they say and do the right things or whether or not they can win the BS back.

IMHO once the divorce is final the WS is owed no special consideration and has even more to prove than a a new possible mate.

I think my ex's affair went on way longer than most because the affairees didn't have to face the consequences. They had TONS of money to spend and were almost like two teenagers partying. They went out to dinner, went on vacations, went on motorcycle rallies, and had fun, fun, fun for a long time.

I foolishly tried to show goodwill toward my ex by not cutting off the money completely. As soon as he missed paying the first bill, I should have seen an attorney and secured our finances. The sooner the WS has to really face the consequences of their choices, the better for the marriage.