4 months ago I became aware of my wife of 6 years engaging in an emotional affair with a co-worker of hers. She said that he was "just a friend" etc. (All the usual attempts to diminish and throw me off I think) She said that he nervously told her after work one night that "They had to talk", and proceeded to tell her that he had developed feelings for her, that they couldn't do anything because they are both married, "maybe if we were in a different place and time"...etc
I warned her that this guy was making a play for her and was not a "friend". She rebuffed this and said that he's a nice guy and she thought what he did in telling her that was "sweet".
I agreed that she should handle this her own way, but that lead to increased deception, lies, deleting phone records, secret email account, and treating me with anger and irritability when I attempted to find out what she was doing.
Fast forward a few months. She now says that her feelings for him have grown stronger, where she initially was saying things like "I only love you". I don't want anyone else". I want our marriage to work.", she now says she doesn't know if she wants to stay with me. She has agreed to cut off contact with him and did quit her job, but she says that she felt pressured to do that, not that she wanted to. She still wants to be his "friend".
I'm an absolute wreck. Our marriage was always wonderful and more than I could ever have imagined love could be. Now we're in a complete funk, and can't even seem to communicate even simple things without getting irritated with each other. I wish I had found this site much earlier. I feel as though evrything I've done to this point after finding out has been contrary to what Dr. Harley suggests. As I read the "Do's and Dont's" I realize I have done almost exactly the opposite of what is suggested for a good outcome. Is there any way I can get back to a position of strength? I've told her I love her and want to make it work. I have cried and showed vulnerability, and am not sure if she feels guilt or pity for me...
Please someone help me get back on track!

Well, the first thing you should do is call the OM's wife and tell her so you can cut off that path to the OM. Leaving his wife ignorant leaves that door wide open for them to resume the affair.

Secondly,l I would order Surviving an Affair off this website and read it so you can understand the dynamics of an affair. It will give you a path to repair your marriage.

Has your wife, in fact, ended all contact wtih the OM? Will she send him a no contact letter?

tth,

Welcome to MB. Sorry for your pain.

I'm not seeing the part where you did everything wrong. But even if you did....it's pretty easy to understand why. Now that you ARE here....regroup and remember that fighting infidelity is often counter-intuitive.

Let me ask some questions:

How long married?
First marriages?
Ages?
Kids?
How did the affair end?
Are you certain of no contact?

It's normal for her to feel unhappy and pressured about ending the affair....it's typical of wayward spouses....so expect her to react that way and remember....she's the one who's confused....not you.

Keep posting.

I agree that you should contact the OM's wife ASAP to let her know about it.

I would also contact the place your wife worked at and let their boss and/or humnan resources know too.

You might think this sort of exposure is not necessary since your wife quit working there. But your wife returning to work there is a possibility, especially if she's making comments about having to quit without really wanting to quit. Also, the workplace needs to be alerted to the fact that this married male employee is hitting in female employees. He might be a serial adulterer who routinely gets involved with female co-workers.

It is very important that you contact this OM's wife and alert her. She has a right to know and cannot effectively protect her marriage if info is kept from her. Plus, her knowing will make it more difficult for your wife and this OM to try to continue their contact in secret.

I don't think you've done everything wrong. You recognized that it was an emotional affair and were able to convince her to quit her job and go NC. That's a good start.

Let me just say that my WW's OM said pretty much the exact same thing as your WW's OM. And my WW said the same thing about still wanting to be his "friend." The fact you put it in quotes means you know better.

Get in Plan A and work on improving yourself; making the changes necessary that would be good for you and make you attractive as a husband. Unfortunately, that means not crying, which I know is hard. Her being angry at you is better than her feeling pity for you.

We've been married for 6 years, together for about 9 1/2.
Our only marriages.
I'm 40, she's 28.
we have one 2 1/2 yo son
She has (After several attemps that were thwarted by her) sent a letter requesting no contact, and did quit her job. She has lied to me before about no contact, so I'm not 100% sure...
At times she still insists that there was nothing wrong with her "friendship", and that my demand for no contact for life is too extreme.
I feel as though I may have enabled her to continue this charade by not being more forceful initially, and by sympathizing (sp?) with her and making myself too available to her. I have told her that our unhappiness together is up to her to try to fix, that I am willing to be there when she decides to make it right..
thanks to all for the info so far.
Please keep it coming.

You need to let the OM's wife know about the affair. That will be the quickest way to continue no contact. After that, check her phone calls, and email.

TTH...

Call the OMW TODAY...Do NOT tell your wife that you are going to do it, just do it-If you try and discuss this with her, she will call OM and they will preempt your telling her, painting you out to be a nutjob of some sort, which will render your exposure impotent...The OMW has every right to know the truth about her life AND it will GREATLY aid you in insuring NO CONTACT...

WILL YOU DO THIS TTH???

Mrs. W

To all who have suggested informing the OMW, I have not told her though I do know her. There are several compelling and one other reason why I am hesitant to do this.
First of all, I have gotten as much advice from others to not do this. I told my wife that I would not do that, and that I would not share this information with friends or family (one of many things I may have done wrong...) I am also concerned for how the OM & OMW might react as far as my job goes. Unfortunately I had a confidential business relationship with them, and am concerned that they may contact my employer and mess this up too. And also, having seen some of the emails that my wife and the OM have exchanged, it is clear that he has positioned himself to lay it all at my wife's feet. I suspect that he has already discussed (or spun at least) his version of events to his wife.
Is this really necessary?
If I breach my committment to my wife by telling, does it make me the bad guy?
Won't this drive her away further from me?
I just want to get on with restoring our marriage (though I don't sense any real commitment from my wife to do this).
Sorry for rambling...

Yes, it will make you a bad guy in your WW's mind for the time being. But you need not concern yourself with how your WW thinks about your actions right now. Her thinking is foggy and unreasonable.

The only thing worse than making a bad decision is sticking with it. Do not worry yourself about breaking your promise to your WW to not contact OMW. I went through the same thing. That's not what will destroy your marriage. Continued contact with OM will. Informing OM's W will help end contact because she won't want OM having contact with your WW anymore.

You cannot restore the marriage until the A is over, NC is established and WS goes through withdrawal. WW won't commit to restoring the marriage during that time. I also wanted to skip right to Recovery and not deal with the uncomfortable aspects of ending the A, like Exposure.

TTH...

None of those are compelling reasons to keep OM's W in the dark about what your wife and her husband have done to her...Wouldn't you wish to know if the situation were reversed???

You owe your wife NO loyalty in protecting her affair...Doing that makes you an accomplice to the affair...Why in the world would you wish to help the infidels keep their dirty little secret?

Affairs THRIVE in darkness and CRUMBLE when exposed to the light of day, and on some level your wife KNOWS that and so she has a vested interest in getting you to keep your mouth shut...You made a BAD PROMISE to your wife, about keeping her affair a secret, but the only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise...Keeping that secret is CANCEROUS to your marriage...

Sure, your wife will be hopping mad at you for exposing, but your marriage CAN survive her anger, but it cannot and will not survive an ongoing affair...Not telling OM's W keeps the door open for the affair to continue, not to mention that it is VERY CRUEL not to tell OM's W...

Do you value your marriage? If so, call OM's W TODAY and start protecting it...Do NOT fear your wife's anger...She certainly didn't fear yours when she decided to have an affair...

Now, will you please do the only right thing here and call OM's wife?

Mrs. W

You got very, very bad advice that is in NO ONE'S BEST INTEREST. All you are doing is ENABLING the affair and helping your wife keep her victim in the dark.

Not telling the OMW only makes it that much more likely for them to resume their affair. How will the OMW protect herself from your W, her H, and now YOU, if you won't give her this vital information? She has a RIGHT to know the truth, and withholding this vital information is cruel.

You only benefit the AFFAIR by not telling her the truth and instead become an ENABLER, an accessory to the crime.

I am sorry you promised your wife to help her hide her affair from her victim, but the only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. You do your wife NO FAVORS by helping her hide from the consequences of her actions.

Further, you hinder your wife's own recovery by aiding and abetting her in keeping her secret from her victim. You are helping her be DISHONEST, which hinders recovery.

You should pick up the phone and call this woman and tell her the truth. Afterwards, you can tell your W that the OMW had a right to know the truth about her OWN LIFE and you did the right thing and called her up.

You are the "BAD GUY" by NOT telling the OMW. You are not the bad guy for refusing to help your W deceive her victim.

Exactly. In fact, I've seen that bad advice given so often, I'm beginning to wonder if we're not somehow biologically programmed to act in ways that allow As to continue rather than die quickly. Perhaps Mother Nature is a bit more devious than we think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Have any of you had a successful restoration of your damaged marriage by following this recommendation to tell OMW?
What if she has already been told half truth's or some other version of reality by her husband. What if she reacts with venom and threatens my job?
Do I just appear to be slinging sour grapes?
I'm really having difficulty with this decision. It is irreversible.
Who among you has pulled this off successfully?
What other things can I do to start getting my marriage back together?
and yes, I do believe that she has not had contact with OM for at least a couple of weeks (I hope...).
Thanks for responding. It does help.

In my case, the OM wasn't M'd, but was in quite a serious relationship with his GF. If he hadn't told her about the A on D-Day, I would have contacted her and told her myself.

This isn't just about telling the OMW so your M can recover. This is also about performing an act of kindness for the OMW that someone could and should have done for you.



There's always that possibility. In fact, I'm pretty certain that the OM told his GF a different version of events than my FWW told me. She was quite angry and upset when I tried to contact her post D-day. That's why it's important to be the FIRST to tell the story, so OM's attempts to put a spin on it are blunted.

Read my pre-D Day thread, my W's A ended pretty much the second I told OM's GF about it, and I didn't want to do it either. It was absolutely incredible how quickly she went from "I love you but I'm not in love with you" to quitting her job, agreeing to NC and beginning to work on the recovery process.

Exposure won't fix your Marriage, but it will most likely end the A, which will at least give you a fightin' chance.

I can tell you this; more marriages on here have recovered after exposure than without it.

I can give you twenty reasons to expose the affair and one reason not to. The single reason not to expose is that she will be mad at you. If you want to hear the twenty reason why you should, let me know and I'll lay them all out for you.

Mark

Lay it on me, Mark.
I'm starting to think that had I taken this position of strength from the outset, things may have gone differently, and perhaps she would have ended it sooner and our recovery would be further along.
God, I'm so hopeful that we can work it out...

OH YES. But I can point to many marriages that did not make it because they DIDN'T tell the OP's spouse.


You give her the full truth.


What if, what if, what if......


We don't make decisions based on "appearances," but on sound judgment. Try, I realize you are scared, but the greatest threat to your marriage is keeping their secret because that increases the odds the affair will RESUME.

And most of all, this is vital information that the OMW needs to have about her own life. She needs to know the truth so can protect herself and her children from your wife and her H.

Everyone benefits from this exposure. The only thing that does not benefit IS THE AFFAIR. You enable the affair by keeping this secret for the affairees. You are helping the OM rather than yourself.

Just curious, as a follow up, I have decided that I need to detach somewhat from my wife as part of re-establishing my own self respect as well as an effort to not continue being her doormat. Why would she want to stay with a weak sniveling wreck of a man. That's certainly not who she fell in love with in the first place...
At any rate, I think what I'm looking for is whether or not I should tell her specifically that I'm distancing myself emotionally, or should I just let my actions speak. My concern with the latter is that everything I do seems to be misinterperated and letting her know where I stand may make that clearer.
I can't believe how I have managed to allow she who had (is having?) the affair garner all of my efforts to accomodate her feelings and wants. Is it common for BS's to fold and try to cater to the WS's demands. She should be falling over herself to ensure that I'm being comforted and made to feel loved. Why am I acting like the one who is remorseful???
Sometimes I feel like she's playing me like a harp.