I'm an older child who just found out that my father is having an affair. Last week, I found an email on his blackberry from another woman. My mother was in the room when I discovered it, and she immediately confronted my dad. He got really defensive and told her that it was from a hostess at a bar he was at the night before and that he didn't know how she got his email address. My mother yelled at him and kind of let it go with just a slap on his wrist.

Two days ago, my younger sister woke me up at 3am crying and shaking saying that she thinks "daddy is having an affair." She said she found passionate emails on his phone and that she couldn't understand why this was happening. We ended up forwarding those emails to her account and printing them out. The emails are obviously from the woman he claimed to have nothing to do with last week when my mom confronted him. They're mostly pg rated and fall along the lines of love notes. But one of them clearly states that they had been on a few dates and that they may be planning a "mini-vacation."


Now. My dilemma. Should I tell my mother? Should I confront him first? I understand that he's going through a mid-life crisis. But this is just wrong. My younger sister is devastated. She hasn't been able to act the same around my father ever since she found out. She was always daddy's little girl. I've been consoling her every night as she cries herself to sleep.
I'm soo tired mentally and physically from dealing with the stress of this situation and my own problems. I really need help.

My two children (ages 15 & 16) are the ones who came to me about thier father. I'm so glad they did. I was very careful about the way I confronted him, but I did confront him, privately, through an email detailing everything I knew about other woman and how much I & his children were hurting. He immediately stopped all communication with the other woman. We decided that we wanted to save the marriage and he & I are actively working on doing just that. We found Dr Harley's program and are fully committed to it. Our marriage isn't rosey (it's only been 6 weeks), there are hurt feelings, but we're both working hard.

My children gave me the courage I needed to stand up and say what needed to be said. Go to your mother, she has a right to know and she needs to confront him. There may still be time to save the marriage.

Reach out to those around you for support. God Bless you and and your family.

~J~

sadlily,

ultimately the choice is yours but i would recommend that you tell your mother. i'll tell you what happened with me and maybe that will help you with the decision

i have a 7 year old son and a 14 year old stepdaughter (i'm still married but separated and the stepdaughter is living with her mom now but that's another story) anyway, three years ago my stepdaughter and i were in a canoe in the middle of a lake when she told me about a man her mother was seeing

it was tough thing to tell a step father because her loyalty is naturally toward her mother. a few weeks later she was Baker Acted, which is a legal term meaning she was suicidal and had to be taken (against her will) for mental health treatment

that was three years ago

we remained a family unit and around March 2007, my wife started seeing another man. after awhile my stepdaughter became friends with this guy's daughter. Not too long ago I found a picture of my stepdaughter and this new friend on my hard drive and I asked her who the person was via email. Her answer shocked me of course but she went on to say in the email that she was sorry for keeping the secret... that she just could not betray her mother again... actually it was a very loving email on her part

but my point is this: my stepdaughter held that information back and it caused her to have some serious emotional issues. we had to Baker Act her again sometime around June? and she failed out of school last year and gets into fights frequently... she ran away like three times this past year... i mean my step daughter has had a rough year

now i can't blame all that on her mother's affairs but i really believe it was a strong factor.

whenever my stepdaughter comes over now, she pretty much tells me she loves me every time... that she misses living with me and her brother... that she can't stand her mother's boyfriend

when we were all together i used to think that she fought and was angry all the time because she missed her father and that i was sort of a fifth wheel in her life... but now i kinda think she feels that maybe i was the only stable force in her life

i'm getting off topic a bit... sorry bout that... but the bottom line is if you hold these feelings in.. they won't go away. it's a tough thing to do, but i think you should tell your mother and a week or so after that you should sit down with your dad and tell him how all this affected you and your sister too

he needs to know how this tore you up just as much as your mother